Cost of stepdaughter going to uni will stop my son being able to do the same

[Exhaustedbird1]

Just after some views on this please as not sure where to stand my ground and how to make this fair.

For context so no drip feed : Married, have one DS and one DSD. DSD is one year older than DS.
DSD came into my life 5 years ago, I dont have any involvement in raising her (DH has her weekends at his PIL house as we have a tiny house and no space apart from a sofa bed (my house when we met and we cant buy bigger as DH still paying for his exW house until DSD turns 18, live an 1.5 hours away so she gets bored at ours and can't see friends / do hobbies over the weekends if she was at ours so it just works best).

DSD has her heart set on going to uni - I fully support her in her decision as I want her to live her life and follow her dreams. DSD mum says she can't afford to assist with funding DSD at uni (she is low income through choice, works 16 hours a week to get full benefits (those who'll comment how do you know; she proudly told me and said she couldnt imagine having work full time like I do) as DH still pays for half the house and some of the bills under the divorce agreement until DSD turns 18). Our joint income whilst not huge means that me and my DH are likely to have to fund quite a lot of her uni costs. I dont begrudge her this as I love her and want her to succeed in life but here's the kicker....
My son also has his heart set on uni and is a smart kid and needs a degree for what he wants to do in a career. By myself and my DH funding my DSD through uni means there's no way we can afford for my son to go.
To not drip feed, my DS's dad died when he was very young so no financial input from that direction.
My DSD will go to uni, her heart is set and both her parents and I want her to go but where does this leave my DS? I cant save up enough to cover his costs from my income and it just seems so unfair his life choices will be limited by me funding a child who is not biologically mine. I want the best for them both.
How do I make this fair?

The house next door took 9 months to sell. You have to continue paying the mortgage until contracts and everything else that happens in the final stages of selling has been complete. His name is on the deeds he either continues paying his half or his ex works more hours. I know people who are claiming and are still struggling to get by. As for renting it depends on where they live south is more expensive than up North.

The comment about her working part time to get full benefits is snide and completely none of your business. People have the right to make choices - and someone working 16 hours a week on min wage or above won't be getting full benefits.

They'll get a top up similar to what people did when they got working tax credits

Leave her alone to live her life and you can deal with the house being sold when your step daughter turns 18

Nothing is going to stop your son going to uni. People have explained this and it's fact

Her maintenance loan will be worked out on her mums income as that's who she lives with full time

Nothing to do with you or your husband

Here we go. Nit picking extraordinare.

Is that it

Yeah that's it. Nit picking benefit bashing extraordinare. Hth - you called someone a ponce because they work part time - what difference does it make to you. It makes no difference about how much of a mortgage the OPs husband has to pay or bills they have to pay

Why do women get hung out to dry for working part time?

Erm, not sure what the OP is banging on about. When you marry someone with kids and an ex-spouse on maintenance - thems the breaks. You can sell your respective houses (eventually) and top-up yourselves to cover fancy unis or buy a house near the local uni. You want it to be equal, or at least that’s what you are saying. Not sure what this post is about other than a misunderstanding of how universities regard household income. If you are very worried, you and your DH could get better jobs, you’ve mentioned several times his ex-wife doesn’t work very hard. Lucky you big swingers are there to show them how it’s done…

We all have to pay into our future old age. It's the Government pension system that fucks women over. Quality of life declines for people in old age who lives in poverty. We tend to only think about now and not the future. Men however work full-time hours and get a full pension at the end. If ops husband's ex wife works part-time through choice she won't be laughing later when she retires and looks at her bank balance every month.

As you know my partner's mother was a single mother and she worked 3 jobs in NHS and had a fantastic pension. She had 5 children to look after as well. What you do your working life will reflect how much pension you get later.

The OPs husband should be applauded for stepping up for his child after the divorce. Many people do everything they can to avoid it

This has nothing to do with how many hours the mother works - it's about his responsibility as a father

Also OP - you live in a two up two down - plenty of people do

Nothing your husband is doing for his daughter will stop your son going to uni. On any level

When the family home is sold then surely that will free up money to help his daughter through uni

I also think these are conversations that your husband and his ex should be having - if her mother is on a low income then the daughter will get a higher maintenance loan - that's the way it works

Your son has options. Your household income will count when it comes to how much of a maintenance loan he will qualify for - but that's the same for everyone - and that has nothing to do with his ex wife

Your DH has absolutely no obligation to fund any more of his daughter's uni than he can afford.

The amount of her loan is scaled according to the household income of the address that is her main residence. As her mum is low income she will get maximum. Your DH can choose to add more but he should not give more than can be spared. You yourself have no obligation at all to fund DSD and should keep your money ringfenced for your DS.

Even if a young person has a minimal loan due to high parental income there is no legal obligation for the parents to support. Obviously most do, but it would be totally unreasonable and unethical to actually favour one child at the expense of the younger.

This isn’t how university funding works. If parents can’t afford to support, then student gets full loan. It doesn’t mean they can’t go! How do you think that children from low income households manage to go to university?

Op,
when working out the numbers
look at possibility of DSD attending your local Uni, but staying in Student accommodation.
And your son attending local Uni but staying at home, where he currently lives.
The size of their maximum loans should cover this for both of them.

The cost of upsizing will come close to or likely exceed the cost of 3 years student accommodation.
By the time you factor in stamp duty, surveys, moving costs, higher mortgage repayments, etc….
Estimate the costs of upsizing as part of your research into costs/loans.

I think you have some time yet. Your DSD is 16? So won’t be uni age until year after next? And your DS is younger?
start putting away money to support this now. Little and often will build up.

But it is a good time to start researching the costs so you know what is ahead of you. And you can start planning and saving for it now.

I know you want this for your DS too. Make that non negotiable, and make sure the plan you make covers both DSD and DS going to Uni.

No of course it doesn’t. It comes out of his half. Not your half. You need to rethink your household income/outgoings. He can just keep pouring money the other way. Plus any maintenance he’s paying the mum stops at 18 including half the mortgage.
Time for a grown up discussion.

That’s not true. Lots of parents earn too much for yp to get full loan but can’t contribute. You lose entitlement to fill loan if household you live in earns more than £25,000. Outgoings aren’t taken into account. Some parents either won’t contribute eg disagree with course or financially can’t.
A common scenario is low earning mum moves higher earning man in. Her child’s loan is now assessed as minimum loan. If she’s only earning a small wage finding the required £6000 a year to top up from her net is impossible. Lots of women unfortunately don’t realise it’s assessment based on household income.

Jealousy.

Here on Commsnet all women must be working full time otherwise they are a feckless waste of space. Unthinkable that any other version of existence is possible.

I think the Ex played a blinder getting a deal like that. Good for her. This system is rotten to the core and most will never see it.

The thing that is preventing adding up what they can afford and dividing it by two is that OP’s husband earns more than her. OP has her nose out of joint because he can pay for his daughter and she can’t pay for her son, and rather than get annoyed with the husband is projecting onto the ex wife with invented ‘benefit scrounger’ narratives.

Has OP clarified whether her DS is also her DH's DS or is he his DSS?

They have only been together for a few years. Her son is from a previous relationship, his dad died.

Yes a fair few times

Thanks @Bellyblueboy and @soupyspoon

Maybe I read this incorrectly but isn’t he living in her house? They need to decide whether they are pooling resources and then supporting both kids equally - or keeping everything separately and supporting kids separately. If that’s the case, I’d be asking him for rent/higher contributions to household to help support her son.

If DSD gets the full maintenance loan then her parents won’t have to find a huge amount. She will get over £10,000. So she needs a loan and that’s based on where she lives - with her low earning mum. So the cost to dad isn’t high if she doesn’t choose an expensive city and she can work .

For DS, it’s household income and it’s down to op and the man she lives with as it’s their income. Hopefully his dad left insurance or pension death benefit. But there’s two of them in the house and these financial elements have to be considered. Again the DS could work to bridge the gap but op needs a frank discussion with her partner about this.

In addition to a PP’s breakdown of house purchasing / moving costs, have you also considered what could happen if neither DC want to go to the local university or they don’t meet the grade requirements or simply don’t want to live at home?

The cost of accommodation at university has increased massively in recent years and the loans have not kept up. It is not usually possible to go unless parents help out or the student works significant hours.

The only thing I’d add to all the helpful comments is set up expectations for everyone now on what you’re thinking. So this is what we can afford to contribute. This is what we contribute now. This will stop when, be redistributed how etc
Please for the love of god be as upfront about money and budgeting as far ahead as possible. I sat my DSC and DC down and we went through living costs when they were about 12 for the first time. And as I’ve always been open about it they really understand that while it looks good on paper it isn’t always good in real life.
There are excellent resources for student budgets available.

@NearlyXmasy That’s not true. Some dc do get cheaper Halls of £7,000 and live on £3,000. Not easy but doable. Obviously it helps to work in the holidays but it’s not vital. Parents where dc have full loan rarely contribute. If dc are lucky the best university is in their home town so they have a fairly generous loan which they can hand over to parents or save. Plus universities have bursaries for the worst off and this can be £2,000. This puts these students in a decent enough position and definitely better off than a student on a minimum loan with parents refusing to pay any money! These are the truly hard up students.