Misery at Exeter

[ExeterWoes]

Looking for perspectives really. And I've namechanged as I had a very identifying thread back in the day...

My daughter was thrilled to get A's at A level and get her firm choice of Exeter uni. She's been wanting to go for years and when we visited on offers day she was really excited at the thought of going there. We went to all her offer uni open days and Exeter won her heart (offers were from Sheffield, UEA, Sussex and York as well as Exeter). She worked really hard because she was so focussed on getting her offer grades.

I took her there on Saturday, she moved in to her room in her chosen halls - great room, great view, everything she was hoping for. Flatmates seemed a bit unfriendly but we wrote it off as nerves.

She has just called me in tears and is hating it. She feels like it really isn't the place for her. She's been out with people, she's talked to loads of societies, she just totally feels like a fish out of water. For the record she is quite alternative looking - short hair, piercings, a few (small) tattoos, dresses in baggy tees, combats and sweatshirts. She feels she really doesn't fit in and is not feeling very welcomed by either her flatmates or any of the societies she's been interested in. She's also gay and very open about it which she feels has made her an outlier in her apartment. She's not sporty and never has been so meeting friends that way isn't an option.

She has already spoken to UEA which was her second favourite and they will take her for her chosen course but she has to make the decision by tomorrow midday... which is very soon. Also there's no accommodation left on campus, only in Norwich centre which feels like it could be another mistake if she's away from everyone else. I'm not so worried about UEA itself - I loved it there on the offer visit and I remember saying to her that it felt like a fantastic place to go. I also think she may actually be happier there... just a feeling though, I have no real proof of this.

My son, who is just about to start second year at Sheffield Uni, thinks she should give it another week/two weeks and then drop out and take a year out rather than make a hurried decision to go to UEA. He had a gap year and loved it, loved applying with grades in hand but then he did his A'levels in 2021 and loads of them had a gap year just to have a bit of normal life after covid lockdown times. He also landed himself an ace job in the industry he wanted to work in eventually so it wasn't a hardship for him. He also said he always thought Exeter was a weird choice for her.

She's quite fragile - has had history of self harm and depression and the last thing I want for her is to be unhappy. But equally, I don't want her to rush into something she may regret. Neither my husband or myself went to uni - we are so proud of her but we have no real experience in this.

It's so far away from us too - I can't just get in the car and go to her.

Not sure how she ignored all our advice, I mean some of us - not me necessarily - actually did advise she drop Exeter and go with UEA.

It takes me back. I went to Bristol in the late 90s, hated it though it was a top 5 uni (it isn't now). At the start of the second year I had a moment of realisation upon returning and tried to get into another place. One London uni - I can't even recall the name - did have a place on offer, I could start with the second year there, nothing lost. Even had a student room there available. It was down the pecking order from Bristol however. Plus it just seemed too easy and I bottled it. Continued at Bristol, later the stuff about the Bristol Suicides came out, I can't honestly say I'm surprised.
In the third year a fresher a fortnight in was down in the dumps and toying with going to Birmingham, at the time - and possibly now, I don't know - a lesser uni. He couldn't get on with the poshness of Bristol, the vibe. I stressed it was his opinion but I did validate it and said he wasn't wrong. 'If you stay, it will get better, you will meet people you can hang out with,' I said. 'But you'll never feel like this was really the place you were meant to be.' He did relocate to Birmingham and word got back he was enjoying it.
I did everything I was supposed to do and it did mess me up really. I got my 2:1 but... I guess the biggest mistake was going to Bristol Uni, the second biggest mistake was staying there when I did have the chance to leave.

@NewspaperTaxis Thank you for sharing, your post resonated xx I know what you mean.

To be honest I think she has made the right decision and wish her every success,

I would have been a bit annoyed too, OP - especially as it sounds like it was very much influenced by her friends. Sounds like she had already decided to leave whatever, and the not fitting in was the narrative to justify it.
But as others have said, what's done is done, and as she has a history of depression and self-harm you will be keen to support anything that seems to make her happier.

I would keep an eye out to make sure a pattern of behaviour doesn't emerge however. One of DS's uni friends had switched from another uni for similar reasons, and then throughout uni there seemed to be a whole litany of problems: switching accommodation due to friendship issues (twice); switching modules ('the lecturer didn't like her') and various problems with decisions made then changed. She has just left her grad scheme job after 4 months!

I think uni is a good time to begin to learn to develop resilience and sometimes confront issues - useful skills for later in life.

Hope your daughter is happy and things work out well for her at UEA!

• she’s not dropping out completely
• she’s going to a good uni
• she will have friends around to support her

We've signed a contract for 44 weeks at Pablo Fanque student accommodation in central Norwich so even if she gets the offer of a room in campus halls, finances mean she won't be taking it up!

my daughter did similar and moved to UEA, she is also a little alternative.
It's worked out well for her and she graduated this summer.

She has stayed in Norwich and I can see why as its a lovely place and suits her

I wish your daughter luck let's hope it works for her too

thank you for this - I'm so sorry you went through that. I hope you get back to studying somewhere fabulous that suits you too. I've been to a lot of uni's recently if you ned any help picking one...😆

I'm not down on UEA - I genuinely loved it when we visited. Just frustrated at a teen and her faffy ways! I tell you what though, this was one really good way to shake off any empty nest blues....

Very wise words.

I guess I just meant advice to give it a few more weeks. I wish she'd at least started her course because this year it was ALL about the course and how amaaaaaazing it was.

Thanks, and I absolutely understand your point of view. 'Only NOW so you tell us you had misgivings...' and on top of that, after your doing all the work and doing the parent rite of passage thing of seeing your kid off, it all seemingly gets hijacked by her mates bending her ear.. It may feel like that but...

I don't really get the whole 'find your tribe' stuff on this thread. Okay, I do, but if you don't get on with uni, then sure there'll be people like you there. But they'll be just as miserable, it becomes a bit misery likes company.

Not that it matters, but I'm a bloke and I guess it makes no difference to the thread. But along with everything else, trying to find a girlfriend in a setting where socially the odds are stacked against you... Romance, like a good many things, is more of a numbers game than we admit. You feel like you're playing a poor hand you've been dealt with, worse than which real life might deal you.
As for it being academically superior, I totally get that but I look back and feel I was blinded by academic snobbery. It's like getting to marry (not even just cop off with) the best looking person in your class before figuring out whether you get on with each other etc or not.

That said, you get people agonising over paint colours on Mumsnet - I am currently! - and with that you can find you've got the wrong one! It's bloody hard making a decision about uni at a time when most young people really don't know about life - I certainly didn't, looking back - and there's that thing of choosing what one would like to be right for you, and what actually is.

Anyway, I'll shut up about myself!

The first two months are always the most difficult. I don't blame her for feeling that way but it will get better! Tell her to try and get to Christmas and it will seem much better!

I think that horse has bolted, @MarchionessOfMayhem !

Having heard everything you’ve said about your DD and having gone to UEA, I sense she’ll fit right in and enjoy it! Norwich is a fabulous city. UEA is a wonderful place to grow. I’ll be rooting for her and hope the move all goes well. 😊

Makes sense now - she was anticipating that Exeter would not be right for her so the back-up plan to move to UEA was at the forefront of her mind from the get-go.
She still very much has a teenage brain from how she has dealt with this but at least she is able to go where she feels she needs to be thanks to your support.

Oh OP! 💐🍷🍷💐

What a rollercoaster for your dd and you all.

I wish your dd a wonderful time at UEA.

As a result of you interesting thread I am rather put off Exeter now as an option for my own dc 😂. Do they really all have Minis they drive around in?

As a question to those who know, what's more posh and a bit impenetrable: Oxbridge or Exeter? Or are they were different and Exeter is more like St Andrews /Durham? Please be kind if these are totally idiotic questions.

Again OP, you are an amazing mum now let your dd settle in and next: prioritise yourself and enjoy your new won freedom.

@MrsMatilda don't be put off, go and see! Student satisfaction is super-high at Exeter and I think it's because for those who like it, they like it a lot!

I visited Norwich for a weekend with friends maybe 15 years ago, I liked it a lot. A Norman castle! Just had a friendly vibe to it. A drink in a pub garden, lanterns, chilled and low key. Almost a bit like Kingston-upon-Thames.

As for which is posher, my own opinion is that Oxford and Cambridge are posh but in a different way (more formalized poshness, like formal hall) but that varies and both are keen to have large numbers from comps now, and both have over 60% from state schools, and I think Oxford is near 72% or something like that.

I have one at Oxbridge and one at Exeter.
My impression would be that both have a lot more diversity than people give them credit for but probably less than some other unis.
Oxbridge is more ethnically diverse than many unis but has a lot of international students which adds to that. There is diversity in terms of "class" and income but it might not be as noticeable - for example, one of DC's best friends has the maximum loan due to parental income and also gets a huge bursary from the college so actually has a lot more money than DC (who gets the maximum loan amount but partly from us). Living costs in the particular college I know are much less than those in Exeter. Most students seem to embrace the formals and balls and "posh" bits even if that's not at all where they come from (like my own child). My DC (state school, London, middle class) has more friends from extremely posh indies than I would have expected (all of whom are very nice) but also lots of friends from a variety of backgrounds. London is over-represented amongst that DC's friends.
Exeter is not very ethnically diverse I would say, certainly not as much as we are used to at home/school etc in London. Several of DC's friends are not white so it's not completely undiverse but it's a lot less so. They don't have as many overseas students. It's a lot more sporty so attracts a certain type of person. My DC is very sporty so that suits. The Exeter DC's experience has been that they have more friends from state schools than the Oxbridge DC. They have probably avoided certain social settings like rugby club night (but to be fair they'd both probably try and avoid that). There is money and it's probably more obvious than at the Oxbridge college we know. There are plenty of very normal people with normal amounts of money as well. There are plenty of students who have to work in term time (unlike Oxbridge where they're not allowed).
I think both my DC would say there is a small but unhealthy smattering of ludicrous d*heads at both unis and that they are easy to avoid. The Oxbridge one would say that they are pretty much universally despised but admits that that is not necessarily the case at all colleges (they would name the colleges that are more likely to tolerate then but I won't on a public forum). The Exeter one would say that there is a bit more of a tolerance of them in very much the same way as a couple of the colleges but that it is not a big issue as the numbers are small.
Both my children are happy where they are and glad they made their choices. Fwiw, both expected to choose big diverse busy cities such as Liverpool. In the end, the courses won out but so did a feel for where they could imagine being happiest.
(Maybe the next one will go to a big city!)

@NewspaperTaxis It was very chill and pleasant & low-key in the nicest way possible. Yes - Norman castle is very impressive. I defo remember it having a pleasant and inviting vibe 🙃

@MrsMatilda my DD is just starting 3rd year at Exeter and is really positive about the uni. It has a great academic reputation coupled with excellent sports clubs.

Re rugby (as it was mentioned in the original post) - it’s is very big at Exeter, and DD who had never shown any interest in the game despite having older brothers who played, soon found herself swept along with flatmates and assorted boyfriends to watch home matches and the varsity matches.

From observation, I think it’s a uni that suits those who like to be part of the crowd, are willing to “have a go” at new stuff, and happy to get involved whether that’s in sports, theatre or whatever makes you feel good!

That’s not to say the Op’s daughter wasn’t like that - but it does sound as though she was hoping to go to Exeter with friends who didn’t meet the grades and have gone to UEA and encouraged ops DD to join them.

Please go along with your DC and let them choose for themself if they think it could be the right place for them.

OP what a tiring and expensive rollercoaster. Parenting this age group is hard. Hope DD really is happy at UEA and one day you will laugh with her about her 72 hours as an Exeter student.

I know it's not the popular opinion, but I hated living in the halls when I was at uni. It was very cliques - the men owned the common areas and would sit there for hours getting drunk and rating all the women; the women cloistered in each other's rooms and watched teen dramas all evening. I didn't connect with any of them.and felt like I was constantly at school. I got a house share with some other students in the second year and was so much happier. It was quieter, I got an off-campus job I loved, I started volunteering at a local museum and got involved with the local theatre group. I made some real friends and then several of us ended up living together for the rest of our time there.

Not everyone is made for the typical on-campus student experience, and that's not a bad thing. She can still have a wonderful time at Uni. I absolutely did.

I think it's best that she made the decision and acted on it. Yes, she may well have settled at Exeter, but if you persuaded her to stay and she was miserable it would forever have been your fault!
I hope she goes on to have a great time at UEA

I'm very late to this thread @ExeterWoes, but for what it's worth I think it will all work out for the best. DD took a similar instant dislike to Cardiff a few years ago and we encouraged her to stick it out for a bit to see if it improved. She lasted seven weeks - ended up having to pay a term's fees (the least of our worries really), but was very bruised mentally by the experience. If I could turn the clock back I would have brought her straight home - nothing was served by her staying on to see if she could make it work. She ended up taking the rest of the year out - then the pandemic struck so in the end the timing wasn't terrible - and started a new course the following autumn (at a university in Paris which is where we live). But the experience badly knocked her confidence - she's gone on to do really well, graduated this year, and is now taking a year out to do an internship before she starts her Masters, but you don't have to scratch the surface very hard to see the scars are there. Sometimes there's really nothing to be gained by giving it more time - it sounds like your DD knew it wasn't right for her and wasn't afraid to say so and act on her instincts. I wish her every success at UEA - and she's got out of Exeter with no fees to pay and hopefully no lasting ill effects. Onwards and upwards.