DD able to but didn't try for Oxford : slap me

[DrumSenseintoMe]

So, I feel sad and a little bit of failure because DD didn't want to try for Oxford.
Now I can see her there it's charming and beautiful and cosy within each college but also connected to a whole . So you get the best of all worlds.
It's very close to where we live about 30 miles away !
She didn't want to go far . She looked at Durham but feels it's too far.
It's much much cheaper than anywhere else for accommodation by a very long shot , 3 / 4 grand cheaper . On the open days students told us of endless travel grants etc . There are so many opportunities.
Everything is massively subsidized.
I can't help but feel to do so well at school for all these years and work so hard and get predicted three a stars and win subject prizes and not even try, is sad.

What put her off was the talk of 5 week burn out and she said she couldn't cope with an essay a week.
The students we spoke to said it's a thing and a myth and they do stuff on week 5 to cheer people up !

I'm being stupid I know I am. Its just so close ,so cheap so romanticised, so many amazing oppsritnies with the choirs ,drama ,travel grants money chucked at them ,beautlful stunning grounds ,characterful accommodation and interesting international students.

Of course I want her to be happy and enjoy her time but I do think she would have enjoyed it.

Talk sense into me. Btw I've 100 per cent backed her choice talked it up and I genuinely like it and have not let her know my secret disappointment.

Do you mean the Bullingdon? I assure you Cambridge has its equivalents. My traditional and historically ultra-posh Oxford college is/was twinned with a Cambridge one — exchange dinner suggested no lack of the same type of student..

DB 35 years ago turned down Oxford too, he didn’t think he’d fit in and went to Manchester, made a great career for himself )medic), never been bothered about Oxford. My dad however was like you ! I’d say talk to them and see why they don’t want to go and what benefits the other universities would have for your child

But almost certainly in/near the city centre, relatively affordable and easy to arrange.

I find the comments about pastoral/mental health support interesting. Colleges have been paying a lot more attention to this recently. That's presumably a good thing, and therefore they think it is a good thing to talk about at Open Days. It hadn't really occurred to me that it might give a bad impression. Of course, it may just be a case of one particular speaker/tour guide overdoing it a bit!

Well apart from meeting the definition of close in terms of distance from Carfax, I'd argue that my accommodation well up the Cowley road was not close to city centre. Nor was it in any way easy to arrange the second year house share.

Not all colleges have the same situation

It's true that not all colleges have the same situation. But "well up Cowley Rd" probably still isn't that far compared to the distances involved at some other Universities.

But also, I think the affordability gap between universities has increased significantly in recent years. In my day (as a student) I don't remember it being particularly cheaper to be at Oxford than other universities. These days I think it generally is. I'm guessing your experience may not be all that recent.

It's true that not all colleges have the same situation. But "well up Cowley Rd" probably still isn't that far compared to the distances involved at some other Universities.

But also, I think the affordability gap between universities has increased significantly in recent years. In my day (as a student) I don't remember it being particularly cheaper to be at Oxford than other universities. These days I think it generally is. I'm guessing your experience may not be all that recent.

Cambridge was much cheaper - my room was £200 a term (around £1300 a year in todays money according to BoE inflation calculator), I did opt for one of cheapest rooms but still even the most expensive where relatively cheap. LSE was £80 to £100 a week. 90s.

I found Cambridge considerably less posh than Oxford (went there for Mids comp as the first person to ever go) but there's a lot more state school at both these days and don't know how much difference there now is. Not like my day when 25% of my college came from one London boys school. It may have been the courses as well, it maybe Economics has a higher state school intake than PPE. I went into Pitt Club once though I think were I went as a guest is was sold to pizza express.

I would let your DD chose though and go where she is happy to go. It doesn't necessarily mean Oxford would have been wrong for her, there can be more than one path in life and she needs to go down the one she wants.

But no longer the top University in the UK, that accolade went to Durham

@MaybeIf I agree few actually do get damages but you cannot ignore the huge amount of publicity about MH. I agree students don’t engage. However the bad publicity is relentless and universities have had to deal with this. Parents have demanded far more services.

Personally I think it’s a huge diversion of finances. However it’s not going to change but it’s very expensive to keep dealing with these issues and countering the bad publicity. There’s no denying it’s there and Bristol is one of msny where student suicides have taken place. The universities then mention services to parents although some would look for such info and not expect it at a general info session.

Oxbridge has always had students with fragile mh. Usually they left. I know several who did this. They had ludicrously high standards and anxiety about not being perfect. The universities just suggested they leave. Not now. Few with mh issues seem to delay starting either. Mn is full of dc with poor mh starting university far away from home. So if dc are setting out on a degree knowing they need services, parents look for them. Others will be told about them loud and clear. Universities are scared and are trying to stop litigation and bad publicity because they are always blamed, and it costs money.

Only in The Times' league table is Durhan in first position.

Honestly if an essay a week sounds like too much work, I'd be really questioning whether university is the right destination.

Ha ha. My students lose their mind at 3 essays and a poster presentation in a year. Obviously not Oxford

I’m an academic, and I think you’re exaggerating the extent to which ‘parents’ demands’ lead anything. Universities are not nurseries. Our engagement is with the (usually young) adult who is studying, not their parents.

The case at Bristol rested on the fact that the university was considered not to have made sufficient adaptation to their assessment methods for a student with chronic anxiety — so the parents success was in bringing a case alleging discrimination against a disabled student under the Equalities Act. It gave a precedent for when and to what extent universities should adapt their assessments for disabled students.

But, for students without a disability, If anything, it probably strengthened universities’ position as regards their ‘duty of care’, because this case did not set out a general statutory duty of care for non-disabled students which would have allowed Natasha Abrahart’s parents to allege negligence.

Meh. Let her apply where she likes op. The chances of her getting into either are low (I think around 20% average, obviously depends on the course) even if she’s brilliant - my Dd went through several interviews last yr at Oxford and did really well in the entrance test and still didn’t get an offer, along side several of her friends. So none of it is guaranteed anyway. If she isn’t interested there is no point putting her through a tough application process in a key term in year 13 for nothing.

@MaybeIf I accept what you say but the media doesn’t present it like this. No organisation likes bad publicity. Parents continually blame universities for all sorts of things. I don’t believe they should do half of what’s now required because the students seem to have little responsibility and “reaching potential” is the goal instead of evaluating what’s safe.

Gosh, really? I have been to two universities, and an essay a week was completely normal at both.

One essay a week is not a significant burden and if a young person can’t manage that, it would be cruel to encourage him or her to apply to that university.

Consider also the far heavier workload on the sciences side, where students have a huge amount of organised time - think a 9-5pm job - and supervision work on top. That’s heavy going and breaks many young people who, having probably nailed four A stars at A level in very difficult abstract subjects, might prefer to take their feet off the gas. There is no option to relax academically. It is very tough.

My DD was encouraged by her college to consider Oxbridge. We had a look around and she thought about it but decided it wasn't for her.
One of her close friends is now at Oxford and enjoying it. But if anything it's made DD even more confident she's made the right choice for herself.
Tbh I think she would have coped just fine with the work ethic but I think she would have hated the culture.

DD2 interviewed at Cambridge, but decided it wasn't for her. She ended up at KCL, got a 1st, loved being in London, made lifelong friends , and has a good and satisfying career.

Was I disappointed? Of course, butbit wasn't my life, it was hers and she made the right decision for her

I understand the BIRG concept. I dreamed of going to a prestigious university for myself and the history and romanticism of somewhere like Oxford was always in my head . There was no way I could have achieved it as while clever was too unfocused as a teenager to navigate my way .

So I did have dreams for my DCs . Not so much pushy but wanted them to achieve the greatness I thought they deserved. But that was when I thought they were the most PB ( most precious babies ) in the world .

The reality is that they were average if not mediocre students . Went their own way , have normal jobs and living their lives on their own terms . And I am happy and content.

…..And they will be too….

My DD1 went for interview at Oxford (it was a two or three day process back then), had realised by halfway through that it wouldn't be for her. She left without completing the interviews and came straight home.

She went to Warwick instead, loved it, came away with a first and haa a great career now. No regrets from either her or from me at all and it certainly hasn't held her back.

My other DD went to Cambridge and enjoyed it.

Oxbridge isn't everyone's bag. All are different. When I was still at school (far too long ago) one teacher suggested I should apply to Oxbridge. I wasn't keen at all and didn't believe I would get the grades so didn't apply. I knew it wasn't for me. I was academic but not that academic and knew I would be happier and more comfortable elsewhere.

I can't believe that you visited fifteen colleges, @DrumSenseintoMe ! Why so many?
That's madness when she's not even that bothered. We visited two.

We managed to pack in 6 on an open day. I thought that was a magnificent effort. Still didn’t fall in love with it though