DD struggling during freshers

[poppy517]

Last Friday, DH and I dropped off DD at her dream uni. It is about a 9.5hr drive away so not close at all. DD is a sociable girl who has lovely friends from school who all move into uni in about a week and had been texting us updates of various events she had gone to, when she was spending time with her flatmates and how she had decorated her room. However, when she called a couple of days ago she broke down in tears saying that she isn't clicking with people beyond short conversations, wandering around freshers events alone and seeing freshers friend groups when she herself doesn't even have one friend. I told her it takes time and it has only been a week but she says she feels so lonely she feels a weight in her stomach and wishes she had never moved so far away. Has anyone else known anyone else in this situation as she is convinced she can't see anyone else feeling like this.

As a mum that’s just dropped her daughter off at university today. I bet that breaks your heart. I would be in bits. But, as a uni tutor I know that friendships sometimes take a little time to bed down and everyone finds someone. If it’s starting to impact the uni will have wellbeing staff she can chat to and they can often help to form connections for students.

Oh that must be so tough for your daughter and for you! I was lucky that my son had a great bunch of lads in his uni flat and they made the most of freshers week but he was still incredibly homesick until way after he came home for Christmas and he was ‘only’ about five hours away.
Have you heard of WIWIKAU on Facebook? (What I Wished I’d Known About University). Honestly, they were such a support and often other parents would encourage their young adults to meet up with each other. It might be worth a try.

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Maybe send this article to your daughter so she doesn’t feel so alone. In it, a second year student says, “ her advice would be not to put too much importance on the infamous freshers' week. "I think everyone goes in with the expectation that it's this amazing, wild week, where you meet your best friends for life and have your best time at uni," she says.

“https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/ce801vd85q0o

From personal experience, I met my two best friend in freshers week. One didn’t like me when we first met (I was drunk, she was not!) and the other I didn’t like (basically because 18 yo me was jealous of her). But then lectures started, tutorial groups were arranged and we became best friends over the next three years. They are my very favourite people. A lot of those freshers friendships aren’t the ones that last beyond first year. Everyone is working out who they want to be at uni and sometimes people need to settle in and stop trying so hard to form proper friendships. It’s a huge transition and it will get easier. Everyone is fairly nervous and faking it - some people are just more convincing!

I used to be a university lecturer and every year I would have one or two tutees amongst the freshers who came to me very upset because they were feeling this way. I’m sure most other moderately approachable staff members did too. In every instance I can recall the students settled in, found their friends, and enjoyed their degrees. Fresher’s Week is tough. Soon there will be classes and structure and those who have found their halls of residence a bit barren will start to meet more like minded people ar seminars and lectures. She’ll be ok.

Is she at Edinburgh? The amount of stuff on offer seems overwhelming!

@pinkduckkI was thinking St A

I think I only retained one friend that I met in my Freshers week and she wasn't in the same flat even she was in a neighbouring one.

The group i ended up living with in second year were a mix of my club mates (Jujutsu) and course mates (or people on adjacent courses) so I did a design subject and many friends were in the same lectures and classes and doing other design degrees and we used the same cafeteria/cafe as we worked in the same building.

Saying all this, there are pros and cons to living with people on different courses. My design friends were great to have shared work sessions with but having to attend the same lectures meant all trying to use the showers at the same time!

Third year I was living with a group that was once removed from the first. Friends of friends who I especially got on well with and in still friends with today.

I ended up living with my freshers flatmates in first and second year because ‘better the devil you know’ and that was even when I had friends outside the flat! They were nice people but not my type of people at all - we just had nothing in common. Still I’d given myself a talking to when my parents drove away, as the most homesick child ever I was determined I would do it and I did.

I would say look up when things like the freshers fair are (clubs and societies introduction) and plan, plan. Have things like ‘first day of course’ and things marked on the calendar as points to aim for. Once you have lectures and seminars and things to do, you find your time is more full and it doesn’t seem so terrible. Joining clubs is another way to get you out of your room and joining in with things. What does she like? There’s probably a club for it (some unis have a Taylor Swift society even!).

I’ve always found when I have a stretch of time where I think I’m going to lose my nerve then if I put something in as a ‘I will be busy’ point it helps it feel less terrifying. Good luck to her- she will get there!

Also to add, some of my club and society friends are still my friends now, 26 years later! One very good friend who was like my ‘university big brother’ is also now great mates with my husband which is lovely.

See Freshers week as something to get through before normality begins.
Most people find a week of organised ‘fun’ with strangers exhausting and after a day or two are quite tired by it. It’s that sense that everyone else is having more fun and making more friends that makes it so tricky.

People find their tribe on their course, at societies, through sport. Especially if you’re in a flat-based hall, the chance your best friends will be amongst the 5-10 people in your flat is small really!

Say ‘yes’ to something that’s going on every day. If you’re going to the Freshers Fair or an event or even the shops, ask others in flat or accom if they want to come. And don’t worry if they don’t. And if you need an eve off mid-Freshers, feel abke to have one.

And be the kind person who spots someone on their own, and include them too!

Freshers can be a bit meh, both of my children disliked it. It felt a lot better when they started attending lectures and there is a routine to your day and week. She will also then be meeting people on her course which means they have one thing in common. It is normal to feel overwhelmed, out of your depth and that you made a mistake. I would always advise sticking it out for a bit until she starts actual lectures.

Remind your DD that most people arrive knowing no one and everyone is super keen to make some friends. Tell her to sign up to 3 clubs or societies and she'll make friends with people with similar interest. Tomorrow her lectures will start and another group of people she can make friends with. Instead of waiting for or people to come to her she could approach another person and say this queue is long isn't it. My name is X I'm going to be studying Y.

What course is she doing?

She's very likely to make proper friends that way, especially if it's something like law or medicine where they are timetabled with a lot of lectures together.

She should also join a couple of societies.

Not everyone makes friends from their flatmates.

Most of those people she sees walking around in groups have only just met and they're not 'friends' yet either, they're probably flatmates or have rooms next to each other in shared housing.

Honestly OP, the first few weeks are lonely for many people and just because you're walking around with people doesn't mean you don't feel lonely too. I remember my first week or two at uni feeling quite lost and lonely, because it takes more than a few days to make real friends. Tell her to hang in there, find a couple of clubs and societies of things that interest her, and encourage her to join a sports team, if that's her thing. Sports teams are great for meeting people, socialising and having a ready-made group of friends.

It's really easy to think everyone else is confident and has lots of instant pals, but tell her to remember everyone is feeling like she does underneath, probably a bit homesick for the familiar and faking it. Stick on a smile and go check out some clubs: 10 pin bowling, puzzle and board games, quiz nights, team sport, music or whatever is her thing. She'll find her tribe. Most halls also run a buddy system (or at least DDs did) whereby they arrange social lunches or evenings to get people out of their rooms and talking to each other. Give it time and good luck.

My best friend of 40yrs (and DDs godmother) is someone I got talking to in halls when we were both feeling a bit homesick and sat and shared some of my DMs cake she sent to me in a food parcel from home 🥰

DC2 was like this. It was awful. I dreaded the calls. 2 years down the line and an autism and ADHD diagnosis later, I'm glad to report that DC2 is doing well. Very well.

My son, who always had a friend group but a close knit one, suddenly found popularity at Freshers. He’s just gone into second year and is firmly buckled down with friends he met from his course. He was burnt out trying to keep up the whole year with different groups, who he didn’t really have much in common with. The classes are where the friendships count for him. In fact, most of his deep friendships now that he’s holding on to are with people who felt similar, and found their people when classes started. Your poor daughter will be feeling overwhelmed but it will get so much better, and she’ll love it.

Oh OP. I feel so much for you both. I was actually just reminiscing about the horrors of early days at Uni with my DH tonight.

I left a tiny island and flew to a northern Uni, absolutely no way to quickly dash back or visit. No mobiles to keep in touch. One aged old pay phone in a block of 4 flats, each with 6 people. Madness!

I cried every day for an hour on waking I found it so so hard to adjust.

30 years later I'm still very good friends with my first ever flat mates and have the fondest of memories of it all.

It does get easier and everyone is struggling. One of my lovely flat mates broke down in tears on a kind lady who worked in M&S. They stayed in touch for decades!

The people she sees walking around in 'friend groups' are just clinging to the nearest person. They may not be friends three weeks from now! Freshers Week can be hard. Reassure her that she just has to smile and be friendly for now. When she gets into seminars or lectures, or joins a couple of societies or sports clubs, that's probably where she will find people who are on her wavelength. They'll bond over something random, probably. I remember going out with a bunch of people from my course in about week 3. We went for a couple of drinks and then they announced they were going for a meal. I didn't have money in my budget for meals out (they were all quite posh private school types) and I made my excuses and got the bus back to campus, and another girl did too. On the bus we admitted to each other that neither of us had the money for 'meals out' and we were secretly finding a couple of the group quite insufferable! Instead we went to the campus cafe and had a hot chocolate. She became my first 'proper' university friend and we're still good friends 35 years later.

I am going through exactly the same right now with my DD. She is quite shy but had good friends and a decent social life in school. The gang on her corridor went out last night and seem to have gone out again tonight without her. Apparently they all had tickets to a club that she knew nothing about. She is really stressed and upset. She is sitting in her room feeling miserable at this moment and my heart is breaking for her.

God I hated Freshers, I remember the horror to this day. I made a few friends after a while but can’t say I enjoyed university life socially. Made better, more long lasting friendships since.

@PeachPie1234having just dropped my dd off on Saturday my heart goes out to you both. She will find her tribe, probably on her course rather than in halls. Most of the students I teach are friends with and live with other students in their seminar groups. Ask her to get in touch with the well being staff either on her course or in the halls. There will be other students feeling a similar way and they can help.

I’d plan to go and visit in October op, so she has something to look forward to. My dd also invited home friends to stay for the first semester. Keep supporting her to try societies and clubs. Tennis, running and rowing clubs usually have great socials.

I agree. It's not compulsory to join in if you don't want to. Once teaching begins she'll make friends.