Cost of student accommodation, I could cry

[ElbowsUpRising]

So Dd has found out today she’s been accepted into Manchester and is looking at accommodation, of course all the stuff she likes is £260 a week. 51 week contract as well! It’s all the fancy, swish stuff though she is adamant the reason she wants the expensive stuff is because she’s prioritising her safety as she wants something close as she’s “terrified of getting raped” if she has to walk back to her digs late at night.

she won’t consider a house share, she won’t consider cheaper halls a bit further out.

so accommodation is looking at 13k a year! She will get minimum student loan so think that’s 5k.

she won’t be able to work partly due to her health- she has fibromyalgia but nowhere near bad enough for PIP. Also she will be doing architecture Masters which if anything like her undergraduate degree will be too full on to be able to work as well.

so we will need to find another 8k a year plus however much she will need per week for food, etc. I’m guessing over £50 a week. Nearer £100 a week? So another 5k. How the fuck do people find 13k a year?

im trying to impress on her the difference that cheaper accommodation will make on her (us) and she’s just going nuts and accusing me of risking her safety and putting her at risk of being raped!

Is £260 a week normal?

You just need to shut your wallet @ElbowsUpRising

It sounds like she's giving you the right runaround and she's making all the rules and decisions. Now that you've said no to her a few times she's got dad hooked in who will happily take over where you left off and she gets her way. What a manipulator. Kids should never get between their parents, let them do it once and it's game over. You both should be showing her a united front not allowing her to play you off against each other. Good luck!

I'm sorry dear OP but your daughter sounds to be playing you. My advice would be to sit down with her and Father and go through the figures. I appreciate you may not want to disclose your circumstances but I believe you need to. She must also disclose her 'accounts' - I'm assuming she is living at home rent free? If she demurs, say 'fine, you need to start paying for your keep'. She may be your little darling but you need to give her a lesson in growing up. Good luck. xxx

I’m going to just say it , so she’s already got a degree ,
if she’s refusing a house share can’t work partime why ?
it’s not affordable don’t such up the cost and put yourself in difficult situation.
shes needs to work and save.
theres alot to be said for on campus and house share she will have people around to walk home with
this seems like madness

I had assumed you were a single parent from your earlier posts as there was no mention of support from a partner. I can't believe your DH lets your DD treat you the way she is!
It sounds as though the whole family has a bit of a strange attitude to money - how can you not know how much your DH earns?
It also sounds as though he spoils your DD rotten, and she has him wrapped around her little finger.
I assume she is your only child?

I don't think you are going to get anywhere - the only thing you can do is refuse to pay, and let DH foot the bill if he is stupid enough to fall for it.

@MolluscMonday You do realise this course is essential for architects. It’s not just for fun. It’s an obligation. Some professions are not accessible after the undergrad. It’s what all architects do and having a long gap is less than ideal. So it must be done. She’s already behind the curve with work and travel and pleasing herself. Getting a job will be another challenge in 2027 and this is vital to qualify too. It’s a hard occupation and it’s 6-7 years normally to qualify.

DD knows her parents have the money. They’ve not paid for their share of her living costs whilst at uni because she’s been at home for undergrad. They haven’t shelled out £6,000 a year as many other parents have to. So she’s pushing them now with unreasonable demands.

If dad can pay, let him. There isn’t family money. We have friends like this. They keep everything separate and don’t often make joint financial decisions about savings or even buying cars. I think it’s odd but in this case, DD plays one off against the other. DD knows dad will stump up. It’s his money and his choice.

Gosh op you are absolutely right to stand up to your daughter but you need your DH on board or it’s pointless and becomes all them vs you.

and why don’t you have any idea about your husband’s income/finances? That’s quite bizarre isn’t it? I have had my own struggles with entitled DC and one of my friends had to pull me up and remind me to keep telling them you love them but don’t like their behaviour. I found myself talking about/to mine with complete vitriol and it’s not healthy or conducive to ever rebuilding a relationship in the future. Stand firm on your decision to withdraw funding, stand firm on not facilitating her behaviour and let her know her attitude is not acceptable but make it clear you are there for her if she can respect those boundaries and you.

She has her priorities.i doubt she will have any accommodation organised before she leaves on the weekend at this rate. And then she's away a while month, time is ticking and she's not really that bothered.

Is she even suited to doing another course, away from home? She doesn't sound very motivated or interested in it.

Can't your DH see this is all the wrong way round!

I hope you are able to talk to him just the two of you and he gives you the support you need.

It sounds as though you need to talk to DH.

The way she is treating you reminds me of my eldest sister - late teens/20s she had a major 'daddys girl' problem, and really treated my mother with contempt/bullied her. It was a competitive thing, almost like an emotional affair - she would back DF up in any situation, pander to his ego, suggest secret plans (mostly financial) that should be kept from DM, and tried to take over DMs role as adult, confidant, decision maker in the family and exert control over their relationship in any way she could (and also tried to take on a ´mothering role´with us younger siblings and sow discord in our relationships with DM)
She would get involved in my parents disagreements/relationship/finances/parenting in a way that was completely inappropriate for a young adult (us younger siblings could see this and tried in various ways to intervene) She constantly triangulated the relationship, painting my DM as crazy/ the bad guy and acting as DFs yes person - and my DF is somewhat lacking in emotional nous and took a long time to see what was happening (and of course, my parents had a long relationship, which gathers its own history and changes/need for renegotiation over the years) so the whole thing was pretty disastrous and misery-making for a long time.

She needs to be told to butt out of you and DHs relationship. She doesn't get to be involved in discussing your finances, she doesn't get an equal vote or decision on that sort of thing because she is an adult child who should be detaching from you/standing on her own two feet, and while you love and care for her, you and DH are adults, and she cannot be a third wheel/insert herself in your marriage. You haven't said much about your DH but you need to get him on side as to what is acceptable behavior for your DD and how you will tackle the situation together.

I'd leave her to swing in the breeze. Organise everything herself coz it won't happen.

Good lord, your daughter sounds insufferable.

@Motheringlikeapelican Why would the DH agree to that? He’s ok with the status quo. OP and DH don’t have a financial relationship - which is what this is about. When she flounced off - what did DH do? Nothing as far as we know. The DD gets what she wants and OP didn’t even control the savings account for DD. She’s let her have £20,000. They don’t function as a standard couple financially. It’s a great shame but DD now needs to sort herself out and OP should withdraw from any arrangements. I suspect DD will bounce back home but DH won’t care as he does his own thing.

DSA isn't a grant btw - there is no cash handed to students with disabilities.
It's practical support, e.g. counsellors, access to ground floor rooms, electronic reading systems, more supportive chairs in their room, that sort of thing, depending on need.

So she’s too tired to work having worked for one year, but not too tired to go travelling?

and “refused” to pay board?

I’d be telling her she can fund herself! She’s sounds like a spoilt madam I’m afraid.

Two architects in our family. One has his own business. One doing masters. They both work very long hours the youngest till 2am doing projects. He says you can't compare an undergraduate course to a masters it's so much harder.

I honestly don't think @ElbowsUpRising daughter has what it takes.

@justasking111 That would be my concern too. Not entirely sure she’s going to get a job!

The daughter sounds like an absolute biatch.

The husband is allowing this to happen.

I couldn't stick around to be so disrespected and bullied in my own home by two people who are supposed to be my family. Where's the respect for you? Who's caring about your well being?

The husband and daughter are both diabolical.

We are also only getting the OP’s side of things.

Well, that’s how online forums work, don’t you know.

Op why don't you know how much your husband earns?

Then he is not being a good husband. Your NVDD sounds like she is way too manipulative.

I agree with a PP. See if you can get her to lose her temper/be nasty around your DH and see if he can see her true self. I would also tell DH that if he chooses to let your DD continue to manipulate him, you will think less of him.

Who is the high earner of the family? Does your DH give you equal say in expenditures? If he does just give in to her, and you've already paid for her flight to Canada, cancel it. I cannot believe your DH, knowing your DD has 20K to her name, is letting her go waste it on a dumb trip instead of her education. The fact that she is spending it so recklessly, tells me she is not as serious as she should be about her masters.

I think you are in for a rough go of it, OP and I am sorry.

She sounds like she would be the same though and expect you to come and clean it all up for her.

Does anyone really think this spoilt little girl would ever pay someone back?

I think looking at the Sheffield Architect Master's program could be a good idea. It's cheaper, safer(?), and has a fine program.

I would say, "she could live at home and do her Master's from there", but I wouldn't want @ElbowsUpRising to deal with her more than needed.

She must have that new form of fibromyalgia, called selective fibro. It only acts up when the person who has it needs it.

I wish I had that kind. So many special moments and times that I have missed, and will never get back, or get a second chance to experience. Fibro and CFS has ruined too many potentially fun/wonderful times for me. 😧😩😠😢

See if you can get her to lose her temper/be nasty around your DH and see if he can see her true self.

This isn’t good advice. Can’t you see it’s manipulation too?

If you want to rescue your relationship with your daughter (and husband) OP, you need to think very differently to this.

You’ve enabled her behaviour for what sounds like a long time. I wonder whether that comes from a desperate need for her to like you given your own relationship with your mother.
In doing this you’ve given her all the power in the relationship and she’s learnt she can treat you badly and you’ll put up with it. She has no respect for you.

By giving her exactly what she wants for so long and then suddenly snapping it back, along with name-calling like ‘princess’ ‘brat’ etc, you’ll further alienate you both from each other.

I think you need an honest conversation where you admit you’ve messed up by failing to show her how to stand on her own two feet, then asking her honestly what she thinks a fair solution would be.

Don’t try to ‘trick’ her or make her slip up, don’t call her nasty names and don’t inflame the situation by doing the opposite of what you’ve always given her on a plate without first explaining what things are like for you.

You might want to find out what things are like for her, too. Have you asked her?