Misery at Exeter

[ExeterWoes]

Looking for perspectives really. And I've namechanged as I had a very identifying thread back in the day...

My daughter was thrilled to get A's at A level and get her firm choice of Exeter uni. She's been wanting to go for years and when we visited on offers day she was really excited at the thought of going there. We went to all her offer uni open days and Exeter won her heart (offers were from Sheffield, UEA, Sussex and York as well as Exeter). She worked really hard because she was so focussed on getting her offer grades.

I took her there on Saturday, she moved in to her room in her chosen halls - great room, great view, everything she was hoping for. Flatmates seemed a bit unfriendly but we wrote it off as nerves.

She has just called me in tears and is hating it. She feels like it really isn't the place for her. She's been out with people, she's talked to loads of societies, she just totally feels like a fish out of water. For the record she is quite alternative looking - short hair, piercings, a few (small) tattoos, dresses in baggy tees, combats and sweatshirts. She feels she really doesn't fit in and is not feeling very welcomed by either her flatmates or any of the societies she's been interested in. She's also gay and very open about it which she feels has made her an outlier in her apartment. She's not sporty and never has been so meeting friends that way isn't an option.

She has already spoken to UEA which was her second favourite and they will take her for her chosen course but she has to make the decision by tomorrow midday... which is very soon. Also there's no accommodation left on campus, only in Norwich centre which feels like it could be another mistake if she's away from everyone else. I'm not so worried about UEA itself - I loved it there on the offer visit and I remember saying to her that it felt like a fantastic place to go. I also think she may actually be happier there... just a feeling though, I have no real proof of this.

My son, who is just about to start second year at Sheffield Uni, thinks she should give it another week/two weeks and then drop out and take a year out rather than make a hurried decision to go to UEA. He had a gap year and loved it, loved applying with grades in hand but then he did his A'levels in 2021 and loads of them had a gap year just to have a bit of normal life after covid lockdown times. He also landed himself an ace job in the industry he wanted to work in eventually so it wasn't a hardship for him. He also said he always thought Exeter was a weird choice for her.

She's quite fragile - has had history of self harm and depression and the last thing I want for her is to be unhappy. But equally, I don't want her to rush into something she may regret. Neither my husband or myself went to uni - we are so proud of her but we have no real experience in this.

It's so far away from us too - I can't just get in the car and go to her.

My DD hated her arrival in Manchester and I encouraged her to give it a term. She was very fragile (but without a history of self harm or mental health issues). I went up every couple of weeks or she came home briefly - I also got her a counsellor. It wasn't really till half way through the second term that she settled and in the end she absolutely loved her time there. She became the life and soul of the party with lots of friends in different circles.

Maybe the time frames sound long if you think your DD is very fragile and suffering but I'd try to persuade her to give it a term and then decide to take the year out if it's not worked out and do as your DS has suggested. I think rushing to move and living off campus would not be a good idea and to feel that it had not worked out in two places would be even worse.

I feel for you - it's very hard knowing your child is unhappy. I'm sure you are giving her brilliant support.

You know your daughter best but...
You say this is her dream. And now she wants to give up on her dream because she's not met friends within 72 hours of being there.
I don't think that's a reason to give up.
She needs to give the course a go. She needs to meet more people than her flatmates and randoms pushing their societies at Freshers.
I remember 30+ years ago finding Freshers overwhelming because there's such a pressure to meet people and make friends and find uni fantastic and brilliant and have the best time of your life... and I did but it took a few weeks before I realised that it was going to happen.
I think the most helpful post you've had is the one about seeking help from the welfare team. I bet she won't be the only one and maybe they can put her in touch with others who are feeling similar.
Obviously if she needs to leave she needs to leave - but I would be worried that she would regret it and spend years thinking that she couldn't cut it after all and that her primary school was right. And they weren't. So if she was going to leave then I would think it's best to do it later if she still realises that it's not for her but that she was perfectly good enough for it (sorry if that sounds convoluted!)

Normally I'd be advising she needs to give it longer, she will find her like-minded people, but Exeter has it's reputation for a reason and so it is likely to take longer or be more difficult somewhere like there. It doesn't bode well that she's met the LGBT society and found they're not for her.

What were her reasons for choosing Exeter? Is the course ranked more highly or were they just asking for higher entry grades? If she liked UEA and Exeter, I'm guessing she's drawn to the green campus. Of campus might not be terrible this year at UEA if she will be housed with the students they've had to move off campus due to Raac being found in the oldest accommodation. Having visited UEA recently with DC2, I think it's a great uni and their live music offering might draw more alternative people there. I also sometimes visit Norwich for work and love the city and I see many students who have an alternative or artsy style.

Norwich also has Norwich University of the Arts (NUA) based in the city centre, which adds to the arty vibe around there.

https://norwichuni.ac.uk/

I had exactly the same experience as your daughter. Things haven't changed, no surprise. I got through the 3 years and found my tribe etc. However when I went to uea for post-grad I saw the contrast and felt pretty sad for myself. Half the experience of student life is existing on baked beans and stretching a budget. Exeter was not like that. I felt poor and to a large extent excluded (in debt, WC with a strong accent). It changed how I felt about myself and not in a good way. I'm sure I would have found any uni stressful and upsetting but I do believe I missed out on something at Exeter. I still love the place however and have fond memories of the campus.

Following up on my post though to say if she stays and continues to give it a go, she has every right to be there, and good for her. She should try to meet up with some coursemates. My DD wanted to come home in her first week as she has.a group of unfriendly flatmates, but she made friends with coursemates and that made a big difference. She also was disappointed with the society she'd planned to join but kept trying things.until she found a fit for her.

God, I hated university when I first went. I was desperately homesick, and my accommodation was awful - full of people playing loud music and getting drunk and having ONS. It was one of the worst experiences of my life. My mum said I should stick it out for a term and then I would at least have given it a proper go. By the end of the first term, my hatred of university had abated enough for me to give the second term a go. By the time I left at the end of my final year, I cried all the way home because I didn't want to leave.

The things that really helped me, OP, were:

Not going home until I had got to a stage where I wouldn't have just stayed there and not gone back (my mum and dad and siblings and dogs came to visit me a couple of times instead).

Starting my course as I ended up meeting all my friends that way - though they didn't really become proper friends until about Easter of the first year. I didn't make any friends in my accommodation. And Freshers was sheer hell for a teetotal virgin who most enjoyed going to bed early with a cup of tea and a book.

I would also try not to judge/stereotype the 'posh kids'. I was a poster-book 'posh girl', but l had nothing at all in common with the loud, showy-offy people (who came from all backgrounds, btw).

I'm now 50 and I still see my university friends a couple of times a year even though we are geographically scattered.

There are too many expectations for people to jump in and love university immediately. The truth is that it's really hard for loads of young people, and there is merit in gritting your teeth and giving it a proper try. It's part of building resilience.

You say this is her dream. And now she wants to give up on her dream because she's not met friends within 72 hours of being there.

This is not quite accurate. She feels out of place there, she feels like she doesn't fit in. Her flat mates being unfriendly is making this feeling of not fitting in even worse. She has one friend there who lives in a building across from her so she's not johnny no mates, just worried about the culture being one she can't see herself coping in.

I'm about to ring her... last night she was determined to go but after a sleep and a chat with her mate maybe things have changed a bit.

Obviously if she needs to leave she needs to leave - but I would be worried that she would regret it and spend years thinking that she couldn't cut it after all and that her primary school was right. And they weren't.

This actually made me cry. She had a breakdown in one of her SATS and it followed her around like a bad smell up until she did A'levels. Being really great at her chosen subjects gave her such confidence and resilience.

You are so right - she deserves her place there.

Hope she’s okay OP.
just wanted to add - my DD did a term at Sussex then dropped out , I think just long enough that she was charged fees and an extra term accommodation 🙄
she took a year out then went back to a different Uni that she had really liked on open days. All worked out really well, loads of great friends, a 1st not that it matters but she was happy.
three years is a long time and a lot of money to spend in the wrong place.
Uni can be an amazing, life changing time and IMO it’s worth getting it right ( right enough, nothing will be perfect of course).

I'm the poster that recommended the guitar shop....my DD is a geography fresher elsewhere. She's started met her tutor group yesterday, all lovely, got her field trip details ( sounds like a scout expedition), medium workload so will be busy but not stressed.
Geography students do get forced to muck in together, it's a great course/ department for making friends. She couldn't have chosen better.

I'm waiting to speak to mine, it's been 24 hours since our last chat and I'm trying desperately to be cool and hands off whilst over analysing her BeReal background.

Having just read your last update @ExeterWoes I do urge your daughter to give it a little bit longer. Of course it's important she is happy but freshers week has so little structure, all problems are amplified. She should really see how things are once classes start.
There is at least some similarity with how your DD feels and how my DS was when he first went to St Andrews. I'm not going lie, he still doesn't really fit with the vibe of the place but he has found enough "normal people" (his phrase not mine) that he is happy enough but his real social life is when he's back down south for the holidays.
It may be that your DD will never feel like an Exeter person but if she loves the course, meets at least some people she can relate to, she can at least reflect as she comes to the end of the first year, whether on balance she should move to another uni. But it will be a considered, informed decision, not one made in panic (and I don't blame her for that panic BTW).

@ExeterWoes Keeping everything crossed your DD had a better night’s sleep and things are looking brighter this morning.

The geography crew will probably be nice. It takes time, a few days is nothing. I don’t think I stayed good friends with any of the people I met in my first week. The true connections came later.
LGBT society, I get why it exists but sexuality is rarely the main basis for how we choose our friends. Societies are normally led by the people you’d want to spend least time with so she should attend and look out for the less full on members.
UEA has its own issues not least the housing and finance problems. My friends child (also gay) didn’t last there and was home within a month. So no guarantees wherever you choose to go.
Exeter is a big university and there will be her people there, almost certainly. It’s going to be about sitting tight, being patient and putting herself out there just a little. Once lectures start things will happen more naturally. Freshers weeks can be a torture for the more introverted of us and I think should be made a thing of the past.
perhaps you could plan a visit to her in a couple of weeks to give her some comfort to hold on to.

I would urge her to stay and give it a go for a bit longer. And to be open-minded about other people too.
When I arrived at university, I didn't like the girl who lived next door to me and I was at the end of a long L-shaped corridor so it took me a while to find my one of my two best friends who lived right at the other end. I was from a struggling inner city comprehensive and on the second day I met a guy from my course on the bus who was from a big well-known public boarding school. I thought that he was completely up himself and couldn't bear the thought of spending the next three years with him. Turned out to be my other best friend and after the first three weeks we were completely inseparable for the rest of our time there. People aren't always what they seem.

Sorry, I didn't mean that negatively - but it's maybe a way to express to her that she needs to try it for a bit longer...

Geography people at Exeter are nice, great lecturers, interesting course. If she loves the outdoors and environment, Exeter is in the middle of amazing countryside and there are a lot of opportunities for outdoor activities, sports, water-based stuff. The Geography gang go all over the world on field trips! I would urge her to go to some lectures first before writing the whole thing off.

My close friend at university came from a very different background from my own.
He came from a well heeled family and had been at boarding school.
My mother was a single parent and I was brought up in a cramped council flat. One would have thought that we would have little in common. In fact, we got on so well and still keep in touch.
He is godfather to dd1 and I am godmother to his ds.
I just think that it is important to give people a chance irrespective of their backgrounds.

I had this very same conversation with both DC before going to university - to remember that the first people you meet are unlikely to be your forever friends and don't judge a book by it's cover. Also invest in lots of circles - not just those you live directly with, other residents of your accommodation, your course, hobbies etc.

I’m sorry your daughter has had a disappointing start but does she realise how lucky she is to be at her top choice of uni and in her chosen accommodation? I started uni in a student house with the next two people in the accommodation office queue who I had nothing in common with as I was not given a place in halls and it was tough being a first year not in halls. If she were mine I’d encourage her to think of the positives, to join the clubs she is interested in and make an effort to get to know all sorts of people. As others have said if after a few weeks the flat is not working out it is probably possible to move room. If you have said all this and she still wants to move uni I would let her do so as ultimately she is the one who needs to make the decision and make the most of the opportunities at whichever uni she ends up in. Both UEA and Exeter are good universities.

When I went to uni I ended up in an all girls college, my worst nightmare. I had a lovely but very religious next door neighbour on my corridor, a few very sheltered girls and then some "rahs".

I hated it. The rooms were small, smelly and old fashioned. I hate my course.

Managed to change that, which was a huge relief but I was SO homesick. I was 3hrs from home so couldn't just up sticks and neither could my parents. In the Ned I stuck it out til Christmas, by which time I had found my tribe and after that I was ok.

Please fuck off with your unwanted "advise"

It's xenia, it's not a joke she really thinks like that.

OP - sorry your daughter is feeling down, but I would try to encourage her to stay a bit longer to at least give it her best shot? I think they have something like 6 weeks during which they can leave and still get all of their fees/ accommodation (except a pro-rata no. of weeks used?) back. If you look back at previous years' threads on Mumsnet, this first week reaction really is very common!

DS is at Exeter. Although he did go to a private school he's not your typical 'rah' and also found quite a few of his flatmates hard work/ not his type.
He also had a rocky start and said he wanted to come home during the first couple of weeks!
We got him to commit to 2 weeks, then to 3, then a month and said of course if, after that he was unhappy, he could leave. By the end of the first month he had forgotten he had even considered it!

The flatmates are a lottery and some students are lucky and get on with theirs but others don't. DS really found his tribe once he started his course and then never looked back. At the very least, your DD should go to the first couple of weeks of the course - after all, that's why she is there!

Find out what the critical decision-making points are (it will be hidden away somewhere in the uni T&Cs - DM me if you can't find it!) and encourage your DD to stay until then. I really don't think jumping ship to UEA at this stage is a good idea - if she does leave she should take a gap year and start again at the right time/ in uni accommodation etc.

Xenia is hilarious isn't she? Imagine wanting to go to a WORSE university and be HAPPY? Ds won his place at Exeter with outstanding results, hated it and ended up at UEA, not giving a monkeys where it was on some knobby elitist 'league table" and ended up with a superb degree, and already earning 5k a year more than me. The snobbery around universities is awful.

Not saying that you dd should leave Exeter OP, but don't take to heart any snooty attitudes about superior universities. My kids could have gone anywhere - all I care about is their happiness