Cost of stepdaughter going to uni will stop my son being able to do the same

[Exhaustedbird1]

Just after some views on this please as not sure where to stand my ground and how to make this fair.

For context so no drip feed : Married, have one DS and one DSD. DSD is one year older than DS.
DSD came into my life 5 years ago, I dont have any involvement in raising her (DH has her weekends at his PIL house as we have a tiny house and no space apart from a sofa bed (my house when we met and we cant buy bigger as DH still paying for his exW house until DSD turns 18, live an 1.5 hours away so she gets bored at ours and can't see friends / do hobbies over the weekends if she was at ours so it just works best).

DSD has her heart set on going to uni - I fully support her in her decision as I want her to live her life and follow her dreams. DSD mum says she can't afford to assist with funding DSD at uni (she is low income through choice, works 16 hours a week to get full benefits (those who'll comment how do you know; she proudly told me and said she couldnt imagine having work full time like I do) as DH still pays for half the house and some of the bills under the divorce agreement until DSD turns 18). Our joint income whilst not huge means that me and my DH are likely to have to fund quite a lot of her uni costs. I dont begrudge her this as I love her and want her to succeed in life but here's the kicker....
My son also has his heart set on uni and is a smart kid and needs a degree for what he wants to do in a career. By myself and my DH funding my DSD through uni means there's no way we can afford for my son to go.
To not drip feed, my DS's dad died when he was very young so no financial input from that direction.
My DSD will go to uni, her heart is set and both her parents and I want her to go but where does this leave my DS? I cant save up enough to cover his costs from my income and it just seems so unfair his life choices will be limited by me funding a child who is not biologically mine. I want the best for them both.
How do I make this fair?

It’s nice that you want to help his DSD but she has two parents and they need to support her Uni ambitions between them. Perhaps they could agree to sell the house early.

Your DS just has you so plan to support him through Uni as if you didn’t have DP and DSD in your life.

If you don’t do this then your DP’s (and his ex’s) financial choices will directly negatively impact you and your DS.

Incorrect. It only goes on income of household the girl lives in (her mums)
Dad could be dead or multi millionaire makes no difference.
Likewise the boy’s loan is only based on household where he lives so mum and her new partner. His biological dad doesn’t get involved at all in student finance application.

Im not sure about this 'pay the same' idea because the circumstances are not the same, so the DSD will come out of it with much more money.

what you need to work out is so that both kids have the same income - whether thats coming from the full student loan that DSD will receive if her mum is on a low income, or from the parental contribution which is going to be based on both of your incomes.

either way it is not unusual to expect kids to either save money / work in holidays/ get a gap year job, work whilst at uni, to help support themselves, when at uni - unless its Oxbridge, where they dont really have the time and are discouraged.

if your DH is contributing to the house until the daughter is 18 is that due to come to a halt - what is going to happen then? will the house be sold so that he will have access to the equity he is owed? Will that be able to be used to get them through uni?

your language is very telling op.

Firstly, it’s isn’t ‘his’ house, it’s ‘theirs’

Secondly, she wouldn’t have ‘come after his pension’ - you are referring to the pension accrued when they were together as presumably she was providing the childcare to their dd whilst he provided the income. So, some (if it was started before they lived together) or all (if not) of his pension were part of their joint assets to be split on divorce. He chose to keep his pension, so obviously she should get a larger share of the remaining assets. If anything it seems somewhat unfair on her that she only got 50% of the house and he got 100% of his pension. Why was that?

thirdly, you keep talking about him paying ‘her bills’ (see above, the mortgage is joint) but this seems to be in return for her doing pretty much all the childcare as he moved 1.5 hours away, and also in lieu of child maintenance which you haven’t mentioned?

you and your dh have made some very bizarre choices. For him a decision to move away from his dd and in to a house where she can’t stay is abysmally poor parenting. For you, getting married and moving him in, when your house wasn’t big enough and you must surely have been aware of this impact on student loans for your son.

it seems you and your dh have continually put yourselves and what you want for yourselves way above thinking about your children.

you also haven’t really answered what you mean when you say ‘you’ are oaying for your dad. In what way? Do you mean your dh doesn’t contribute his 33% of bills to your house?

In essence, you and your DH have 2 children. So if you want to be fair, surely you look at the total savings you both have for Uni, the total loan amount each kid will be eligible for, and split the money between them so that they both end up in the same position (including loans and your savings)? It may not stretch to cover each of their outgoings - that's life. They'll have get jobs / defer and get full time jobs and then continue with part time employment during their degree.

Or is the real issue that your DH wants to spend all your joint uni savings on his daughter and just hope money will fall from the sky when it's your DS's turn? If it's the latter, I'd rearrange the finances so he doesn't have access to your savings. Ensure the joint account (if you keep it) is strictly for bills only.

DSD should put her biological mums address and also apply for additional scholarships through the university.

Surely DH can use what he’s paying towards bills for Uni? Maintenance sounds like it stops at 18 on the order. He will have to force the house sale and could use funding Uni as a reason?

If you are determined to give them exactly the same amount Op how does that work if one gets a degree apprenticeship?
So DSD gets say a solicitor degree apprenticeship - all uni tuition costs, postgraduate courses and say £30,000 salary a year paid.
DS goes to uni on min maintenance loan to study law and you are required to top him up £500 a month.
Is your DH really going to give her £500 a month cash on top of her wages so it’s ‘fair’
How will you address student debt ‘fairly’ hers is zero his is £50,000 plus.

Get government loans. See Telegraph head lines just yesterday -
''BILLIONS OWED BY FOREIGN STUDENTS in unpaid loans etc...'
''EU students owe £5.3 Billion by 2024 -25 according to Student Loan Company..''!
Apply asap before no money left!

If the house can be sold once she's at uni, can't some of that equity then be used to pay uni costs?

But it sounds like you need a discussion with your DH that he can't top her up such that she ends up with more than your DS, particularly given that your DS will get a smaller loan.

If we can get a bigger house (which a lot of pp are telling me is selfish to do as it doesn't put kids first) then my DSD would have a 15 minute trian commute from the uni she wants to go to. Son is also debating that uni.

Exactly this
she should get quite a bit of help of her Mum only works 16hrs - I wouldn’t worry about this I think it’ll all work out ok fine. Students are also only in uni about 10 hours a week so plenty of scope for a part time job too. I’d speak to the uni she wants to go too (as if you were the mum on 16hrs!) and find out what you are entitled too.

DSD is doing nothing wrong by applying on her mums household income. She lives with mum. Her dad doesn’t even have a bed for her to stay in at his house.
Some yp get creative in sixth form and deliberately move in with poorer household but she’s not pulling any shenanigans she genuinely lives with her mum.

Yup. When if you actually look from the other side, the exwife has done all the parenting, got none of the joint pension, only half the house.

I’d keep finances separate except for joint bills. That way you can send money to your son from your own salary. Don’t contribute towards your step daughter because she has two parents.

Sorry this is completely mental.

They are both healthy young adults, they work to support themselves through uni like most people do.

Whatever support you give them should either be precisely the same down to the last pound, or split along each parent funding their own child.

Which means, assuming your household bills are 50/50 they stay that way and your husband pays for his girl from whatever he has left over and you do the same when your boy starts.

And dont be fooled into thinking they can't work and study, of course they can. It takes some discipline and effort but it will make them more employable at the end.

If you are in the UK, they can both take out loans. No young person is prevented from going to university because of lack of parental funds.

Op,
Work together with your DSD, DS and DH to research costs and loans, and work out what is possible and what is fair.

Do your research from point of view that your DS WILL also go to Uni. And make sure you involve your DSD, DS and DH in the research.

Get organised with a spreadsheet to track costs, loans, etc.

• Research all related costs: course fees, other course costs, accommodation, transportation, weekly living costs, etc
• Research all related incomings: Maximum loans both are likely to get, Income from summer jobs, part time jobs during Uni, etc
• are there any scholarships or bursaries available? There often are. Google it, ask at school, check with university..
• Are either of them able to do their course locally, saving a fortune on accommodation?

Check length of accommodation contracts.
My DDs accommodation only did 52 week contracts last 2 years.

Set expectations that ‘preferred’ accommodation may not be affordable, that accommodation will need to be chosen based on what can be afforded.

Set expectation that they need to work part time and use their savings from work to help support themselves at Uni.
Make it clear that money needs to be spread between both of them, and it needs to factor in difference in loans available to both of them

Someone mentioned above about working for a year to build up savings to help pay for Uni costs. Is this an option for either? This year makes a huge difference in maturity and they are much more likely to do better at Uni as a result.

Make a start on collecting all the facts and figures. You will learn more as you go along.
You can come back to Mumsnet to fact check and check if you are missing anything.
I found it a bit daunting to get started on, but I learned loads as I started to work on it with DD. She is half way through third year now!
The earlier you start the better, you really need to go into this knowing all the costs.

I would definitely prioritise their education over your housing need. A degree is needed for so many jobs now.

Your DSD will live at Uni for most of the year. She will only be home for holidays and she will continue to spend time with her Mom, whether in their existing house or new accommodation.
Remember too that many students go abroad or to other cities to work over the summer holidays. And often move to new cities for work when finished their degree.

Is upsizing really needed just yet?

She may not get a place or course may be pulled, lots of unis are cancelling courses. Or they may change her mind re living away. I wouldn’t buy a house that will cut your ability to contribute to ds until I knew what was definitely happening re them both.

DSD has two biological parents AND a stepmother providing for her. Your son has one biological parent and one stepfather. You must advocate for his interests first.

If she lives at home and goes to uni she wont avtually need that much money! She will have no rent, bills or food costs which is the bulk of students costs. The minimum loan would be enough for travel and basics plus some fun. If she wans any more than she can get a job. Same for yoh DS

Well, if the can't go to uni at all, what is the point in him debating it?

There isn’t a uk loans system it varies by country. In England min loan is £4900. Accommodation often £7/8000. Plus food, travel, laundry etc.
Yes they can work and save, hopefully get a pt job at uni but it’s naive to think they can all go immediately after A levels with no parental support. The work in gap year and save model relies on a parent willing to support them whilst they work and save.

Do they have part-time jobs already? Supermarkets are good as they might also have branches in the uni city so a bit of continuity if they can transfer. As soon as A-levels finish they should be looking for jobs, it’s possible to build up enough savings to see them through the first year for food and entertainment. Then supplement either by working at uni or when they’re home during breaks. I know parents are expected to make up the loan shortfall but it’s not mandatory and not always possible.

Really helpful @MomOfTwoGirls2 thank you.
If both children go to our local uni (DSD is set on it, DS is thinking about that one. Then they could both live with us and have a 15 minute train commute to uni....but we would need to upsize the house.