DD struggling during freshers

[poppy517]

Last Friday, DH and I dropped off DD at her dream uni. It is about a 9.5hr drive away so not close at all. DD is a sociable girl who has lovely friends from school who all move into uni in about a week and had been texting us updates of various events she had gone to, when she was spending time with her flatmates and how she had decorated her room. However, when she called a couple of days ago she broke down in tears saying that she isn't clicking with people beyond short conversations, wandering around freshers events alone and seeing freshers friend groups when she herself doesn't even have one friend. I told her it takes time and it has only been a week but she says she feels so lonely she feels a weight in her stomach and wishes she had never moved so far away. Has anyone else known anyone else in this situation as she is convinced she can't see anyone else feeling like this.

This is what it’s like. I found freshers horrendous, couldn’t make friends for nearly a year really. But went back and the friends I made at uni are still my friends 30 years later.

making friends is hard - schools make it very easy in lots of ways but you have to do more at uni and you dont click after one conversation. If she’s sociable she’s got a good start - ask seminar groups for coffee afterwards or join different societies until she finds people.

friendships grow and are built. They’re not instant. I really feel for her but sometimes transitions are just really hard

I'm a lecturer if many years and I've had big strapping lads cry in my office because they're home sick! It does take time but yes, think it's better when classes start.

There will be societies to join and she will probably find her people on her course.

There will be support sessions available and she can chat to her personal tutor. It's very normal.

Poor you though. DS isn't at uni yet but I can imagine how hard it is with your child so far away.

Update! DD told me she's been inviting a couple of people she found friendly for a coffee and although she still does not have any "friends" yet it is progress. Her lectures started today (400 people on her course so quite a big cohort) which was quite daunting but is hoping to make more friends in the smaller seminars etc. Societies are a great shout and she told me she was going to try out choir as she is a lovely singer - I suggested a sport but she really is not very sporty! I'm very proud of her for perservering, it does sound quite lonely but she's not hiding in her room so am hoping things can only get better. Also apparently her uni has quite a large boarding school contingent who all seem to know of each other or have mutuals etc. Thank you all so so much for the advice and kind words it really is appreciated!

Also coming onto say join sports and societies. There is a huge range of sports at unis so she doesn't have to be typically sporty to try them. Things like rock climbing, kayaking or hill walking etc.

Would also suggest that she checks out the student union they have sabbatical officers and typically have a welfare or education officer who will be able to assist. We used to run a buddy system for freshers which her uni might also have.

She was me, 20 years ago. I hated freshers. I actually found 'my crowd' in term 2 and we are friends to this day.
Choir is a great shout. And she doesn't have to be super good at a sport to try something new - they will have loads of beginner groups in daft things she may never have tried before.
I feel for her, it is so hard and the 'confident kids' seem so intimidating.

Choir is a fantastic idea. They are always a sociable bunch.

There will be other things connected to this area like acapella or other ensembles as well.

She sounds like she is putting herself out there so it will come. Probably better to have the patience to find the right friends rather than tag along to stuff that isn't her just because others are.

I'd forgotten the boarding school people who all seemed to know each other. We also had the engineering mafia who not only know each other, but seemed to know every other engineering student in the country due to preuniversity internships.

I remember feeling out of place on my landing, but made friends on my course. We moved rooms each term and the second term I was with a fantastic group of people who stayed friends. I started doing student union activities in my third term and made wonderful friends there. Your daughter will find her people.

What about hillwalking/excursions in local area societies. No need to be sporty as such and plenty of opportunity to chat. Eg the sort of thing that St Andrews has - a multi level exploration/hillwalking group https://www.yourunion.net/activities/societies/explore/breakaway/
Not all sporty things at uni are team sports or sports which lots of people will have experienced at school, and are very much have a go/have fun.
It will be a few weeks of ups and downs, and YP just need to be encouraged to be patient, and parents not get downcast if it's not perfect straightaway. It's never going to be and it's all a process.

She may not be religious but the Chaplaincy can also be a good place to meet people.

They usually do tea and toast or hot chocolate as an opportunity to chat.

On uni campuses they are multi faith centres and can be really useful in offering a more gentle way to make connections. It's easy to dismiss it but if she feels really low then keep it as an option just for company without too much pressure.

I’m guessing Edinburgh? My dc is at another Scottish uni and there was a big boarding school contingent from one school and it’s inevitable they band together at first as quite a loud noticeable group, obviously Edinburgh especially known for this. It probably does feel like everyone is part of a group if you aren’t part of that.
It will get easier as course and societies get underway.

DD has made one friend so far, who coincidentally is going to be on her course. The flat she’s been given is shared with two introverts, and she’s an introvert herself, so that’s not started well. DD needs more outgoing people in her life to stop her hiding, and she knows it! The flat next door has six people, some of whom are quite outgoing, and have invited DD round to play Nintendo which is lovely. She wishes she could live there but never mind. She has been going to things which has been scary for her, but she’s coping. I think she will make more friends, but it’s very hard. DD’s bestie from school is Irish origin, and has flown from England to Belfast for university, so DD misses her a lot. Another bestie has gone to a northern university, and DD’s all the way down south. I think it’s inevitable there will be challenges but I hope once lectures start she’s going to find common ground with more people.

I didn’t feel settled at uni until I went back after the Christmas break. Then I suddenly seemed to find my tribe. I’m an introvert though, so it always takes me ages.

It can take a while to find your crowd. And it is easy to see groups of people out together and assume they all get along but they may be second years or may have just met. People on their own are less easy to spot. It's unlikely that everyone has found their friendship group already.

Try to encourage her to join at least two societies or sports groups - ones that are sociable as well as being what she really enjoys - music or drama or dance; netball or rowing; debating - something where you need to work together. And encourage her to actually go to lectures, seminars - even the non-essential ones - where she will meet people doing the same subject as her.

Try to reassure her that it is okay to hang out with people you don't quite gel with at first. Gradually she will meet people she connects with.

Not all sports need to be “sporty” - I was in the tenpin bowling club! It really is a great way to meet people

DD started at Edinburgh a couple of weeks ago and I think this reputation may be hall- dependent. She's met lots of nice, friendly, welcoming people who don't know each other and are keen to make new friends.

@unsurewhattodoaboutit Thank you so much for this. I am so pleased to report that she has had a better day. She has chatted to 2 girls at a quiz and is going to join a couple of societies. I feel so relieved and hope it will continue. I will sleep better tonight! I do think Freshers Week should be shorter. Maybe 4 days or something. A week is a long time for young people to be under such social pressure. Maybe Mumsnet could do a campaign?

Great news @PeachPie1234thats great news. You must be relieved.

Agreed on the campaign and great to hear about your DD! DD is at St A and it is very far (which she knew off going in) and is finding everything a bit more manageable now teaching has started and she has a clearer idea of what her week will look like and can have a bit of structure :) She's much braver than me, I didn't even consider moving out for uni due to being scared and always slightly regretted it

@poppy517 have sent you a PM.

St Andrews is quite a tiny place as well. Love the East Neuk of Fife😍 lovely location to study at.

My outgoing , confident daughter was depressed for the first three months at university . She actually considered leaving .
She is now in her final year of a four year course and has enjoyed her time
My more introverted daughter didn’t have any issues when she started university which may be due to the fact that she had taken a gap year and was probably more ‘ready ‘
It is actually quite common for students to struggle when they first start university .As others have said, most people are faking it .

Firstly, huge congratulations to your DD for getting into St Andrews! It was one of only 4 places that offered my DD’s subject combination but she didn’t get an offer.

It’s great to hear that your DD is feeling more settled. Honestly, her experience is so normal. It sounds like you did uni differently so perhaps you aren’t aware. My elder DD is very sociable but also struggled for several weeks to start with, as did i when i went to uni centuries ago. As a PP said, people who appear more socially confident are often “faking it till they make it”.

In the context of corporate networking, I was given a very helpful tip for social events - it was: imagine you’re one of the hosts and it’s your job to help put others at ease. It takes the focus off you. This is what your DD is doing by being the one to issue coffee invitations.

Onwards and upwards for your DD. We’re dropping our younger DD next weekend so this is still ahead of us.

Look after your DD's everyone. 😓After an upturn where she seemed to be making friends, my DD was sexually harassed on the first night she actually went out with her flatmates. She was not physically harmed as she managed to get away from the creep when he made his move - he had targeted her all night, tried to get her to drink more, and separated her from her group - she ran away but was very shaken and frightened. Luckily our son lives in the same city, so she called him and he came and got her and took her to his house where she spent the night. She phoned us in tears wanting to come home. My DH and I have come to the city to stay in a hotel nearby to help her through it. It has been a hellish few days. Halls staff have been amazing, so have her flatmates, I think she is going to be ok - she wants to stay. But this has opened my eyes to the stats for girls being assaulted and raped in freshers - they are horrific. 😓😠Tell your DD's to be on their guard and look out for their friends.

@PeachPie1234 I'm so sorry to read that. It is indeed a growing problem on campuses and I've had to deal with incidents with my students previously too. We run some projects and training around this so it is worth talking to student services or SU about it perhaps.

The ofs ran a survey this year on this matter
https://www.officeforstudents.org.uk/for-providers/student-protection-and-support/harassment-and-sexual-misconduct/survey-of-sexual-misconduct/

All of my friends that I stayed in touch with were off my course. I don't talk to one single person I lived with in first year. Not because I don't like them, they were fine, just that they weren't my long term friends!

It sounds like she hasn't even started her course yet. Honestly, she will make friends when she does. They're very good at getting them involved in group work in the early weeks, so they will get talking.

During freshers week, I made a countdown calendar to when I could go home for Christmas. I cried myself to sleep and had to work really hard not to phone my mum and ask her to come and get me. I ticked off the days on the calendar for about the first 3 weeks, then started to miss days, more and more, until I forgot about it completely.

Uni was the best 3 years of my life - but god - it was so hard at the beginning!