DD able to but didn't try for Oxford : slap me

[DrumSenseintoMe]

So, I feel sad and a little bit of failure because DD didn't want to try for Oxford.
Now I can see her there it's charming and beautiful and cosy within each college but also connected to a whole . So you get the best of all worlds.
It's very close to where we live about 30 miles away !
She didn't want to go far . She looked at Durham but feels it's too far.
It's much much cheaper than anywhere else for accommodation by a very long shot , 3 / 4 grand cheaper . On the open days students told us of endless travel grants etc . There are so many opportunities.
Everything is massively subsidized.
I can't help but feel to do so well at school for all these years and work so hard and get predicted three a stars and win subject prizes and not even try, is sad.

What put her off was the talk of 5 week burn out and she said she couldn't cope with an essay a week.
The students we spoke to said it's a thing and a myth and they do stuff on week 5 to cheer people up !

I'm being stupid I know I am. Its just so close ,so cheap so romanticised, so many amazing oppsritnies with the choirs ,drama ,travel grants money chucked at them ,beautlful stunning grounds ,characterful accommodation and interesting international students.

Of course I want her to be happy and enjoy her time but I do think she would have enjoyed it.

Talk sense into me. Btw I've 100 per cent backed her choice talked it up and I genuinely like it and have not let her know my secret disappointment.

I was in the stream for Oxbridge at my school 30-odd years ago. I went on open days to colleges at both universities. I just could not imagine myself at either, they just weren't for me as I was convinced I would be like a fish out of water.
I went to a northern redbrick RG uni and lived every minute of it. I fell in love with the city the minute I got off the National Express coach on interview day and knew that was where I wanted to be.
The only thing I regret is not doing the entrance exam for Oxford as I would like to know if I would have got in or not.

I didn't apply for Oxbridge despite top grades at a very academic private school. Teachers were horrified when I went to art school. Eventually landed up at a good uni and got a professional job. Oxbridge wouldn't have been for me - academically yes, but culturally no.

3 A stars doesn’t mean she would necessarily br accepted at Oxford anyway.

DD3 was courted for Oxford, I think her head teacher probably cried when she said she wasnt interested, her results were the best the school had had for many years. Refused Durham too as she said (exact words) "It will just be full of bitter Oxbridge rejects" which I took her to task over, little snob.

She ended up somewhere that no one expected and she is loving it, excelling and I have no doubt will do well.

I was disappointed as actually I think that she would have fitted in very well at Oxbridge if she had chosen her college carefully, but its her life not mine.

This is exactly why DD didnt want to go. She really didnt feel that it suited her culturally, despite being top flight academically (and thanks to us being a low income single parent family was practically a shoe in as she ticked all the "we want to show we are not elite!" boxes!)

@GooseAndSandals I know .

But it's the ticket to try isn't it

Pressure is one thing but so is being saddled with 60 grand plus of debt no matter what Martin Lewis says
Blair capped uni fees at one grand and now look where we are.

Sometimes you have to get the spade out and dig to cruise later.

However her mental health is the most important thing she puts a lot of pressure on herself.
She's got quite studious friends at school so maybe at a less accadnic uni she will learn to take her foot off the gas more .

Without a doubt she needs to go out and enjoy life and I do think her choice will enable that more .

Oxford doesn't court students.

@SarahAndQuack i read courted as her school did ?

DS is in a similar position and is not sure it’s for him (he’s in year 12).

I feel like you but I’m proud of him. He thinks for himself and knows what he needs to be happy.

My ds was the same. Was put on the g and t prog and requested to apply for Oxbridge. He didn’t want to, but went to a good quality red brick and qualified with a high mark as a doctor. Those sorts of kids tend to find their own way, and it’s important they live for themselves and not the expectations and hopes of others.

@PyongyangKipperbang exactly its their life and their choices .

But as parents esp on the coat tails of the generation before when Oxford really was somerhings it's allowed to feel sad the dream is over.

I meant by the school. Her results were more than 3 a*'s

But so?
It's like parents saying they knew DD would get in because she had 3 A* grades. Yes, her and everyone else. If an applicant doesn't want to go, that is up to them.

Yes, exactly.

Your dream. Not hers. Don't be ridiculous .

@Timeforabitofpeace agree but I'm also disappointed her school didn't even approach her about it .

Her history teacher said one essay was brilliant and one of the best he had ever read. If he could have given her higher than 9 he would have done he said she's extremely talented and she got the highest marks out of 50 students for her summer exams.

The school even organised a trip when the Oxford tests happen !!
They seemed more keen to get numbers on the trip.

When DD19 was looking at unis, she dragged me to about 10 different open days. I am not sure that I would have made the same decision as her after seeing all of them but I’m not her. I think we have to accept we are all different.

One of her criteria was nothing too far south (we are NW) so Oxbridge was never on the cards. She’s doing Maths so I think it is very competitive. She has one friend who has taken a gap year then applied to Oxford successfully. I’m not surprised but then he got 4A*s.

I could have applied to Oxbridge in my time. I chose not to because I felt it was not me. I have never regretted that.

Remember that, even though she doesn’t want to be too far, she may also want to be independent and far enough away to be that whilst still able to go home when she wants. DD chose a place that wasn’t too far but equally means she’s not home every weekend during term time. 30 miles is quite close.

I personally would be really proud that you've raised a child who is able to self reflect and stand strong in her decisions and stay true to herself. She knows her limits and I think it's excellent that she prioritised her mental wellbeing over reputation. Your reasoning for wanting to go there honestly are quite superficial all in and if you're looking at your dds successes as validation or 'revenge' in a form for unsupportive family then that's a road straight to nowhere because at the end of the day how do you measure what success is? Its individual. Lots of people go to university having been at the top of everything in school and then really struggle with not being the smartest in the room, not being able to get through the work as easily, the intensity of it all and how different the teaching styles are. I don't think that oxbridge holds the same level of status that it used to - certainly reputation proceeds, but there are so many well recognised universities now and I think that employers now are valuing diversity more than before. I went to uni and really struggled having previously been top of everything. I got through it but not as successfully as I'd anticipated and counted that as a bit of a fail really. I was hugely intimidated by it all because I'd naively expected to find it as 'easy' as I did school. Since then I've done multiple degrees and masters and was much better equipped for it as a mature student and actually in a completely different field than I ever thought I'd work in. I'm very senior in my sector now. I think you need to relook at what you see as 'success' and remember that happiness and contentment in life is actual success and there are so many different roads to get there.

@SarahAndQuack ..but so as in you had mis read the post about who courted the child ?

It was the school .

@Lavender14 yes I agree.

I think it will do her good to relax and have more fun she definatly deserves it !!
Compared to what I got up to by 17 and 18 she's hardly been out !!

I hope no one 'courted' this child into applying - and I do feel sorry for her if that is what happened. It's horrible when either the parents, or the school, push a child who honestly doesn't want to be there. And it is so silly!

I really wanted my dd to go somewhere beautiful, safe and a bit nerdy- I suggested York, Durham, St Andrews etc. She is introverted and I thought these places would suit her. I also liked the idea of me swanning around on visits.

She was having absolutely none of it, and applied to the big student party cities, and is now very happy at Leeds.

We don't always know them as well as we think we do. It is a wonderful thing when a 17 year old knows their own mind, and tells us so.

Well school did, but I didnt.

Actually, from a financial pov I was dreading it as I would really struggle but I said I would support her if thats what she wanted.

But she didnt, and I supported that too. She didnt apply much to the disappointment of the school, I was so proud of her for knowing her own mind and not folding to their pressure.

@PyongyangKipperbang it's cheaper at Oxford they get more help ,accmd is only charged for the short time they are there ,there is so much money sloshing around to send them on travel for all sorts.
Food is heavily subsided.
My DD would have saved several thousand pounds a year by going