Cost of stepdaughter going to uni will stop my son being able to do the same

[Exhaustedbird1]

Just after some views on this please as not sure where to stand my ground and how to make this fair.

For context so no drip feed : Married, have one DS and one DSD. DSD is one year older than DS.
DSD came into my life 5 years ago, I dont have any involvement in raising her (DH has her weekends at his PIL house as we have a tiny house and no space apart from a sofa bed (my house when we met and we cant buy bigger as DH still paying for his exW house until DSD turns 18, live an 1.5 hours away so she gets bored at ours and can't see friends / do hobbies over the weekends if she was at ours so it just works best).

DSD has her heart set on going to uni - I fully support her in her decision as I want her to live her life and follow her dreams. DSD mum says she can't afford to assist with funding DSD at uni (she is low income through choice, works 16 hours a week to get full benefits (those who'll comment how do you know; she proudly told me and said she couldnt imagine having work full time like I do) as DH still pays for half the house and some of the bills under the divorce agreement until DSD turns 18). Our joint income whilst not huge means that me and my DH are likely to have to fund quite a lot of her uni costs. I dont begrudge her this as I love her and want her to succeed in life but here's the kicker....
My son also has his heart set on uni and is a smart kid and needs a degree for what he wants to do in a career. By myself and my DH funding my DSD through uni means there's no way we can afford for my son to go.
To not drip feed, my DS's dad died when he was very young so no financial input from that direction.
My DSD will go to uni, her heart is set and both her parents and I want her to go but where does this leave my DS? I cant save up enough to cover his costs from my income and it just seems so unfair his life choices will be limited by me funding a child who is not biologically mine. I want the best for them both.
How do I make this fair?

This boy has a university close to home so an honest conversation about money will highlight the advantages of living at home and going to that university.

OP seems to think it’s all or nothing. And that she is sitting down deciding whether he goes or not.

in her shoes I would think long and hard about how I play this and what relationships I value. Telling your son he can’t go to university because of a step sister he rarely sees is cruel and wrong. His mother’s romantic choices shouldn’t impact his future.

Hmmmmm uni isn't all it's cracked up to be. Maybe they could do an apprenticeship? Does seem bit of a first world problem tbh. Suggest all 3 of you imput for both kids.

sorry, don’t know a lot about Uni as I never went. I got a degree by doing apprenticeships and on the job learning.

can I ask what costs? It’s my understanding that she will be able to get a loan to cover the cost? If she decides to move to go to uni, Then she needs to find a job and a bedroom to rent.

sorry I can’t be much help. I don’t think it’s fair that one gets to go and the other doesn’t.

Student loans.. dont crush your son's dreams, encourage him, investigate the loan system, he will survive, and do not contribute out of your wage towards step daughters funds, explain youre saving for your son, as you wouldn't expect the X wife to pay for your son either.

In your position, I'd be putting everything that I could into an account for my son and nothing for the DSD. Sorry.

The DSD has two parents.

You shouldn't pay a penny towards her if you aren't funding your son.

Both will go to uni.
Both will get student loans.
Both will have to get a part time job to support themselves.
And both will help from you and your husband to top up their income. Or your SD gets it from your husband and you help your DD.

Your son should have the same opportunities. Her mother should be doing more to fund her own child. It is totally unfair that it falls to you. If your DH funds his daughter and your son misses out because of this, that would be a deal breaker.

That.

her residence needs to be her mum and not you.

Don’t sacrifice your child for your step child. Father pays towards his; you towards yours.
Bar work and stacking shelves in supermarkets and student loans will help both of them.

They apply for student loans separately and you give equally.
Anything they fall short of they need to get a part time job.
Nothing should stop your son going it’s just a case of balancing the finances between both.

Okay couple of things:
my daughters both went to uni after me and ex had separated (not divorced at the time). We had to prove he lived elsewhere and they assessed on my income alone so they will likely do the same with DSD. She will get the full maintenance loan which should cover her costs (supplemented by a part time job to pay for socialising and clothes etc). I didn’t give my two any money on top and both managed fine so you and your DH do not need to fund DSD through uni at all.
DS will be assessed on your joint income so he may not get the full loan and you and your DH will be expected to make up the difference. That comes out of your joint income and doesn’t mean DS gets more it means he gets equal.
Do note that the loan is reassessed every year so I wouldn’t be moving DSD in to yours during uni years unless you want to reduce her loan entitlement. And again what you would have to contribute is joint - not his and yours.

Sounds like you and DH have reasonably separate finances, and his obligations to his ex will end once DSD turns 18.
I think you sit down with DH and agree to one of the following:

• You will give both DSD and DS the same contribution for uni whilst at uni, and make it clear to both roughly what that will be, and that they may need a part time job alongside to support themselves. [If DH's obligations to his ex end when DSD turns 18, then hopefully that means the money he's been contributing there can be split between DSD and DS]
• DH supports DSD through uni, you support DS through uni separately. You would need to agree what your contributions to the house, general living expenses etc would be before you sort how much you each can give your kids. It's not fair for you to prioritise DSD over DS, but it would be fair for DH to support her (especially if using money that's previously been paid to her mum)
• They'll both be entitled to student loan anyway, DSD more than DS by the sounds of it, so you may like to look at what they're each likely to get, what they could potentially earn working part time, and figure out an amount to 'top them up to', so you're giving DSD less, but making sure her and DS both have the same amount of spending money.

As others have said it will only be her mother's income they look at when giving step daughter the loan. As mother is low income Step daughter will have student loans one for the course and a maintenance loan. I was earning £38kp/a when my son applied and he still got the full amount. I did send him £100 each month so that he didn't have to work but he did work in his final year. My partner worked throughout his studies as he had nobody to support him financially. He worked multiple jobs to get by. I studied as a mature student and I also worked part time, as well as raising 5 kids alone.
So, no you wont have to fund it but it is nice for him to support her as and when she may need a few £'s here or there. As I'm sure you will do for your son in the future.

When you are helping her make university choices look carefully at housing costs in the area. If she chooses a university with high housing coats (eg in London or Bristol
etc) she will struggle to afford it in her loan. But if she chooses carefully she will be able to fund it all on her loan). This was one of the first things I looked at with my kids and they are at low cost accommodation universities.

I didn’t take a thing from my parents for uni, it’s not meant to bleed parents dry. I chose a uni close to home and travelled each day. I learnt to drive to get myself there. I had a part time job and worked all weekend and a full day during the week. Other 4 days were 8-5 at uni. All my course fees were via loan and the maintenance I received I banked due to living at home and it was my deposit for my first home. Yes I’m still paying it off a month but it’s barely noticeable and it will clear itself before I pay it off.
Alternatively my DH (before we met) chose a uni in London 350 miles away, his parents funded the full thing, all course fees, accommodation and living costs and he didn’t get a PT job. Must have cost them 50k. Instead he lived above a fried chicken shop and gained 4 stone in weight. Got a good degree but could still do the job he does now without it.
Going to uni does not mean moving hundreds of miles away and living off parents. It doesn’t set them up well for their future, they need to learn how to work it out for themselves.

You don't need to fund any student going to uni, plenty of parents are not in a position to, but that doesn't mean they can't go. There are student loans for these things to cover uni fees and living costs. As your partner's ex is low income, and that is her main residence, your step daughter would qualify for the full amount of these. Students only pay these back once they start working after graduation, paying it back over 30 years. Plenty of students also get part time jobs whilst at uni as well, like bar work, waiting staff, retail.
With this approach both your children can attend uni, your partner can supplement his daughter if he wants to and you can do the same for your son, but shouldn't be necessary.
Taking this approach means that in the future, if you save, you're more likely to be able to help them with a deposit to get on the property ladder down the line when they get good jobs

He should not control your combined household income in favour of his daughter. This does not make sense to me. I know you say he is your husband but, really he landed on his feet did he not, given it is your house. Hopefully you have not changed the deeds. If you have, you need to seek financial advice without him knowing. I would seriously be questioning his motives and, if that is too strong, then your (not joint) overall financial wellbeing. You need to protect both yourself and your son. Your husband should be looking after both if he truly cares for both and not one above the other. Sounds like he just wants an easy life and gives into his Ex. Did your now husband leave her for you by any chance? If not, then there clearly is a back story to his behaviour and why she is so gleefully able to goad you to the extent she does when it comes to finances. As said, you need to protect yourself and your son. I would actually stall on any sale of your property if it is still in your name. As a matter of interest how old are they now?

I have a two up, two down and will face a similar dilemma in future. One option I have thought about is converting loft to another bedroom and/or a small extension to make a granny flat at back of it. We could use lounge as third bedroom as it has a wall to make a hallway with a door that will enclose it. Any of those potential ideas?

As many have said, she will get a full loan. It probably won't be enough to totally cover her costs, but you will probably only have to pay an extra thousand or so, depending on the cost of accommodation.I just give my DC the money and they choose their accommodation and budget accordingly.

@Exhaustedbird1 I’ve not read the updates yet, I’ll be honest, but this.

WTAF!! You do NOT fund one child & not the other, otherwise there will be MAJOR problems down the line. Your son is your responsibility and his daughter is your partner’s responsibility.

I’m staggered, I really am. When I went to uni, my parents were desperately poor & not working. They lived in dire poverty. I took out full loans myself to the maximum. I also worked every holiday and took a gap year to save up money where I worked all the overtime I could & get experience in my chosen field.

my parents couldn’t even afford to let me live at home so at the age of 18 I was in charge of my rent and bills.

not once did I go back to my parents and ask them to help me out in any way. Even when I had to move houses, I paid for a man with a van out of my own pocket & arranged it myself.

I also paid for my own holidays.

You and your partner needs stern words. Also, since your daughter lives with her unemployed mum, she will be entitled to maximum loans. Any further money she can ask her grandparents, aunties, uncles etc or work.

I would also think about wills. If you die, you want to make sure your money goes to your son. You do not want your house, which you owned before you met your husband, going to his daughter, or his daughter getting half of your home.

I just never get blended families: so many put up with outrageous sheet.

I see enough break-ups where step-parents are only in kids or partners for a few years, then they move on.

fix this mess now. Your poor dead husband must be turning in his grave knowing his only son is being fleeced out of his inheritance.

Can someone please explain to me what all these initials mean ...it actually throws me of reading these pages, thanks x

The DSD will be able to get a much bigger loan than OP's child though, so no reason to give equally.They just need to make sure they get the same amount once the loan is taken into account.

I know it doesn't feel the same, but honestly in this day and age and apprenticeship or straight into work will likely benefit your son more than uni! Especially if he is more practical anyway. I would be very annoyed and definitely see how it feels unfair, but it could be better for your son.

I would also suggest that your step daughter gets a job (I worked as a waitress 2 nights a week during year 12 and 13 and still got 4.5 A levels at A and A*). Also can you split your finances so your husband pays for his daughter but you don't have to contribute as much, even if it results in your son still not going to uni, he may end up with more help from you for a car etc.