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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

Original poster

Talk sense to me about DD not applying to Oxbridge

176 replies

MixedFeeling · 08/04/2023 07:47

DD is very strong academically, straight 9s at GCSE and on track for 4 A stars at A level. She wants to study psychology.

I’d always imagined she might apply to Oxford or Cambridge but yesterday she told me that she doesn’t want to. Her reasons are that she thinks it will be stressful, that she thinks the other students will be too serious and she wants to be in a bigger city with more going on. On her list are Bristol, Edinburgh, Glasgow and Leeds.

WWYD? I don’t know whether I should just leave it or ask her to give it more thought- I think she’s wrong about Oxbridge students all being serious and it being especially stressful (DH and I were both at Cambridge and that was certainly not our experience- our friends were a mixed bag and the tutorial system was very supportive. Nb I’m aware that the fact we were both there has probably subconsciously informed our expectations for DD.)

Obviously the choice is hers ultimately. But I don’t want her to decide based on false information or fear of failure and then regret it. Keep talking or leave it?

OP posts:
Shamoo · 08/04/2023 08:48

I did my degree at Oxford and my masters at Cambridge and I am amazed you don’t think that studying at Oxbridge is higher pressure and more stressful than other universities. I had friends doing the same degree at other top universities and the workloads were not even close to comparable. Ultimately I had a good time at both and made some great friends (I think that depends a lot on college choice) but the workload was horrific and by the time finals came around over half my housemates (so at least six) were on antidepressants.

YellowGreenBlue · 08/04/2023 08:49

I was at Cambridge and I'm not sure about my children applying there. I enjoyed it but I did feel stupid a lot of the time. Having said that, it has opened doors for me in my career. I guess I'll support them in whatever they choose.

AngelinaFibres · 08/04/2023 09:01

yogaretreat · 08/04/2023 08:16

What do people mean about University not mattering?

My brother has just secured training programme at top law firm in London and they only hire from Cambridge and Oxford.

My DH is a recruiter for the biggest tech companies in the world and they massively look at university, they have a list of top institutions globally that they look to hire from and rarely deviate.

That's such a pathetic and outdated way to recruit. I thought we were moving away from that.

littelmadnyness · 08/04/2023 09:08

My DD also didn't apply for the same reasons. She was worried about her mental health and the thought of leaving home was a big enough step without all the extra social and academic pressures at Oxbridge. She was also advised by family members who went there and are similar in temperament.

I think it's great she's listening to herself and is mature enough to withstand external pressure. It sounds as if she's very capable and self aware. She might want to do a postgraduate course there - who knows.

All the best to your daughter.

yogaretreat · 08/04/2023 09:09

I didn't say I agree with it. When I've hired I've interviewed people without a degree though I had to argue it with my director. I'm just saying that is how google/meta etc hire engineers.

Simonjt · 08/04/2023 09:10

I went to Cambridge, I didn’t like it as it is still a regret and I’m 35, the only person who should get a say about which university is the person who intends to go.

Kizzy192 · 08/04/2023 09:11

One of my close friends had a breakdown due to the pressures of Cambridge workload, stress, etc. She was always an extremely high achiever and worked hard for it, but seeing her go through that vs my experience of uni put me off Oxbridge. I'm 30, so may be a little out of date but I don't suppose uni culture changes all that much.

Slimjimtobe · 08/04/2023 09:13

You’ve raised a fantastic daughter op!
she will be top of her class and will go to a great uni from those options. I would say support her and keep a positive relationship (which you already are doing).

dew141 · 08/04/2023 09:14

That's such a pathetic and outdated way to recruit. I thought we were moving away from that.

I don't have that big an issue with it (and I don't have an Oxbridge degree). Firms often choose a process that gets them the candidates they want in a resource-efficient way. Sure, they'll miss some good candidates but they're honing in on the type of person they want and it's an easy way to filter applications.

I remember a Q&A with a management consultancy grad (one of the larger three who pretty much just recruit from Oxbridge and the Ivy League). He said one of his peers had a degree from Oxford, two blues for different sports, something or other from Harvard, climbed Everest and various other impressive achievements and was considered unexceptional in his year. Made me laugh.

BelindaBears · 08/04/2023 09:15

I was an Oxbridge candidate and decided not to apply. I just didn’t want to live there or work in that environment, I knew it wouldn’t suit me. Trust your DD and get over it.

RampantIvy · 08/04/2023 09:15

It's very much an "old boy's school" view isn't it @AngelinaFibres. They don't want any old pleb working for them.

Unfortunately, some of the lawyers on mumsnet still hold this view, although they were robustly challenged about this on another higher education thread.

@MixedFeeling if you look at graduate prospects for psychology on the CUG neither Oxbridge universities feature in the top 10.

Architectahoy · 08/04/2023 09:16

Tbh @yogaretreat - Google / meta are doing mass redundancies at the moment. They are in no way role models for recruitment techniques or staff retention.

In fact there were Google strikes / walkouts last week in London.

Parker231 · 08/04/2023 09:20

dew141 · 08/04/2023 09:14

That's such a pathetic and outdated way to recruit. I thought we were moving away from that.

I don't have that big an issue with it (and I don't have an Oxbridge degree). Firms often choose a process that gets them the candidates they want in a resource-efficient way. Sure, they'll miss some good candidates but they're honing in on the type of person they want and it's an easy way to filter applications.

I remember a Q&A with a management consultancy grad (one of the larger three who pretty much just recruit from Oxbridge and the Ivy League). He said one of his peers had a degree from Oxford, two blues for different sports, something or other from Harvard, climbed Everest and various other impressive achievements and was considered unexceptional in his year. Made me laugh.

Thankfully things are changing for the better, although too slowly in my opinion, with employers, including law firms, not restricting recruitment to specific Uni’s.

https://www.allaboutlaw.co.uk/school-leaver-law-careers/choosing-a-university/what-universities-do-magic-circle-firms-recruit-from

What universities do Magic Circle Firms recruit from?

With the competition for training contracts becoming increasingly tough, candidates are becoming more conscious of their educational background as they pursue a

https://www.allaboutlaw.co.uk/school-leaver-law-careers/choosing-a-university/what-universities-do-magic-circle-firms-recruit-from

Notellinganyone · 08/04/2023 09:21

I’m mid 50s - went to Cambridge and now a teacher. It’s far harder work and students seem to take it all a lot more seriously than in the mid80s. If she’s not keen let her be. The whole application process is pretty stressful. Having said that if school isn’t great about advice etc maybe do a tour of Unis in the summer to give her a flavour.

slackademic · 08/04/2023 09:22

It's be fast more concerned about her choosing to study psychology.

mondaytosunday · 08/04/2023 09:29

@yogaretreat that is very disappointing to read. My (as it happens, Oxford educated) husband specifically liked applicants to his firm (one of the largest in the world, but just outside of the top ten in London - I always wondered just how many lawyers are needed in this world) who didn't do law as undergraduates let alone go to Oxbridge. Your brothers firm is missing out on excellent candidates. But still, Oxbridge does carry a cache, hence so many threads about it!
You don't know how you will like a university til you go there, and I'm sure there are many students at any university also in tears after a few weeks as it's not the experience they anticipated.
I have read some of the Oxbridge threads and am so glad it wasn't/isn't on my children's radar. It sounds like such as stressful journey which more often than not ends in disappointment, on top of which everyone would know you had applied, and the inevitable looks when one has to say they did/did not get offered.
Also Psychology - my heart sinks a bit. It seems the degree du jour. But it does seem your child knows how far and how long she'd have to work. Though I have a design undergraduate degree I did my Masters in Educational Psychology (not in this country) but soon realised how competitive it would be to pursue it further (and how expensive).
OP, you've had the talk. You can raise it again and even visit the cities (I loved Cambridge myself when I went in holiday. Forget about the uni I would have moved there happily). But I'd let your daughter decide and then drop it. So many excellent alternatives.

Pourmeanotherwine · 08/04/2023 09:29

My DD is a 4 A star student who applied to Oxford and got an interview but not a place. She went to Warwick ( for maths) and is very happy there. It's probably a better fit for her than Oxford would have been.
Oxbridge is inevitably more pressured as they have to do in 8 week terms the work other students do in 10 week terms, so there is less time for hobbies and social stuff. At Warwick, DD has had time for weekly figure skating lessons, played sax in the Big Band, been clubbing a lot, joined a church, and is having a great time. The work is full on, and she does a lot of hours, but has time for a social life as well. She also had good kitchen access from year 1, which would have been a problem in a lot of Oxford colleges.This is important to her as a vegan.

user146539089 · 08/04/2023 09:33

My ds was put onto the Oxbridge programme at his sixth form college but hasn’t pursued it. I think he’s watched tiktoks made by current students who talk about how much work it is and how pressured it is. This is a world parents wouldn’t necessarily see but our dc gather information in different ways. I’m also hearing stories about Oxbridge graduates getting 2.1s and not being able to get onto certain programmes, believing they’d have done better elsewhere.

measuringmylifeincoffeespoons · 08/04/2023 09:40

I'd encourage her to do open days and talk to students and tutors at oxbridge.

I went to Oxford - not psychology. It was definitely much more work than my peers and stressful at times. But that is because the style and quality of teaching is exceptional. I have no doubt that an Oxford degree has benefitted me hugely in my career.

DorotheaDiamond · 08/04/2023 09:44

I’m trying to discourage dd (carefully) from psych at Cambridge - I’ve looked at the course (she’s only GCSEs so hasn’t yet) and I know it won’t suit her! It’s psychology with behavioural science which looks very essay heavy which I know isn’t her forte! That’s despite both dh, and I and pretty much all my friends having gone there…I’d love her to have the experience of Cambridge that we had but it’s not the course for her!

good to hear about Glasgow - will suggest she adds it to her list when she starts looking!

Mistymoonsinastarrysky · 08/04/2023 09:48

AngelinaFibres · 08/04/2023 09:01

That's such a pathetic and outdated way to recruit. I thought we were moving away from that.

Show quote history

The old boys club mentality still prevails then?
<<shudder>>

JussathoB · 08/04/2023 09:48

Don’t talk. Go see.
Process the problem by taking action.
At the end of the day your DC will probably do very well at any of the universities mentioned.
it may be that the fact that both parents went to Cambridge is leading to her feeling she wants to do something different in order to be her own person. Not saying that’s right or wrong, just an observation.
ultimately I’m sure she will make a good choice. Try to suggest your opinions for consideration, and be respectful of her concerns and impressions. It will be fine, above all do not fall out. She has to decide ultimately.
Sometimes people go to Oxbridge for post grad …..

Sodd · 08/04/2023 09:54

Oxford is a nightmare, high stress.

Sodd · 08/04/2023 09:54

It’s her decision regardless

Midlander01 · 08/04/2023 09:54

I agree she should be looking at the course content for each of her shortlisted universities, where is best for the subject, etc then go visit each uni to get a better feel for the place and the city.

Does she prefer a 3 year English BA or the Scottish 4 year MA (just different terminology, not a masters), with potential to study a wider range of subjects alongside Psychology.