Cost of stepdaughter going to uni will stop my son being able to do the same

[Exhaustedbird1]

Just after some views on this please as not sure where to stand my ground and how to make this fair.

For context so no drip feed : Married, have one DS and one DSD. DSD is one year older than DS.
DSD came into my life 5 years ago, I dont have any involvement in raising her (DH has her weekends at his PIL house as we have a tiny house and no space apart from a sofa bed (my house when we met and we cant buy bigger as DH still paying for his exW house until DSD turns 18, live an 1.5 hours away so she gets bored at ours and can't see friends / do hobbies over the weekends if she was at ours so it just works best).

DSD has her heart set on going to uni - I fully support her in her decision as I want her to live her life and follow her dreams. DSD mum says she can't afford to assist with funding DSD at uni (she is low income through choice, works 16 hours a week to get full benefits (those who'll comment how do you know; she proudly told me and said she couldnt imagine having work full time like I do) as DH still pays for half the house and some of the bills under the divorce agreement until DSD turns 18). Our joint income whilst not huge means that me and my DH are likely to have to fund quite a lot of her uni costs. I dont begrudge her this as I love her and want her to succeed in life but here's the kicker....
My son also has his heart set on uni and is a smart kid and needs a degree for what he wants to do in a career. By myself and my DH funding my DSD through uni means there's no way we can afford for my son to go.
To not drip feed, my DS's dad died when he was very young so no financial input from that direction.
My DSD will go to uni, her heart is set and both her parents and I want her to go but where does this leave my DS? I cant save up enough to cover his costs from my income and it just seems so unfair his life choices will be limited by me funding a child who is not biologically mine. I want the best for them both.
How do I make this fair?

I don't think you even understand the system and are just going on what you THINK would happen. Both kids can go to university. Your DS might not get the full maintenance loan but it will be manageable between the two of you.

This is the ideal solution tbh

That would be perfect. Dd stayed at home for her first degree. We didn’t charge her board and lodging but also didn’t need to give her money.

My goodness, how generous.

Your stepdaughter should qualify for the full loan as it will be based on her mother’s income.

You need to make sure your husband is contributing his fair share to household expenses so you can save independently for your son’s uni costs.

Surely there are loans for students from low income families? This should apply for SD if she lives with her mum. I don't see why you should have to fund the entire uni career of either of them. They get loans and part time jobs if they want to go to uni. And you should give equally to them both as and when you can.

Restricting uni choice to those within commuting distance is a huge limitation. Firstly it must have the course the dc wants to do, it must be a good uni for that course and dc must be able to make the grades for the course. Otherwise, dcs' choice will be further limited by their grades and the available courses for those grades in that uni.

Living at home is also detrimental to dcs' social life and make friends and contacts. It is not the full uni experience and dc don't maximise their time and opportunities living at home. If that is the case, might as well do a local apprenticeship, if that is a viable alternative and good option IMO.

I worked for a year before uni to save up and took the maximum loans and grants. I lived at home and commuted instead of living there, and worked part time the whole way through my degree. My Mum and Dad didn’t contribute financially at all, they wouldn’t have been able to afford it. I get that it’s more expensive to go now, but I would not be funding one child completely at the expense of the other - if they are that desperate to do it you give what you can equally to them and they can make up any shortfall.

It's a side issue, but DSD is most unlikely to visit every weekend after she's 18 and at uni. She'll only be home in the holidays, working and/or having fun, and will not necessarily want to see her dad every single weekend. Sorry, just seen that she may be living at home and communing to Uni, if she gets a place there when the time comes. In that case she'd need her own room.

Whatever the limitations you mention, it is not 'detrimental' to DCs if they have to live at home during university. At 15 mins away from their friends they will be fully socialising while not having massive money worries.

The new house still doesn't make sense to me even if it is close to a suitable uni (that none of the kids have got into yet?). Does it require the house that ex-wife lives in to be sold first (along with the house you currently live in) because if so the timelines don't work and are at least a year out if your SD is presumably in year 13 now. Also SD wanting to live with you all now doesn't ring true when she's had weekends at her paternal grandparents for the past five years, how close could you all possibly be in that situation? She should be fine regardless as she will get a full loan and can presumably top herself up with holiday work and whatever her dad/grandparents can give her.

While I don’t fully agree and I think it can be a very good option and work for many, in this case I don’t see why commuting to uni needs to be encouraged.

It sounds like OP and her DH can afford to support them both, they’re just choosing to get a bigger house instead. It’s a very strange time to upsize especially when there are financial concerns!

How will the bigger house work timeline-wise?
Dsd wants the uni that she can commute to from your bigger house but you can’t buy the bigger house until ex’s house is sold. As ex isn’t going to move until dsd is 18 you have a very narrow window to sell ex’s house, buy another and then move in ready for dsd to start uni. I suppose dsd would go into halls until everything is sorted. (Not cheap)

The two obvious options are (1) you and your DH split up so she is calculated on a lower income of (2) you work out what you as a couple can afford to give each child, make sure it's the same for the two of them, and if they need to do a gap year first to get a financial cushion then that's what you do.

You contributing to someone else's child's uni and your daughter not being able to go is only an option if you want her to be posting on here about her Mum, from who she is estranged, in a few years.

Oh and as @ohdelay points out, also sell your own house!

RTFT. The OP's child is a son.

Assuming they are gcse age or older why not discuss at Christmas and register for the local uni spring open day. All 4 of you go. Go to the student finance talk. Go to subject talks.
Start the dialogue about whether they want to live with you and commute or live away.
At least you’ll know what grades needed, contact hours, facilities for commuters (some unis have specific events for commuters, commuter lounges etc)
Complete uni guide and Times are useful for course rankings.
Encourage pt jobs from 16.
Then take it from there. It is their choice if commute or live away, but at least you’ll all have correct info to base decisions on.

oh sorry. But it makes no difference to the answer.

Why do you think it will be an issue?

I don't see an issue especially if they both commute. Your DH has a salary, savings, equity in martial property and a pension.

How much equity do you have? Worst case is you extend mortgage so that you fund £5k-10k a year for 3 years = 30k

It’s great you want to treat both kids equally, but at the end of the day, SD has two parents to pay for her, your son only has one.

Do not put SD ahead of your son. Work out the max you can afford and divide by the two of them.

I have one DD at local uni and one living away. Both of their own choosing, pros and cons for both choices.

Staying local obviously has huge cost savings.
But it also allows students a comfort zone to mix the unknown of uni with the safe place of home. In many cases it provides a clean and comfortable space for study and working on assignments. It also allows the students remain in existing sports teams or other local hobbies, and stay in contact with local close friends.
For some students it can be a great choice.
It is a very popular option in my university home town.

I would highly recommend part time work for all students staying at home, to build resilience and maturity and experience a different type of independence. It will also give them something to put on their CVs for when they look for college placements or internships and their first real job.

Moving away really builds independence. Shit will happen and they need to fix it on their own mostly. Getting lost, running out of money, burning dinner, forgetting to buy groceries, problems with phone credit/contracts, problems with credit cards, so many smallish things they continuously need to deal with. Not to mention no parents cramping their style on the social side of things or noticing that socialising isn’t leaving enough time for study.
For most students that works brilliantly. But it does come at a considerable financial cost.
And it doesn’t suit all students. Downsides can be homesickness. It can be very lonely, it can be difficult to make friends in large courses. The freedom of nobody watching can means socialising of laziness means classes are failed. Anxiety and depression can go unnoticed for longer, are easier to hide.
It can be harder to do part time work, as they also have to fit in laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, as well as coursework. Of course many do so without issue, but it is more juggling.

So not one size fits all, both are good in their own way.

If you were to upsize so there is room for 4 adults, your DSD and DS will need to know that the money is going into upsizing, and therefore much won’t be available to top up their loans. But if they commute to local Uni, they will have a free place to stay and that they can start their working lives in considerably less debt.

I still recommend starting a spreadsheet, to get a better understanding of the additional costs, understand the loan options, etc.

DsD will be 18 so husband needs to stop paying for ex's house and tell her that the house will need to go up for sale to release equity for university and a bigger house for his family.

I managed through uni with no support from my parents (just the loan and grants) it's also now extremely common for students to have part time jobs. I wouldn't rule it out just yet.

I presume your response is heavy on the sarcasm? If I sold my house too, where would you propose we live? On the park bench next to the uni?

They mean if you upsize to a house closer to a uni so DSD and DS can commute then there’s not time for exes house to sell, plus yours, plus you buy a new one and move in, between DSD turning up and starting uni.

So you would potentially be needlessly encouraging her to limit her options for a plan that very well may not work.