Misery at Exeter

[ExeterWoes]

Looking for perspectives really. And I've namechanged as I had a very identifying thread back in the day...

My daughter was thrilled to get A's at A level and get her firm choice of Exeter uni. She's been wanting to go for years and when we visited on offers day she was really excited at the thought of going there. We went to all her offer uni open days and Exeter won her heart (offers were from Sheffield, UEA, Sussex and York as well as Exeter). She worked really hard because she was so focussed on getting her offer grades.

I took her there on Saturday, she moved in to her room in her chosen halls - great room, great view, everything she was hoping for. Flatmates seemed a bit unfriendly but we wrote it off as nerves.

She has just called me in tears and is hating it. She feels like it really isn't the place for her. She's been out with people, she's talked to loads of societies, she just totally feels like a fish out of water. For the record she is quite alternative looking - short hair, piercings, a few (small) tattoos, dresses in baggy tees, combats and sweatshirts. She feels she really doesn't fit in and is not feeling very welcomed by either her flatmates or any of the societies she's been interested in. She's also gay and very open about it which she feels has made her an outlier in her apartment. She's not sporty and never has been so meeting friends that way isn't an option.

She has already spoken to UEA which was her second favourite and they will take her for her chosen course but she has to make the decision by tomorrow midday... which is very soon. Also there's no accommodation left on campus, only in Norwich centre which feels like it could be another mistake if she's away from everyone else. I'm not so worried about UEA itself - I loved it there on the offer visit and I remember saying to her that it felt like a fantastic place to go. I also think she may actually be happier there... just a feeling though, I have no real proof of this.

My son, who is just about to start second year at Sheffield Uni, thinks she should give it another week/two weeks and then drop out and take a year out rather than make a hurried decision to go to UEA. He had a gap year and loved it, loved applying with grades in hand but then he did his A'levels in 2021 and loads of them had a gap year just to have a bit of normal life after covid lockdown times. He also landed himself an ace job in the industry he wanted to work in eventually so it wasn't a hardship for him. He also said he always thought Exeter was a weird choice for her.

She's quite fragile - has had history of self harm and depression and the last thing I want for her is to be unhappy. But equally, I don't want her to rush into something she may regret. Neither my husband or myself went to uni - we are so proud of her but we have no real experience in this.

It's so far away from us too - I can't just get in the car and go to her.

Well no, that is not going to help her find her feet.

Appreciate this - I will send this to her tomorrow. I am planning to have an early chat with her.

At the moment, from her calls, I sense she thinks she has failed her dream and I want her to get out of that mindset. She deserves to be there. Let's see what tomorrow brings.

Thank you for all the responses - it has been really uplifting and supportive. I really appreciate them.

Not the one from where it suggested she covers her tattoos, takes out her piercings and pretends she isn't gay though. That one can get tae fuck.

@Xenia - if you’re still on this thread, you really need to have a word with yourself

There are 40000 students at Exeter, the vast majority of whom are from state schools. Your daughter could perhaps try changing accommodation rather than giving up on the place after two days, though I understand UEA is putting on pressure.
starting uni is so tough, but she had a reason for loving Exeter so a shame to write it off too quickly.

It’s been TWO DAYS.

She hasn’t even met her coursemates

@lyrebird1

All she needs is a nice Jack Willis sweatshirt, then she’d be grand

She needs to give it until Christmas. Making such a big decision by lunchtime tomorrow is impossible. She has no way of knowing if she’ll be any happier at UEA.

I hated my first term at university many moons ago and my parents made me stay until Christmas to give it a proper go - I’m so glad they did as by the Christmas holidays I didn’t want to go home! I’d found my tribe and was loving my course. The first few weeks are really hard and it takes time to navigate new friendships and adjust to a whole new way of life. There is a reason why your daughter was so enamoured with Exeter and as a geographer she is surrounded by some incredible landscapes to enjoy in the area. She’s half an hour from the gorgeous beaches of East Devon and a short train ride to hippy central in Totnes. Once her course starts properly she’ll meet more likeminded people than she has in her accommodation, but she also needs to ensure she is being open minded about her flat mates - just because they don’t like the same things it doesn’t mean they can’t be friends. There was a huge Uber posh crowd at my uni (I wasn’t one of them!) but once I’d got over my prejudices and gave them a chance, I realised they were perfectly nice people who I could enjoy hanging out with despite our different backgrounds.

Encourage her to stick it out and give it a proper go. If by Christmas she still hates it, then she can apply elsewhere and take the rest of the year off. But she absolutely should not be making a knee jerk decision based on what will largely be homesickness and disappointment that her very high imagined expectations of Exeter aren’t quite the magical reality she was hoping for. You need to be strong for her here - she will be ok and you need to let her struggle and find her way through to making the right choices for herself. If you are concerned about her mental health then please contact the welfare department and they can keep an eye on her.

She cannot possibly know if she “clicks” with any particular group in a handful of days. And they’ve got to learn that sometimes relationships of whatever kind need time.

The first couple of weeks are hideously effortful: trying to be sociable all the time, navigating a new environment, constant messages about registering for this, turning up for that, fending for themselves in ways they may not have done previously. It’s exhausting and overwhelming.

She WILL find her people.

My eldest is at Oxford having come from a comprehensive school and local sixth form college - he has ASD and was coming out of a burn-out mental health collapse when he started. I was worried sick, talk about a fish out of water, he felt like he was on Mars for the first few weeks. It was so, so tough. He's in his third year now and thriving, he's found his people, is in a relationship and is stronger and happier than I've ever known him. He had snotty flat mates last year, but because he had his own friends and his own social life by then he just rolled his eyes and got on with it. I know how you feel, but I think you'd be doing her a favour if you encourage her to stick it out for now. She hasn't had enough time to meet people, and nobody is behaving naturally in the first few weeks, they're all shitting themselves and trying not to get it wrong - even the posh kids who seem so self-assured are feeling the same inside. Maybe set a date for her to reconsider, with the agreement that if she's still miserable you'll go and pick her up, no questions asked.

for you, this is more stressful than bloody toddlers!

I can totally relate to the determination to prove to those that dismissed her.. and if Exeter was that place for her perhaps it’s worth persevering but having got those great grades you sons suggestion of a gap year and then go to a place that might be a better fit with time to research and book the accommodation might be good. That said your dd sounds super tenacious and well decide to ‘make Exeter work’ to prove the dismissers wrong. Sorry - no clear answer other than it’s not in her head.. she is definitely a minority in new Lafrowda. Old Lafrowda is more gritty apparently.. and I remember driving up and forking to right to old Laf with all the Skodas and shitty cars (like mine) while all the SUV’s forked to the left … like a Harry Potter social sorting hat! I think all the other posters suggestions of clubs etc are really good - but I can see why you are worried - especially if she has a history of depression. Another tip.. Exeter climbing club is quite eclectic - they climb at an indoor climbing centre and you can be any level and there is a real social mix there.

I feel as mum you desperately want her to feel settled but it’s not been long try o get her to stick it out it’s good life skills if she really doesn’t vet on in a few weeks talk again

May be she could cover up her tatoos and remove her piercings to fit in - not that she has to but it can be a very useful life skill to change yourself to fit in with others

What a load of horseshit. It’s a FAR more useful life skill to be authentic and NOT change to fit in with others, but rather learn to accept that what others think of you is very often based on their internal biases not who you are. Her tribe will be there somewhere but she will never find them by dressing up in Jack Wills and pretending to be someone else; that way madness lies.

I think the public school crowd that appear to colonise certain universities can be very intimidating. Not because they aren’t nice people but because they have confidence - often it’s not their first time away from home and many have more funds which has given them wings (not the case for all privately educated students of course). I think it takes a while for these tribes to be diluted.

@ExeterWoes I agree with your DS’s approach. Would she be willing to construct a 5 week plan for her to give it a few weeks of investigating further social activities, speaking to welfare and using a page like “What I wish I knew about University” as suggested upthread to see if anyone else has someone struggling at Exeter or some good suggestions for her, and reassess at the end of the 5 weeks and if it’s still wrong, leave and have a gap year? This seems wiser and she can then take her time to chose another university armed with new insight and find something that suits her better. I really feel for these young people, they strive for these universities with huge build up and huge hopes only to find it’s (understandably) very discombobulating. Freshers Week is torture for so many! I hope she finds her feet.

I guess you’ve not encountered Xenia before, Mumsnet’s very own Jacob Rees-Mogg?

i haven't read the whole thread (sorry, it's late!) but I would also urge her to give it a bit longer OP. I think the fact that she has been so focused on this being her dream place probably makes it harder. It's about 40 yearsh since I started University but I remember that feeling. After the excitement of getting offers and then the euphoria of results day you can come down to earth with quite a big bang when reality hits. The dream has become so big that the actual experience can't quite match it and then you get all kinds of negative emotions whizzing around. It's a bit like Boxing Day, after the best Christmas ever. I had wanted to do Medicine for a very long time and it was a big achievement for someone from my background to get a place so I had ridiculously high expectations of what it was going to be like and was very disappointed initially. Plus I felt guilty that I wasn't 100% happy as I should be, given I was so lucky to have a place and had achieved my dream.
But I soon adjusted and realised that actually whilst it wasn't quite like I had built it up in my head to be, it was still pretty good, there were lots of really nice people to be found and even quite a lot of those that I didn't have much in common with became friends in time.
In all likelihood, the things that attracted your DD to her course and the campus are still there but right now she's in a bit of turmoil so can't see them. I would reassure her that it's ok to feel like this, and that lots of her peers, even the outwardly confident ones, will have similar worries. It doesn't have to be love at first sight for a relationship to work out, and it's the same with starting a new course or job. Reassure her that there is an exit route if things don't improve but encourage her to take some time for the dust to settle and things may well look very different in a few weeks.

Ex St Andrews student here, and it was definitely a bit of a shock to the system at first, it was far enough away that I could only really go home in Reading Week and longer holidays where a lot of people from back home had stayed local enough that random weekends home were feasible. I have to admit I hoped to click with people immediately as you describe - as it turned out, some of the people who ended up being my best friends there were people I only ended up getting to know in my third year.

Your DD put a lot of effort into choosing her course and hasn’t even started it yet. And she’s probably met fewer than 20 people. Both of these are reasons not to just give up on it at such an early stage, and I’m quite surprised at the number of people suggesting this (as well as throwing random suggestions as to which university would be preferable, as though a university is made up of only one type of person).

I too suffered during my first days at university so I sympathise, but it is too early to make that decision.

Many, many students have freshers’ blues that can extend to a term or so before they make proper friends. The transition to all that universities offer can require patience, resilience and adjusting to being alone when exploring. Social groups early on are anyway often very superficial or based on pre-made networks. The latter are intimidating but people who constitute them often want to break out, so actually may turn out to be better friendship material than they appear superficially.
I would agree with many here as well as your DS. IMO the worse decision would be a rushed move to UEA for this academic year, particularly with the critical issue of accommodation. Due to the added concerns of her MH background, any chance of you visiting her just before the 2 weeks deadline and any critical decisions if she is still unhappy?
If your DD’s flatmates are very alien to her, then at the least she will gain some anecdotes and anthropological type observations over the first weeks whilst deciding whether she asks for an accommodation move.

I would recommend Sheffield, ds is gay & several of his gay friends are there & love it. Ds is hoping to go next September. Just because her brother is there shouldn't, matter, it is a big city & the accommodation is well spread out. There are loads of gigs, the Octagan has wlots of gigs & there are plenty of other places for music. What course is she wanting? If she took a gap year, she could have the pick of places next year, lots of the students love Sheffield so much they never go back home, they just get jobs in the city after graduation.

My dd was in a similar state two days in, by a week in was so much happier. You only need two or three friends to make the world more bearable. My concern with UEA would be the financial angle. It wasn't doing well financially even before the RAAC was discovered. I also wouldn't be too swayed by tomorrow's deadline to decide. That will just be for the current offer, there are probably not loads of people who will jump in if she doesn't decide until the weekend.

If she plans to go into politics then being able to work with a range of people is important but so is her mental well-being. I would agree with the posters in getting her along to the well being advisors, seeing if there is a mentor and maybe giving it ten days, find out when the fee deadline for the first term is. Check out the places recommended here, have another look at what it was about the course which attracted her. See if she can reconnect with that vibe.

Exeter is a great place full of alternative people. Stick it out.

oh poor her. I felt a bit like her when I went to university.

I'd suggest she gives it at least until reading week and better, until Christmas, and then if she doesn't like it I'd do what your son suggests. She will find her people and they'll probably be feeling like her. She needs to start her course, find a club or 2 that align with her interests - there'll be a gay/lesbian society for example and brave going.

I agree with your son. My niece was the same at her first choice. After a few weeks she realised the course modules she wanted weren't available and she was in halls with girls from wealthy backgrounds who were all into drugs, and she felt out of place. She took a year out, went back to do another unrelated course at her home town uni which she loved. She's on a fantastic career path now

I hope your DD can dig in and find her feet @ExeterWoes . She sounds like a great girl with tons of potential who is also proudly herself. She doesn’t need to move to keep on being herself, she will make connections with people she didn’t imagine she could like, and she will forge deep bonds with her real tribe in due course.

One tip is - don’t let her come home at weekends for a while. Visit her for a brief outing or meal if you must, but sticking around at weekends is really important to start making and keeping those bonds. She won’t settle if she’s always shuttling back to home and missing out on the activities that help to forge friendships and root them in shared history.

Poor you, and DD. She’s certainly not alone, on the WIWIKAU FB group there’s been a few posts (and is every year) about kids wanting to come home after a day or so. When I drove my son to Uni I said that it’s very normal to feel out of sorts for a few weeks, that any changes takes time to get used to and he should give it to Christmas to get into it and feel more normal. Thankfully I didn’t have any issues with him but suspect with DD in 3yrs it’s going to be different (very introverted).

I’d be wary about moving, especially if no accommodation on site, but bear in mind people will leave there too so she could be on a waiting list. What if she feels the same there? Obviously you need to ensure her mental health is a priority but I would tell her 2 days is no time at all to know if she’s going to like it there. It could all change tomorrow, lectures haven’t started yet. Not everyone gels with flatmates. So many societies to join and find her tribe that way. I’d tell her to give it some time, and arrange a visit for you to stay with her at the weekend (if she wants) and I’d go quite often to start with to help her settle. It’s so normal to have a wobble in the early days

I jumped ship to UEA and loved it - I'd say go and go now and enjoy it - awesome live music venues arty chilled and accepting of all 30 years ago!
Due to RAAC a lot of students are off campus as the Ziggarats are closed so she won't be isolated

Go xx