My son wants to go to open days alone/with friends

[Mathsmother]

My son in year 12 wants to go to uni open days alone and not with me or my husband. He may go with friends to a couple where they also interested in applying.

We are totally fine about it and rather admire his initiative but when I posted such on Facebook I was told that most students take parents along with them to open days and I really should go. I just wondered why? Surely it is the student’s choice not the parent’s and it is much cheaper for one train ticket (on a young person’s railcard) than two or three tix? The only downside I can see of my son travelling alone at age 17 is that he won’t be able to book a hotel room for the one far-flung uni he had on his list (Edinburgh). Thoughts and experiences welcome xx

I'm not expecting to go with my oldest when they start looking next year - I think going and looking at unis on your own is an important stage of independence. For me, it was the first time I travelled around a lot on trains - will be buying them a railcard now they've turned 16.

@Echobelly if your DC was going to leave home instead of going to uni would you not go with them to view a flat they were going to live in, not go with them if they were buying a car etc?

Many years ago now, but I went to about 3 open days with a parent. My parent took me, but treated it as a day out and did a bit of sightseeing while I looked at the uni, they didn't come into any talks with me. I think it's fine for your child to do this if it's what they'd prefer.

Well, up to a point, Lord Copper.

From a university POV (and I've been an Admissions Tutor and/or Head of Department at several RG universities over the last 30 years) - we started catering for parents because they started demanding it (I can remember being told quite crossly at one interview day that "At Liverpool, they put on a whole programme for parents").

The attitude some posters on this thread - "I'm the parent who's paying for this, therefore I have the right to choose/input etc etc etc" - is more & more common. It's understandable, but not always a productive attitude to help prospective students choose.

As tutors, we have a relationship with the student, not their parents. And this should be at the front of any parent's thinking as well.

That's true. The open days I went to with my two had several talks aimed at parents. I found some of them quite useful plus it gave me something to do while they were in the course-specific talks.

TBH until I read this thread I didn't even know parents went to the course-specific stuff. I'm pretty sure the unis we went to see made it quite clear that the course talks were for prospective students, not their parents.

One of my DC has already left home and the other's leaving next week. It wouldn't even occur to me to go to flat viewings with them unless they specifically asked me to. The first time I see these places is when I help them move in.

I never invited my mum to come to flat viewings with me - did you?

@HowardTJMoon I did when I first left home and was single. Valued my parents’ opinion. Bit like when I bought my first house.

Well done your son and well done you for raising a confident child. I wish more young people were like this.

@HowardTJMoon DS sorted out his second year flat at uni without us being there but did send us a link and we gave him questions he needed to ask. We are also guarantors so have to be involved in some way

I didn't take my parents to open days when I was looking round.

I sent dd off to an open day at the local uni when she was 18you and she did ring me in tears saying she didn't know what was going on and where she was meant to be so I had to race over, but she wasn't a very confident 18yo.

One thing I find quite interesting on here is when you get parents suddenly realising they might have to help fund their offspring through university! Many threads on that and see it in Facebook too. Maybe if those parents had gone to uni Open days they would have found out sooner!

I think it depends on the circumstances and the child really.

My DS went with his school to visit Oxford Uni.

He went on his own to a city centre Uni that was easy to get to by public transport (main line railway station, same main line as our home town so a quick and easy journey, and Uni within walking distance of station).

We took him to a couple of out of town campus Unis that weren't easily accessible by public transport - yes they'd put on shuttle buses from the train station, but the railway journey to get there from our home town was a complicated/fragmented one with two changes, took about four hours, and cost an arm and a leg, whereas we were there, door to door, by car in just two hours!

We stood back when we were with him, sent him off on his own for lab tours etc., stayed outside the lecture theatre a couple of times when they were clearly full to bursting so that more students could get in, and did a couple of "parents only" talks whilst he just wandered around on his own.

I think having that kind of mix worked well for us and him. We'd not gone to Uni ourselves, so we could see what kind of facilities they had, what campuses looked like, and also benefitted from a few of the parental or generic talks. He had best of all Worlds really, one on his own, one with his school, and a couple with us. I think that kind of mix works really well.

Another thing to consider MH issues with our young is going through the roof at the moment, suicide rates at university bit of a hot topic. Nice and reassuring for parents to find out about pastoral support available.

Maybe some of you would argue that our young people need to be more resilient and that’s why their MH is shot to pieces and parents need to leave them on their own to sort themselves out.

It's great he wants to go alone, shows his confidence and maturity. It's his decision if he wants to go to uni, and where. He could stay in a hostel in Edinburgh. I find it weird nowadays how involved parents seem to be in the lives and choices of their older teens and young adults.

DD just went with friends as she preferred that and went fine.

When I did mine parents came but were rural so no transport options plus Mum liked to manage everything though by far the best one was the one were they asked my Dad to leave, got 30 mins chatting to them myself then and went for that one.

Yes, that's a very good point. A child may not really think too much about the pastoral/MH/health support available as they probably won't think they'll need it, so any mentions during talks etc will probably go over their heads. But that kind of thing is fundamentally important for the parent to know about, so that they can help find their child the support they may need if things go bad.

I think Covid showed that lots of students simply didn't know, and didn't think to explore what support was available for when they were struggling, either by contracting Covid themselves and having to isolate, or by the way so much was closed down on campuses which led to depression due to lack of activities/lack of socialising/lack of clubs/societies/sports, etc, etc. Sadly a couple of students on my son's course killed themselves during their first term at Uni (Autumn 2020 when everything was online and the campus was virtually a ghost town with virtually everything shut).

True, mine did send links saying "We're going to see this place tonight!" kind of thing and occasionally asked my opinion.

If they had ever asked me to go to a viewing with them then I'd happily do so. I'm just mildly baffled that some people seem to go along as a matter of course.

DH did go to the offer holders day though with DH and we knew her first preference fairly well.

I think your son and yourselves have the right of it.

Yes, many students take their parents along - my son told me so after his first open day . How we worked it was, I drove him up, dropped him off, went into the city centre and had a lovely time to myself walking around an unfamiliar city. He texted me when he was finished, I picked him up, and he told me what he thought of that uni on our drive home.

He also told me with some humour that where someone had their parents in tow, it was the parents asking all the questions.

I imagine that the people on Facebook telling you that you should really go, are the ones who would be asking all the questions.

Remember there are plenty of mature students at university - a friend just graduated from the same university her daughter attends (chosen as local, not because her daughter attends, different faculty). I also have a couple of friends inspired to return to study after attending open days. If universities need bums on seats and want diversity then they should see parents as potential students in their own right and sell themselves direct to them too.

My DDs had plenty of friends who viewed unis with friends. I would say though that they had a small shortlist and knew pretty much what they wanted. I went with DDs but mainly for driving purposes. I disagree that parents should attend subject talks. They can clog up seats and really should let dc do this on their own, but chat afterwards. You do notice the helicopters flying all day though!

Never went near any accommodation for subsequent years - including flats selected abroad!! Students really can make sensible decisions within their budget. Never looked at halls either. Just web site info and location on a map.

In the 90s I got my dad to drive me to open days and sent him off to explore the city and studenty areas while I went to the academic bit (which he knew nothing about). It is now the norm for parents to come to everything but it's not ideal. I started working at universities in the mid 2000s and we had to start putting on special parents' talks at open days purely to get the parents away from their kids, so the kids would actually talk to us about the course. So don't assume that if there are events for parents it's because you're meant to be there!

It depends on a couple of things. Firstly how knowledgable and confident is your DS about the uni options available. Given their ability level and subject interests, are they properly aware of the different courses available and wanting to look at good or best options available for them?

Secondly, as a parent, how confident are you about all this? If you know their subject and about the unis and have discussed it and feel your DC has shortlisted good places, then you could feel confident to let them look and decide. But if you yourself don’t know much, you might feel that it would be helpful all round to go too. You will want to know your DS has made a good choice given the future implications and cost of it all.

Families vary. Some teens are extremely capable and independent. Many are less so. It is a big decision and so one not to be taken lightly. Many would feel a second pair of eyes and a bit of discussion after an open day could be useful. Some teens are up for discussing with parents and see that as useful. Others don’t think parents have anything to add or can be immature about just wanting a day out with mates. Some don’t engage with the topic of courses and places as they should given the cost implications on themselves.

I think you have to know yourself and your own level of knowledge and confidence about the process and also to know your own child’s ability to make this big decision.

Some families will have done lots of chatting about courses and unis for several years. A shortlist has already been drawn up which is sensible and further discussions will be held after the visits have happened. The child will be open to hear thoughts of parents and consider them. The parent will be open to the child making final decision, knowing all of the possibilities are decent.

But other parents have no idea. The teen also has no idea. No-one engages properly at all. This is where kids end up on the crap courses the government wants to shut down - they dont realise they are crap courses.

Knowledge is power. The teens need knowledge to make good decisions. Some can generate. All that knowledge totally by themselves. Most would benefit from a level of parental input. This can vary.

As others say, most young adults might have a parent look at a property they’d like to buy or maybe a car. They might not go with what their parent thinks in the end, but they’d ask for input from their parents and not their friends. This could be seen as similar.

I’d also say that university open days are pretty full-on. Getting there, getting to grips with what’s on and where ahead of time, then getting between the various places is quite an effort.

Especially with ones a distance away, you definitely want to to get the most out of the day as you may well never go again.

Going with friends who might be interested in different things and courses could create a conflict if interests and some people missing out on things that are relevant to them, as they try to stick together/it becomes more of a social day out.

I’d agree with a PP that a first or early Open Day with family or school could be useful. It might help the teen get the most out of subsequent ones alone.

When parents do go, I think it’s really important that the teens choose the events to attend and drive it as much as possible. But in order to do that, they need to do some prep. That means having read about the course and accom so they know what they want to look at. They need to know what other things they’d like to see. Not all teens will have done this before going. Of course they all should but in reality some won’t. A parent going can help make it more useful. Or a parent can help by organising the journey and some of the getting between A and B and C on the day, so the teen can focus on looking at stuff and gathering info, rather than logistics, which can be overwhelming to teens not used to negotiating unfamiliar cities.

I suppose you have to think about what is it that they are trying g to achieve through the visit. Can it be best achieved by them alone, or with friends or with family?

Taking a parent is fine if you want to. Going alone is fine if you want to. Doing a mix of the two is fine if you want to.

There's no 'right' or 'wrong' answer to this. What I would say is that accompanying your DC (at their request) does not in and of itself indicate over-involvement or helicoptoring. As a parent it is perfectly possible to accompany your DC and not give an opinion about anything unless specifically asked for it.