Cost of stepdaughter going to uni will stop my son being able to do the same

[Exhaustedbird1]

Just after some views on this please as not sure where to stand my ground and how to make this fair.

For context so no drip feed : Married, have one DS and one DSD. DSD is one year older than DS.
DSD came into my life 5 years ago, I dont have any involvement in raising her (DH has her weekends at his PIL house as we have a tiny house and no space apart from a sofa bed (my house when we met and we cant buy bigger as DH still paying for his exW house until DSD turns 18, live an 1.5 hours away so she gets bored at ours and can't see friends / do hobbies over the weekends if she was at ours so it just works best).

DSD has her heart set on going to uni - I fully support her in her decision as I want her to live her life and follow her dreams. DSD mum says she can't afford to assist with funding DSD at uni (she is low income through choice, works 16 hours a week to get full benefits (those who'll comment how do you know; she proudly told me and said she couldnt imagine having work full time like I do) as DH still pays for half the house and some of the bills under the divorce agreement until DSD turns 18). Our joint income whilst not huge means that me and my DH are likely to have to fund quite a lot of her uni costs. I dont begrudge her this as I love her and want her to succeed in life but here's the kicker....
My son also has his heart set on uni and is a smart kid and needs a degree for what he wants to do in a career. By myself and my DH funding my DSD through uni means there's no way we can afford for my son to go.
To not drip feed, my DS's dad died when he was very young so no financial input from that direction.
My DSD will go to uni, her heart is set and both her parents and I want her to go but where does this leave my DS? I cant save up enough to cover his costs from my income and it just seems so unfair his life choices will be limited by me funding a child who is not biologically mine. I want the best for them both.
How do I make this fair?

While DSD will qualify for more loan than OPs son, she will also acquire more debt than him as a result of that. Is this something her Dad will want to address? They may well receive the same amount of money in the short term but longer term she will be at a disadvantage.

So you sit down with dh and work out what you can afford to give his daughter and your son when both at uni

You both tell them the amount then they need to work out the uni options they can afford.

you talk about housing her whilst at uni, and if you provide that then effectively you are giving her the rental equivilent of around £8K a year already so she will have her 'away from home' full maintanance loan, and Im assuming your DH is not looking to charge her rent/ bills/food? this is all going to be funded by the household?

that gives her about £12K to live on whilst at uni. That alot.

you son if he lives at home wont get any loan at all.

I would think very hard about whether you really want to do that because a big part of uni is socialising / making friends/ learning independance. It can be hard to balance this transition to adulthood if they are still living at home - and especially more as you have never had her live with you before, unlike your son, who no doubt, you know him, you know his friends, you know if he helps out / takes turns cooking/ is going to invite all his mates back, etc.

Exactly this. You and DH need to plan out the next 5 years working out equal funding for both kids.

Where she lives now, there is no close uni she could commute to so not even an option. If she lived with us we are a 15 minute train ride, but we would need a bigger house to accommodate (hence why this is on our radar)

If they are both commuting to uni they can get live at home maintenance loans based on household income. They are pretty generous compared to live away loans.
What course? Some healthcare courses give a bursary of £5000 a year on top of loan.

She lives with her mum, so loan will be based on her mums income, so she should be able to get a full loan.

Other options are get a job, take gap year and earn some money.

Internships are competitive, but also a good option.

I don't think it's that easy as giving both the exactly same sum - she will get much bigger students loan.

Giving your son the difference between loans would make their disposable income comparable, but he will end up without that debt. Which matters only if their selected fields are high earning and they will actually aim for paying it back.

You’ve got two years for your DSD and three years for your son - and an extra year for both if they take a gap year to work and save money.

All four of you sit down - talk about the finances of it and start saving now. Both kids get weekend jobs asap and they start saving now. Both kids get summer jobs for the next two/three years and aim to put as much of their wages into their uni savings.

You and DH aim to put as much aside as can be saved over the next three years and split it equally between both kids.

Then add in the grants and loans and part time jobs while at university.

They won't assess your husband's income for your son though will they? I didn't think step parents income was taken into account. I'm sure it never used to be.

And your husband shouldn't be dipping into the joint account and taking your money to fund his daughter. Should be coming directly from his wages.

Two of my daughters have loans and are working their way through university. Other kids live at home and apply to local universities. DP shard a room with builders-contract workers when he was at uni.
it’s possible - but youngsters are left in significant debt. So make it worthwhile and aim for a good career if he does go.

That is a very good question @Muffinmam

I think @Exhaustedbird1needs to have a frank conversation with her DH about his finances once his DD turns 18. If his choices impact on your DS’s future, then perhaps DH moves back in with his parents. That way, the relationship can continue, but the household income would be based on just the OP’s.

Hell would freeze over before I see my DS’s long term future compromised by the choices of others.

Since the Student Loan Assessment will be based on her Mum’s income she will get a full student loan. And because she is on full loan she will be eligible for any bursaries going. Many Unis offer a bursary to low income students, and the bursary money never needs to be paid back.

Step daughter will get a full loan because of her mum’s earnings. You don’t need to fund anything. Start saving for your son now!
Stepdaughter’s mum is in for a huge shock when her dd goes off to uni and she loses all her benefits 😂. I’d enjoy that tbh. Lazy woman!

Based on living with her Mum and what you say she will get a full loan and likely some grants too. Do you know how much she is entitled to? Start there!

You’ll need to top your DS up to the maximum loan at least.

I would concentrate finances on them living out for the first year in Halls.

It’s so frustrating that they’ve got to this age and non of their parents have a clue!!!!

I top my DC up £800 a month and they get the minimum maintenance loan. They don’t get long holidays and they are on a 5 year degree.

If she moves in with you and her dad to commute 15 mins, if you are high earners and she gets min live at home loan she’s on £75 a week (£3907) assuming you are willing to pay for her to live at home/food she’s got plenty for her train ticket and spends. If she wants more she can work pt and in hols, easier as a commuter student as can commit 52 weeks a year to one job.
It really isn’t an issue?
Year after your son as a commuter will be in exactly same position.

If your DH is covering half the mortgage of DSD's home until she turns 18, then when she goes to Uni, he will no longer pay this. Have you factored this in, or could the mortgage payment be used for her uni fees?

If you want to prioritise your son, you will.
Step daughter doesn't need funding, she will be on a full loan and if she wants extra she can get a job like many students do.
If my DHs income prevented my child from getting full loan and I couldn't afford to fund him, I would be asking DH to leave the house so DS can get the loan. It doesn't have to mean the end of the relationship, just separate households for 3 years. I wouldn't be buying a bigger house for an adult step child to move into when I was worried about money for my own child going to uni.
You have a good few options. It seems a no brainer to me that you should go with the option that is best for your child.

I think kids that live at home miss out a lot on uni life and that introduction to becoming an adult and being more independent. I know it's a cost but I think it's a real shame to live at home and not the same experience at all. DS is just about commutable but I wouldn't have wanted him to stay living at home. I wouldn't prioritise upsizing over giving the kids that experience personally.

The OP and her DH have to go by their finances. Plenty of kids now have to live at home while going to uni.

I don’t understand the issue.

DSD will get full student loan by the sounds of it, plus will potentially be entitled to a low income bursary. She will therefore need very little (if anything) of a top up.

The court order where your DH pays half of exes bills will end, freeing up more money than DD will need to be topped up by, and leaving money to top up DS from.

Seems like a no brainer?

His matrimonial home will be sold when dd is yr13. At that point he can pool his 50% with proceeds of your house sale and you both buy a 3 bed house for the 4 of you.
Both kids want to live at home and commute and will be able to live comfortably on min live at home loan.
If both kids decide to live away then she applies from her mums address and gets max loan. You just top up your son.
I’m assuming you are in England.
if you specify country you are in and courses people can give specific advice but there really isn’t a son v stepdaughter dilemma here.

16 hours a week does not mean she gets full benefits. UC does not disregard any paid work.

Ah - ok. That was not my daughter’s friend’s experience where her stepmum’s earnings were considered - but unsurprisingly step mum did not contribute what was suggested and the friend just had to get a job to cover her costs. She lived 50:50 at the two homes though I think.

It would seem insane that OP has to subsidise DSD to the extent her own child cannot go to Uni.

Agreed. This was all very short sighted.