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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

Original poster

Misery at Exeter

423 replies

ExeterWoes · 19/09/2023 19:29

Looking for perspectives really. And I've namechanged as I had a very identifying thread back in the day...

My daughter was thrilled to get A's at A level and get her firm choice of Exeter uni. She's been wanting to go for years and when we visited on offers day she was really excited at the thought of going there. We went to all her offer uni open days and Exeter won her heart (offers were from Sheffield, UEA, Sussex and York as well as Exeter). She worked really hard because she was so focussed on getting her offer grades.

I took her there on Saturday, she moved in to her room in her chosen halls - great room, great view, everything she was hoping for. Flatmates seemed a bit unfriendly but we wrote it off as nerves.

She has just called me in tears and is hating it. She feels like it really isn't the place for her. She's been out with people, she's talked to loads of societies, she just totally feels like a fish out of water. For the record she is quite alternative looking - short hair, piercings, a few (small) tattoos, dresses in baggy tees, combats and sweatshirts. She feels she really doesn't fit in and is not feeling very welcomed by either her flatmates or any of the societies she's been interested in. She's also gay and very open about it which she feels has made her an outlier in her apartment. She's not sporty and never has been so meeting friends that way isn't an option.

She has already spoken to UEA which was her second favourite and they will take her for her chosen course but she has to make the decision by tomorrow midday... which is very soon. Also there's no accommodation left on campus, only in Norwich centre which feels like it could be another mistake if she's away from everyone else. I'm not so worried about UEA itself - I loved it there on the offer visit and I remember saying to her that it felt like a fantastic place to go. I also think she may actually be happier there... just a feeling though, I have no real proof of this.

My son, who is just about to start second year at Sheffield Uni, thinks she should give it another week/two weeks and then drop out and take a year out rather than make a hurried decision to go to UEA. He had a gap year and loved it, loved applying with grades in hand but then he did his A'levels in 2021 and loads of them had a gap year just to have a bit of normal life after covid lockdown times. He also landed himself an ace job in the industry he wanted to work in eventually so it wasn't a hardship for him. He also said he always thought Exeter was a weird choice for her.

She's quite fragile - has had history of self harm and depression and the last thing I want for her is to be unhappy. But equally, I don't want her to rush into something she may regret. Neither my husband or myself went to uni - we are so proud of her but we have no real experience in this.

It's so far away from us too - I can't just get in the car and go to her.

OP posts:
Original poster
ExeterWoes · 19/09/2023 22:47

Piggywaspushed · 19/09/2023 22:38

Have you said what course it is? If it's one of the more arty ones she might meet more of her tribe at lectures. I know a lovely girl who has just started there doing film and English. Hope she meets her. They'd get on for sure.

sadly not arty... neither of my kids are arty which I do NOT understand (I'm arty and work in a creative industry). She's doing geography and is really passionate about the subject, particularly human geography. I would not be surprised if she went into politics later in life. Although she won't be joining the conservative society wherever she studies... ;)

OP posts:
Maatandosiris · 19/09/2023 22:49

ExeterWoes · 19/09/2023 22:47

sadly not arty... neither of my kids are arty which I do NOT understand (I'm arty and work in a creative industry). She's doing geography and is really passionate about the subject, particularly human geography. I would not be surprised if she went into politics later in life. Although she won't be joining the conservative society wherever she studies... ;)

Show quote history

If she wants to work on politics there might be quite a lot of advantages mixing with posh people

YukoandHiro · 19/09/2023 22:53

The beginning of uni is just really hard. And sometimes your flat mates in halls just aren't your people (mine weren't). She really ought to give it at least until Xmas, ideally the full year as at that point it's easy to switch and there will be accommodation available.
Has she met the lgbt society yet? What about her coursemates?
I'm saying this looking back at my teen self. But I see that it must be so hard as a mum to hear her so upset.

Original poster
ExeterWoes · 19/09/2023 22:54

Anothercomment · 19/09/2023 22:42

My dc has just started his second year so I have some recent perspective as they do talk to me. I think your son is probably right and clearly his finger on the current uni pulse. Obvs a generalisation but the vibe at Exeter is very sporty, heavy drinking, private school. They are shifting the balance but the culture still prevails. There will be people that your daughter will connect with but I think they will be in the minority in Exeter and will likely migrate in niche societies. Exeter is quite small really and is quite conservative. I imaging the Penrith campus and the arts crowd might be a bit more diverse. What was it about Exeter that attracted her initially?

What was it about Exeter?

In all honestly, I think it was the course and the area. She's not a city girl and needs a bit of country and landscape around her. But also I believe it was to prove she could get the grades and get into what some people believe is a prestigious university. She was pretty much written off as a failing student at the end of primary and spent the years leading up to GCSE's fighting low expectations. When she got 9's in the subjects she loved, teachers started taking notice of her potential and it was a validation to herself that she could "show em." She was so, so proud to have made the grade and get her A's. I think that has also contributed to the angst she is feeling now. There may be a bit of imposters syndrome in there too. God knows I've had that all my life.

OP posts:
TheSquareMile · 19/09/2023 22:54

ExeterWoes · 19/09/2023 22:47

sadly not arty... neither of my kids are arty which I do NOT understand (I'm arty and work in a creative industry). She's doing geography and is really passionate about the subject, particularly human geography. I would not be surprised if she went into politics later in life. Although she won't be joining the conservative society wherever she studies... ;)

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If she's doing Geography, would she like this Society?

https://my.exeterguild.com/groups/QVH9R/geography-society

Geography Society

https://my.exeterguild.com/groups/QVH9R/geography-society

TheSpikySpinosaurus · 19/09/2023 22:56

dylexicdementor11 · 19/09/2023 19:47

Could she transfer to Sussex? It’s a lovely university for queer students. Email admissions.

Hmm. A university that hounded out Professor Stock for GC views. A Uni that can't stand reasoned debate?? Not a uni I'd want my dc to go to.

Original poster
ExeterWoes · 19/09/2023 23:01

TheSquareMile · 19/09/2023 22:54

If she's doing Geography, would she like this Society?

https://my.exeterguild.com/groups/QVH9R/geography-society

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thank you - I have sent that link to her

OP posts:
Clafoutie · 19/09/2023 23:04

Xenia · 19/09/2023 22:01

I am sorry. However UAE a worse university with no accommodation would be a really bad choice in my view. May be she could cover up her tatoos and remove her piercings to fit in - not that she has to but it can be a very useful life skill to change yourself to fit in with others. No one needs to know if she goes to bed with girls or boys either. Just have fun with those around her in terms of chatting to them and finding common ground.

I am surprised sweat shirts are unusual. my son went off with loads of things ilke Jack Wills ones when he went off to Bristol and they seemed to wear sweat pants all the time so may be your daughter has ended up with an unusual group of Exeter students dressed in smart casual all day long!

I appreciate you are presumably saying this in all sincerity, but I don’t agree with this at all, and think it could be really misconstrued. People should not have to hide such a fundamental part of themselves just to ‘fit in’. That could be hugely damaging emotionally.

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 19/09/2023 23:07

Oh, I feel for you both!!
Dd2 is now in her 3rd week at St Andrews. Huge culture shock, and she hated it, we had so many tears. But she's gradually starting to meet people on her wavelength, and things are getting better.
It's all so new and strange! Dd had a great group of friends (established after years of school being in an awful friendship group), and they all went locally, so she is missing that security and obviously us, her family. Her new friends "aren't the same"...(of course, she's known them a week!), but I think she thought she would click with people immediately and have a great time. Doesn't always work that way.
But give her her due she has put herself out there (cringing when she gor rejected!) and finally seems to be going forward.
I think we as parents have to be there in the background (for me that had meant a lot of messaging!) to support them while they try to make sense of it.
I wish you both luck, and hope your dd makes whatever decision is right for her

Wiyyu · 19/09/2023 23:15

I do remember as well as the poshness it was a culture shock just how mainstream and bland uni seemed at first. Sounds like your daughter is having a similar experience. I was in a brilliant city, which I still love, with loads of great stuff going on- but it was hard to see that at first as I just met all these people who asked me what school I’d been to rather than what I was into. It got better! And do think there’s that aspect to most if not all of the Russell group type unis.

JFDIYOLO · 19/09/2023 23:16

She isn't ready for uni yet.

I wasn't really, but there was no question of taking a year out back then.

As has been suggested, her best move might be to take the gap year and find herself. Build her confidence, get a job, travel, read for fun not for essays, volunteer, do some sport, do something that involves teamwork - theatre, for example.

She'll be more mature, more interesting, wiser and better able to mix. And her flatmates may well be equally shy and uncertain, going though the same stuff - don't write them off as unfriendly.

Justdontforgethelegofrog · 19/09/2023 23:16

Can she get the train to Totnes to feel a bit more at home? It really is like a mini Glastonbury (town not the festival) and she might see some courses, activities or groups that are more her thing?

GodessOfThunder · 19/09/2023 23:16

Xenia · 19/09/2023 22:01

I am sorry. However UAE a worse university with no accommodation would be a really bad choice in my view. May be she could cover up her tatoos and remove her piercings to fit in - not that she has to but it can be a very useful life skill to change yourself to fit in with others. No one needs to know if she goes to bed with girls or boys either. Just have fun with those around her in terms of chatting to them and finding common ground.

I am surprised sweat shirts are unusual. my son went off with loads of things ilke Jack Wills ones when he went off to Bristol and they seemed to wear sweat pants all the time so may be your daughter has ended up with an unusual group of Exeter students dressed in smart casual all day long!

What a load of tripe

worstofbothworlds · 19/09/2023 23:21

I'm an academic and I completely agree that the few days she's been there are usually the most tricky time and also way, way too short to be sure she wants to leave. She needs to give it at least a couple of weeks (but she MUST see her tutor during that time) and then try a term if she can bear it and she may find her course is so interesting (after all, that's the point), get to know others on the course and love it.

IME lots of female geography students are "not girly" for the want of a less stereotyped phrase.

I would also caution against the LGBTQ society (probably good she didn't click) as they have harassed a female academic at Exeter repeatedly and if she went around doing horrendous things like refusing the advances of male lesbians she might find herself in great difficulties..

Lantyslee · 19/09/2023 23:22

OP if one of the reasons she chose it was for the course then surely she should wait until that's underway and see if she enjoys it? Presumably she'll have something in common with the people on the course too. As others have said, it's very early days. My DS has just started uni and I'm expecting him to have more in common with the people on his course (vocational, creative subject) than the randoms in his flat.

Stockpot · 19/09/2023 23:22

It took my DD a term to get comfortable at uni, and to find friends. She was a bit unlucky with her halls assignment. It took her time to find societies that she liked. It took a term of tutorials to get to know others in her class.

She is having a great time now, but the first term is an adjustment. It’s too easy to look at other kids who are throwing themselves out there and to think that everyone has a set of mates, when you don’t. The trick is to get out there and try lots of things, so that you can find people with common interests.

I think the problem may be less the particular university, and more just being away from home for the first time.

CuteCillian · 19/09/2023 23:24

I think your DS's advice sounds sensible. It takes a while to find your tribe.
My DD's bestie graduated from Exeter this year and sounds very similar to your DD. I know she got very involved with a uni society that went into the city supporting the homeless. That might be worth searching out?

Azandme · 19/09/2023 23:29

It's been two days.

Two days of totally new people, places, experiences, all of which she'd no doubt have built up in her mind to be exactly what she wanted them to be. And they aren't, because they never could be.

She hasn't even started the course - which is the actual reason she's there. Her "tribe" may well be there. They also may not look like her, or appear to share much in common at all. That's one of the big learning curves of uni. You grow and change because of the different people you meet.

If she leaves now she's running away because it was a bit hard. But this part is hard no matter where you go.

I was the biggest homebody ever. My mum told me to give it five weeks when I was utterly miserable at the outset. At the end of that I could either leave with her full support or come home for the weekend... I did neither. There was a party so I went to that, and went home the following weekend.

Between miserable day 2 and party night I met my people. We're now 45 and we went away with our kids this summer.

I was in the same mindset as your dd at the same time. I'm forever grateful that my mum gave me a lifelife with enough rope for me to settle in, and boy did I. Best three years EVER.

If she leaves her course without even starting it, she'll always wonder. And part of becoming an adult is not running away when things aren't immediately as you want them to be.

She wanted to go there, she needs to give it a good shot for her own sake. And if it's still not right in a month or so, then she gave it a good go.

Rollergirl11 · 19/09/2023 23:29

Xenia · 19/09/2023 22:01

I am sorry. However UAE a worse university with no accommodation would be a really bad choice in my view. May be she could cover up her tatoos and remove her piercings to fit in - not that she has to but it can be a very useful life skill to change yourself to fit in with others. No one needs to know if she goes to bed with girls or boys either. Just have fun with those around her in terms of chatting to them and finding common ground.

I am surprised sweat shirts are unusual. my son went off with loads of things ilke Jack Wills ones when he went off to Bristol and they seemed to wear sweat pants all the time so may be your daughter has ended up with an unusual group of Exeter students dressed in smart casual all day long!

I keep expecting this poster to come back and say this is a joke? If not I think this is probably the most ignorant thing I have seen on Mumsnet for quite some time.

Hotsaucegal · 19/09/2023 23:30

Tbf I would not downplay the “artsy-ness” or “alternativeness” of human geographers - most (like me) are feminist lefties engaging in participatory research… I’m sure she’ll find some kindred spirits on course ❤️

lyrebird1 · 19/09/2023 23:31

I'm sorry to hear that your daughter is struggling. I'm at Exeter (mature student) and there is plenty of support there if she does decide to stay.

The welfare team are lovely and they put on a lot of events to support student wellbeing. Their website is https://www.exeter.ac.uk/students/wellbeing/talk/welfare/
Another thing that might help could be signing up for peer mentoring. It's a scheme where older students are trained to help first year students with the social and academic transition to University. This is the programme details (the contact for Geography is Duncan Smith) https://www.exeter.ac.uk/departments/tqae/asset/peersupport/peersupportprogrammes/#a3

I think it is worth her persevering with the societies. The people at Welcome Week will be the committee members, who tend to be the most outspoken ones. There will be plenty of other people to meet at the socials and events who might suit her personality more.

Welfare | Student Wellbeing | University of Exeter

https://www.exeter.ac.uk/students/wellbeing/talk/welfare

GodessOfThunder · 19/09/2023 23:33

Rollergirl11 · 19/09/2023 23:29

I keep expecting this poster to come back and say this is a joke? If not I think this is probably the most ignorant thing I have seen on Mumsnet for quite some time.

Show quote history

Sadly it’s not a joke. It’s really rather typical of this commenter.

theduchessofspork · 19/09/2023 23:34

I agree with your son.

She should give it a term - then if it’s not for her have a year old while reapplying.

It’s an odd choice for an alternative lass but you never know, she might settle, and pitching up late with no accommodation at UEA doesn’t sound great.

Next time she might consider somewhere a bit bigger/livelier/more varied like Manchester/Leeds/Bristol/glasgow.. city basically

theduchessofspork · 19/09/2023 23:35

A year OUT

Canisaysomething · 19/09/2023 23:36

All you need to do as a parent is tell her to hang in there and give it a try. It sounds like she has visualised the best case scenario for making friends and is just bitterly disappointed it hasn’t happened.

The best case scenario is that she immediately clicks with everyone she meets and makes good friends in the first few days. The worst case scenario is that she stays there 6 months and hasn’t made a single friend. The reality will be somewhere in between.