DD able to but didn't try for Oxford : slap me

[DrumSenseintoMe]

So, I feel sad and a little bit of failure because DD didn't want to try for Oxford.
Now I can see her there it's charming and beautiful and cosy within each college but also connected to a whole . So you get the best of all worlds.
It's very close to where we live about 30 miles away !
She didn't want to go far . She looked at Durham but feels it's too far.
It's much much cheaper than anywhere else for accommodation by a very long shot , 3 / 4 grand cheaper . On the open days students told us of endless travel grants etc . There are so many opportunities.
Everything is massively subsidized.
I can't help but feel to do so well at school for all these years and work so hard and get predicted three a stars and win subject prizes and not even try, is sad.

What put her off was the talk of 5 week burn out and she said she couldn't cope with an essay a week.
The students we spoke to said it's a thing and a myth and they do stuff on week 5 to cheer people up !

I'm being stupid I know I am. Its just so close ,so cheap so romanticised, so many amazing oppsritnies with the choirs ,drama ,travel grants money chucked at them ,beautlful stunning grounds ,characterful accommodation and interesting international students.

Of course I want her to be happy and enjoy her time but I do think she would have enjoyed it.

Talk sense into me. Btw I've 100 per cent backed her choice talked it up and I genuinely like it and have not let her know my secret disappointment.

Support her choices.
If she wants she can do a masters at oxbridge later
It s her life not yours by extension

When DC are 16/7, we need to be guiding and advising, recognising that it's the DC who will be spending 3+ years in a place, not us. My nephew was strongly encouraged to apply to Oxbridge by his school but he felt he would have been out of place socially (wrong). He loves his chosen uni city so much he is going back there to live and work after a period in Australia. DD applied to Oxford because lots of her fellow pupils were applying and she had a little insight from visits we had made with friends. She loves it and is staying on for at least a year now she has graduated.

Good for your daughter for forging her own path, and good for you for being ambitious for her.

@TizerorFizz we went to the open days I'm not assuming anything I'm going on facts they told us

@cestlavielife I don't need responses like this I've made it crystal clear that I am

@DrumSenseintoMe Any reason you didn't encourage her to apply?

@DrumSenseintoMe They are selective “facts”. Travel is not on offer to the vast majority. There are no halls for all 3 years in all colleges. As dd doesn’t want to go, why care so much? It’s all pretty pointless. She didn’t want to have a go but you don’t need to be disappointed in yourself or her. You are cherry-picking the best bits available to some and ignoring reality. Most dc just apply if it suits them. Your dd knows her own mind and it doesn’t. She’s got opportunities elsewhere and can get a good job if she’s determined to.

OP - wrt the expense - once my Dc arrived at their RG Uni they were given a bursary that we did not know existed and did not have to apply for - it was based in A level results and my low income. OK, £1.500 per annum, but every little helps!

I will admit that I would have liked to have been able to say 'Cambridge' in a casual tone when asked where Dc was at Uni...but I am so proud now of their achievements! (just graduated)

Blame Oxford then we have been to about 15 colleges and the vast majority have rooms for 3 years.

Yes not every single student can get travel stuff but again all those showing us around had some sort of travel funded through the choir or some ex student who wanted to pay for people to go his home country and lots telling us if you can find a reason to go to blah to look at something they will fund it

@XelaM

We took her on the tours showed her the entrance exam ,she knows from the talks about it. She did her own research and was put off by the 5 week burn out.

She has not considered finances however and looking at some other threads about parent contribution I doubt we will be able to top her up by much at all.

It just seems odd to me (but maybe because my parents were overly invested in my uni applications) that you are putting such a strong case forward for Oxford but didn't convince your daughter to just have a go at the entrance exam. The mythical "5 week burnout" seems like quite a weak argument and who is to say there is no possibility of burnout at another RG uni?

@DrumSenseintoMe don't worry, you are right about this. Most Colleges do offer accommodation for all three/four years and in many cases it will be relatively cheap, largely because you don't have to pay for the whole year. But it does vary. Also some Colleges (not all) do have grants available to all students to pay for books, equipment and travel. On the whole it is a relatively cheap place to study even though the city itself is not a cheap place to live. But it does vary by College I'm afraid.

I am a Fellow of one of the Colleges and have been for over 20 years. I was also a student there and have had various affiliations with various Colleges going back to 1990!

Just out of interest for those in the know, but is the cheap uni accommodation the same for Cambridge?

But also, 'offering accommodation' hides a multitude of sins. It certainly isn't synonymous with having a room in college for all three years.

Not read it all, but I think you are trying to live your dreams through your daughter. My friends child went to Oxford, absolutely hated it and dropped out. Completed a degree from another university, was much happier, and now has a good job. It's not the be all and end all.

And as against this anecdote, thousands graduate every year who have managed to keep up and have had an incredibly rewarding three or four years, generally with the odd blip caused by deadline stress or relationship or health issues. These aren't unique to Oxford. My own DC had a few blips here and there but every one of them looks back with extremely fond memories of their time at Oxford. And while not all have opted for high paying careers, they've certainly been enormously advantaged by their education, both in terms of how it taught them to think, as well as in terms of having a pretty wide open choice of careers on graduation.

Be careful what you wish for my friends parents pushed they went gated it and ended up taking their own life because parents worried about what people would think.

@Sevillian

" But also, 'offering accommodation' hides a multitude of sins. It certainly isn't synonymous with having a room in college for all three years. "

Haha, indeed. A mate's dc 3rd year (I think) college accommodation was a modern block above Tesco Express

@XelaM it's also. Oxford website there is a table to compare costs of each college.

@Skybluepinky totally understand which is certainly why I've not pushed it has to be her decision
The deadline has passed now for the test

That's fine. But Op's daughter doesn't want to. And posters are saying that's ok, it's not the be all or end all. While Oxbridge can be the making of some for others, it also comes with a whole host of challenges that are deeply embedded in its culture.

And that was probably a good option! My college had some gloriously picturesque but freezing single-glazed rooms with one 19thc loo and dribble shower between ten.

Sure. It's only that when there's an implied generalization from one particular, it's sometimes useful to cite a contrary particular.

You went to 15 Oxford colleges??

Its quite likely that she wouldn’t be accepted even if she did apply so the OP might be better off with her not applying so she can lament the lost opportunity

It's not so much generalisation it's people's thoughts and experiences regarding Oxbridge in particular, which this thread is about. It is a unique place to study with a pretty idiosyncratic culture - that's ok to comment on.

If your child is happy there that's brilliant but the environment brings with it very particular issues that can cut very deep precisely because it is such an elite institution (or institutions of course) with deeply ingrained hierarchies and not very transparent. Some will prefer this and some will crumble - especially if they feel they can't keep up but are actually extremely intelligent. It's an interesting topic.