This thread showed me that passive aggressiveness is really engrained in British culture, as is the policing about "tone" on mumsnet by the mods. People really don't want to call other people out directly (hence the reaction buttons, snubbing, mean girl behavour), and after doing some reading around the subject, this post from Reddit pretty much nails it. It explains a lot of what I might term "vicious politeness" that I see--it is like a reflex almost. For a more academic approach, see Shaftesbury and the Culture of Politeness which I did read many moons ago. The post below seems to summarise part of it, and explains to me some of what a Chinese friend told me about Britain...behaviour is lickspittle. Kiss the bums of those above you, and spit on the ones below. This thread has been fascinating sociologically.
To give credit to the poster, link below
www.reddit.com/r/AskUK/comments/romwyt/comment/hq5xc0w/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
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In the 18th century, a novel and formalised idea of "politeness" was created and popularised in Britain as a social phenomenon....the (passive agreesive) behaviour is the remnants of that movement.
The 17th century was an enormously turbulent time in Britain, as with much of Europe. There was the Wars of the Three Kingdoms, including the English civil wars (which killed the greatest proportion of the population of any conflict in English history), the restoration and subsequently the Glorious Revolution and, stretching the century by a few years, Union. The country was enormously and bitterly divided after half a century of violent conflict. There would be violent revolutions, most notably in 1715 and 1745.
Also, there was vast social change going on against this background of a divided society. There was the agricultural revolution changing the countryside and farming population, there was colonialism in India and the Americas and the slave trade creating new fortunes, there was the Enlightenment changing the philosophical framing of the world.
Partly as a way of managing social interaction and avoiding violence in this society, partly to buttress their position in the social order as victors of the 17th century conflict, Whig aristocrats created the idea of Politeness as the only desirable social behaviour. Politeness was characterised in a number of ways, which essentially required to have been educated from birth in a particular (expensive and exclusive) way, have sufficient wealth to behave in that way, and the right social standing.
To be polite, one should (inter alia); avoid giving offence, keep emotions under control at all times (this didn't mean being unemotional, the cult of sentimentality went along with politeness), display an erudite understanding of classical literature and art, have informed taste in contemporary arts, hold entertaining and flowing conversation while discussing contentious topics or even expressing strong opinions on any matter, and avoiding making any direct demands of others.
Being Britain, this was intrinsically linked to social class. It was necessary to be polite with peers and ones betters. It was not necessary to be as polite with ones inferiors (the more inferior, the less need). One emphasised ones position on the social scale through public displays of appropriate politeness. For example, one didn't thank manual staff as that politeness would suggest more social equality than appropriate. If somebody were impolite to a clear social better, it would just emphasise how uncouth, ill-bred and inferior they were. Clearly, the closer the social grades the more subtle the relative degrees of politeness.
Losing control of ones emotions was always impolite, even toward inferiors. One was never angry but could be as insulting and dismissive as appropriate. (This also led to the rise of duelling, should a man lose his temper and insult or strike a social equal then returning the blow was deeply impolite, scheduling a time to attempt to murder each other was the correct response.) (here is the differing treatment of different classes referred to above)
The emerging middle classes, such as the rising commercial bourgeoisie grown rich from slavery and trade, obviously wanted to join this prestigious social club, so began mimicking the politeness and educating their children in it. The concept was so successful that it filtered in some diluted sense well down the ranks of the middle classes into the working class (at least the "better sort" of working class).
This whole mode of social interaction was very strong through the 18th and 19th centuries. It was eroded during the 20th century through the social mixing of the world wars and emerging democracy, female emancipation, widespread education and egalitarianism that followed. However, echoes of it remain today, most strongly in the privately educated upper-middle classes, and more widely in the conflict avoidance and lack of direct approach to dispute .... passive aggressive behaviour is part of that. This is probably a core demographic for mumsnet.