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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

Original poster

Talk sense to me about DD not applying to Oxbridge

176 replies

MixedFeeling · 08/04/2023 07:47

DD is very strong academically, straight 9s at GCSE and on track for 4 A stars at A level. She wants to study psychology.

I’d always imagined she might apply to Oxford or Cambridge but yesterday she told me that she doesn’t want to. Her reasons are that she thinks it will be stressful, that she thinks the other students will be too serious and she wants to be in a bigger city with more going on. On her list are Bristol, Edinburgh, Glasgow and Leeds.

WWYD? I don’t know whether I should just leave it or ask her to give it more thought- I think she’s wrong about Oxbridge students all being serious and it being especially stressful (DH and I were both at Cambridge and that was certainly not our experience- our friends were a mixed bag and the tutorial system was very supportive. Nb I’m aware that the fact we were both there has probably subconsciously informed our expectations for DD.)

Obviously the choice is hers ultimately. But I don’t want her to decide based on false information or fear of failure and then regret it. Keep talking or leave it?

OP posts:
MrsBunnyEars · 08/04/2023 07:49

Get over it and stop pressuring your poor daughter!

Cliff1975 · 08/04/2023 07:50

She has to want to do it. My son is at C in his third year. Whilst the experience has been fantastic in many ways it has been very stressful. The workload is high, the courses are not the best in many cases, very old fashioned delivery and not preparing them for the world of work. The students have fun but many of them are very entitled. It is not an easy option and not something I would recommend for someone doubting it.

crisscross101 · 08/04/2023 07:50

I think you've answered your own question. It's her decision.

OP, I mean this kindly (I've been guilty of trying to relive my life vicariously through my children!) but this is her life and your experiences won't be the same as hers. My DD is at a highly selective state grammar and the oxbridge applications go down year on year- it's not the be all and end all now and for some courses there are much better universities in terms of course and employability.

I don't blame her for considering Bristol. It's a fantastic place to live and study!

Freddiefan · 08/04/2023 07:50

My daughter had the opportunity to go to Oxford. She spent a couple of days there and decided it wasn't for her.

Original poster
MixedFeeling · 08/04/2023 07:52

MrsBunnyEars · 08/04/2023 07:49

Get over it and stop pressuring your poor daughter!

I’ve never pressured her to do a anything- yesterday was our first conversation- but well done for having a pop.

OP posts:
faffadoodledo · 08/04/2023 07:53

On the one hand why not just chuck an application in? It's just one in five spots on the UCAS form.

On the other hand I get it. DD has a friend who went to Durham with her. Famous Oxbridge reject institution. But friend did apply and did get a place for PPE at Oxford but decided to go to Durham instead. Friend had a ball - got involved in loads and walked into a job with a starting salary of 50k. Is happily giving that job her all in London. Friend decided she didn't want the pressure and completely owned that decision, filling her life with things she may not have been able to at Oxford. So my point is it's a valid choice.

My DD applied to Oxford and was rejected. Likewise she did loads elsewhere (in this case, Durham) and also walked into her dream job (after a Masters).
The decision not to go to Oxbridge (whether you make it yourself or it's made for you) doesn't have to negatively affect you or define you.

My DS went to Cambridge and although he did well, i do feel he could have been top of the pile elsewhere and perhaps happier. I don't know. I never will!

Wasywasydoodah · 08/04/2023 07:53

when i was at uni, oxbridge wasn’t seen as the best place for psychology

Original poster
MixedFeeling · 08/04/2023 07:53

Cliff1975 · 08/04/2023 07:50

She has to want to do it. My son is at C in his third year. Whilst the experience has been fantastic in many ways it has been very stressful. The workload is high, the courses are not the best in many cases, very old fashioned delivery and not preparing them for the world of work. The students have fun but many of them are very entitled. It is not an easy option and not something I would recommend for someone doubting it.

This is really helpful, thanks.

OP posts:
PhotoDad · 08/04/2023 07:54

With my "sixth form teacher" hat on, some of my very brightest students don't apply for Oxbridge for those reasons. They generally do extremely well at other places. Oxbridge is more highly pressured than other universities,; I'm glad that you and your DH had a good experience there, but it might not be right for her. The cities themselves are also "marmite" for people who want the bright lights. (My DD fell in love with the city of Cambridge on a visit and is now there... but at Cambridge School of Art, which is now part of ARU. But she's not a party/club type of person at all.)

yogaretreat · 08/04/2023 07:54

My brother is at Cambridge now and the workload is absolutely insane. I've never seen anyone work so hard so I can totally understand that you might not want this experience.

NotABeliever · 08/04/2023 07:56

Ask her where she got the feeling that Oxbridge is not fun and too demanding. Have a deeper conversation about where she got this information. Book a weekend in both places and show her what they are like.

Bobbybobbins · 08/04/2023 07:56

I decided against applying with a similar profile for similar reasons. Agree with previous point- it's a massive commitment work wise and you've got to really want to do it.

Original poster
MixedFeeling · 08/04/2023 07:56

crisscross101 · 08/04/2023 07:50

I think you've answered your own question. It's her decision.

OP, I mean this kindly (I've been guilty of trying to relive my life vicariously through my children!) but this is her life and your experiences won't be the same as hers. My DD is at a highly selective state grammar and the oxbridge applications go down year on year- it's not the be all and end all now and for some courses there are much better universities in terms of course and employability.

I don't blame her for considering Bristol. It's a fantastic place to live and study!

Thanks. I do agree with you- and about Bristol very much.

OP posts:
BendingSpoons · 08/04/2023 07:59

I went to a superselective grammar. I had 10 A stars at GCSE and 4 As (top grade then) at A level. I didn't apply, as it didn't offer the course I wanted. I got a first from another great uni and never gave it a second thought. If you apply, there is a pressure to accept. My friend got offers from Cambridge and Imperial for something engineering related. She really wanted to go to Imperial but ended up accepting Cambridge.

Psychology is very popular and competitive though. She should look at the details of the course, reputations, BSc/BA and factor that in too. I don't know enough to know whether Oxbridge would be the best place for Psychology.

Hercules12 · 08/04/2023 08:01

Dd was similar to yours re grades. Applied to Cambridge and offered an interview but turned it down. She loved Bristol and is there now with zero regrets.

ScentOfAMemory · 08/04/2023 08:01

My daughter applied, and was rejected at interview stage from Cambridge. She's at a different university and living her dream. She was miffed. "how dare they!" for about half an hour.

I wasn't involved for a second in any of her 5 choices. I'm a teacher, and my advice to our students' parents is to sit back and if you're asked, give your opinion. There'll be some kids who will actively need/want/require more parental advice/considerations/encouragement but the majority do approach university applications knowing what they genuinely want. If I had a fiver for every time a kid says "I want but my Dad says .." I could be on my own island in the Maldives.

You've got plenty of time. Let her do her own research into courses/universities. That's part of the fun.

(And have a read of some of the frankly insane threads on here where parental disappointment and resentment ooze from every pore because people think our hopes and desires for our kids outweigh their own) (Not saying this is you OP- but it certainly helps with putting things into perspective and thinking "jeez, that could have been me if I weren't so normal and sensible" 😂)

MindPalace · 08/04/2023 08:04

DDs both went to / go to Oxbridge and work shockingly hard. They often talk about their friends at other universities and how their workload is so light - and with more ‘blind’ recruitment these days, who cares where you went? DD2 just did an insight day type thing at a Magic Circle law firm and she was the only Oxbridge student there. Things are more equal now, which is a positive, so your DD should go to a city she likes.

My nephew is in his first year at Bristol and according to him has had two essays to do all year, and only one end of year exam. Honestly it feels about as much work as my girls have in one week. And he has had an amazing time! Partying, making friends and brunches!

So there is definitely a (better?) life outside Oxbridge.

TitoMojito · 08/04/2023 08:04

It's her life and her choice. If she doesn't want to go to Oxbridge, she doesn't have to. She isn't you.

RampantIvy · 08/04/2023 08:04

Stay out of it. It has to be her decision.

MindPalace · 08/04/2023 08:05

Btw there was zero pressure from me for DDs to go to Oxbridge.

Random789 · 08/04/2023 08:07

I don't think it makes sense to have a strong preference for Oxford or Cambridge unless there is a particular course at one of those universities that suits your daughter's interest, which is not offered elsewhere, or whic is known for being taught better at Oxford or Cambridge.

It's important to look at each course, each faculty and make evidenced decisions. It could well be that for a particular course another university is better.
From my ( decades old! probably out of date now!) experience of Oxford, psychology would be taught as part of a PPP course, which may or may not be right for her),

And then there are the social variables, too. My son wasn't interested in applying to Oxford because he felt like the collegiate system amounted to a rather cossetted, parochial form of student life. Not sure he was right about that, but it was one of the things that mattered to him.

It always surprises me how much more rather than less Oxford and Cambridge seemeto be viewed as the obvious first preference. There is such a huge supermarket of opportunities now, and I guess I feel that we need to trust our children to shop for what they need.

It sounds like your daughter is very on the ball and conscientious, so I would try not to worry too much.

KeepingKeepingOn · 08/04/2023 08:07

I was at C and had a student welfare role - I can think of at least 3 very bright, talented students in tears in my room after their first 3-4 weeks. Not because it was too hard, but because it wasn’t the experience they wanted it to be and they had come because they didn’t want to disappoint their parents / their parents had told them they would love it.

I would say to leave it, honestly. She’ll have a good sense what the experience is going to be from you / DH and most important thing is that she feels this is entirely her decision.

PiranhaTank · 08/04/2023 08:07

My son applied to Cambridge and Imperial College and was offered a place at both but decided he would rather go to Glasgow. He had the time of his life there, made wonderful friends and is now earning more than 50k in a very interesting but not particularly stressful job.
It's not for you to decide, leave your daughter make her own choices, she'll only resent you if you push her down a road she doesn't want to go down - and I'm speaking from experience there.

EvelynBeatrice · 08/04/2023 08:09

Your daughter needs to speak to existing students at some of these universities and look on the Student Room. Higher education is a disaster at the moment with students education and futures being thrown on the strikers bonfire. Overseas Students on some courses are at risk of breaching their visas here because they have had so little face time with faculty. Uk and certainly overseas students are paying huge fees to effectively teach themselves with threats to refuse any oversight of dissertations even in final years and most recently to mark exams. Some universities have been forced to refund some proportion of tuition fees.

EvelynBeatrice · 08/04/2023 08:12

And yes I get that quality of life and a less pressurised environment may be desirable - but receiving virtually no input or guidance or support from university staff and faculty which is the reality at eg Bristol at the moment isn't great either.