Cost of stepdaughter going to uni will stop my son being able to do the same

[Exhaustedbird1]

Just after some views on this please as not sure where to stand my ground and how to make this fair.

For context so no drip feed : Married, have one DS and one DSD. DSD is one year older than DS.
DSD came into my life 5 years ago, I dont have any involvement in raising her (DH has her weekends at his PIL house as we have a tiny house and no space apart from a sofa bed (my house when we met and we cant buy bigger as DH still paying for his exW house until DSD turns 18, live an 1.5 hours away so she gets bored at ours and can't see friends / do hobbies over the weekends if she was at ours so it just works best).

DSD has her heart set on going to uni - I fully support her in her decision as I want her to live her life and follow her dreams. DSD mum says she can't afford to assist with funding DSD at uni (she is low income through choice, works 16 hours a week to get full benefits (those who'll comment how do you know; she proudly told me and said she couldnt imagine having work full time like I do) as DH still pays for half the house and some of the bills under the divorce agreement until DSD turns 18). Our joint income whilst not huge means that me and my DH are likely to have to fund quite a lot of her uni costs. I dont begrudge her this as I love her and want her to succeed in life but here's the kicker....
My son also has his heart set on uni and is a smart kid and needs a degree for what he wants to do in a career. By myself and my DH funding my DSD through uni means there's no way we can afford for my son to go.
To not drip feed, my DS's dad died when he was very young so no financial input from that direction.
My DSD will go to uni, her heart is set and both her parents and I want her to go but where does this leave my DS? I cant save up enough to cover his costs from my income and it just seems so unfair his life choices will be limited by me funding a child who is not biologically mine. I want the best for them both.
How do I make this fair?

Strange if she rarely stays over she should be making effort to spend time with the family rather than going to see friends that she already sees 5x a week.. Maybe your son should sleep on the sofa too, I would not be able to let somone who didn't visit to often sleep on the sofa that's just rude even if you and husband camped in your sons room on the floor. With regards to uni, you shouldn't have to fund her uni from your wage as she's still living with her mum!! She has her own mum to contribute! Sit down and talk about it, especially as she'll get more funding(bigger loan) goodluck

If your children choose another university and need to leave home and find accommodation, do be prepared to be asked to be a 'guarantor'. If you are asked do check what you are 'guaranteeing', my daughter's last house share was for 12 people.

My late husband and I had to guarantee all three of our daughter's Uni rentals, sadly he died in 2016. When she left Uni in 2018 and moved into private rented accommodation I was still asked to be a guarantor.

Then she needs to go to a uni near your house so she's living at yours all the time. Otherwise hold off on the house upgrade for three more years.

Like many students I didn’t have any parental financial support, I did have a student loan and worked part time during term time and full time during the holidays!

To be honest let both children max out student loans, and don’t offer support to either of them, it’s character building to work part time, and it helps you make friends!

Friends at uni who did receive parental support were often in bar I worked at, spending their parents hard earned money, while I was earning pay plus tips to support myself! Parental support doesn’t mean more study time… often the opposite because there is more disposable income available for drinking and socialising!

If you want to help them, save whatever you can afford to put towards a deposit for a home / starting a business or to make an overpayment on their loans when they graduate which will massively reduce the amount of interest they pay over the lifetime of the loan repayments!

The biggest costs to students is rent, so if a child wants to stay in their home city to go to university, and live at home, there wouldn’t be any need to provide additional financial support!

This is good advice.

My first thought was for you to sort out your own DC and your DH to sort out his DC. But as it’s your DH’s fault that your DS won’t get the full loan amount, I think he should be contributing to your DS too.

Why not work out what DSD would get per week (going off of her Mum’s salary), and what your DS would get per week (going off of yours and DH’s salary), and then top them up so that they both receive the same X amount? So you’d be giving your DS more as he’d be entitled to less, but he’s only entitled to less as your DH’s living in YOUR house, so I think this is fair.

Your Step Daughter will get far more funding given her application will be based on her mums circumstances. Then your finances will be based on your son’s funding. There is no reason why they both cant work alongside studying, part time in term time, full time in holidays of which there are plenty! The money they earn working through the summer will see them well in to the new academic year. Both should be able to go to Uni and both should have parental support.

No-one seems to have mentioned that the income they use to calculate a student loan is actually taken from earlier years. So income of the household the child was living in April 5th 2024 - March 31st 2025 for Uni year starting autumn 2026. You then reapply for student loan each year they are at Uni, taking the next financial year to work out the loan, and so on. Not sure if that makes things different for you?

Neither mine nor my hubby's parents helped with the cost of uni. We got student loans and student overdrafts, lived cheaply and learnt to appreciate the cost of things, and then once earning we paid it back. Save half the money for your son. It is then fair as they each get the same amount of financial support. It's more than some will get and less than some will get.

If your son has a specific career in mind, is it possible to do an apprenticeship in it?
Then the employer could offer a degree course while he's getting paid

Have you spoken to Money Advice at Student Finance Support at whichever Universities your children are considering? They are well versed in complex family circumstances snd will find a way through. There is no way any University will want to miss out on having your daughter ! And no reason why your daughter should miss out! Many students study with no family support at all. They may havevto work pt but it is completely doable.

You are already funding your son's food and probably things like clothes, transport, mobile phone, use of gas and electricity, entertainment etc. And DH is contributing to all this for DSD through maintenance. So if they both get a loan you might find it's not as bad as you thought once you take into account the fact that you're spending less. If you are planning to buy a house together you could take some equity out of your property to further support your son. £10k doesn't make a huge amount of difference when you're buying a house but would give him £3k more a year if needed.

Do not fund DSD. That's up to your partner and his ex. If she can't go because your partners ex is lazy she needs to take that up with her mum. Do not sacrifice your sons life for a child who has a perfectly capable mum.

Sometimes compromise is needed. Surely looking at a cheaper uni area rather than considering moving house so they can both live at home is more sensible? Esp considering there is no guarantee either will get into their first choice? Or that they'll still be doing the course they want in 2/3 years?

What about part time jobs? If funding is going to be an issue, then can they get a part time job and start saving? Presumably DSD is 16?

They wouldn't be the first children to decline to go to uni in London/Cambridge/Oxford for cost reasons. I did, although the landscape was very different at the time. Also don't forget they can also work through uni.

Wow.

It sounds like you will have issues getting exW out of the house to sell it. Presumably it would cause more problems if DH doesn’t continue to pay the mortgage until it’s sold. Is there a plan for how & when this will happen? There will certainly be a time when that house is sold but you haven’t got accommodation for DSD.

Would your DS consider delaying uni for a year so that you only have to manage one year where they overlap?

I moved out at 17 and went to uni on a grant. My parents never paid for anything since I left.

In 2 years time your DSD will be 18 and off to uni. Then her Mum and your DH will sell the house and he will have a lump sum as he owns 50% of the house. That's money to help both children. What ever happens, both children need the same financial support.

@vincettenoir It’s not great for the one with the much smaller loan though. They have a much larger shortfall by probably a large amount. If we accept DDs loan is based on a single parent with a low income, the DD will get the full maintenance loan. That’s over £10,000 and might be eligible for a bursary too from her uni. DS won’t get the highest loan and won’t get a bursary so is considerably worse off. He would have to work to get close to what DD gets from the state/university. Thats not really very fair. I think the money from op and her partner has to be directed a bit more to DS. If he does a course with no working allowed, what then?

I think the issue is more that because DS’s student loan etc will be assessed on their joint income, then OP will need to use their joint income to top up funding. She hasn’t said explicitly, but I get the feeling that DH is the higher earner so he will need to help contribute to DS. He may not be able to afford this if he is already paying for DSD.

Your DS should be able to go to uni as well. Have the frank and open conversation with your DH and explain DS is going as well … how will this be managed. There’s no point getting stressed and if DH can’t see your point of view then you have seen his view on so much more!

@Shelby2010 But he probably doesn’t need to fund DD very much. The op seemed to ignore DD’s advantageous loan position that really can pay for most of her maintenance at uni. That isn’t saying he should not contribute but I don’t see it as anywhere near equivalent to what the DS needs. It’s a different situation for him and they need to sit down and work it out.

I think you received loads of helpful suggestions OP, I am just baffled that someone can keep the house for x years and refuse to take on full time employment for no reason at all, then push the entire burden of university costs onto the ex husband.

Both children will need to work whilst at uni and apply for student grants and loans.

With all due respect, your DH shouldn’t be making up the difference if it means your DS can’t have the same opportunity, it’s as simple as that, DSD isn’t the only person to consider.
DSD applies for everything she is due, which will be more than what your DS will get as he leaves in a two income household.