DD able to but didn't try for Oxford : slap me

[DrumSenseintoMe]

So, I feel sad and a little bit of failure because DD didn't want to try for Oxford.
Now I can see her there it's charming and beautiful and cosy within each college but also connected to a whole . So you get the best of all worlds.
It's very close to where we live about 30 miles away !
She didn't want to go far . She looked at Durham but feels it's too far.
It's much much cheaper than anywhere else for accommodation by a very long shot , 3 / 4 grand cheaper . On the open days students told us of endless travel grants etc . There are so many opportunities.
Everything is massively subsidized.
I can't help but feel to do so well at school for all these years and work so hard and get predicted three a stars and win subject prizes and not even try, is sad.

What put her off was the talk of 5 week burn out and she said she couldn't cope with an essay a week.
The students we spoke to said it's a thing and a myth and they do stuff on week 5 to cheer people up !

I'm being stupid I know I am. Its just so close ,so cheap so romanticised, so many amazing oppsritnies with the choirs ,drama ,travel grants money chucked at them ,beautlful stunning grounds ,characterful accommodation and interesting international students.

Of course I want her to be happy and enjoy her time but I do think she would have enjoyed it.

Talk sense into me. Btw I've 100 per cent backed her choice talked it up and I genuinely like it and have not let her know my secret disappointment.

I know! We are looking at 9k a year for both halls and private rent where she is going. Im a single parent on minimum loan with minimal (think £25 a week) maintenance from their dad.

she has been saving from her weekend job and is taking a year out to earn some more. Hopefully her weekend job will also do a transfer to uni town for term time. They do allow it as long as there are vacancies.

she fell in love with where she is going and anywhere else wasn’t really an option.

Before you get carried away with the cheap accommodation thing, when I was at my (very grand) college, it was notorious for huge disparities in accommodation offered — some staircases didn’t have showers, for instance. One of the first things I remember was seeing people walking across a corner of the quad in their dressing gowns to have a shower in another staircase.

I’m assuming this has been rectified now, though the problem with dealing with exquisite ancient architecture where literally everything is listed is that it’s difficult to make alterations. But, if you’re low down in the room ballot, you might have a tiny, rather dark room, and one of your fruends sharing a glorious 18thc ‘set’ with a shared living room and separate bedrooms and original panelling.

It varies from college to college, but some of them have enormous financial resources.

Sorry if I missed it OP but I can’t see you’ve even said what her predicted/achieved grades are?

You need to let it go, mostly because your DD doesn’t want to go, but also you’re acting like she would be guaranteed a place if she applied. Perhaps that’s also a factor of why she doesn’t/didn’t want to apply, she didn’t want all the pressure from you and to possibly have to cope with your reaction had she been rejected.

Why do you think the school didn’t approach her about applying or joining the trip they were apparently keen to get more people on?

I was a post-grad at Oxbridge and my DB was an undergrad. I am so glad I didn't go as an undergrad. It is such a hothouse and full of people saying how little work they are doing and what a fun time they are having and still getting top grades. I went to a Scottish university where most of my friends lived at home or lived in flats and had a normal adult life outside our studies.

Your disappointment is misplaced; she didn’t want to go. In the same way she didn’t want to do English lit A level, it is her choice.

Her talent, self-awareness and clear thinking will help her rise up wherever she goes. Oxbridge does offer advantages in some ways - but there is no guarantee she would have got an offer, and it sounds like she would not have enjoyed the pressure and intensity. I read History and in our first term three essays per fortnight - more than one per week. The workload was immense and then on top you’re struggling with Freshers week, making friends, joining clubs, I caught flu and was very poorly… there is no concession for the fact you’re away from home for the first time - you’re expected to get on with it.

And you can’t work in time time and often really don’t have time for a job in vacation due to reading requirements - the short terms take into account the fact you often spend holidays studying privately. So the subsidies are to offset the inability to earn money alongside your degree.

There is no perfect university experience, so don’t stress.

However her mental health is the most important thing she puts a lot of pressure on herself.

She's got quite studious friends at school so maybe at a less accadnic uni she will learn to take her foot off the gas more .

My daughter interviewed for Cambridge and didn't get in. Which in hindsight I am SO relieved about. She has perfectionist tendencies and anxiety, which we hadn't yet realised at the time. I think it would have broken her, especially as she'd not have slotted in to the social set easily as we're a very ordinary family.

My DD was encouraged by her school to apply for Cambridge. She chose not to as she felt she wouldn’t fit in there. (Her eventual grades would have been enough for Oxbridge not that that is a guarantee of getting in). She has gone to Bristol-in week 2 now-and tbh is worried she doesn’t fit in there either-she says everyone she has met went to private school or has a net worth of about 4 million quid. She is very bright, and very sociable but the culture of Cambridge wouldn’t have been right for her-she is wobbly about Bristol as it is! (Hopefully she will come right-and it’s just second week wobbles). Oxbridge isn’t for everyone. And in fact of the two kids I’ve known that have been there lately, one has ended up with terrible MH issues having found it too pressurised , and the other has tbh become slightly unbearable-total personality change. If your DD recognises that it wouldn’t be for her I’d be proud of her for being so self aware-and I’d back her to be happy with her eventual choice of where to go.

You absolutely aren't guaranteed accomodation 3 years. My college just didn't have the option, just not enough room. It's better than it was now but not a guarantee.
DH also had to find alternative accomodation for 4th year, after 3rd year in an annexe way out of centre, not really in college at all.

The accommodation factor really isn't a reason to choose Oxford.

This. Mine owned vast amounts of land, apart from anything else.

Most people who apply don't get an interview. Most who get an interview don't get an offer. Some who get an offer don't get the grades.

Every year kids with straight A* predictions get turned away, so you're feeling sad about her missing out on an opportunity she probably wouldn't have had anyway. It's not just there for the taking!

I studied at Cambridge and both dd and I always imagined that she would apply as well. She is cleverer than I am, imo, and i think she would have stood a good chance at getting in - she had the perfect grades and the interview process would have played to all of her strengths.

In the end, though, she decided not to apply because she didn't like their medicine course. I was a bit disappointed at the time, if I'm honest, but actually her logic made perfect sense and I could see the course that she did pick would be much more suited to her. And I actually admired that she prioritised what she felt was right for her over and above what other people might think was the most "prestigious" option.

A few of years on, and I think she absolutely made the right decision. Oxbridge offers a unique and wonderful experience, but it isn't the only unique and wonderful experience on offer. Good for your dd for knowing what she wants and not being sucked in by the brand.

The uni you chose sounds great. Don't suppose you'd mind saying which it is?

Rich alumni.

It’s not the right environment for everyone! I could have applied (I went to med school, and the requirements for the med school I got into were the same as Oxbridge), but I wanted to be somewhere buzzier, and with more going on than just studies.

So I went to med school in London, had a great time, met DH, made loads of friends, joined loads of societies, and still live in London to this day. And obviously still graduated well, very academic career. Oxbridge wouldn’t have given me the same experience or career.

DBro went and it was great for him, but we are very different personalities. He likes being a big fish in a small pond and works best when he feels supported, I like being a small fish in a big pond and work best when I feel thrown in.

This.

Usually from a few hundred years ago eg the basis of St John's wealth is land that it has owned for hundreds of years, that became very valuable in the 20th century, plus some good investment management since. Fundraising from recent almuni has been relatively insignficant.

Maybe she wants to go further away for a reason? That’s part of the university experience too.

When I was at Oxford, we wrote two essays a week. One term I ended up writing five essays each fortnight, that was quite intense. And I’ve never even heard of fifth week burnout, so not sure that’s a thing.

But that's your dream not hers! Just be grateful she clever and that she'll be happy in the uni she's chosen.

My daughter applied and but didn’t get in after interview stage. She is now at another university with a course that has a placement year. She is so pleased she didn’t get in. She loves where she is and the placement years has given her so many opportunities. Her friend is at Oxford and hates it. She is sticking it out but it’s not for her. She says her tutors are sexist and put the girls down. The other students in her course are mainly boys and just as bad. It sounds awful (admittedly just one course and college that we know about). She’s also hardly ever there as the terms are so short and intense!

Oxbridge isn’t the be all and end all. Your daughter sounds very sensible.

Correct.

Oxbridge can be the right place for some. But it's very traditional, not just in that romanticised, quaint historical setting sense, but in terms of its hierarchical and elitist history and culture. The prestige and exclusivity of Oxford and Cambridge create a psychological pressure on students.

This can put young and talented students in a vulnerable, for example, if they end up with a young tutor who is biased and unprofessional. Some tutors are dismissive, overly critical, enjoy their power a bit too much or simply uninterested as they don't enjoy teaching, which can feel very intimidating for young people who are supposedly having to be grateful to be at the top university. Due to the structure of the colleges, there is a lack of transparency and accountability. And a sense that the institution/brand is more valued than the people studying there. There are lots of issues.

LOL

I had one of these: clever high achieving, the ‘surely Oxbridge?’ talk at parents evening.

Went to the open day and the recoil was total:
”why do they keep going on about pastoral support and MH unless they intend to drive you mad?”
A crass comment by our tour guide about the staff who clean their rooms, a nickname for them: “those would be my friends mums if we lived here”
The cultural and social events advertised in the colleges and town were not at all attractive to my urban musician Dc
The structure of the NatSci degree: it either appeals and suits or it doesn’t
Unfortunately a friend visited a sister at a college party and was subjected to a horrendous racist prank. It put off most of the top set high achievers in that friendship group.

”I just don’t want to live like that”

Dc went to a well respected RG uni, did a Masters with year in industry which was a great experience in research in a commercial setting, and walked into the research job of their dreams the day after graduating.

A million years ago my A level teachers expected me to apply to Cambridge. One of my A level teachers was very keen for me to apply to the same Cambridge college as he had attended. Another of my A level teachers waxed lyrical about the quality of my essays. All the same, I just did not want to apply. The idea of doing the exams in the fourth term of the sixth form really put me off. I have no idea whether I would have got in or not and I know I would have found rejection at the age of 17 hard to cope with. In the end I got 3 grade As (there was no A*) and went to Durham because the city looked nice in the prospectus. I was fairly clueless about the relative merits of different universities (first in my family to go to university, comp educated).

Do I regret my decision? Not really. It is up to your daughter. Bear in mind that many with top grades don't get in. I hope she ends up in the right place,

@MindatWork

I'm also wondering about all this money sloshing around, and particularly the endless travel grants. And as pp have said, accommodation is not necessarily guaranteed for all years (bar the first year) and rooms can be very variable in size etc. Ditto the food!

Bursaries are available to students based on household income and/or certain other criteria, and also scholarships but these are pretty limited as are the external scholarships

Oxford bursaries and scholarships for 2026-entry | University of Oxford

External Scholarships | University of Oxford

@DrumSenseintoMeYou have assumed rather a lot! Why more expensive? Why did you think all accommodation was live in college for 3 years? Did you do any research? Yes, the poorest get grants and bursaries but they do at other universities too.

Why more travel opportunities? How? Yes it’s on your cv and Oxbridge grads always tell you they are just that. If you have drive and ambition you can earn well if you go to any good or elite university. Oxbridge grads don’t get all the good jobs and in some subjects, employment rates are less than spectacular. Doors are not opened very much at all with uni blind recruitment. Dc still need to push through the door to get a good job and plenty at Oxbridge grads aren’t that bothered about doing that. It’s their choice but others can get great jobs if they want it more.