My son wants to go to open days alone/with friends

[Mathsmother]

My son in year 12 wants to go to uni open days alone and not with me or my husband. He may go with friends to a couple where they also interested in applying.

We are totally fine about it and rather admire his initiative but when I posted such on Facebook I was told that most students take parents along with them to open days and I really should go. I just wondered why? Surely it is the student’s choice not the parent’s and it is much cheaper for one train ticket (on a young person’s railcard) than two or three tix? The only downside I can see of my son travelling alone at age 17 is that he won’t be able to book a hotel room for the one far-flung uni he had on his list (Edinburgh). Thoughts and experiences welcome xx

I think that's a shame that it's changing and I'm glad the young people in my family are more independent and have sensible friendship groups. Great opportunity to have fun and also take in a university open day.

My friends and I took in the sights, went for lunch and had a ball while also seeing various universities. Choosing a university is also about the city you're going to end up living in while studying. It's good for kids to go out and socialise and see the city while they're there too. Once they're actually at the university a hell of a lot of it is going to be "fun days"

We've all gone on to have successful careers without any parental input through any stage of university.

The open days my DS has attended, and that I attended with DD have been in Scotland and there have been a large number of parents present. You absolutely would not ‘stick out like a sore thumb’. It is very much the norm in Scotland for parents to attend too.

It might be the case that Scottish students especially within in the Glasgow/stirling/Edinburgh region tend to go without parents but those from the Highlands and Islands and the rest of the U.K. are much less likely to. I'm sure the same sort of thing applies in big English cities.

@Yourethebeerthief it's really not as abnormal as you're trying to make it out to be 🤷‍♀️

I went off to university nearly 20 years ago I'd say 90% of us were accompanied by parents or grandparents.

I don't know what your beef is with parents helping their seventeen year olds out with a massive life changing decision, but I have to say it's making you look a bit odd.

Obviously if the child is happy to go alone that's fine but there's absolutely nothing wrong with them wanting to attend with a parent or other adult figure.

A large proportion of Scottish university students live at home and commute to university. It would be much more unusual for a parent to attend an open day in a city they live in or near - unless, like a few friends, their children are still in S2 or S3 and they are pondering future options in order to chose appropriate school subjects.

When I was looking at Unis and visiting open days my parents did not go and I barely saw a parent there. I don't know where you live or the level of involvement you have in your boys education and life choices, but this shouldn't be odd at all. It's up to them if they like it, after all.

You don’t need to go but your ds might have to be sharp elbowed as unfortunately course talks and Q&As are often dominated by a minority of helicopter parents.

I’ve been to a few and had a nice time with my dc and it’s nice to look around the cities and it is often much cheaper to drive than get a train ticket, even with a 16/17 or 16-24 card. They’ve also been alone and with friends and that has worked for them too. It is in no way crucial that you go. Loads of kids end up going to unis that they haven’t even been to the open day for anyway. One thing is though, because so many people are with someone then it’s hard to find a group to hang with and it can make the day a bit flat. You might end up liking the uni you visited with friends/parents and had a great day more than the one where you sat alone eating your sandwiches bored out of your mind.

Some dc really have had very little independence at this age and there is a weird idea that because they go to a single event at aged 17 with their mum then they are hopeless babies up who can’t wipe their arses. “I would find it unthinkable to abandon my baby when such a crucial decision hangs in the balance” and “why on earth would you spend any time with your ADULT child! Surely they know how to catch a bus at their age!” are 2 sides of the same ridiculous coin. Loads of kids have been working for 2/3 years and have been travelling all over the country by public transport at 17. Taking them to an open day isn’t going to make them regress. I’m 53 and I’m going to a garden centre with my mum this afternoon but I can do it alone. Honest. (And I’m not embarrassed to be seen with her because I’m not 12)

You were fine until social media?, don't parent by social media it won't end well

If my child wanted this fine

I'm not trying to make out that it's odd. I'm speaking from experience. It is odd in my experience. I don't know anyone who's done this. Just put out a question on various WhatsApp groups and all the replies said no, they think that would be odd.

I said that if a child asks a parent to go along then that's fine, although I consider it odd and think their parents should cut the apron strings and nudge them along themselves. You said "if a parent wants to go". This attitude is definitely wrong. Parents should be backing off at this stage.

@Wordsofprey parents didn’t go to open days etc when I and DH went to university. But guess what the world has moved on and when DS started in his university journey last year it is much more common for parents to accompany their young person. As others have said university is much more commercial than it used to be, parents will be involved much more financially. Students will be lucky if their loan covers the cost of their accommodation never mind food costs etc. More students will be attending university who have special needs so will need to check what is available for them.

As long as parents let their offspring take the lead there is nothing wrong with parents attending

I've got 3 children and I've never been to a single uni open day. They all did it themselves.

DD went alone to open days but we did go to offer holder days with her at her request

DH thought it was at least 90% of prospective students had a parent (or two) with them when he took DS to open days etc.

There is no 'right way', nor was there ever. Do as suits your DC best and some prep and planning helps get the most out of the day.

@poetryandwine gives some really concrete advice upthread about questions to ask; I think those are great.

When I was a prospective student, I did not attend Open Days as such; more tea and biscuits in the department with staff and current students, on a weekday. I liked the informality, the chance to be in a uni on a normal day; car ownership was very low in my region and so I was very confident with public transport. Times have changed for a whole variety of reasons.

Although Open Days have slightly false, razzamataz element, I liked that my DC could speak informally to staff and current students just as I had done; I do think that was the element that was most useful to them. I am grateful staff and helpers gave up their Saturdays to do this!

Unless you're in your late teens or early 20s, that's not really relevant.

I can assure you that Open Days are now so full of parents that universities put on specific talks for them. At the ones we went to it was way more common than students going on their own (least common) or with friends.

Many universities (like the rest of education in this country) are in financial dire straits. They need bums on seats. They are going to push hard at these days, might be overwhelming for some youngsters

I can assure you that Open Days are now so full of parents that universities put on specific talks for them. At the ones we went to it was way more common than students going on their own (least common) or with friends.

This gives me the creeps

Weird

@Spudthespanner why?

I am a child of the 70s, the decade where parenting can be described as benign neglect! Sat in a car in a pub carpark whilst parents had a drink etc. So accompanying your child to a university open day would not have been on their radar.

DS is independent but DH still went with him on open days. They enjoyed their road trips

Thank you, @PerpetualOptimist

Also it is worth exploring the social, cultural, sporting, volunteer and social/academic scenes (such as Dept or School Societies and Clubs) at this stage. These can make a huge contribution to life satisfaction at university.

@Yourethebeerthief I really can't see what's wrong with a parent wanting to attend something like this - especially if they're also expected to cough up several thousands a year.

Having a parent with you doesn't mean you're not independent or that you've somehow been failed along the way. Equally, going without a parent doesn't necessarily mean you're self sufficient or capable of making sensible choices either.

Yes I've said that the culture might be different in England where parents are paying. Although another poster seems to think that's changing in Scotland too which is a shame but it's not what I've seen.

You're free not to see why it's a problem. I think it is. A 17 year old should be getting on with these things themselves. I feel sorry for English kids whose parents are pulling the strings in their university choices but I suppose that's their lot in life due to the fees.

I'm not saying it's guaranteed to make them more independent but everyone I know would raise an eyebrow at a 17 year old going to a university open day with mum and dad. It's got an air of school parents' evenings about it.

Replies are still coming in on the WhatsApp groups. One reply sums it up for me too: "pure riddy for them"

I don't see what you waiting in the car while your dad was at the pub has anything to do with it.

I went to university in the 2000s. No one went to an open day with their parents. It's not about mum and dad. Parents would have been baffled if asked to come along.

We’re in Scotland and my DC went to most alone/with friends and this seemed to be the norm amongst their peers. I went to one which was further away and there was a train strike so was there for the lift. It was also a town I wanted to visit. DC attended an offers holders day recently and found when trying to talk to some of the people with parents that the parents spoke for their children and so ended up chatting with the parents instead.

I think it is nice parents are interested where their offspring are going to live for the next 3 or 4 years. If your child was moving out of home into a flat wouldn’t you want to see where they are going to live?

This exactly.

As many parents are involved in funding/heavily subsidising Uni these days many parents actively want to see where there young people will be potentially studying and living in the future and effectively have some idea of what return they are likely to receive for their investment. They want to see what the facilities are like and see what the place is like, how competent the academics appear, what the support staff are like if relevant, see what the halls are like and what the area around the Uni is like etc etc. If its a fairly local Uni more YP will be there without parents. But in our recent experience visiting higher end Uni’s I would say over 95% of YP were accompanied by parents at Open days.

One visit one of our YP had to go alone as we both had covid, they also had two school friends visiting the same Uni on the same day and afterwards they said it was ok but a bit awkward and embarrassing being there without a parent as only one other (international student) in his group didn’t have a parent with them.