DD struggling during freshers

[poppy517]

Last Friday, DH and I dropped off DD at her dream uni. It is about a 9.5hr drive away so not close at all. DD is a sociable girl who has lovely friends from school who all move into uni in about a week and had been texting us updates of various events she had gone to, when she was spending time with her flatmates and how she had decorated her room. However, when she called a couple of days ago she broke down in tears saying that she isn't clicking with people beyond short conversations, wandering around freshers events alone and seeing freshers friend groups when she herself doesn't even have one friend. I told her it takes time and it has only been a week but she says she feels so lonely she feels a weight in her stomach and wishes she had never moved so far away. Has anyone else known anyone else in this situation as she is convinced she can't see anyone else feeling like this.

There is often a board games society. Maybe she could join that. They generally play different games.

Thank you for this. I will read it now. The Uni staff have been brilliant in their response and this (along with our DS being there for her) has really helped her to feel supported to stay. We were genuinely impressed. We are so proud of her resilience, although her anxiety sometimes practically paralyses her.

Tell your DC always be on the look out for people trying to spike their drinks. Never leave drinks unattended even soft drinks. Try to stay with a group and don't go off with a single person you don't know. I've told DS if he meets a girl to try to be in a public space like a pub or SU bar so the girl will feel safe with him. My DS is in a hall with 8 girl, he is the only boy on his floor and he said the girls keep fussing around him and are amazed he cooks with herbs and spices. 🤣

I wonder if the trouble with some of these unis is that actually...some of the people do know each other. The London private schools can empty out into Nottingham, Bristol, Exeter. Whole swathes of kids went to Loughborough and Brimingham from my daughter's school a few years ago and have basically recreated their social lives there. Its depressing and I do wonder if there is a reluctance to acknowledge this which can feel like gaslighting to a first year observing it.

I am also wondering where the OPs DC is.

There is nothing can be done about it apart from the advice given here though.

Tricky.

OP I absolutely hated Freshers week. I called my mum having panic attacks and wanting to come home practically every day for the first few weeks of uni (5 hours away). She persuaded me to give it to at least Christmas holidays and by the time that came around I was having the time of my life and didn't end up coming home until Christmas eve. Keep giving her things to stay until - first lectures, end of the month etc and more likely than not by the time they arrive things will be much better for her.
Sending lots of love, it was horrible for me and probably my mum too! Once I settled I had the best 3 years of my life and the people I met in halls in the first few weeks are still my close group of friends now, decades later. I would have never ever thought that would happen if you'd asked me during Freshers Week!

honestly uni is such a varied experience for everyone. I am an introvert and I was never a big drinker and being thrown into student life where you were expected to go clubbing and get drunk the whole time was really difficult for me. I struggled to make strong friendships but I met my boyfriend (who didn’t go to the uni) within the first couple of weeks.

so basically I got through tagging into various groups on the sidelines whilst seeing my boyfriend on the weekends. I had one and off friends throughout the 3 years and so pretty much always had someone or other to go out with even if not super close.

It was tough as you go from the security of close mates to feeling lonely and seeing everyone else make strong friendships. I think it’s more common than you think

but I got though ok and yeah I didn’t come out with any lifelong friends. Don’t stay in touch with any of them. But 25 years later I am still exceedingly close with my school friends… and still married to that boyfriend!

your daughter needs to persevere and just remember if she feels a bit outcast, I can assure you lots of others do too. I am sure one way or another she will make connections along the way.

My DD came home for about 18 hours over the weekend. Said she felt better then drive back and is fine again.
Ive said she can do whatever gets her through. If coming home to stroke the cat and give me a hug helps then so be it.
Talking of friendship groups, my daughter has a large (12) group of friends and they have only gone to 4 cities to university so to some extent they all have gone with friends but they are in different halls. They do seem to be making their own friends though. A large boy group of about 7 from her school all arranged to go to the same city to university though and had no interest in meeting new people.

My son went through exactly the same thing . I think the pressure to make friends and fit in instantly is huge. It all got better when he started to attend lectures and met others with shared interests. After couple of weeks he absolutely loved it and is still friends with all of his house mates years later .

A year ago I could have written the same post about DD18 but she stuck with it and over time made friends on her course and in her flat in halls. We did talk about needing to put her ‘big girl pants’ on a bit and putting herself out there by making the first move with folks and she did, to an extent. This year she’s moved into a flat with 3 friends she shared a flat with last year as they all get along so well.
our older DD (now 28) had a similar start but also managed to settle and make friends although it took her a bit longer and she had a few bumpy friendships before she got there.
Support and reassure her when you speak to her that most freshers will be feeling the same but she can get through this. Does she have any particular interests? Sometimes joining a club or group is a good way to connect with others. The other thing our younger DD found was that it was sometimes easier to approach a student on their own in the common room or laundry and make general chit chat to start.

I found the first week hard too. Once classes started and I met people with more similar interests and we shared the same stresses I had my people