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Original poster

My son not thriving at Cambridge

267 replies

Masalamother · 22/05/2024 03:37

My son is 1st year at Cambridge and got all A stars at A levels. He was so pleased to get offer but reality is different. His school friends at other universities doing same course (Durham and Nottingham) have much less work and more fun time. He says they are getting firsts in assessments but he is only getting a 2.1 - even though he topped them easily at school. His course is harder - 2 essays a week whereas they do one a fortnight. He was always told to apply for the best university but now thinks he should have gone to a lesser one as degree class is what counts. I don’t know what to say to him. He probably should have had a year out because he seems very burnt out and disillusioned… All degrees are not the same - he/we never realised that! The advice of his teachers to “be aspirational” was simplistic

OP posts:
disaggregate · 22/05/2024 10:39

Masalamother · 22/05/2024 03:37

My son is 1st year at Cambridge and got all A stars at A levels. He was so pleased to get offer but reality is different. His school friends at other universities doing same course (Durham and Nottingham) have much less work and more fun time. He says they are getting firsts in assessments but he is only getting a 2.1 - even though he topped them easily at school. His course is harder - 2 essays a week whereas they do one a fortnight. He was always told to apply for the best university but now thinks he should have gone to a lesser one as degree class is what counts. I don’t know what to say to him. He probably should have had a year out because he seems very burnt out and disillusioned… All degrees are not the same - he/we never realised that! The advice of his teachers to “be aspirational” was simplistic

He sounds stressed and highly focussed on his grades.
Getting a 2.1 in 1st year is fine, and he'll have a long summer break coming up during which he will hopefully be able to relax a bit and have more fun.
I'd say it's important for him - and maybe with your support - to think about how he'll spend his summer so that it helps him develop some perspective, resilience and maybe maturity.

Lint6 · 22/05/2024 11:00

Happiness is all. If he wants to go elsewhere maybe he should. His problem really will be that if he has a year out, he'll then be 2 years older than a lot of the other freshers. One of my DD's friends is at Cambridge. She's happier than your son sounds, but she's found the workload a bit full on and thinks the 8 week terms are a big reason. Given her time again she says she definitely wouldn't pick Cambridge. It really isn't for everyone.

IdisagreeMrHochhauser · 22/05/2024 11:01

Degree class isn't the most important. A Cambridge degree always opens doors although less than they used to.

I got a 2.1 from Cambridge and it's always been highly respected.

Austrocock · 22/05/2024 11:37

He should stop comparing himself to the others. That is not helping.
As long as he gets a 2:1 from Cambridge he will be a very good position to get a good job afterwards. If burn out/stress is going to cause him to get a 2:2 or third that's not good and in that case it might be a good idea to consider moving.

Cambridge takes excellent students from all over the country and that means that people who have been top of their class at school will find that they are now in the middle or even towards the bottom of the cohort and that can be a shock. Maybe he is struggling with that.

Do you think he is struggling with his mental health or is it more a case of a bit of envy that others are getting better grades and having more fun?

poetryandwine · 22/05/2024 11:45

Lint6 · 22/05/2024 11:00

Happiness is all. If he wants to go elsewhere maybe he should. His problem really will be that if he has a year out, he'll then be 2 years older than a lot of the other freshers. One of my DD's friends is at Cambridge. She's happier than your son sounds, but she's found the workload a bit full on and thinks the 8 week terms are a big reason. Given her time again she says she definitely wouldn't pick Cambridge. It really isn't for everyone.

If a change is really right, chances are decent that this can be effected into Y2 for Autumn 2024: there should be good Russell Group universities where the curriculum aligns sufficiently with the Cambridge curriculum to allow for Y2 entry. As an RG admissions tutor (in STEM) I arranged this several times for Oxbridge transfers

Even if DS needs a gap year for reasons of MH I hope he will consider whether he wants Y1or Y2 entry.

I agree fully that DS should be where he will best thrive. Whether I would equate that with ‘happiness’ as the word is commonly used, particularly in light of his stated issues, I am honestly not sure.

SeriaMau · 22/05/2024 12:13

I was pretty lazy in my first year at Oxford. Worked harder in the next years and came out with an upper 2nd. Nobody really cared about my degree level, but interviewers and colleagues were impressed by Oxford. Your DS will regret it if he abandons his course for an easier life.

ErrolTheDragon · 22/05/2024 12:21

If a change is really right, chances are decent that this can be effected into Y2 for Autumn 2024: there should be good Russell Group universities where the curriculum aligns sufficiently with the Cambridge curriculum to allow for Y2 entry. As an RG admissions tutor (in STEM) I arranged this several times for Oxbridge transfers

Are the likes of Durham necessarily always happy to take students who've decided oxbridge isn't for them?

RB68 · 22/05/2024 12:24

Its not uncommon for people to transfer and I think its positive and proactive to emotionally understand yourself to know you are not happy and to do something about it. I would look at other courses visit a couple and have discussions about transferring. It is also helpful to have friends already in the other places as an in to the friendship scene even if it doesn't stick long term

IdisagreeMrHochhauser · 22/05/2024 12:28

What you have to remember is that Cambridge is intense - the terms are shorter than other universities, you have lots of essays - my degree averaged 2.5 per week, and supervisions with sometimes only one other student so you can't hide. You have to know your stuff or suffer the embarrassment. It's supposed to be intense and this is why it is considered to be one of the best. At the end of three years he will come out with lots of skills and a resilience that he might not get elsewhere.

No, not all degrees are the same and if it was really all just based on degree class - it isn't - then no-one would risk Oxbridge and would opt for an easy course somewhere else. The fact that they don't shows you that Oxbridge still holds some cachet.

ErrolTheDragon · 22/05/2024 12:28

Re the '8 week term' thing...
Maybe it varies with course but my perception was that this isn't in reality so very much shorter than elsewhere. The 8 weeks are just the 'full terms' during which lectures and labs occur ...'whole term' is longer, iirc DDs first year accommodation was 30 weeks and she opted for 39 weeks thereafter. She had some supos and mock exams outside of the 8 week 'full terms'. Xmas and Easter vacs allowed for some time off but also consolidation, revision etc.

Soñando25 · 22/05/2024 12:37

Exactly as others have said, it's not unusual to be the highest performing student at school and then to be somewhere in the middle of the cohort at Cambridge.
Unless your son is extremely unhappy, I'd encourage him to at least reappraise over the summer. As others have also said, switching course might be an option for him too.

poetryandwine · 22/05/2024 12:38

ErrolTheDragon · 22/05/2024 12:21

If a change is really right, chances are decent that this can be effected into Y2 for Autumn 2024: there should be good Russell Group universities where the curriculum aligns sufficiently with the Cambridge curriculum to allow for Y2 entry. As an RG admissions tutor (in STEM) I arranged this several times for Oxbridge transfers

Are the likes of Durham necessarily always happy to take students who've decided oxbridge isn't for them?

We are stronger than Durham in my subject and I think there is a rough equivalence between our standing (just below COWI in STEM) and the standing of Durham in many essay based subjects, which OP has indicated that DS is doing.

Durham are snootier than we are, so that is an unknown. Still, there are many other excellent universities I expect would be very happy to welcome a C student who got a 2.1 in Y1 into Y2. I would expect the DS could stroll into Nottingham Y2 if the curricula align but he might also consider a more selective environment - nothing against Nottingham

TemuSpecialBuy · 22/05/2024 12:43

A 2.1 from Cambridge is better than a non oxbridge first.

oxbridge is not for everyone.
In fact i think it was fairly damaging for a few of my mates and left them with huge feelings of inadequacy which is nuts when you think about it...

He should complete first year if he hasnt already and decide to either stick it out or getting going and transfer out to durham, warwick, bristol.

Amx · 22/05/2024 12:53

Ignore the advice that a degree from Durham is as respected as a degree from Cambridge. It's simply not true.

Allshallbewell2021 · 22/05/2024 13:00

The university will have very good quality counseling and support services if your ds can be persuaded.

Such a big decision should be taken with broad advice. Mates can love promoting FOMO but the reality is often very different.

My niece left a great school (breaking my sister's heart) to go to a much less academic school using the same FOMO tactics. She regretted enormously later.

There is no perfect answer - he's got into a world class uni so it's worth giving it a full year and have a big think over the summer.

disaggregate · 22/05/2024 13:03

TemuSpecialBuy · 22/05/2024 12:43

A 2.1 from Cambridge is better than a non oxbridge first.

oxbridge is not for everyone.
In fact i think it was fairly damaging for a few of my mates and left them with huge feelings of inadequacy which is nuts when you think about it...

He should complete first year if he hasnt already and decide to either stick it out or getting going and transfer out to durham, warwick, bristol.

Does it not depend what it's better for?
If it's a job application, then experience, interview performance and so on will also count; if for a postgraduate course there are other factors that will come into play - Cambridge is not absolutely top in every discipline...etc. So I wouldn't get completely hung up on this, post-graduation experience and qualifications as well as what you do while in university can play a large role in success.

defnotadomesticgoddess · 22/05/2024 13:04

My dd is at Cambridge in the same year as your son. She got all a stars in GCSE’s and a levels and a first in the first degree she did at another uni. She’s found this year very hard. It’s taken some time to find ways of working that are sustainable and has now accepted that she won’t get 100% in everything. What she’s found very helpful is getting support from her colleges wellbeing team and her college library has librarians who have helped her structure her study time to be more realistic. She’s also asked her dos and tutor for advice on how to cope with the massive workload. It does also depend on the degree - she has 10 exams at the end of this year, one of her friends doing a different course only has 1 exam. Also when she spoke to others on her course it turned out everyone was finding it hard not just her, which made her feel better. For your son I would suggest he speaks to his tutor, dos, librarians and wellbeing team. He’s almost at the end of the year so I would do the exams and see his he gets on. My dd also found out it’s not unusual for students to fail some of the exams, they can resit them it’s not the end of the world. 💐

BritainDoesNotAppearToHaveTalent · 22/05/2024 13:04

Amx · 22/05/2024 12:53

Ignore the advice that a degree from Durham is as respected as a degree from Cambridge. It's simply not true.

I agree with the above. That said Oxbridge is not for everyone and it’s hard to tell before you go. A 2:1 from any university in the top 10/20 for your subject will open many doors. We cannot all be prime minister!

RisingMist · 22/05/2024 13:05

A typical Cambridge student got A stars in their A Levels and were often top in their subject at school. However, in most cases they will then have to accept being just average at Cambridge, or perhaps below average. In order to thrive, students need to have a real passion for studying their subject, and not just enjoy being known for being good at it. That said, I think your son should stick with the course. All the hard work will be well worth it in the end.

TemuSpecialBuy · 22/05/2024 13:09

disaggregate · 22/05/2024 13:03

Does it not depend what it's better for?
If it's a job application, then experience, interview performance and so on will also count; if for a postgraduate course there are other factors that will come into play - Cambridge is not absolutely top in every discipline...etc. So I wouldn't get completely hung up on this, post-graduation experience and qualifications as well as what you do while in university can play a large role in success.

Show quote history

That's fair enough.

i supoose i am thinking about the sectors im familar with (corporate, tech) where people generally are applying for roles not related to degree and also law sector... which LOVES oxbridge.

In all 3 sectors oxbridge will work in your favour and also in a international job role.
bristol warwick durham wont work against you at all and are stil good just dont have the same prestige

poetryandwine · 22/05/2024 13:10

defnotadomesticgoddess · 22/05/2024 13:04

My dd is at Cambridge in the same year as your son. She got all a stars in GCSE’s and a levels and a first in the first degree she did at another uni. She’s found this year very hard. It’s taken some time to find ways of working that are sustainable and has now accepted that she won’t get 100% in everything. What she’s found very helpful is getting support from her colleges wellbeing team and her college library has librarians who have helped her structure her study time to be more realistic. She’s also asked her dos and tutor for advice on how to cope with the massive workload. It does also depend on the degree - she has 10 exams at the end of this year, one of her friends doing a different course only has 1 exam. Also when she spoke to others on her course it turned out everyone was finding it hard not just her, which made her feel better. For your son I would suggest he speaks to his tutor, dos, librarians and wellbeing team. He’s almost at the end of the year so I would do the exams and see his he gets on. My dd also found out it’s not unusual for students to fail some of the exams, they can resit them it’s not the end of the world. 💐

This is a great post, OP.

Araminta1003 · 22/05/2024 13:12

There are also many things about Cambridge uni that actually can make life much easier for students than at other unis which has to be acknowledged and not taken for granted.
For example, some colleges guarantee accommodation for 3 years very close to dining halls that offer food on tap at reasonable prices (including cooked breakfasts). Most teaching is very good and you are not likely going to encounter a sub par tutor or lecturer nor are you going to be struggling to find resources. And if you want to do societies/extra curricular etc and even careers advice, all very very strong and on tap. And some colleges have gyms/tennis courts etc etc. The opportunities are endless and easy to access and sometimes students forget that not all other unis are going to provide that, far from it.

disaggregate · 22/05/2024 13:15

TemuSpecialBuy · 22/05/2024 13:09

That's fair enough.

i supoose i am thinking about the sectors im familar with (corporate, tech) where people generally are applying for roles not related to degree and also law sector... which LOVES oxbridge.

In all 3 sectors oxbridge will work in your favour and also in a international job role.
bristol warwick durham wont work against you at all and are stil good just dont have the same prestige

Edited
Show quote history

Fair enough!
Even so, I just don't imagine very many scenarios where there's a competition between a disembodied 2.1 from Cambridge and a first from Durham.
I also hate the thought of these clever 18-19 year olds feeling very stressed that they're 'only' getting a 2.1 in their Cambridge assignments/exams. I hope the OP's son feels supported in the university and is just having a small sense of FOMO.

ErrolTheDragon · 22/05/2024 13:17

Araminta1003 · 22/05/2024 13:12

There are also many things about Cambridge uni that actually can make life much easier for students than at other unis which has to be acknowledged and not taken for granted.
For example, some colleges guarantee accommodation for 3 years very close to dining halls that offer food on tap at reasonable prices (including cooked breakfasts). Most teaching is very good and you are not likely going to encounter a sub par tutor or lecturer nor are you going to be struggling to find resources. And if you want to do societies/extra curricular etc and even careers advice, all very very strong and on tap. And some colleges have gyms/tennis courts etc etc. The opportunities are endless and easy to access and sometimes students forget that not all other unis are going to provide that, far from it.

Ha, yes. In her second year DD was low in the ballot, so rather than a college room she was in a rented house. But, it was rented by the college - no dealing with landlords, didn't have to pay over the summer, and they had a cleaner. Very different from much privately rented student accommodation...she and some friends chose to do that in their 4th year because of covid so she's aware of the previous years' privilege

Panicmode1 · 22/05/2024 13:29

@Masalamother I completely empathise with your post - my son is in his second year of studying engineering at Cambridge and found it difficult in his first year. He knew it would be hard work, knew that he would no longer be the cleverest, but I think that the immense pressure and the short terms were a shock to him. He also got four A stars in his A levels and is used to working his socks off - but the way that the system works and the way that exam questions are structured and graded, has taken him some time to adjust to. He too was slightly regretting not taking up his Imperial offer, thinking that longer terms may have been better.

Fast forward to now, he's about to finish his second year, and we are in completely different territory - he's realised he's not going to get a first and has made peace with that, and is living life to the full - as much as he can - around his workload.

I know that they HATE taking help or seeking advice from their DoS or tutors, particularly on the academic side because they see it is a 'failure', but that is what they are there for. Perhaps you can encourage your DS to have a chat with someone on the pastoral side, it may help him realise he's actually doing better than he thinks.

And then it's the long vac, and maybe over the break he can reassess how he's feeling and go back refreshed in October. At least they know what to expect in the second and subsequent years - I think it comes at them so fast in the first one! If he's REALLY unhappy and not sure - could he intermit? DS had a couple of friends who did this after their second term, but came back readier in their 'second' year - although this is potentially tricky with funding.