My son wants to go to open days alone/with friends

[Mathsmother]

My son in year 12 wants to go to uni open days alone and not with me or my husband. He may go with friends to a couple where they also interested in applying.

We are totally fine about it and rather admire his initiative but when I posted such on Facebook I was told that most students take parents along with them to open days and I really should go. I just wondered why? Surely it is the student’s choice not the parent’s and it is much cheaper for one train ticket (on a young person’s railcard) than two or three tix? The only downside I can see of my son travelling alone at age 17 is that he won’t be able to book a hotel room for the one far-flung uni he had on his list (Edinburgh). Thoughts and experiences welcome xx

This is such an ill informed thing to say. Do you have uni aged DC?

I mean honestly what do you actually know about it? How can you judge others from your mountaintop when you aren’t aware of their circumstances? How are you aware if a DC has anxiety or is self harming? Can you tell by looking?

These posts slagging off parents for being over protective and slavishly sucking up to parents with independent kids is so incredibly reductive.

It will be good for him to go on his own.

30 years ago when I was doing this, it was the norm and it would be a major faux pas to bring your parents with you. Parental attendance is a recent trend and I think it's unhelpful at the very least outside of certain circumstances.

In my day parents never went. I visited Sheffield on my own and I don’t think I had even been on a train before. DD visited several unis on her own. We only drove DS to Cambridge for his interview because he had had a serious operation and we thought the journey would tire him.

Most university open and offer days have things set up for parents nowadays, so for those of us who went to uni years ago it is very different.

DH went with DS on all his visits to uni, he really enjoyed the road trips with him. But always stood back with tours etc so DS could do the question asking. Some lectures DS went solo to, sometimes there was a parent one at the same time. Parent ones about finance and pastoral support.

As others have said many parents will be having to make a reasonable financial contribution to their young person’s uni experience. Some universities can put on a hard sell, which possibly parents can see through more easily.

Sounds great! They are all different in terms of independence at that age and if he’s keen to go alone that’s fab.
hostel is a good idea.
lol my friends son applied to five unis through UCAS and the first they knew was getting the finance form.

I went to all of mine with my friends. Not a parent among us.

For Edinburgh look at the Scottish Youth Hostel Association as they take over 16s, are a youth work charity and are cheap

www.hostellingscotland.org.uk/about-us/

My ds went to one with a friend, 2 with us both & 1 just us 2. All his choice.

Nice to for him to have our opinions and we all enjoyed the day out! When we got there we just kept in the background.

Good to have an idea of different places and especially since we're financing most of it. Most students seemed to be with 1 or 2 parents and sometimes the whole family!

Either DH or I went with our DCs simply because we were transporting them, public transport around here being dire at that time.
This was 25+ years ago so obviously things were very different then.
We certainly didn’t interfere in where they chose to go, and both did extremely well.

We are totally fine about it and rather admire his initiative but when I posted such on Facebook I was told that most students take parents along with them to open days and I really should go

Social media is full of strange people.

I did all my Uni visits by myself, except for the one that was a coach trip organised by my 6th form. That included two taster visits that included 2-3 overnights in Halls. The first time my parents saw the Uni I went to was when they dropped me off in Fresher's Week.

I went to most of my DC's open days but by no means all. To be honest I think my chief contribution was as transport as they both had pretty clear ideas about what they were looking for.

If your son is happy to go by himself then I don't see that as anything to be concerned about.

I didn't go to uni but all my friends that did, I'd say most went to these things with friends, gf/bf rather than parents. It's a good thing for him to see things in his own eyes without feeling like he might be influenced by your reactions or comments about the place. But of course tell him the offer is open to come if he wants you to.

And pray how many years ago was that?

Times have changed. People have changed. Uni visits have changed. Funding has changed.

Obviously there are DC with particular circumstances where a parent coming along might be supportive. There's no reason to generalise that to young people with no special needs. For the latter, it makes absolute sense that they go with friends. A number of DC down the line I have been to a total of two Open Days, and that was purely as a driver - I made myself scarce once there.

I think it depends on the person - how independent/confident they are, and sometimes how available the parents are to do visits or be involved. I don’t think it’s regarded as unusual for parents not to be there, but it has, I think, become much more the norm for parents to be more involved in the whole university process generally, than they were years ago. Whether that’s because there’s a increased financial commitment, or because it’s become expected that they will taxi their teenagers around, I don’t know. With my dc at that age, we had a mixture of accompanied (further afield) visits and some they did with friends. It was always their decision, though. We just tagged along!

I'm a year younger than you and virtually everyone attended with their parents or a guardian. I can't think of anyone who went alone.

It certainly wasn't embarrassing

Tbh there’s a breed of parent that I recognise I find incredibly annoying.

The ones that went to uni themselves in the 70s/80s and think everything should be the same now. The “I shared a rat infested house and a bathroom with 20 people and ate off baked beans if I was lucky” lot. The sort that don’t believe in en-suites for their DC but forked out ££££ for their private education prior. Sneer at the lower classes worrying about shared bathrooms and eating healthily, as that’s what they are used to because they didn’t go to boarding school.

Some DC are very independent because they’ve had to be. Some DC are very anxious because of chaotic home lives.

If you are paying/contributing massively, you have a right to some input. Not to choose where he goes but to list things to look out for. They might be dazzled by a nice uni bar or rooms. But you might want to know where they place students on a business sandwich year or how many in-person contact hours they have, or what the MH support services are like.

Discuss things to look out for/ask about that he might overlook. Maybe suggest he makes a checklist and go over it with him. He probably won't fill it out, but just making it will help remind him to keep an eye out for things he might not otherwise.

Some DC welcome their parents (not overbearing) advice or opinion.
Most 16/17/18 year old DCs have no idea about budgeting 1000s of pounds or the implications of paying back loans over 40 years.
Some universities (and surrounding areas) are more practical to get to via car.
Some DC are disabled or have SEN and need a bit more scaffolding to start with.

On the flip side, some parents simply don't really care and wave their DC off without a second thought on the basis of independence being a good thing (that was my parents btw)

I think you have a very warped view of what overprotective means.

Good for him, wish there were more like him. Parents helicoptering their kids around unis is madness.
You've done a good job with him.

Ha you're so right @ReplenishMyCoffee - they also seem to be convinced that the university experience hasn't changed at all in thirty years 😂

Universities pretty much invite parents to come

Mine did and they’re the same age group 38 - 32. In a couple of cases it involved driving to an airport, flight and train/bus at the other end. Got offers too, so good for them.

Totally agree that the students need to do this, not have parents lurking.
We did drive ours to some visits so we all had a day out and a look at the place.

Weirdly at one open day a spare set of parents latched on to my son, he's very amiable and good natured so let them, but couldn't work out why they didn't have their own kid.
Are uni open days like going round 'for sale' houses for fun? 😂

I went with DD but she was only 16 and it required an overnight stay. DS is now looking. He has gone to three on his own though no overnights required - I would probably have accompanied him if it was. I did drop him off and pick him up from the closest one and noticed there were a lot of parents arriving with their student child and then milling around at my pick up time - it turned out potential students had been separated from parents for most of the day due to space in lecture theatres/tours etc.