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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

Original poster

DS wants to drop out of Oxford - and it's largely my fault

606 replies

Distressedstudent · 09/02/2023 20:33

My DS is a fresher at Oxford and not enjoying it one bit - the intensive work load, the lack of contact hours, the general 'nerdiness' of it. He had wanted to go to York but, as he was predicted (and got) 4 x A star, we urged him to apply to Oxford (where we went - he had no intention of applying) and then, when he got his offer, to firm it. He very reluctantly agreed after talking to his teachers who said he'd be nuts to turn down Oxford, even though his heart was set on York.

He sees his friends from school having a blast at other universities whereas he has his nose to the grind at Oxford. He is now planning to see his Director of Studies and to see if York will take him from September (to read the same humanities course). He is not interested in my advice as DH and I 'got it wrong' and gave him 'duff advice' (his words).

I am not sure if I am up to replying to anyone kind enough to offer their thoughts because I feel so miserable/disappointed/guilty on his behalf.

OP posts:
M1418 · 09/02/2023 22:35

I understand, however isn’t it his decision? He is at an age that he is to make that and also not to be pressured.

I am sure you are aware pressure will only put him off. I think it’s great he is in university in the first place. Where he goes does it really matter? Is it just a label thing you’re worried about?

Mariposista · 09/02/2023 22:35

What a brave and mature lad you have. I really hope he can move to York or defer until next year. It's a great uni. Oxford isn't for everyone. You can be just as smart and get an excellent degree and future without going to Oxbridge.

VitaminX · 09/02/2023 22:35

I had an interview at Cambridge and fucked it up. In hindsight I think they made the right decision; I probably wouldn't have been able to hack it. I'm still a bit jealous of people who made it, though! I had an amazing time at a RG university, some of the best years of my life, but part of me can't help thinking you'd be mad to give up Oxbridge.

It can take time to settle into university full stop, though. Is it Oxford that is really the issue?

GetOffTheTableMabel · 09/02/2023 22:36

I do understand why you feel guilty but actually, I think you should feel a bit proud too.
You’ve raised a young man who knows his own mind but who also loves and respects you enough that he took your advice and now has the humility, self-possession and motivation to advocate for himself. That’s a pretty good parenting job done really.
Now you show the same humility and respect to him. You tell him that you respect his decision and that you are grateful to him for trying and you don’t think less of him for this, in fact you think more of him. And then you help him and support him to make it happen.
But the big picture says this was just a parenting ‘blip’. You have raised an impressive young adult.

OldFan · 09/02/2023 22:37

Should he transfer in to second year or restart as a fresher (he favours the latter but recognises we have a say as he needs us to top up his maintenance loan from minimum to maximum). Fresher probably best I think, despite cost?

I agree @Distressedstudent as it gives him a proper chance to make friends and have the type of life he wants, at the time when everyone is mingling and bonding. If you go straight into second year everyone has already made friends and maybe got a bit of that out of their system, so it'll be harder for him to make friends. Not that that should be his entire reason to be there of course, but it'd be important to him and he couldn't moan that he's missed out then.

whiteroseredrose · 09/02/2023 22:38

The grass isn't always greener when you get there. However, you have to make your son make decisions for himself at this stage.

watchfulwishes · 09/02/2023 22:40

Distressedstudent · 09/02/2023 22:30

OF COURSE I was biased towards Oxford @watchfulwishes - it is one of the best unis in the country and opens all sorts of doors! But it hasn’t worked out for DS - he doing well academically (got a high 2.1 in first term exams) but dislikes the ‘hothouse’ intensity and, sorry, the twee nerdiness (so much focus on library, chapel, formals, punting). Wants more fun from uni essentially. We will support him emotionally and financially at York. Should he transfer in to second year or restart as a fresher (he favours the latter but recognises we have a say as he needs us to top up his maintenance loan from minimum to maximum). Fresher probably best I think, despite cost?

Yes and that is the problem - this was his choice to make and you made it about you. If he had not been pushed by his parents he might have decided to go there himself anyway and would have then been more invested.

Oxford is not the best University for everyone. Horses for courses and all that.

Given it is your decision that was the fuck up, if you can afford it, wipe the slate and let him make the decision you should have let him make a year ago. I hope he enjoys York.

Metabigot · 09/02/2023 22:41

This was me in 1994. My parents pressurised me to the extent of bribing me, to go to oxford. I reluctantly went and knew immediately it was not for me. Within a year I'd (sexretly) made plans to move to another university.

Let him go to York, or he'll do it anyway.

I couldn't even tell my parents until after it had all been sorted, at least he feels confident to discuss it with you.

mathanxiety · 09/02/2023 22:44

My guess is your DS is used to being a very big fish in quite a small pond. Now he's at Oxford his peers are all the big fish too and that can take a bit of getting used to. He has to start all over again to make a name for himself, to stand out.

Sometimes a kid who gets great grades in school gets used to feeling a bit superior to his peers. Not in a nasty way, not in a way that is ever verbalised. But the feeling of being better than everyone else becomes part of his identity.

When faced with the comparison of one's work with that of others who are equally good academically, there can be a certain amount of self doubt, a certain amount of second guessing of who exactly you are. It can be dispiriting to crank out your usual standard of work but end up never standing out because everyone else is producing work of the same calibre.

I suspect the main reason for his preference for York is to coast along but still come out on top, retaining the role of big fish / small pond.

I would urge him to stay. I would put it to him that It would be a character builder for him.

Original poster
Distressedstudent · 09/02/2023 22:44

Harsh @watchfulwishes but thanks for wishing him well.

v much appreciate ppl’s thoughts - particularly the more measured ones 😂

OP posts:
londonmummy1966 · 09/02/2023 22:45

Humanities at Oxford is quite marmite. I loved it as I was an argumentative so and so who liked getting my head down the night before a tutorial and cobbling an essay together (and with 3 a fornight nothing was going to be perfoect). FOr someone who doesn't like arguing their case, doesn't want the self study, or who is a bit of a perfectionist Oxford isn't going to work

SoosanCarter · 09/02/2023 22:45

Distressedstudent · 09/02/2023 20:33

My DS is a fresher at Oxford and not enjoying it one bit - the intensive work load, the lack of contact hours, the general 'nerdiness' of it. He had wanted to go to York but, as he was predicted (and got) 4 x A star, we urged him to apply to Oxford (where we went - he had no intention of applying) and then, when he got his offer, to firm it. He very reluctantly agreed after talking to his teachers who said he'd be nuts to turn down Oxford, even though his heart was set on York.

He sees his friends from school having a blast at other universities whereas he has his nose to the grind at Oxford. He is now planning to see his Director of Studies and to see if York will take him from September (to read the same humanities course). He is not interested in my advice as DH and I 'got it wrong' and gave him 'duff advice' (his words).

I am not sure if I am up to replying to anyone kind enough to offer their thoughts because I feel so miserable/disappointed/guilty on his behalf.

You are disappointed/miserable on your own behalf.

jtaeapa · 09/02/2023 22:45

I'd just tell him you had his best interests at heart and gave him the best advice you could. And that you understand that he doesn't like it so you'll support him going to York as a fresher.

DietrichandDiMaggio · 09/02/2023 22:47

When young people are looking at universities, they are always told to consider whether they like the city, not just the university, as they will be living there for at least 3 years, except when oxbridge is an option, then they are expected to go there, just because they can get in.

Nobody moves to Oxford for the nightlife!
Having grown up in Oxford, all except two of my son's friends (many of them capable of applying to Oxford or Cambridge), chose to go to bigger, much livelier cities such as London and Manchester ( the other two went to Cambridge and Exeter).

Original poster
Distressedstudent · 09/02/2023 22:49

Yes, @jtaeapa - we truly did. Thank u. Take a hike @SoosanCarter - cynical and unkind

OP posts:
SabbatWheel · 09/02/2023 22:50

DD dropped out of uni twice and went on UC before getting an entry level admin job. It took a lot of guts for this to be admitted and DH took it very hard. They are now a successful Business Analyst, something we would never have imagined 10 years ago.
Your DS is telling you something. Listen.

OhCrumbsWhereNow · 09/02/2023 22:50

EmmaEmerald · 09/02/2023 22:24

OhCrumbs an essay a term? I had an essay each week. Probably different a different era.

Early 90s...

I was so, so disappointed. It was a course that I had been focused on studying for the previous 10 years and I was passionate about.

The staff were mainly interested in their own research and they didn't want us hanging around the department. The main first year lecturer was an alcoholic who used to turn up drunk and forget what he was teaching. All 6 hours of lectures were on the same day, so I had 6 days a week with nothing to do...

Reading round the subject is fine, but not when you have nobody to discuss it with or even something to write.

stepstepstep · 09/02/2023 22:51

Actively astonished at the number of parents who would be happy for their kid to pass up an opportunity like this because they didn’t enjoy their first term… good luck with the rest of being an adult.

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 09/02/2023 22:52

You urged him to apply for Oxford and your ds wanted York?
Why did you and dh and his teachers think it was a good idea?
He already knew what he wanted and liked.

Hawkins003 · 09/02/2023 22:52

Maraudingmarauders · 09/02/2023 20:52

DB turned down Cambridge for Durham, never regretted it. Sometimes oxbridge just isn't right for people. I love Oxford but if you want to be out partying and living a wilder student ilfe, it isn't right. I went to a redbrick and whilst I got a good degree, it was the growing up I did during my time there that was the most valuable.
Let him move to York.

But that's the puzzlement any university should be about studying your chosen course and becoming more educated about the subjects rather than just being party so to speak

RampantIvy · 09/02/2023 22:55

But that's the puzzlement any university should be about studying your chosen course and becoming more educated about the subjects rather than just being party so to speak

It isn't either or. DD managed to balance studying with having a social life at university.

IsThereAPenOfIt · 09/02/2023 22:55

York is still posh. No sweat!

AvocadoPlant · 09/02/2023 22:56

Hasn’t your DS missed the deadline to apply to York as a fresher this Autumn? Will he take a year out and earn some cash, or is he looking at a late application? If so, is there s good chance of getting an offer?

Original poster
Distressedstudent · 09/02/2023 22:56

Respectfully @LadyGaGasPokerFace, you are being naive. Virtually every school advises a 4 A star student to apply to Oxbridge! One quick look at Mumsnet will show you that parents with DC of that calibre overwhelmingly urge them to have a go too. When he applied he was 17 and pretty sheltered. He’s now 19

OP posts:
MonkeyMindAllOverAround · 09/02/2023 22:57

Tell him to hold his horses, if he wants to study the same subject at York, there may be a chance to transfer from Oxford to York in Year 2. For that, he will need to have good grades for the first year in whatever university he is applying for.

If he wants to apply to York for Year 1 entry, it might be a good idea to hurry up, some courses are already full and no course in York was in Clearing last year.

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