DH is limiting Y12 DC to universities in the north due to ££££

[BatteredHonda]

DC is in Y12 and wants to apply to KCL, Bristol and Exeter - alongside other unis. DC will qualify for minimum maintenance loan and we are therefore expected to top up/pay the accommodation. We struggle to make ends meet as it is so DH has said DC canNOT apply to southern unis - let alone London ones. He is recommending Leicester, Newcastle, Swansea, Belfast etc instead. DC is furious but I do get where DH coming from. What are your thoughts?

This is why I don’t agree with how loans are set out. Grants I understand. A young person should be able to take out a full loan if they need to, not every parent can or will support them even if it says they can on paper. My sons gf parents wouldn’t give their details so she got minimal. They also didn’t support her. So wrong.
I viewed Exeter with my son, we loved it, but he went with queens thankfully as then covid happened. We live in NI.
If you can’t afford to support him then explain that to him, but do it on that level rather than you can’t go to here, here or here.

Why does he think Newcastle is cheap?

I realised from your list that they’re probably applying for Medicine, which is extremely hard to get into. They’re going to have to choose the four universities they have most chance of getting into basically. Medicine is so hard to get in that mostly people have to go where they can.

Your DC choices of universities are far better than the list your DH has produced.

If your focussing on the north I would suggest Manchester, leeds, Edinburgh but if your DS is insistent on going south he can get himself a job as many other students do to make it affordable

It is absolutely not your DH's place to dictate where dc will or will not apply. That is a decision for the student himself.

What is entirely reasonable is to make it clear how much support you will be able to provide, and to point out the relative financial benefits of applying to a uni with cheaper living costs. Your dc can then evaluate whether or not the benefits of each university warrant any increased financial burden.

If he chooses to be poor in London in order to go to KCL, then that's fair enough. He will have to get a PT job to make up any shortfall. As long as he isn't demanding that you and your DH cough up more money to facilitate his choices, I don't really see how it's any of your business.

Is your DH often this controlling? I don't blame your DS for being furious in the slightest.

Sit down with your son and come up with some actual numbers. For example if he wants a single room with en-suite then he may have say £50pw for food, going out etc At the beginning and end of term it will cost X to get back home. (Trainline app will show cost if it's train) Does he like taking public transport ? is Her aware how many hours it takes to Exeter or London?
What kind of food does he like? How much does that cost in a supermarket ?
Is he willing to take a h gap year to save a few grand ? If he's wanting things like a new laptop or to run a car how will that fit in with his plans?

Dc shouldn’t go to a uni they don’t want to.

But also have to accept they have a limited budget (loan plus your contribution) and that should be part of the decision making process.

How are you and the DC planning on paying the difference? Have you looked at accommodation costs for next academic year? To give you and DC and idea? Done a budget?

There’s a difference between saying ‘you can not apply’ and ‘we can only afford to give you X amount and no more so, some of these maybe out of your budget’

I think telling the ‘No you can’t apply here’ isn’t a good idea. Neither is blindly encouraging them to apply to one with no plan of how it’s going to be paid for.

KCL, Exeter, Bristol are really really good universities. Obviously course dependent but the others you mention aren’t really the same tier. You obviously can’t magic up more money to cover the extra costs if he goes to uni in an expensive city but equally DC is a young adult and they shouldn’t be told where they can/can’t apply. You make them aware what the max you can afford is and then it’s up to them to decide whether having their costs covered up north is preferable to getting a part time job, having a gap year to save, less money for going out etc.

You need to have a stern word to your DH about the lifelong consequences of parents being too heavily involved in these decisions. If it ends up being the wrong course/place your D.C. will blame your DH for forcing them into something that was wrong for them. You don't easily recover from that.
This is a sensitive time emotionally for young people. It's about way more than money. Don't let your DH fuck this up.

I would advise to look at the course, types of university (city, campus, both) and factor in distance from home. Both my DDs could get home by train within a couple of hours which was great and not too expensive.
first year accommodation is normally expensive but once they are renting privately, it’s normally cheaper (although for 12 months). Both my DDs went to northern red brick universities …..but we do live in the North West.

That comparison is between "purpose-built private and university owned accommodation,", IOW, the most expensive type.

There will be far cheaper student accomm in all those areas (NOT purpose built; no en suite wifi rooms/laundry rooms etc) suited for students with smaller pockets/ more willing to live economically etc.

I'd recomend a university based in a city (rather than a campus university) for better range of PT work opportunities ; so your son can boost the coffers during term time.

I think London is the major problem area for £££££
I wouldn't avoid anywhere else

100% this

By all means, tell DC there is a maximum amount of money you can afford to give. Then it is up to DC to decide how to proceed.

Are you able to top his loan up to the full amount?

If you are, and have agreed with him that you will and that this is all you can afford, it should then be up to him to decide how to budget within that.

I have 2 DC at university and they have their maximum grant/loan combination of ~£10k (we're in Wales so it works slightly differently to England), plus any money that they earn during the holidays. We don't supplement any more than that. They chose where they wanted to study, factoring in travel costs etc. They chose where they wanted to live and budgeted around it - one chose "posher" accommodation but spends less on going out, the other went for budget accommodation so that he could afford more socialising.

Part of the university experience is learning to budget yourself.

I've been looking at universities and living costs with my younger teens and making sure they know how far money will/won't go. They will be eligible for the minimum loans.

We will definitely help when the time comes, but the different costs in various areas of the country is horrendous. DS1 took one look at the figures and decided he's staying home for uni, though that will probably change.

Having said that, our school sends out a list every year of where all the 6th form students go to uni, I've compared destinations over the last 10-15 years and there is a massive shift, it's clear that there are lots of students staying home now.

Yep this. You know what’s really expensive? Dropping out because DC is unhappy

Are there any commutable choices ?

Go through a budget with your child so they can see the problem in black and white

My DSD has full loans but still has an extra £500+ each month from us at uni in the South .. I think the loan covered accommodation effectively

We can’t always have what we want though. If he wants to go somewhere more expensive then he needs to put a plan in place,

DC should be allowed to apply where they like but will need to get a job to top up if they choose a more expensive option.

Surely you just tell DC how much you are giving them and it’s the kids decision where to go. The kid Will be the one with a part time job if costs are high

Thanks for all the thoughtful replies. DC definitely doesn't want to live at home and commute to university - I think it's so sad that students often have no other option. A huge part of the uni experience is living away from home!

Your DH can give the max you can afford to kindly pay but he can't ban your son from certain unis. It's a huge part of his life and what is the point in spending all that money on somewhere he doesn't really want to go to? What a waste.

Instead you sit down with your son and treat him like an adult. Go over a budget for each uni he likes and work out what the shortfall is, how much he'll have to earn each month to live.

This is precisely what my parents did with me. For my first two years I worked just in the holidays at the job I had during 6th form and then budgeted my money for each term. Then I went on placement and built up some savings and then in final year I worked term time at the pub on campus for pocket money and then back at my 6th form job in holidays.

If budget is a thing and they're able look at Oxbridge - a lot of the colleges own houses so you don't have to worry about the private rental market.

Plenty of quality universities up north plus in the Midlands (Glasgow, Edinburgh, St Andrews - but accommodation is still £££ for them) plus Durham, Manchester, Liverpool, Nottingham, Birmingham, Warwick etc.

Would definitely advise looking at the cost of living for all the universities as a very relevant factor in choosing. Campus based unis might be cheaper if there's 2nd and 3rd year accommodation on site (Keele, Stirling, Warwick) - if not consider commuting costs too.

Wouldn't make a strict north/south divide but would be careful with accommodation costs in individual cities!

My DSD has full loans but still has an extra £500+ each month from us at uni in the South .. I think the loan covered accommodation effectively

So full loan of £10k plus an extra £6k pa from you? Wow, that's generous! That's equivalent to a pre-tax salary of around £20k. Totally out of our league.

Will he not get a job like most other students?