Cost of stepdaughter going to uni will stop my son being able to do the same

[Exhaustedbird1]

Just after some views on this please as not sure where to stand my ground and how to make this fair.

For context so no drip feed : Married, have one DS and one DSD. DSD is one year older than DS.
DSD came into my life 5 years ago, I dont have any involvement in raising her (DH has her weekends at his PIL house as we have a tiny house and no space apart from a sofa bed (my house when we met and we cant buy bigger as DH still paying for his exW house until DSD turns 18, live an 1.5 hours away so she gets bored at ours and can't see friends / do hobbies over the weekends if she was at ours so it just works best).

DSD has her heart set on going to uni - I fully support her in her decision as I want her to live her life and follow her dreams. DSD mum says she can't afford to assist with funding DSD at uni (she is low income through choice, works 16 hours a week to get full benefits (those who'll comment how do you know; she proudly told me and said she couldnt imagine having work full time like I do) as DH still pays for half the house and some of the bills under the divorce agreement until DSD turns 18). Our joint income whilst not huge means that me and my DH are likely to have to fund quite a lot of her uni costs. I dont begrudge her this as I love her and want her to succeed in life but here's the kicker....
My son also has his heart set on uni and is a smart kid and needs a degree for what he wants to do in a career. By myself and my DH funding my DSD through uni means there's no way we can afford for my son to go.
To not drip feed, my DS's dad died when he was very young so no financial input from that direction.
My DSD will go to uni, her heart is set and both her parents and I want her to go but where does this leave my DS? I cant save up enough to cover his costs from my income and it just seems so unfair his life choices will be limited by me funding a child who is not biologically mine. I want the best for them both.
How do I make this fair?

The money she gets will be enough but you will have to help out your son. He may get enough to cover the rent but then you may have to help with shopping and bills. Will he be getting a little job as well?

My mortgage is a quarter of the child maintenance I get. The op hasn’t detailed if he has also paying child maintenance to the parent who has done all the parenting.

First year of DSD loan will be based off her mothers earnings the previous year (where she resided) so would get full maintenance loan and can top up rest by working.

OP could have read the student loan funding pages and the absolutely oodles of articles and posts about how it works before catastrophising.

Why can't her mother work more hours so she can contribute. Op should not be tolerating a ponce.

totally agree with this, work out what you can afford and split it.

If she gets a student loan, works etc and your ds does the same, it shouldn't cost that much to you. You should in no way differentiate between your children if you want your marriage to last and no resentment in the family.
It sounds to me like you resent dh helping for her and want to buy a bigger house instead and you are dressing it up. I had a step mum like that behaving in exactly the same way when I went to uni. Not projecting or anything but they divorced. She then tried to clear out my dad. I finished uni anyway by working on the weekends.

What is wrong with you? Why would you disadvantage your own child for someone you met 5 years ago??
you save for YOUR CHILD and sorts his own out.

Is there some reason your children cannot get jobs and start saving for University? My DC had college funds since they were 10. Relatives paid in instead of buying birthday and Christmas presents. They also saved babysitting abd odd job money.

They both worked between finishing school and starting university - three months - and that, combined with work during the University vacations, and the minimum maintenance grants kept them going.

One worked during term time but that is university and course dependent.

she can’t ask her husband to continue for her son, is she isn’t willing to contribute to his daughter. Either they keep finances completely separate or it’s equal. Of course the girl’s mother should be contributing but there’s no point giving advice that the OP can’t actually act upon. You might as well tell her to win the lotto.

I would NEVER make my child go without to find someone else’s child. This is horrendous. YOU need to pay for your son, her parents pay for her.

Why are you funding your DSDs university, she has 2 parents to do that, if they can't afford it that would be unfortunate 🤷‍♀️ hell would freeze before I'd pay for someone else's child over my own. If I were your son I'd never forgive this tbh.

If your parents are wealthier then you won’t get a full loan. The parents are supposed to top it up because they have more than the minimum coming in. I had to give up uni first time round, back in the 80s, because student part time jobs weren’t a thing in Durham back then (mainly privileged students from the south, high local unemployment). My parents were well off but like you didn’t believe they were responsible for me, so didn’t top up my grant (no loans then)

I would put my own child first. Different if SD lived with you most of the time & didn't have another parent but she does. Her two parents are responsible for her. Your son only has you, he must come before SD. He has no other parent to support him financially or otherwise.

I've just finished a degree online with the open university. Some of the people I did a degree with work and others don't but most got a tuition fee loan, some self fund - you only get a maintenance loan at this university if you have disabilities that mean you can't go to a brick uni

I'm in Scotland so the fees are lower and my degree was fully funded because I'm on a low income but if you are in England which I'm not assuming you are it could be possible for your son to do an online degree, get a tuition fee loan and work around it. Fees in England are currently just below 4k for a 60 credit module.

Cheaper in Wales, Scotland and NI

It sounds as if, if you were unpartnered or not living with your partner, then your son would be eligible for financial help to go to college (loans etc) and you would be able to use your spare income for him. Now, because you are living with your partner, your spare income will go to HER college funding, AND your son will not be eligible for financial help because your income combined with your partner's income will appear to be too high. So being with your partner is actually costing your son a college education. Why is this ok with you? You seem awfully passive about it: ooohhh nooo, my son can't go to college, what shall I do? What you do is decide not to put up with it and change the situation.

I really feel sorry for your son. You seem to think whether or not he goes to university is your decision and not his!

if you are not willing or able to help him financially he can get loans and work part time.

@Exhaustedbird1 you don’t give all your spare income to one child and not the other. Neither do you give them both the same amount. You calculate how much they will both be able to get on loan schemes, then you share your spare income so they both have the SAME AMOUNT TO SELF FUND. This means one may receive more than the other but both will be receiving an equal education, and both will have to supplement equally with their own jobs.

There is no reason why your son cannot go to uni. It's possible for people from quite poor homes with the help of student loans - and you work, can give him a few bob here and there.

Your joint income and your husband's outgoings will be taken into consideration when your son applies. Others do it, why not him? Anyway it is obviously not immediately imminent and your son may take a gap year which makes an even longer time before he goes. A lot can change in that period too.

Don't worry in advance, it will work out.

I have a low income and my daughter gets a full loan, she also investigated possible Scholarships and Bursaries and this helped inform the Universities she looked at.
It was made clear at one finance talk that students can choose if their parents have split which residence to use as their “primary residence” the only one that is considered
So your DSD should use her mother for this. (I would also recommend your son using his father if he has a lower household income and is willing to give a financial declaration.)

Her son's father is dead.

No, @WhereYouLeftIt doesn't need to RTFT, you misunderstood their comment entirely. @WhereYouLeftIt was clearly saying that the OP's DH should move full-time to his parents, in order to remove himself from OP's household finances.

You shouldn't fund her and your partner shouldn't fund your son that is up to the each child's parent/s

It seems OP's income is low, her DH's is high (er) which means DS won't receive the loan he otherwise would. dh either has to guarantee to make up the loan difference or move out.

It's your house, not even a shared one, DS is losing out on all aspects and gaining nothing!

does your oartner pay 50% of all costs for living in your house? Does he pay half of your mortgage ( if mortgage free does he pay tune same to you as the house he owns with his ex) and half of all bills.

if he pays 50% of all costs to you, then it is up to him what he does with his surplus.

you are only responsible for your own child, so should not be paying for your partner’s child at all. She has two biological parents to fund her.

your oartner had already one broken marriage, of or when he leaves you, and your son has no degree level job as you chose to subsidise his partner and daughter how will that leave your relationship?

each parent funds own child. Each adult sharing a house pay 50% of all costs.

You’ve still got 2 years before DSD is 18, a lot can happen in that time and minds can be changed on what they want to do education wise. I don’t know anyone who upsizes housing when the DCs go to university, it’s the other way around.