Cost of stepdaughter going to uni will stop my son being able to do the same

[Exhaustedbird1]

Just after some views on this please as not sure where to stand my ground and how to make this fair.

For context so no drip feed : Married, have one DS and one DSD. DSD is one year older than DS.
DSD came into my life 5 years ago, I dont have any involvement in raising her (DH has her weekends at his PIL house as we have a tiny house and no space apart from a sofa bed (my house when we met and we cant buy bigger as DH still paying for his exW house until DSD turns 18, live an 1.5 hours away so she gets bored at ours and can't see friends / do hobbies over the weekends if she was at ours so it just works best).

DSD has her heart set on going to uni - I fully support her in her decision as I want her to live her life and follow her dreams. DSD mum says she can't afford to assist with funding DSD at uni (she is low income through choice, works 16 hours a week to get full benefits (those who'll comment how do you know; she proudly told me and said she couldnt imagine having work full time like I do) as DH still pays for half the house and some of the bills under the divorce agreement until DSD turns 18). Our joint income whilst not huge means that me and my DH are likely to have to fund quite a lot of her uni costs. I dont begrudge her this as I love her and want her to succeed in life but here's the kicker....
My son also has his heart set on uni and is a smart kid and needs a degree for what he wants to do in a career. By myself and my DH funding my DSD through uni means there's no way we can afford for my son to go.
To not drip feed, my DS's dad died when he was very young so no financial input from that direction.
My DSD will go to uni, her heart is set and both her parents and I want her to go but where does this leave my DS? I cant save up enough to cover his costs from my income and it just seems so unfair his life choices will be limited by me funding a child who is not biologically mine. I want the best for them both.
How do I make this fair?

There are no grants nowadays and not enough jobs for all students to work. Most parents contribute if possible.

In NZ we never expect our parents to pay. We get student loans to pay for fees and textbooks etc. To live we get student allowance and top it up by jobs at places like macdonalds. Parents dont contribute on top of it all.

@Sassynanny Don’t think NZ rules apply here. The cost of uni accommodation is high and the lower value loans haven’t kept pace. They are often only 50% of the cost of accommodation.

Of course there are jobs but they've got to look for them as soon as they can when arrive at uni as they get snapped up!

You’re joking. The full loan doesn’t cover everything.

@vickylou78 Why? DD will get full loan and possibly a bursary. Choose the right uni and be careful with money, she might not need to work and some university courses prohibit working.

Times change. There are not many jobs suitable for students in some cities nowadays.

That's what I was thinking. Your DH couldn't make her work more hours so how will he make her sell the house? Where will she go? Has the court decided that they sell the house? Will the court's decision be realistically enforceable?

This. She will have to get a job to supplement but should be eligible for the full maintenence grant

Guess depends on what city!! There's jobs here.

Very few where i live.

Are NZ students loans much more generous and your accommodation cheap?
The issue in England is loans haven’t kept up with cost of living so student accommodation often costs more than loan the yp receives.
The wage boundaries the loans are based on also haven’t increased for years so eg both parents on minimum wage wage are classed as a high earning household and are expected to contribute nearly £4000 a year to their yp. Lots of parents are shocked at the level of contribution required (I’m not surprised given how many in this thread seem to think grants still exist…)
The changes to Min wage/NI also have hit the pt job market making student jobs hard to secure in some areas and if they’ve can they are often 0 hours types. Some unis require attendance at tutorials and lectures with logged attendance so missing uni to work a shift isn’t always feasible.

Quite bizarre to me that anyone would think not being funded by parents = not going to uni. I entirely funded myself as did many of my peers. It was difficult to work that much around medical school but I didn’t have a choice.

You both give what you can to help your own child - including by providing a free place to live, that’s a pretty good deal - and they support themselves with paid work. They’re surely already working now if they’re this close to adulthood.

She'll be 18 when she goes to Uni so your DH will suddenly have n increased income as he'll no longer be expected to contribute to the cost of his Ex-W house. And Ex-W will have no reason to not work full time to pay the cost of her house and contribute to DSD being at Uni...

You live near a university and there are no jobs? Theres a university but no cinemas, shops, restaurants, cafes, or care homes? Nobody needs tutoring or baby sitting?

How extraordinary.

Why?

Surely, the son gets 2/3rds and the step daughter gets 1/3 of what is available?

Unless they are doing a vocational degree there will be ample time to work. A lot of unis have changed timetables to make it easier for students to work. Tbh they need to work a bit at uni if they want to be remotely employable when they graduate.

That plus even the basic maintenance loan is doable.

sounds like you can afford to top up a bit, so top up the one who won’t get the full maintenance to match that (so your dd).

This. It is totally unreasonable to fund one child and not the other.

Or, you fund your DS, and your DH funds his DD.

I’m still paying off my student loan and will be until it is probably written off, I am not suffering for this, in fact I’m in a better job due to having a degree.
I got full maintenance, and a grant due to my parents income and I worked part time while I was at uni for my fun spending money. It is easily done these days without parents having to fully fund it. They can both go.

This. She can apply as living at her mums (where she does live) and will het maximum uni loan amount

Exactly. I don’t think she should be giving her son less when she could be giving him every penny she can.

I agree with other posters. They both get the same or nothing. If you can afford to pay for your DSD 1000 per month, they each get 500 instead. 100 a month, they get 50 each. You cannot pay for her and not him, its unfair and if your son didn't resent you for that down the line, id be surprised

Exactly what I was going to say.

The vast majority of students have student loans. It’s fine and completely normal. My DD also has a job one day a week in a gastropub which gives her an extra £500 a month once tips are included. It’s all doable - and remember it’s short term - it’s just for 4 years. Your DS absolutely doesn’t have to miss out.

This exactly, although not necessarily a case of hadn’t realised, just can’t afford it