My son wants to go to open days alone/with friends

[Mathsmother]

My son in year 12 wants to go to uni open days alone and not with me or my husband. He may go with friends to a couple where they also interested in applying.

We are totally fine about it and rather admire his initiative but when I posted such on Facebook I was told that most students take parents along with them to open days and I really should go. I just wondered why? Surely it is the student’s choice not the parent’s and it is much cheaper for one train ticket (on a young person’s railcard) than two or three tix? The only downside I can see of my son travelling alone at age 17 is that he won’t be able to book a hotel room for the one far-flung uni he had on his list (Edinburgh). Thoughts and experiences welcome xx

Hurray! What a sensible child.

At the open days we went to last year most students had their parents with them. My parents also came on visits with me back in the day and I really wanted to have a nose around at where ds might go. All that said if yours wants to go alone/with friends and you're happy with that then absolutely nothing wrong with it at all - and it's not anyone onFB's business.

Not sure why you posted about it on FB in the first place though?

I think open days are now such commercial events, it can be hard for a 16/17 yo to see through all the free food, sparkling labs ( that only the post grads can use), the clean, shiny flats (that cost more than their loan, and the rooms they can afford are hidden away), the sports facilities (that only those in the main teams can access) etc
A parent can accompany a child, without being overbearing or taking over Q&A sessions etc.
My 2 were clueless the first couple we went on, but it was wonderful seeing how they gained confidence and learnt what questions to ask, and see them chatting with current students about what life was really like.
We had some great chats in the car travelling to and from.
And when they couldn't remember which uni mentioned the whatever, or showed the example of x, we were able to discuss it together.

OP you sound disingenuous. Some people get nervous about stuff and need a bit of support and encouragement. It’s perfectly normal either way.

@fieldsofbutterflies

I don't know anyone who went to university open days with a parent. I genuinely don't know why anyone would. If a group of friends were going to see a university for the day and one of them had their parents traipsing along it would have been horrible. We planned a few trips with different groups and took the train to various universities.

Maybe in England you've got parents hanging over you for longer because they're paying for it so feel they need to call the shots. In Scotland university is free and everyone I knew had a part time job while studying to pay for halls.

lol intimating that parents that have less confident kids (for myriad reasons - see above post re being reductive ) have done a very bad job at parenting.

Ah, Mumsnet. Such a supportive place for parents. 🙄

When we were doing open days with DD (too far for day trips) most kids did have a parent or two, but most of the ones who didn't were lads, alone or in groups.

DD found having one or both of us there useful not just for the logistics but as a second pair of ears, some on to discuss things with etc and they were enjoyable occasions.
Obviously if parents go they shouldn't 'helicopter' - they should be in the background, not the ones doing all the talking for sure!

Also re staying overnight... one of the places DH took her, they stayed in a normal chain hotel but it had some sort of stag party in - he was woken by the sound of blokes in the corridors banging on doors and shouting 'I need a woman to rape'. Fortunately DD slept through it oblivious ... but the sad reality is that young women are more vulnerable to being hassled when travelling alone, and they may not be ready to deal with it when they're 17.

@Seeline that’s what I meant by hard sell in my earlier comment. Much easier for parents to see through that. Your experience pretty much mirrors ours with DS.

Probably the page WIWIKAU. A certain snobbish subset of MNers love to slag off the posters on there, especially the ones that didn’t go to uni themselves and are therefore nervous about the process.

Were open days a thing 30 years ago? My school were rubbish - no support with personal statements or practice interviews, very little information about university at all. I made my choice using the printed prospectus I ordered from the universities. But only a minority of pupils from my school went to uni. We certainly weren’t told about open days. I do remember going to an interview at one by myself and most potential students had parents with them for that. My parents weren’t engaged with it at all. I think the first time they saw my university was when I had already been there a year. Now my own children are going it makes me realise how unsupported I was, probably even for the time.

I think let him go to the open days with his friends. As a parent it's tempting to take the lead in talks to tutors etc, and as your child he will most likely let you. They feel much freer and less self conscious when they are without parents when talking to adults and peers. All of the information you need at this stage is on line, and at the moment it's about getting a feel for the uni, the course, the lifestyle and the transport.
You'll have the opportunity to go to the applicants' days with him. That's where it gets down to the nitty gritty and where they often split off parents and students for separate talks.

I went with a friend, never parents.

This includes ones that involved overnight stays and lots of public transport (we were 16/17) It was both fun and a good way to test my independence.

I went to all but one on my own. They're about to be independent adults, so it's good they're confident. You can do a lot of research about them online if you want to guide decisions. Open days at undergrad level are more about getting a feel for the city I think. You research the university online as of course they will all tell you how great they are at open days!

@Yourethebeerthief it's not "hanging over your child" to want to be involved in their life and to support them if needed 🙄

Well done on raising such a confident and independent young man, OP.

My daughter didn't want me or dad to go with her either. I was a shock but she was more than happy to figure everything out and go with her mates. She did Glasgow and Edinburgh tours. Then chose Stirling Uni without even seeing it . She's applied for her accommodations and living costs loans all by herself and only asked my opinion on what type of housing to go for.

Focus on being proud OP and not your baby not needing you anymore

I would actually caution a bit about going with friends too. Peers have huge influence at that age, more than parents, and this is about making their own decisions. I have heard of youngsters going with friends with the intention to listen to talks on certain degrees and then missing those talks because the friends wanted to go to another talk/thought it wasn’t interesting/wanted to go shopping/wanted to head home.

The DC should lead on the decision. It’s great for them to feel confident enough to do this, OP.

I would agree that if attending alone or eith friends, they might want to work out some questions with their families ahead of time.

Contact hrs, the balance of small group teaching vs large lectures, which mert online and which in person, how the personal tutor/academic advisor system works (if it even exists), etc are important and YP may not always think of these.

Also listen carefully for whether offer holders will likely be expected to meet their offers or whether there may be some flex, bearing in mind that no one is making a promise of the latter!

Sometimes admissions talks contain a lot of faux transparency. You really only care about the hard facts that are presented (including the recent flex in admissions when exam results come out). ‘We consider each applicant as an individual’ is boilerplate in the sense that it’s true, everyone does take care, but it says nothing about how decisions are made. YP attending alone should keep all of this in mind. Then have fun!

The OP's first line says her son wants to go alone.

It is hanging on if your child doesn't want you to go. Many kids start university at 17 in Scotland and the culture here is to go to open days with your friends or alone. I think that's healthier for young adults.

If your child wants you to come along that's fine. But they'd stick out like a sore thumb here. I have young people in my family at various stages of university education just now and they didn't ask their parents to go along with them. They did the same as I did and all my friends, so it's definitely still not the norm here.

There are often threads on Mumsnet about the younger generation struggling in the workplace and I don't think parents tagging along to things like this, which should be opportunities to spread their wings and gain independence, helps them at all.

@Yourethebeerthief yes, I know that 1 I was speaking generally as the thread had moved on somewhat and had turned into a load of unpleasantness towards any parent who wanted to attend why their child.

I hope your DH called the police as that awful.

Well, even your phrasing here is why I said "hanging on"

It's not about the parents. If your child wants you to come along then fair enough I suppose. But I'd be taking that as an opportunity to consider why they want you to come along. Might be a good time to reflect on your parenting and their development if they need a parent to come with them to a university open day.

As I said before, in England parents might feel they need to call the shots as they're the ones paying. That's a shame for their kids.

Some of my friends' kids have gone alone/with their mates, and others have gone with parents - I don't think there's a norm as such.

Were open days a thing 30 years ago?

I'm not sure. When I was applying in the late 70s, I wasn't aware of any 'open days' but more unis interviewed. Parents might drive kids or accompany on journeys but they wouldn't be able to do more than walk around the campus. I was fine going to the interview in London as I'd been on the train and tube in the past and it was a daytrip, but for a couple of others on adjacent days it was coach, stay, train, stay, train back in unfamiliar areas - my DM came with me, visited old friends in the first city and enjoyed exploring the second.

It is hanging on if your child doesn't want you to go. Many kids start university at 17 in Scotland and the culture here is to go to open days with your friends or alone. I think that's healthier for young adults.

The open days my DS has attended, and that I attended with DD have been in Scotland and there have been a large number of parents present. You absolutely would not ‘stick out like a sore thumb’. It is very much the norm in Scotland for parents to attend too.

My DS went alone. Feedback is that going with a bunch of friends is often worse than with parents as it becomes a fun day out with them rather than a chance to make a considered judgement of their own.

He sounds very wise and sensible. Especially the trying out the train journey bit.

I remember my uni visits with parents in the early 80s. Dad drove us. I remember what I wore. I sat with them and talked to them because I was shy.

I wish now I'd gone alone. I'd have had to interact more with others, and I was quite reserved throughout my uni years and looking back feel I was too backward-looking.

I moved straight back to the parents house when I graduated for a year before finding work and striking out alone. Something of a late launcher.

I do think him going solo will be the more positive move for him. Though obviously not for you; and that's the point ... This isn't about you.