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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

Original poster

Cost of stepdaughter going to uni will stop my son being able to do the same

534 replies

Exhaustedbird1 · 21/12/2025 14:01

Just after some views on this please as not sure where to stand my ground and how to make this fair.

For context so no drip feed : Married, have one DS and one DSD. DSD is one year older than DS.
DSD came into my life 5 years ago, I dont have any involvement in raising her (DH has her weekends at his PIL house as we have a tiny house and no space apart from a sofa bed (my house when we met and we cant buy bigger as DH still paying for his exW house until DSD turns 18, live an 1.5 hours away so she gets bored at ours and can't see friends / do hobbies over the weekends if she was at ours so it just works best).

DSD has her heart set on going to uni - I fully support her in her decision as I want her to live her life and follow her dreams. DSD mum says she can't afford to assist with funding DSD at uni (she is low income through choice, works 16 hours a week to get full benefits (those who'll comment how do you know; she proudly told me and said she couldnt imagine having work full time like I do) as DH still pays for half the house and some of the bills under the divorce agreement until DSD turns 18). Our joint income whilst not huge means that me and my DH are likely to have to fund quite a lot of her uni costs. I dont begrudge her this as I love her and want her to succeed in life but here's the kicker....
My son also has his heart set on uni and is a smart kid and needs a degree for what he wants to do in a career. By myself and my DH funding my DSD through uni means there's no way we can afford for my son to go.
To not drip feed, my DS's dad died when he was very young so no financial input from that direction.
My DSD will go to uni, her heart is set and both her parents and I want her to go but where does this leave my DS? I cant save up enough to cover his costs from my income and it just seems so unfair his life choices will be limited by me funding a child who is not biologically mine. I want the best for them both.
How do I make this fair?

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 21/12/2025 20:11

Summercocktailsgalore · 21/12/2025 20:03

does your oartner pay 50% of all costs for living in your house? Does he pay half of your mortgage ( if mortgage free does he pay tune same to you as the house he owns with his ex) and half of all bills.

if he pays 50% of all costs to you, then it is up to him what he does with his surplus.

you are only responsible for your own child, so should not be paying for your partner’s child at all. She has two biological parents to fund her.

your oartner had already one broken marriage, of or when he leaves you, and your son has no degree level job as you chose to subsidise his partner and daughter how will that leave your relationship?

each parent funds own child. Each adult sharing a house pay 50% of all costs.

You could actually argue the partner should pay LESS than 50%, because there’s 3 (nearly but costs more!) adults who live there and one is only the ops dc. It’s also her house so it’s arguable that he shouldn’t be paying towards her mortgage either.

The op hasn’t answered or put any details in in to how she will actually be paying for her dsd.

ExamHellDoubled · 21/12/2025 20:15

Your SD’s uni loans and maintenance will be the maximum if she mainly resides with her mother who receives benefits.

Also, DH will finish paying maintenance for her when she starts uni and can just give money directly to her if she needs it, making no difference to your household income.

Also, you won’t then need to buy a bigger house as DS will be off to uni himself within months.

This op doesn’t make a lot of sense. If you really are worried about the financial implications of uni on your family, you should at least research student finance, surely?

TheSquareMile · 21/12/2025 20:15

Which subject would he like to read, OP?

ByWisePanda · 21/12/2025 20:28

Whizzywhisk · 21/12/2025 18:49

totally agree with this, work out what you can afford and split it.

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Why because her mother is feckless. Poor op knows how to pick em.

ByWisePanda · 21/12/2025 20:34

arethereanyleftatall · 21/12/2025 20:11

You could actually argue the partner should pay LESS than 50%, because there’s 3 (nearly but costs more!) adults who live there and one is only the ops dc. It’s also her house so it’s arguable that he shouldn’t be paying towards her mortgage either.

The op hasn’t answered or put any details in in to how she will actually be paying for her dsd.

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I don't get why are people not encouraging the op to tell her mum where to go and get a job and pay for her child. Instead they should split it between them while her mother sits around leisurely.

SunnyViper · 21/12/2025 20:35

Not sure why this is an issue? I’ve just put my eldest two through and the third has just started. The eldest two are now doing masters too. My income is not massive but around 60k but I managed🤷‍♂️

CharlieChaplin99 · 21/12/2025 20:46

DSD funding will be based on her main homes household income. So just based on mums HI so she will get maximum maintenance loan.

When your DS goes to Uni Student Funding will be based on your household income (i.e just yours and your DH’s income.

PinkFrogss · 21/12/2025 20:50

ByWisePanda · 21/12/2025 20:34

I don't get why are people not encouraging the op to tell her mum where to go and get a job and pay for her child. Instead they should split it between them while her mother sits around leisurely.

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Is DSDs mum saying that OP should contribute? Apologies if I’ve missed that somewhere in OPs post.

But technically no parents are forced to contribute, there is an expectation that parents will contribute if their child gets less than maximum student loan, but DSD will get full SL so not relevant.

ByWisePanda · 21/12/2025 21:03

PinkFrogss · 21/12/2025 20:50

Is DSDs mum saying that OP should contribute? Apologies if I’ve missed that somewhere in OPs post.

But technically no parents are forced to contribute, there is an expectation that parents will contribute if their child gets less than maximum student loan, but DSD will get full SL so not relevant.

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The op said she doesn't want to work more than 16 hours so she can claim benefits. She only has the one child. No one sees the fuckery in that because it's normal in this country. She can do it and ask the op and her husband to pay towards university. I think it's a fucking liberty. I shouldn't be surprised that not many posters have picked that up.

Yes you are correct she will get the full loan support. Op and her husband will only need to send a £50 here and there. She can get a job. Hopefully she will be good with her money. Her dad on the other hand has no idea what to do with his money. The house should have been sold and both of them buy their own properties. He should only be paying child maintenance not her mortgage.

arethereanyleftatall · 21/12/2025 21:11

No where has the op said the exwife only has one child @ByWisePanda. She might have, she might not, but either way, the hours she chooses to work are completely irrelevant as they aren’t in the ops control.

JJWT · 21/12/2025 21:12

You won't be assessed at all. You will have no contribution to make whatsoever. Her dad, your dh, won't be assessed either. If he wants to chose to contribute, he'll need to get a job. She isn't entitled to a contribution from you. However, your dh will be assessed for his stepson's student finance!

arethereanyleftatall · 21/12/2025 21:13

Also, we don’t know if he is paying any child maintenance @ByWisePanda. As the op has been quick to disparage the ex at every opportunity, I feel like she would have mentioned if he was. The mortgage and bills could be less than he would have to pay in child maintenance, plus he didn’t share his pension.

PinkFrogss · 21/12/2025 21:14

ByWisePanda · 21/12/2025 21:03

The op said she doesn't want to work more than 16 hours so she can claim benefits. She only has the one child. No one sees the fuckery in that because it's normal in this country. She can do it and ask the op and her husband to pay towards university. I think it's a fucking liberty. I shouldn't be surprised that not many posters have picked that up.

Yes you are correct she will get the full loan support. Op and her husband will only need to send a £50 here and there. She can get a job. Hopefully she will be good with her money. Her dad on the other hand has no idea what to do with his money. The house should have been sold and both of them buy their own properties. He should only be paying child maintenance not her mortgage.

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She can ask all she wants doesn’t mean they have to say yes, and as you even say in your post DSD is unlikely to need much of a top up.

I agree OP’s DH isn’t good with money, I can’t get my head round the idea of getting a bigger house when DC are off to uni, or what the benefit would be.

I’m slightly skeptical of OP’s take on ex’s financial situation/benefits entitlement but that’s not the point of the post.

PollyBell · 21/12/2025 21:17

So thinking more OP your decision to have a relationship with this man, how is any of that benefiting your child? you want your child to go to uni so wouldn't it have made more sense not to have a relationship with a man who already had children? you are solely responsible for your child

ByWisePanda · 21/12/2025 21:25

arethereanyleftatall · 21/12/2025 21:11

No where has the op said the exwife only has one child @ByWisePanda. She might have, she might not, but either way, the hours she chooses to work are completely irrelevant as they aren’t in the ops control.

She shouldn't pay for dsd then. She's needs to woman up and tell her partner no to funding her. Her responsibility is to her own son not someone else's child. The op wouldn't have mentioned the hours or benefits if she had other children to look after. It would be obvious why she's working 16 hours and claiming benefits. Doesn't she want to help her daughter or does she hate her child's father that much and his new girlfriend?

arethereanyleftatall · 21/12/2025 21:28

ByWisePanda · 21/12/2025 21:25

She shouldn't pay for dsd then. She's needs to woman up and tell her partner no to funding her. Her responsibility is to her own son not someone else's child. The op wouldn't have mentioned the hours or benefits if she had other children to look after. It would be obvious why she's working 16 hours and claiming benefits. Doesn't she want to help her daughter or does she hate her child's father that much and his new girlfriend?

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Literally…what on earth are you talking about?!? You’re just making stuff up which has absolutely zero relevance to the thread.

ByWisePanda · 21/12/2025 21:34

PinkFrogss · 21/12/2025 21:14

She can ask all she wants doesn’t mean they have to say yes, and as you even say in your post DSD is unlikely to need much of a top up.

I agree OP’s DH isn’t good with money, I can’t get my head round the idea of getting a bigger house when DC are off to uni, or what the benefit would be.

I’m slightly skeptical of OP’s take on ex’s financial situation/benefits entitlement but that’s not the point of the post.

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The op said his wife proudly tells her that she works 16 hours and claims benefits. It's in her first post. Of course it's relevant. The ops sons dad has sadly passed away he needs all the support he can get. Op has mentioned his name is on the house and I don't think he will stop paying the mortgage because he has a financial interest and she will play on that and say "I can't afford the mortgage". I can see more financial issues ahead. University pocket money is the least of ops worries. I agree with other posters she can't make her work more hours. How will she afford paying the mortgage when her child turns 18.

ByWisePanda · 21/12/2025 21:38

arethereanyleftatall · 21/12/2025 21:28

Literally…what on earth are you talking about?!? You’re just making stuff up which has absolutely zero relevance to the thread.

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It's in her first post the op said one dsd and her partners ex proudly brags to her that she works 16 hours and gets benefits. His name is on the house he once shared with his ex wife. How will she afford the mortgage with a part time wage. Can't you see the issues ahead.

Lilactimes · 21/12/2025 21:42

Hi @Exhaustedbird1
im afraid I haven't read the whole thread.
i just came on to say that im single mum and my DD has just graduated. She borrowed her tuition fees. Then the living expenses are estimated at around 10k pa the government. My DD was able to borrow 5k every year for the living exes too and I topped up. I gave her the 5k amount in 3 sums over the 12 months. Some people do weekly if it helps their cash flow. It was manageable for me
My suggestion is that your DP deals with child. And you deal with yours.
You have some time to save and hopefully you can find or borrow the remaining living allowance amount each year. If you can't find that much, many students work to cover their top ups if parents can't afford to.

I think should only concern yourself with finding the money to cover your own DC and that's around 15k over 3 years - and that's maximum.

good luck x

Roobarbtwo · 21/12/2025 21:59

ByWisePanda · 21/12/2025 21:38

It's in her first post the op said one dsd and her partners ex proudly brags to her that she works 16 hours and gets benefits. His name is on the house he once shared with his ex wife. How will she afford the mortgage with a part time wage. Can't you see the issues ahead.

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Someone else corrected this later on - it's not 16 hours and then gets benefits - the UC top up goes on income - not the number of hours worked.

fail to see how someone who is in work - is feckless. The house can be sold when the step daughter turns 18.

No idea why a post about someone's son wanting to go to uni needs to turn into a benefit bashing thread

Stop chipping at people and name calling them

Roobarbtwo · 21/12/2025 22:03

arethereanyleftatall · 21/12/2025 21:28

Literally…what on earth are you talking about?!? You’re just making stuff up which has absolutely zero relevance to the thread.

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Exactly this. Some people do work part time - but it can be for lots of reasons. The 16 hour rule doesn't apply these days with UC. If someone gets a top up it's because their wages are low - nothing to do with 16 hours or being able to work 16 hours and still get benefits.

People do make it up as they go along on here - and it's always the most negative benefit bashing scenario

ByWisePanda · 21/12/2025 22:12

Psychologymam · 21/12/2025 19:18

she can’t ask her husband to continue for her son, is she isn’t willing to contribute to his daughter. Either they keep finances completely separate or it’s equal. Of course the girl’s mother should be contributing but there’s no point giving advice that the OP can’t actually act upon. You might as well tell her to win the lotto.

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Ops husband will have to continue paying half the mortgage and bills until his ex wife sells the property. He can't stop paying when his daughter turns 18 he has a financial interest. His ex wife knows she doesn't have to work full time. He has no choice but to pay his share of the property. If I was the op I would encourage her dsd and her son to get jobs and save for university. She could have a gap year and save.

butternut123 · 21/12/2025 22:17

If she’s starting uni soon, she’s almost 18 so your DH will also stop paying the bills for Ex? Hopefully that helps free up some cash

ByWisePanda · 21/12/2025 22:20

Roobarbtwo · 21/12/2025 22:03

Exactly this. Some people do work part time - but it can be for lots of reasons. The 16 hour rule doesn't apply these days with UC. If someone gets a top up it's because their wages are low - nothing to do with 16 hours or being able to work 16 hours and still get benefits.

People do make it up as they go along on here - and it's always the most negative benefit bashing scenario

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Proudly tells the op she works part-time and claims benefits it's in her first post. What it's about is how dare I mention it. The op believes payments to his wife will stop when his daughter turns 18. He has a financial interest in the property the payments won't stop. I am hoping for the ops sake his ex wife sells the property quickly. His ex will have no choice but to work more hours depending on whether she rents or buys.

Roobarbtwo · 21/12/2025 22:26

ByWisePanda · 21/12/2025 22:20

Proudly tells the op she works part-time and claims benefits it's in her first post. What it's about is how dare I mention it. The op believes payments to his wife will stop when his daughter turns 18. He has a financial interest in the property the payments won't stop. I am hoping for the ops sake his ex wife sells the property quickly. His ex will have no choice but to work more hours depending on whether she rents or buys.

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No she won't. Perfectly possible to rent on a part time wage with a UC top up

His payments can stop when she turns 18 and the house can be sold at that point. The point was the 16 hours - someone else said that's wrong and it is. The top up doesn't go on hours worked - it goes on wages earned