Misery at Exeter

[ExeterWoes]

Looking for perspectives really. And I've namechanged as I had a very identifying thread back in the day...

My daughter was thrilled to get A's at A level and get her firm choice of Exeter uni. She's been wanting to go for years and when we visited on offers day she was really excited at the thought of going there. We went to all her offer uni open days and Exeter won her heart (offers were from Sheffield, UEA, Sussex and York as well as Exeter). She worked really hard because she was so focussed on getting her offer grades.

I took her there on Saturday, she moved in to her room in her chosen halls - great room, great view, everything she was hoping for. Flatmates seemed a bit unfriendly but we wrote it off as nerves.

She has just called me in tears and is hating it. She feels like it really isn't the place for her. She's been out with people, she's talked to loads of societies, she just totally feels like a fish out of water. For the record she is quite alternative looking - short hair, piercings, a few (small) tattoos, dresses in baggy tees, combats and sweatshirts. She feels she really doesn't fit in and is not feeling very welcomed by either her flatmates or any of the societies she's been interested in. She's also gay and very open about it which she feels has made her an outlier in her apartment. She's not sporty and never has been so meeting friends that way isn't an option.

She has already spoken to UEA which was her second favourite and they will take her for her chosen course but she has to make the decision by tomorrow midday... which is very soon. Also there's no accommodation left on campus, only in Norwich centre which feels like it could be another mistake if she's away from everyone else. I'm not so worried about UEA itself - I loved it there on the offer visit and I remember saying to her that it felt like a fantastic place to go. I also think she may actually be happier there... just a feeling though, I have no real proof of this.

My son, who is just about to start second year at Sheffield Uni, thinks she should give it another week/two weeks and then drop out and take a year out rather than make a hurried decision to go to UEA. He had a gap year and loved it, loved applying with grades in hand but then he did his A'levels in 2021 and loads of them had a gap year just to have a bit of normal life after covid lockdown times. He also landed himself an ace job in the industry he wanted to work in eventually so it wasn't a hardship for him. He also said he always thought Exeter was a weird choice for her.

She's quite fragile - has had history of self harm and depression and the last thing I want for her is to be unhappy. But equally, I don't want her to rush into something she may regret. Neither my husband or myself went to uni - we are so proud of her but we have no real experience in this.

It's so far away from us too - I can't just get in the car and go to her.

It doesn't bode well that she's met the LGBT society and found they're not for her.

The LGBT society anywhere isn't for lesbians. They literally insist lesbians include men in their dating pool. Best giving them a wide swerve and finding the actual lesbians hiding in plain sight.

Sounds like she's just been unlucky with who she is living with and has met so far, OP!
Though to be fair, I think the % of gay students nationally is only about 10%, so in a flat of 8-10 she will likely be the 'outlier' i.e. the only gay student.

Freshers weeks are brutal and students are all jossling to try to find like-minded friends. If she presents differently to most of her flatmates it may just be that they've assumed she will want to find the rest of the LGBTQ crowd - that's usually how it ends up shaking out anyway. They may not be being deliberately hostile, just feel like they don't have much in common?

Also, and I ask this with the best of intentions, is there any way you think she could be giving off slightly hostile vibes herself? From what you've said she sounds as if she's written a lot of people and groups off. Moreover, sometimes anxiety can manifest itself as aloofness or disinterest?

Well - not the most encouraging update to be honest. I'm actually quite depressed by it all. And trying not to be angry with her. I have failed in this respect...

I called her this morning and her mind was made up - she was leaving Exeter. Nothing I said made any difference. I said she needed to at least start her course and give it a try. Not starting the course was madness as far as I was concerned. Her brother has tried to contact her too to see if she would listen to him but she has been ignoring his calls.

She called back after lunch and she had terminated her course, accepted UEA but they have no accommodation. She's on a waiting list but the chances of getting on campus is extremely unlikely (they said) and she will have to do a private student rental in the centre of town... which I think is pretty rubbish for all the myriad reasons I have explained to her: cost, unlikely to be with friends from her course, issues of being separate from campus life in what is a campus uni with all the social aspects. I think it is a really poor choice.

She has friends who are there and that has probably made her make decisions without really thinking things through. I know - she has told me - that they have been phoning saying her she would love it there, that she is missing out, that it's more her - but then they have accommodation on campus and she does not. They will be having a very different experience to what she is going to face.

She now says she has been thinking she was wrong for Exeter for a while and I was quite frank with her that this was something she should have addressed as soon as she felt this way and not left until she was actually there with a preconceived idea that she would hate it. I really think peer pressure has been a big issue here - and I'm sad that she's gone for being with some friends who were supposed to go to Exeter but didn't get the grades instead of embracing what she had supposedly wanted for the last year and what she studied so, so hard for. The expense and time getting DD to Exeter and the expense and time getting her back and then onto UEA when she could have voiced her concerns ages ago has made me cross too.

Anyway, thank you for all your support and wise words. It's a shame she failed to listen to any! She's made her decision and it's now hers to regret or rejoice in.

Oh, poor OP.

On the bright side.. she hasn't dropped out altogether?

Feels as though her desire to go anywhere seems to primarily dictated by others- which is understandable at that age but not really the best basis for all big life decisions. Probably something worth discussing with her at some point once the dust settles on this whole situation. Hopefully it’s all worth it 🤞🏽 on the upside because she has caused all this fuss and extra expense she will probably feel a bit more inclined to give UEA a good go! Desire to prove your parents you were right should not be underestimated 🤭

yes - I am trying to look on the bright side. Her being healthy and happy is key. I just think she's not really thought about any of this properly but I guess we all do things like that at some point in our lives.

If she had campus accommodation I'd feel differently. However, I am hoping some of the turfed out Zigg students are in the building she has chosen so at least it feels a wee bit like being in a uni hall...

Yes I agree that at least she has not given up all together. It is so hard to support them with these sort of issues. Overstepping is really easy to do and not engaging enough equally easy. Sounds like you managed a good line op. She knows she can turn to mum when needed. That is so important.

Hope she loves her new uni choice :)

I' m really sorry to hear this OP, as I said to you in my DM I've been trying to contact dn but sounds like it is now too late for anything she might say to make a difference .... Good luck to her at UEA!

My DS went through clearing last year and ended up in private halls with different years and even people from different unis.

He worked hard to make it work and is having a BALL this year. First year he went down the SU nearly every night, made friends there, through sport, the gym and through his course. Your DD could be on campus in halls and hate her flatmates so it really isn’t the be all and end all.

And Exeter may be higher in the league tables but really who gives a shit? If she thrives at UEA and gets a first then it’s a massive win and a great choice.

Worrying for you, but whatever her motives and thought process she seems to have taken a firm decision and is being proactive! And has a place on the course, will have a few local friends etc.

My DS is in his 2nd year at Exeter. He definitely went with IKEA stuff😆 He made all his mates on his course, freshers week was a wash out for him really, in fact he is now redoing it this year with his friends as they hadn't met the first time round!
I would say that he also changed accommodation half way through as he was really miserable where he was, he just had to fill out a form and was offered a couple of choices.
I do think Exeter City centre itself has a lot to offer but you can feel a bit stuck on campus the first year.

Oh so sorry just read your update

Sorry to read your update. My ds is also struggling, not at Exeter, but he’d prob struggle anywhere.
I loved UEA when looking round with DD pre-covid, it was her insurance so you never know, plus spots come up in halls all the time.
good luck!

I’ll give her this: most people tend to stay put in these situations and suffer. She had the guts to make a big change quickly.

Well the decision is made now at least. Possibly better than holding out and still being miserable.
At least she has done it herself and sorted something out.

Text her back and make peace. She's got a uni place and is moving forward with her life, that's the main thing.

She sounds very independent which isn't a bad thing. Most of our students get mum to ring!

Thanks for updating, OP.

It won't be any consolation to you, but I'd feel exactly the same as you. I hope it all works out for your daughter.

I think you are being too hard on yourself OP. She's made a choice. It's for somewhere she was made an offer for, not just taking any old random place going. She's also got friends there which will help carry her over the next few weeks until she makes new University friends. She's made the decision now, and can get there in time for the start of lectures at UEA. As for the campus accommodation - it doesn't suit everyone, but you never seem to hear that and it seems that she has got accommodation lined up.

Don’t be hard on yourself. She’s made her own decision, and has actually dealt with it all very quickly. That’s a lot of “life admin “ she’s done all on her own. And your guidance over the years has helped her to do all this and act decisively. Being happy is really important. And I hope she’s very happy at her new uni.

I read Modern Languages at UEA many years ago.

I spent my final year, having been away in Heidelberg and Brussels for a year, in one of the Ziggurat accommodation buildings which have had to be closed because of the reinforced concrete (RAAC) found in them recently.

I gather from the EDP that UEA has been able to place students whose rooms are now not available to them either elsewhere on campus (most likely the Final Year students, so that they get maximum library access) or at St Crispin's House in Norwich, which is down by Anglia Square.

https://www.edp24.co.uk/news/23788300.uea-ziggurats-students-moved-off-campus-get-free-bikes/

OP you’ve done absolutely all you could under the circumstances and hopefully in a week or so this will all seem like a mad dream. Parenting can be a thankless task sometimes - you’re damned if you do and damned if they won’t…

Is her private student rental St Crispin’s or another student hall in Norwich? There will be absolutely tons of students bussing themselves back and forth to campus.

Either decision would have been fine, she would make friends wherever she went, but the decision is set now, so good luck to her!

Sorry this has been such a tough week for you and DD. If she goes to UEA maybe she will get a place in halls before long as other people drop out. This happened to DH many years ago when he failed to arrange accommodation, ended up in lodgings elsewhere and then got a place in halls a couple of weeks later.

From my own experience as a student in halls (with course-mates who were at home - Scotland - or living in digs) plus my experience as a lecturer she will be sleeping on friends' floors on campus after campus events so at least she will have some route to getting the campus experience.
Does UEA start a week later i.e. will she have Fresher's Week?

I understand why you are upset OP and I would be too. But on a positive note it's really good that your DD is talking to you now, you know how she feels, and she trusts you to support her in what is quite a bold decision.
In all probability, given time, things would have improved at Exeter but she has made her decision and it sounds like it's a done deal so there is no use dwelling on what ifs or berating her or yourself over the wisdom of this choice. UEA will be different to Exeter for sure but hopefully can be a good different for your DD. There will be positives and Norwich is a lovely city. My DS did work experience at Lotus last year and I was really surprised by what a nice area it is as I had some pretty negative preconceptions before we went. She will have friends around to help her settle and the RAAC fiasco may have positive effects for her as it sounds like there are lots of students who have been displaced as a result so she won't be the odd one out.
I hope things work out for her and things settle for your whole family very soon.

Thank you for the update @ExeterWoes I think it's really decent when people who've had a lot of advice and support come back and tell us what happened so kudos to you xx

UEA is good news, it's not Exeter, at the same time as we make decisions (whether wrong or right) the best thing our family can do is be supportive. And you're closer to your DD so yay

I'm not sure it matters now, I got accepted to a very prestigious uni but people there were so competitive that nobody made friends.

I kept waiting for things to get better but they never did. Looking back I wish I had a back-up plan like your DD. Prestigious university wasn't for me, and no amount of time changed things that just weren't meant to be. Some people are happier at places that are less stuffy. I hope to go back to a good uni with nice people sometime next year.