Cost of stepdaughter going to uni will stop my son being able to do the same

[Exhaustedbird1]

Just after some views on this please as not sure where to stand my ground and how to make this fair.

For context so no drip feed : Married, have one DS and one DSD. DSD is one year older than DS.
DSD came into my life 5 years ago, I dont have any involvement in raising her (DH has her weekends at his PIL house as we have a tiny house and no space apart from a sofa bed (my house when we met and we cant buy bigger as DH still paying for his exW house until DSD turns 18, live an 1.5 hours away so she gets bored at ours and can't see friends / do hobbies over the weekends if she was at ours so it just works best).

DSD has her heart set on going to uni - I fully support her in her decision as I want her to live her life and follow her dreams. DSD mum says she can't afford to assist with funding DSD at uni (she is low income through choice, works 16 hours a week to get full benefits (those who'll comment how do you know; she proudly told me and said she couldnt imagine having work full time like I do) as DH still pays for half the house and some of the bills under the divorce agreement until DSD turns 18). Our joint income whilst not huge means that me and my DH are likely to have to fund quite a lot of her uni costs. I dont begrudge her this as I love her and want her to succeed in life but here's the kicker....
My son also has his heart set on uni and is a smart kid and needs a degree for what he wants to do in a career. By myself and my DH funding my DSD through uni means there's no way we can afford for my son to go.
To not drip feed, my DS's dad died when he was very young so no financial input from that direction.
My DSD will go to uni, her heart is set and both her parents and I want her to go but where does this leave my DS? I cant save up enough to cover his costs from my income and it just seems so unfair his life choices will be limited by me funding a child who is not biologically mine. I want the best for them both.
How do I make this fair?

You need to work this all through and work out how much you will be able to afford for each child and then it’s up to each child to make up their differences themselves - usually by getting some kind of job

and work it out assuming that DH is no longer paying maintenance et.

Well, there will be two adults, one who might not want to live at home and the other who might not want to move into a stranger's house. So you could downsize to a flat.

Your husband shouldn't complain about that - he's got 50% equity in a house, retained all his pension funds, won't have to pay maintenance for a year until your son goes to university and he's being housed and his daughter partially supported by you, even though a new wife's income isn't taken into account for either child maintenance or university funding.

Thinking about it, he's fallen right on his feet with you.

If DSD lives with Mother her student loan will be based on her income not yours. Her Dad should help her with costs of her vours but you should be saving up for your own DS to go to Uni. You should not sacrifice your DS for your DSD. If you do it will spoil your relationship with him. Your DS's student loan will be based on your income and his SD's income as he lives in that family unit.

If he's banking on 50% of the equity from the house, plus no longer having to pay that mortgage, I suspect he'll have a bigger battle on his hands when it comes to selling it

Do you know what plans his ex has made for supporting herself once DSD turns 18? Because if she's hoping DH will just go on paying, god help you

Edited to apologise; I see you updated to say his ex "doesn't want to think" about what'll happen when DSD is 18, that it's been a theme throughout and that you expect begging letters/expectations that DH will carry on paying

Best get your replies prepared, I'd say

When the pair of you agreed that he’d move in to your to tiny home, knowing full well his child wouldn’t ever be able to stay, did you not catch yourself thinking “ 🤔 that isn’t a great sign about him”

I am not sure how it works in England but I funded myself through all of uni? That meant I had loans but I have repaid them. I appreciate things may have changed in 20 years.

There’s no way the ex will give up the house without a fight once your DSD turns 18 and tbh, be prepared for your DSD to hate your DH for forcing her to lose the only home she actually has.

Your DH really should be ashamed that he moved 1.5 hours away from his daughter with no room for her at his new wife’s house when she was what, 11? Christ.

Put the upsizing on the back burner - it will not be achievable before your DSD goes to uni and probably with some considerable fallout. Work out how you can support both kids to go to uni as things currently stand and try and navigate any house move with some sensitivity.

I think that the children going to uni needs to be prioritised over the housing, sadly. DSD will still have a home with her mum, and in a couple of years, both will be at uni most of the time.

But I also think that when you and DH decide what he can contribute out of your household income to DSD’s uni costs, you need to factor in what you will want to contribute to DS the following year. He can’t just decide unilaterally to give so much that it has a detrimental effect on you and DS.

I am actually really surprised this girl wants anything to do with her father. He abandoned her. I hope it hasn’t just made her in to a people pleaser.

I think it would be best if he moved full-time to his parents and removed himself from your finances. Probably divorce too. Then your son's entitlement would be calculated on your income only.

Sorry, but your DH is still financially enmeshed with his ex, and this will fuck your son over financially. I'd choose my son over my new husband any time.

My 2 DC both went to uni but only qualified for the minimum grant. This paid the uni fees and living costs. I paid their rent. The rest was about £400 per month each. So, if you can afford that for your DS , your DH can work out how to pay for his DD.
If you don't help your DS I doubt he will ever truly forgive you. He is your responsibility, DSD is not.

Can't be much help with advising over loans etc but I can say there is not a chance, whether a step child or not, that one of my DC would be treated less favourably than another when it comes to uni opportunities.

Either both go with parents help equally or neither and they sort it on their own.

I think in this instance you need to stop thinking about that you’re jointly paying. If it’s “household income” but actually dh is paying for it then it’s not actually physical you. Also same as your dh shouldn’t be physically paying your son to go to uni, it should solely be coming from your pocket.

Just wanted to say that since universal credit came in, the taper is on income not hours, so working 16 hours for maximum benefits hasn’t been possible for over a decade. I therefore don’t believe she said that to you, your facts aren’t as solid as you think and you should stop benefit shaming people as you clearly have no idea.

’It would seem insane that OP has to subsidise DSD to the extent her own child cannot go to Uni.’

Given the ops refusal to clarify how exactly she subsidises DSD despite being asked many times, and also the disparaging remarks to the exwife and totally biased language to pretend her husband is the saint and the ex not (despite the fact he did no parenting), I don’t think it’s a big leap to assume this isn’t true at all; and that what the op actually means is that her husband won’t also pay for her own son.

Your DSD will apply for the tuition fee loan annually. In addition she can apply for the maintenance loan to cover accommodation. This part is means-tested based on the household income. As she’s based with her mum, she’ll get the maximum amount.

She’ll of course need to be topped up by:
a) getting a part-time job
b) her dad
c) maybe her mum could work a few more hours to contribute.

This method can apply to your DS too.

Should you have money to replace the loans, then split 50/50 between them. They both leave having received the same help, and with the same debt.

RTFT the father of the OPs son died very many years ago. His mother (OP) is his sole parent who has remarried and now has a stepdaughter too.

This. He and his Ex can figure out with their daughter how to fund her aspirations.

Make sure you put your son first - he sounds bright and capable - look around for bursaries and other support that may be available to him.

Hell would freeze over before I funded someone else’s offspring and neglected my own. Your son’s father died - that’s incredibly sad. Do not give a cent to your DSD - she has two parents and her Mum sounds like she’s one of life’s dossers who thinks everyone else (and the state) should look after her and her kid. Prioritise your DS and ho only has you.

I know of two children who lived with their mum, but saw their dad on weekends etc. Their funding from the government was based solely on her part-time work income even though their dad had a reasonable income. As a result they both got full grants.

So your DSD will get quite a bit of help. Is there anyway they can both go to university and live at home? That saves a huge amount.

They must both go. Where there’s a will there’s a way.

DSD will get more support if she registered at her mums address this will reduce the contribution.

Also don't get parents paying for everything - both DH and I worked through uni it was standard for most of our friends - tuition fee loan, student loan then job ontop.

It might not be so much of a challenge if ex-partner cannot afford to pay the mortgage- if there is mortgage left to pay. DH can choose to stop paying maintenance directly to his ex when DSD is 18, which might force sale of house?

The first year might be the most difficult when DSD goes to university- cost wise- particularly if she cannot live with family or prefers not to for the first year.

After she turns 18, both houses can hopefully be sold and a bigger one purchased, as well as some equity released to support both kids at university?

DSD and DS might not want / get into the local university, but it would be good to have a home where they both feel welcome.

The problem is best made plans still go wrong.

But why is the mother of DSD getting away without providing minimal for her child’s future? Her ex pays the mortgage, she is working 16 hours a week. At least the OP has the foresight to think there may be a problem when HER child which lives in HER home could be impacted.

Will she be getting a little job like most uni students?

Imagine you had two children of your own. You wouldn’t spend lots of money on
your oldest child and then apologise to the younger child that they got there too late -it’s so bizarre. What is stopping you calculating what you can afford to give and dividing it by two? Then they both have to think about how they make up the shortfall - is it by choosing local uni, working part time, taking gap year etc. This should be the same for weddings , houses etc.

You personally should not be funding you step-daughter. Her father should be doing everything in his power to facilitate her uni education. If he doesn’t use all his resources to help his child, regardless of where she lives, he is a bad parent. That has nothing to do with your son.

you are responsible for your son’s education. If being married interferes with that, then why did you get married? If you didn’t realize, then why are you staying?