DH is limiting Y12 DC to universities in the north due to ££££

[BatteredHonda]

DC is in Y12 and wants to apply to KCL, Bristol and Exeter - alongside other unis. DC will qualify for minimum maintenance loan and we are therefore expected to top up/pay the accommodation. We struggle to make ends meet as it is so DH has said DC canNOT apply to southern unis - let alone London ones. He is recommending Leicester, Newcastle, Swansea, Belfast etc instead. DC is furious but I do get where DH coming from. What are your thoughts?

Hi, OP -

I am an academic and I agree with the distinction some PPs are making here.

It is unquestionably for you and DH to decide what you can afford to contribute. Topping up to the max maintenance loan will put your DC on a reasonable if not extravagant financial foundation, the same as many other students. Your whole family has reason to be fine with that.

Now it is for DC to work with that reality and make the best of it. When parents try to exert inappropriate control, their DC either waste valuable energy fighting back or, more alarmingly, they don’t. They go into a shell, stop trying their best, become depressed, etc. They lose their budding sense of agency in thee world. They begin uni at a big disadvantage.

Your DC needs their energy now for their exams and to grow up and develop that sense of agency. Please do what you can to help DH see this and back off.

You get a bigger loan for london and it does cover rent but he would have to work but there is plenty of work!

My dd looked at Manchester, Lancaster, Bath, Bristol and Cardiff. We told her we could afford to buy a house she could live in if she chose Manchester or Lancaster but she would get less financial support if choosing other 3. We promised her any profit we made on house she could keep. We breathed a sigh of relief when she opted for Manchester. Bought a house where she lived with other students for 4 years then we sold house and made a little profit which we gave to DD to put towards a deposit on her own house.

I'd prioritise the course but be clear how much you can afford so your child can decide on digs and part time jobs accordingly.

Even within a city accomm can vary wildly. I went to a rich Oxford college with subsidised accommodation for four years. My friend went to a poorer Oxford college and had to find private accommodation which cost more than London.

Your husband has a very valid point and it is good to set out exactly what financial support you are willing/able to make. However if you son wants to go to another university I also don't think he should be prevented from applying. But a plan of action will be needed. He will need to work to fund himself. My first is due to go to uni this year, I will contribute as will his dad (we are divorced) both household finances mean they will only get the minimum loan, so top up will be to around the maximum from us as parents. We could afford to pay more, but as a matter of principle I won't be. I had to work through univerity as did my ex husband and I full expect my children to do so. If they don't they have a generous Child trust fund maturing (which was largely contributed to over the last 18 years by grandparent, very forunate, but good financial planning, so there was a fallback for uni) however both of my children have expressed not wanting to use this money for uni (as it could be used for other things such as travelling, car purchase or even towards property deposit) therefore if they want extra they will have to work. That can be in different formats, a gap year to work full time and save as much as possible, getting a term time part time job, or finding work in the holdiays. Alternatively we have an excellent university in our home town, they could attend there and need no loan, continue with existing part time job, or get another part time job and live at home rent free. Whatever your financial circumstances, kids need to be fully informed and make informed decisions, money doesn;t grow on trees and it has to be worked hard for. I have talked my teen out of a london uiniversity as the cost would be too high and would probably end up living at home and commuting in for lectures after the first year.

I think DC needs to find the right course and location for them.

Rather than banning any options have mature conversations about how much you can realistically help and how far that will go.

So if you choose to go here and get in you will need to make x amount of money to make it work.

Also help them learn budgeting and cheap meals.

There's risks taking loans for the wrong course in the wrong location. I had several friends drop out in the first two years as they just hated where they were. They all ended up going somewhere else but not before shelling out for tuition fees, rent and books. Choosing the wrong place could easily be a false economy in the long run.

My ds didn't work during college either. (due to musical rather than sporting activities). But he has found it easier to work at uni as he is physically in far less hours.

Sounds like he needs a gap year working then. It's very risky to just assume he can pick cheap halls. In many cases there simply is no choice and you're allocated what you're allocated.

DS will get minimum maintenance loan. We will use that for rent and top it up to cover his rent completely. He will then get £500 a month to live on.

We discouraged DS3 from applying to London, we're Scottish, our loans are different and the minimum is really v stingy with no London weighting, if he turns out to be a high flyer he can save up and do a Masters in London.
Were mid fifties and need to hurry up and put more money into our pensions so the extra few thousands are needed for that

There is a higher loan for London, but my DD has ruled out London because we just couldn't afford it. She did apply, and I stuck my head in the sand and said "If you're offered a place I'll sort it." Realistically though I can't afford another £500+ a month, which would be necessary even with DD working. It's not fair, but it is what it is.

Fortunately she opted for somewhere with cheap accommodation. I worry that she could have gone somewhere "better", but this is do-able, and that's actually really important.

I think your DC needs to be prepared to get a part time job as well.

The costs can be high.

We didn't limit our kids choices, but I can't wait for them to finish university. We give one £500 a month and the other around £300 a month.

My kids both have PT jobs too. DD has 2 pretty good pt flexible jobs.

Set a budget you can afford for accommodation, if your DS wants to spend over that then he needs to get a job and finance it himself.

Don't a lot of accommodation get someone to stand as guarantor? If the op's son is not getting a weekend job as a teenager so he can do sport, what is the likelihood he's going to turn that attitude around and get a job to pay a top up amount? As his parents, I'd be worried I'd be left carrying the can.

If he is applying for medicine then where he is doing his degree doesn't really matter.
However for any non vocational course I definitely wouldn't be advising Leicester over Bristol, KCL or Exeter.

I can understand ruling out London but ruling out the others is ridiculous. Don't ban things, he's almost an adult. How controlling.

I agree with this. Say what you can afford. Be honest. Then look, with DC at cost of living in each of the cities they like the look of. They might need to work all summer to save up and also get a job part time once they are there, to cover any excess - the pay will be higher in central London (eg waitering with tips) but London rent is eye watering. DS is at uni in London and the rents are skyrocketing - going up by hundreds of pounds per month every year. You're competing with foreign students from exceedingly wealthy families. It's possible to live cheaply out in the sticks of East London but that might not be what your DC has in mind.

DS has an offer from Lancaster. It will be his cheapest option in terms of accommodation. However he'll still be looking at £7103.60 a year (£177.59 a week) for en suite (most rooms on campus are en suite) or £5846.40 for shared bathroom (146.16 a week). Competition for shared bathrooms is fierce as a result. You simply cannot guarantee that you'll get one of the basic rooms.

Can he take a gap year and save a chunk himself before he goes?

What will he be studying?

Your child should go to the university of their choice, and it's not up to the parents to dictate this. But if the parents' financial contribution is likely to be restricted/limited, then your child will have to get a job to make up the difference.

In which case, I understand why your husband is limiting the choice of unis.

If your son wants something specific, he should get off his arse and get a job himself to contribute.

I dont think your husband is being unreasonable at all. I'm surprised to see so many people here bankroll their kids completely.

Interestingly a lot of the Exeter accommodation isn't much more than the Lancaster (Exeter is DS's first choice)<a class="break-all" href="//accommodation.www.exeter.ac.uk/accommodation/prices/self-cateredcosts/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">accommodation.www.exeter.ac.uk/accommodation/prices/self-cateredcosts/

I'm with your DH on this one. Your child will have a much more enjoyable experience up north anyway. Newcastle is an amazing uni and a lot of the rich private school London kids go up there. Leeds is very popular too.

London uni life isn't that fun tbh. Very very expensive and mostly international students and local kids living at home.

Then your DS is limiting his own options unfortunately, not your DH. You and DH can’t tell him where he can go, but you are right to let him know your limits financially. If DS is then unwilling to make the shortfall through part-time work then he will need to accept there will be some uni’s he can’t go too.

I worked part time through uni, 15h pw and covered the shortfall. I got a first class degree, and had an active social life… but I didn’t play competitive sports tbf. You can’t have it all I'm afraid

This. Your DC can get a job to fund it themselves.

If they go and get a few years work experience or an apprenticeship and go at 21 parental income becomes irrelevant- that's what my son did - and the 3 years in shared houses did him good .

Why is he not taking a student loan?