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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

Original poster

Thoughts on WIWIKAU

224 replies

Newtothismother · 16/07/2023 01:28

A friend of mine suggested I join this group on Facebook as my son and I are researching university courses (he is in year 12). I did so a few months ago. I am disappointed in it - posters congratulate students on getting a 2.2/third; literally every other poster has SEN; there are multiple posts by mums saying they dreading their kids going to uni and will swoop them up at first sign of adversity. Did my friend send me down a rabbit hole or is this a reputable group? Have only just joined MN HE group but it is much better and speaks hard truths which may be difficult to hear but are invaluable

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 26/07/2023 09:41

Yes. I sometimes wonder if I am too hard hearted, but as an older parent I really want DD to not have to rely on us as she needs to be independent and self sufficient as we won't be around forever.

We are rural and there aren't the same work opportunities round here, especially for non drivers. I expected her to seek work elsewhere and was happy for her to stay in her university city to live and work.

It is only a two hour drive for me to visit.

Mixituposis · 26/07/2023 09:52

The conversation here sums MN up quite well - sneering at other people’s parenting and boasting about your own. So much of the “I did it this way look at me aren’t I brilliant? My kid is amazing because of my amazing parenting skills” bollocks 😂

The affronts to MN re WIWIKAU seem mainly class based IME. Sneering at people that do things differently to you, making them lesser and you better somehow.

Give me WIWIKAU any day. Happy to wade through packed cars, upset mums at losing DCs, grad pics, same old questions asked by those who are unsure. It’s not snidy one upmanship like it is here.

Spirallingdownwards · 26/07/2023 11:53

Willmafrockfit · 20/07/2023 07:16

in fact just had a look and the of recent posts are from anonymous members now!

That'll be the MN members who use both!

RampantIvy · 26/07/2023 11:56

I rarely post on there, but I don't post anonymously.

Spirallingdownwards · 26/07/2023 12:03

RampantIvy · 26/07/2023 11:56

I rarely post on there, but I don't post anonymously.

I meant the ones who have read this thread and are now worried that their "same info" will out them here.

Spirallingdownwards · 26/07/2023 12:05

I read both and both have some bat shit crazy stuff from time to time.

I also see (on both) people getting to know other posters and personally think it is normal to want to let people you have bonded with over yours kids how they get on. I am on one of the cohort HE threads here and its lovely to hear updates.

TizerorFizz · 26/07/2023 12:30

@RampantIvy Im an older parent too. Maybe that does make a difference? DDs won’t be working in their careers where we live either!

RampantIvy · 26/07/2023 12:40

@Spirallingdownwards I have found the cohort threads on here extremely helpful.

There are a number of posters on WIWIKAU whose measured replies are excellent and not dramatic at all, and I don't mind all the celebratory graduation photos either.

This cohort have been through a lot, starting university during lockdown and feeling isolated much of the time, and I think they should be able to celebrate.

Spirallingdownwards · 26/07/2023 16:04

RampantIvy · 26/07/2023 12:40

@Spirallingdownwards I have found the cohort threads on here extremely helpful.

There are a number of posters on WIWIKAU whose measured replies are excellent and not dramatic at all, and I don't mind all the celebratory graduation photos either.

This cohort have been through a lot, starting university during lockdown and feeling isolated much of the time, and I think they should be able to celebrate.

agree totally with this whole post

Nextlifestage · 26/07/2023 16:34

I think there are such different life experiences out there.
One of my dc's friends is hoping to go to uni this year. His parents commented that, when they took him to an open day, it was the first time either of them had been inside a university. They both have good jobs etc but basically they and almost all their siblings live in the same town as they grew up and have never moved away. My DH and I both left home at 18 for uni and never went back.
So my feelings about dc2 going to uni and leaving me with an empty nest are that this is what I expected since my children were born (obviously I'd also have been fine had they chosen a different path but this was the assumed path) and this is a normal part of life.
His friends parents have an older child who has stayed at home and got a job. They are really pleased and proud that dc2 is going to go to uni. But it's not normal for them. There are lots of "how will we cope?" comments which are totally different from how I feel but I understand why they are feeling this way. They've had a couple of years to get their heads round this - as opposed to my 18 - and they don't know what he's going to experience when he gets there. Even though my children's experiences are/will be different from mine in the 90s, there's still a shared experience and understanding there that they don't have.
I feel like wiwikau is great for parents like that as they can talk to others in the same boat and those with enough experience to help...
I do think this board is too negative often to help. People come on concerned about finance and others pile in with "well why haven't you planned for this for a decade or more?" - it's scary for people to ask questions that other people perceive as lacking in "basic" knowledge

TizerorFizz · 26/07/2023 20:23

I do find that lacking in curiosity though. Don’t parents see Dc doing well at school snd think “what if?” and begin to look for uni info? Most people I know who haven’t been, plus family who haven’t been, do have a friend somewhere who has or even has got to know parents at school. I realise this is more of a challenge in sn area with low uni attendance, but the teachers have been. There’s usually a few more that you might come across to ask to get you started.

RampantIvy · 26/07/2023 21:43

In state secondary schools parents don't really get to know each other @TizerorFizz. I knew a couple of DD's friends' parents to say hello to but that was all.

I think that a good school encourages pupils to seriously consider higher education and will engage with the parents, which is what happened at DD's school, but in areas of lower attainment I expect that university is not on the radar for many.

lastdayatschool · 26/07/2023 22:01

@RampantIvy - that's an invalid assumption re state schools.

DH and I know a good number of other parents in DSs cohort - primarily due to standing at the side of rugby and cricket pitches with them for the last 7 years supporting our sons

RampantIvy · 26/07/2023 22:08

DD wasn't sporty, neither were any of her friends. Maybe the parents of sporty kids got to know each other. Other posters often post on MN about not knowing other parents once their DC are at secondary school, so it wasn't just DD's school.

TizerorFizz · 26/07/2023 23:23

Well we did know lots of parents because of music and drama mostly. However I didn’t just mean secondary. Parents get an idea of how DC are doing at primary now. Much clearer info than my parents had about me and my siblings. So primary teachers can be an early source of aiming higher. DH was the first to go to uni in his family and his primary y6 teacher told his parents to consider uni for him.

My siblings were also the first to go to uni in our family. Someone has to be first! My DM was teased in the factory she worked in. They took responsibility for choices but the careers room at our school was unstaffed and had a few brochures for unis. No careers advice at all (it was a grammar school). So I know what it’s like to know nothing. Plus I didn’t go to uni. Now I really do think you can find info so easily it’s a very non curious parent that doesn’t find out a little bit more to help the process if Dc are doing well.

Sycamorethanever · 27/07/2023 07:14

Nextlifestage · 26/07/2023 16:34

I think there are such different life experiences out there.
One of my dc's friends is hoping to go to uni this year. His parents commented that, when they took him to an open day, it was the first time either of them had been inside a university. They both have good jobs etc but basically they and almost all their siblings live in the same town as they grew up and have never moved away. My DH and I both left home at 18 for uni and never went back.
So my feelings about dc2 going to uni and leaving me with an empty nest are that this is what I expected since my children were born (obviously I'd also have been fine had they chosen a different path but this was the assumed path) and this is a normal part of life.
His friends parents have an older child who has stayed at home and got a job. They are really pleased and proud that dc2 is going to go to uni. But it's not normal for them. There are lots of "how will we cope?" comments which are totally different from how I feel but I understand why they are feeling this way. They've had a couple of years to get their heads round this - as opposed to my 18 - and they don't know what he's going to experience when he gets there. Even though my children's experiences are/will be different from mine in the 90s, there's still a shared experience and understanding there that they don't have.
I feel like wiwikau is great for parents like that as they can talk to others in the same boat and those with enough experience to help...
I do think this board is too negative often to help. People come on concerned about finance and others pile in with "well why haven't you planned for this for a decade or more?" - it's scary for people to ask questions that other people perceive as lacking in "basic" knowledge

This.

All the information out there online can be and is hugely overwhelming. Individual uni sites, discover uni, what uni, UCAS, WIWIKAU, student room etc etc. Few parent friends are so close that you can have a reliable conversation about it. There’s competitiveness, judgement & secrecy: this is reality.

I can definitely see why WIWIKAU is so popular - it’s a place where no question is shot down as too dumb/been asked too many times, there’s no judgement and even if you’ve done hours & hours of research it’s a great place to check your findings with others.

RampantIvy · 27/07/2023 08:11

Few parent friends are so close that you can have a reliable conversation about it.

That was true for me. My close friends either don't have children or have DC at a different life stage to me.

Nextlifestage · 27/07/2023 08:51

TizerorFizz · 26/07/2023 23:23

Well we did know lots of parents because of music and drama mostly. However I didn’t just mean secondary. Parents get an idea of how DC are doing at primary now. Much clearer info than my parents had about me and my siblings. So primary teachers can be an early source of aiming higher. DH was the first to go to uni in his family and his primary y6 teacher told his parents to consider uni for him.

My siblings were also the first to go to uni in our family. Someone has to be first! My DM was teased in the factory she worked in. They took responsibility for choices but the careers room at our school was unstaffed and had a few brochures for unis. No careers advice at all (it was a grammar school). So I know what it’s like to know nothing. Plus I didn’t go to uni. Now I really do think you can find info so easily it’s a very non curious parent that doesn’t find out a little bit more to help the process if Dc are doing well.

I can see what you're saying but I think this is maybe a bit more of an "in between" generation. From the late 90s/early 2000s it became more normal than otherwise to go to uni - so I think many primary school teachers wouldn't think of suggesting it as a "your child would really suit this path" thing as they would assume that parents would think that rather than not. The parents I was talking about - you wouldn't automatically know they hadn't been to uni themselves so wouldn't necessarily feel the need to "educate" them about it. I knew they hadn't been but was still shocked that they said they'd never set foot in a uni (although why would they?)
They're quite laid back so have let their DC do most of the work in terms of courses/unis and haven't really been involved in the process themselves.
I suppose it's perfectly possible to find the info - but if you wouldn't find out lots of information about your other DC's employment options and leave it up to them to find a job they want to do, I suppose there is an argument that you also wouldn't see the need to start finding out loads about uni.
Until suddenly you realise there are things that do impact you as parents.

thing47 · 27/07/2023 10:57

lastdayatschool · 26/07/2023 22:01

@RampantIvy - that's an invalid assumption re state schools.

DH and I know a good number of other parents in DSs cohort - primarily due to standing at the side of rugby and cricket pitches with them for the last 7 years supporting our sons

I don't think it's possible to generalise about this. My 3 are all incredibly sporty – of the 2 who were educated in this country, 1 plays one sport to a very high level and the other represented her school at 8 different sports.

But I probably watched them only a handful of times at school because matches were midweek in working hours and I work! I did watch them play club and county sport because those matches were at weekends.

OneFrenchEgg · 27/07/2023 11:29

Mine are sporty, and into drama - I don't know any of the other parents except the ones we met at primary school. Never really has opportunities to chat except at shows when everyone is with families anyway. But I did see that other parents were really friendly with each other so I suspect it's a bit hit and miss.

lastdayatschool · 27/07/2023 11:42

@thing47 - that's exactly what I meant - you can't make assumptions/ generalise re. parents being friends with each other or not.

EversoDetermined · 27/07/2023 12:10

When the DCs were younger I did get to know other parents through sports etc but after about age 15 they tended to be getting there under their own steam or lift sharing and parents didn’t stand on the side as they did when they were younger (DS played in men’s teams from about age 15). I also think that there are many families who cannot access these activities easily and they are the ones most likely to need support in uni applications etc too.

RampantIvy · 27/07/2023 15:05

There is a post on there about having vaccinations before going to university. One parent says that her child has had no vaccinations at all and she used homeopathy and relies on her child's strong immune system.

I'm just waiting for it to kick off.

RampantIvy · 27/07/2023 16:44

Her post has been deleted and so have a number of replies.

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