Cost of student accommodation, I could cry

[ElbowsUpRising]

So Dd has found out today she’s been accepted into Manchester and is looking at accommodation, of course all the stuff she likes is £260 a week. 51 week contract as well! It’s all the fancy, swish stuff though she is adamant the reason she wants the expensive stuff is because she’s prioritising her safety as she wants something close as she’s “terrified of getting raped” if she has to walk back to her digs late at night.

she won’t consider a house share, she won’t consider cheaper halls a bit further out.

so accommodation is looking at 13k a year! She will get minimum student loan so think that’s 5k.

she won’t be able to work partly due to her health- she has fibromyalgia but nowhere near bad enough for PIP. Also she will be doing architecture Masters which if anything like her undergraduate degree will be too full on to be able to work as well.

so we will need to find another 8k a year plus however much she will need per week for food, etc. I’m guessing over £50 a week. Nearer £100 a week? So another 5k. How the fuck do people find 13k a year?

im trying to impress on her the difference that cheaper accommodation will make on her (us) and she’s just going nuts and accusing me of risking her safety and putting her at risk of being raped!

Is £260 a week normal?

That is true. Which is why, before everyone piles on in support of OP, it’s worth thinking about what the other side might look like.

There are a few clues in OP’s posts that suggest she’s not handled things very well and has been quite a volatile mother.

I think too much poor advice has been given in this thread which caused the op to panic and tell dd she wasn’t getting a penny the other day which has made everything worse. For example people have told op that she is spoiling dd by paying for her to live im halls for one year and I bet many of these people have paid for their dcs accommodation for three years which will cost more in total. The dd is travelling until the start of the next academic year as she doesn’t have the option of doing the course instead at the moment. It starts in the autumn. Loads of young people go travelling before settling down to a proper job, some of them fund it themselves others might use money they have been gifted by a relative. Even if dd isn’t working whilst travelling she will be learning life skills through meeting new people and living away from home and experiencing different cultures. She is doing a degree which is at least four years so there wasn’t an option of just doing three years and getting a job in that field.
Our dc need a bit of stability which is parents talking to each other and singing off the same hymn sheet. If a child has rightly or wrongly been a bit spoiled materially it is easier to make adjustments in small steps rather than just saying you are x years old now pay for everything. It wouldn’t be easy for us if our standard of living was removed overnight so we can’t expect our dc to suddenly pay for everything before they are in a regular job. I agree with the poster above that the op should have a calm conversation with dd and listen to her side. Also speak to dh.

@pineisland One thing that makes OP different to some other parents who financially support their kids who live away whilst studying is that OP had already saved £20K. So her DD can use that, and a loan and a job, to support herself during her Masters study. DD has also refused to pay for anything whilst living at home post-graduation.

Like OP, I would be giving her fuck all from now on, in regard to money. And probably have told her to sling her hook soon after she attempted to emotionally blackmail me by saying she potentially could get raped in Manchester, as a way to fund her.

@pineisland many parents do help out with uni costs especially if the student only gets minimum loan, but many students have part-time jobs to help top up the funds. Students also don’t make demands of their parents.

DS only gets minimum loan. He actually refused to let us top it up fully. He works hard in the holidays to get funds to help finance the next year. We do help him out here and there and don’t ask for contributions during the holidays. He doesn’t choose the most expensive accommodation and seems to budget pretty well.

pineisland

Its up to op what she takes from this thread, and how she acts upon it. The responding consensus is that OPs daughter is entitled and spoilt - that is the message given from the posts OP has written.

The OP has said they will support her up to £180 per week, they have given her £20k but apparently that isn't enough - its not a case of OP taking things away but the daughter constantly wanting more

The OP has stated that her and her husband are not on the same page - he will dish out more money it seems as and when the daughters waggles her little finger

@crumblingschools Parents are expected to help out with living expressing dc on minimum loan! It’s not optional. If dc want to work they can but work isn’t readily available to all. However where dc want top end accommodation and parents cannot afford that, a compromise has to be reached.

Some of us on the thread understand what is required to be an architect. The DD must do this course. She’s lived at home for part 1 of the qualification so her parents haven’t helped financially as much as many other parents. Saying she isn’t getting a top up now is the nuclear option and as ill considered as the DDs position. She should get support but she should compromise too.

@TizerorFizz But the DD already has that £20K. Why should she be getting topped up now with more money whilst on her Masters?

It certainly does sound 'selective'. I'm sorry. People putting it on makes it so much harder for folk like yourself to access support. I wish you well. xx

@TizerorFizz if daughter lived at home during her UG then assume OP did help financially with food, bills etc.

We were fully prepared to top up DS’s loan but he didn’t want us to. He saved his money from his part-time job which he had from 16 and as I said we do help him out. He is currently in accommodation which costs £115pw inc bills so chose accommodation within his means (it is very nice so am amazed at the cost when I hear some of the costs on here)

@westisbest1982 The OP said that money was for a house deposit. She explicitly saved it for that. As many parents do. We saved separately for DC and they didn’t get the money at 18! The op made a mistake regarding this. Most parents know that going to university means topping up the loan. Just because the op foolishly allowed dd to have the house deposit early by not having control of the account, is a separate issue from maintaining DD at university. If she had saved explicitly for university costs, that would be different. She’s not kept the money in her name for that purpose and it’s wholly in DDs name. It’s up to her as to what it’s spent on but the original plan was house deposit, not university rent.

The DH here has separate money so can pay. Cannot see why not although it’s better to work it through as a family. We always kept savings for DC in later life completely separate from university top up. We also supported both DDs through necessary post grad qualifications. Neither could live at home at any stage of their post 18 education. If a dc starts this type of career, there’s a cost implication. By DD living at home for 3 years of part 1, the op has saved a huge amount already. There now needs to be compromise. The parents should top up and leave savings out of it unless dd offers it up. There needs to be compromise on what’s reasonable. They appear dysfunctional though.

@TizerorFizz many young people get money at 18. Grandparents sometimes put money into bank accounts for grandchildren which become theirs at 18. If your child is of a certain age they will have had a child trust fund which again becomes theirs at 18.

But if the daughter lived at home throughout her UG time the OP would have been funding her living expenses throughout that time. Our food bill goes down when DS is at university!

@crumblingschools The op says she made a mistake with the savings vehicle. It paid out to DD, not her.

I appreciate food costs money but it’s waaay short of £13,000 pa rent! Or even topping up the minimum loan. There’s no comparison. The parents have had a financially easier ride by her being at home. Not an easier ride regarding her maturity! Also DDs can be more manipulative than boys over money. We’ve had incidents with DDs. However digging yourself into a hole and saying your savings for a house deposit are now for essential living at university is a bit strong. So they need to compromise but this money, as you say, is no longer the OPs and is separate from top up finances.

@TizerorFizz but part of the argument is that accommodation doesn’t have to be £13k there are cheaper alternatives. If the DD wants something that expensive she can help fund it. Instead of going travelling she could be working to build up funds

@crumblingschools Yes of course it doesn’t need to be £13,000. I agree DD can help to some extent but the OP saved the money for a house deposit. She could have saved a shed load more by not paying maintenance for 3 years. So diverting lots of it into rent seems odd at this stage. She’s let DD make choices due to not keeping control of the savings. However that’s a different argument from saying she’s now paying £0 for a rent she doesn’t agree with. DD should take the loan and parents pay the difference between that and the max loan. This is the basis on which DD should look for accommodation. Topping up is then up for discussion if needed. I do agree £13,000 is blackmail and ridiculous.

Agree..Reading all OP posts her daughter is not remotely grateful for the help her parents have offered. She refused to contribute when she was working to household bills, demands more and more money choosing the most expensive options having already access to a sizeable lump sum. The daughter choose to go travelling instead of working til the start of the next academic year on her parents money. How is continuing to fund such a situation helping the daughter become independent? Now OP stood up to her she immediately went to the father. It will be interesting to see what happens in September if daughter has not secured any choices before leaving the country this weekend.

Sorry I’m aware in an earlier message I wrote I told dd I wasn’t going to give her a penny. What I actually said to her was I wasn’t going to give her a penny towards such high end accommodation. That basically she needs to lower her expectations.

my feelings are if she has her student loan of slightly under 5k that should be enough to pay for food/daily expenses?

then we pay for rent. But not at £260 a week. She should be able to find something for under £200 a week which we’d pay for.

as luck would have it the £260 one isn’t available to postgrad students. She rang them up yesterday and asked the company about it. She thinks she’s found somewhere for £150 a week but is waiting for photos, etc and price confirmation. It’s still in some really swanky accommodation block so seems too cheap to be real but will see what she gets in writing.

yes I didn’t charge her any board and lodging during UG times. Was happy not to. And I’m happy to fund PG now, just not ridiculous levels when there’s other options. She had quite a good income when doing her first degree as had about 3k student loan and about £400 a month from a barista job which she did till mid way through yr 3. She took 4 years to do her degree as she interrupted for a year due to covid. She was furloughed from her barista job for a bit so still had an income and then picked up a few more shifts once she could before going back to uni. She’s 24yo now.

@ElbowsUpRising I think that clarifies matters and she’s now appearing to compromise. So she will be 27 when actually qualifying? That’s a long haul! DD was 7 years to qualify for her job and we supported her for that time. I didn’t really expect lashings of gratitude but a Hermes scarf for Christmas makes me happy!

Yeah I didn’t get anything for Xmas as she got made redundant the week before. So not even a box of chocolates. 🙈

And I do kick myself about the bank account mess up. It was in my name but was a child isa as that was the best interest rates. Her name was linked to it as I obviously had to evidence an actual child. I had no idea that without notice at 18yo it was put in her name solely and my access was cut off.

I don’t understand why if you are prepared to fund accommodation at £200 a week, you aren’t prepared to give her say £8000 (£200x 40 weeks) or £10400 (£200x 52 weeks) and let her choose her own accommodation. If she wants £13k accommodation then she uses her saving or wages for the rest. If she wants £7000 accommodation then she’s got some left over for commuting and food etc. it’s ridiculous that at 24 you are literally choosing and booking where she is going to live. That’s not to say that she not coming over as being spoilt and immature because she obviously is but she is 24 years old with £20k savings - let her choose where she’s going to live. You don’t have to fund her choice, you just need to say what you are prepared to give her for the year and mean it. You’ve made a completely understandable and reasonable decision to help fund your child through higher education - millions of us do it, but you are micromanaging her spending rather than actually managing the amount you are prepared to fund.

I’m sorry but you are still doing her no favours. If this isn’t a joke you are a complete mug no Xmas present from an adult you only have yourselves your husband included for all this your daughter is completely spoilt and you continue to enable her 24 and you are looking up buses to accodomation, do you think this is normal? She’s walking all over you both

She doesn't want to use her savings. She has not offered to do that. She's said that she wants us to pay it all upfront so she can keep "her" savings.

I guess if she wanted to use her savings to make up a shortfall and go somewhere really swanky then yes she could. But in all honestly I'd find that upsetting when we lived frugally at times to put money aside for her to give her a leg up on the housing ladder. If she blows the money on student accommodation with a gym and yoga classes what happens in 2 years time when she is earning 26k a year and spending loads of money on rent and can't save enough to get a house deposit together. It would be very short sighted of her to do this for 2 years of fun. And it is a 2 yrs Masters not a year as some people have thought. I guess ultimately it would be her decision. But knowing what she is like I think after finishing her Masters she'd then be begging for house deposit money.

why can’t you say that you simply can’t afford to support her at all through her masters?
she will have the option then to cancel her travel plans, use her savings and take out a loan (like everyone else has to without parental support)
or defer a year and save up from a full time job?
you need to give her a cold dose of reality otherwise she isn’t going to do well out in the real world and you are setting her up for failure

I think you need to face that she is going to blow that money on whatever she fancies…
better it be student accommodation than holidays

If she blows the money on student accommodation with a gym and yoga classes what happens in 2 years time when she is earning 26k a year and spending loads of money on rent and can't save enough to get a house deposit together. It would be very short sighted of her to do this for 2 years of fun.

Of course it would be, but look at her track record with money. She has no concept of the value of money and can do what she wants with it. I would be really surprised if she locks away the money - her money - for after she completes her masters to use for a property deposit. She’s already spent £1.5K of it.