DS wants to drop out of Oxford - and it's largely my fault

[Distressedstudent]

My DS is a fresher at Oxford and not enjoying it one bit - the intensive work load, the lack of contact hours, the general 'nerdiness' of it. He had wanted to go to York but, as he was predicted (and got) 4 x A star, we urged him to apply to Oxford (where we went - he had no intention of applying) and then, when he got his offer, to firm it. He very reluctantly agreed after talking to his teachers who said he'd be nuts to turn down Oxford, even though his heart was set on York.

He sees his friends from school having a blast at other universities whereas he has his nose to the grind at Oxford. He is now planning to see his Director of Studies and to see if York will take him from September (to read the same humanities course). He is not interested in my advice as DH and I 'got it wrong' and gave him 'duff advice' (his words).

I am not sure if I am up to replying to anyone kind enough to offer their thoughts because I feel so miserable/disappointed/guilty on his behalf.

No, I’m not a teacher 🤣. Let me guess - do you have a chip on your shoulder about Oxford and Cambridge? 🤣🤣

And they provide a very memorable experience, one way or the other!

Well yes - which is why if there were a post about Sheffield University, you’d get a lot of posters who went to Sheffield posting on it.

It's not at all unreasonable not to like Oxford. But this won't be the real issue, because I can guarantee that there are other students around him who stagger from pub to club to union to stage with only an occasional short-lived essay crisis to divert them

Exactly. The nerdiness isn't the issue. I would assume that not having found friends would be the key issue, maybe compounded by not having found a way to work effectively to give himself enough non work time. York may simply be sidestepping the issue. It's very seductive to think a geographical move can sort out something more profound.

OP says a good 2.1 in his first term collections but tbh those only look at a single terms work, so they won't be that challenging or a strong indicator of future performance or whether the DS is actually managing fine.

Work in the sector. Loads of students move after their first year and go elsewhere and are fine. Just as some struggle along where they are. The key thing in this scenario is that he didn’t want to go to Oxford in the first place. That’s very different to going somewhere and then finding you don’t fit in.

I guess a low 2.2 might give pause for thought but not anything in the 2.1 range.

Agree Darhon maybe this boy just went to say he'd given it and go and to get people off his back, That's quite a bold strategy though, and a big old money waster. Perhaps money isn't an issue in the family though.

I'd encourage him to stick out the rest of the year and encourage him to work on his social life. How does his mental health seem? What college is he at? I went as a post grad to Oxford, my life was very much work hard and party hard and although it was quieter than the large city I did my first degree in London is an easy bus trip away. The extracurricular stuff was one of the big positives about Oxford. I can't see how York will be much different, it's a collegiate university in a small city full of upper middle class students but with less contact time and less going on than Oxford. I could understand wanting to go to somewhere like Manchester or Glasgow where his student experience living in a gritty big city would be very different.

He will find his own path, happiness is just important as a good degree. If he can achieve both all the better. As a parent you can only advise and be there to support

It's true that your son would be advised to check out York just a bit more before making that leap, so it's an informed decision - maybe take two days out to visit it during term time. Otherwise some new bit of knowledge might put him off switching at the last minute, invalidating himself.
It's hard to 'drop out' or throw away a winning hand like Oxford, even if it doesn't feel like you're winning. It's the worst feeling, to be at a party where you know you should be enjoying yourself but you're not, worse than being in an accepted lousy situation, expect you don't feel bad about hating it.
Thing is, I 'stuck out' Bristol Uni back in the day and yes, it got better in the same way that if you bang your shin on a glass coffee table it gets better over time, it never translated into anything good. What's more, just holding out for something in the future isn't a way to live, that kind of putting happiness on hold is a bad habit to get into.
If he were in a job and not enjoying it, and had the chance to take another job elsewhere that was seen as reasonably good too, he wouldn't hang around in the first one, he'd make the switch. But that cult-like 'Oxford' name is what makes the difference here.
Of course, leaving it for a year is okay but it also depends on what York are prepared to accept, and would they then only take him if he starts his three-year stint from scratch?

University is such a hard decision. We encouraged my son to apply to Oxford and he got an interview last year but wasn’t offered a place. Turned out to be the best failure as he wasn’t sure about how much it was going to be just like more school. He chose Loughborough in the end, loves it and his confidence has gone through the roof. University isn’t just about the degree at the end, it’s that life experience of learning how to budget and fend for yourself. However I feel your loss as had he got a place at Oxford we probably would have encouraged him to take it too and he would have been in the same place as your child now. York is a fantastic university and my son’s friend that is there is having a great time. Let them make their university choices, it’s their first opportunity to make life decisions for themselves, be it good or bad!

Dd1's ex boyfriend went to Cambridge with her and is now a teacher at a top private school. She wasn't that happy he chose that path ( not the reason they split). He taught ds ( not at school he is now) and he is actually an amazing teacher of maths.

Indeed. Wherever you go, there you are.

Dd1 also studied medicine at Cambridge and switched to a London University for clinical years . She's glad she went as her time in London was a doddle compared to Cambridge!

For some kids at uni, the first year is all about fun and partying, but then they realise they need to knuckle down and work hard or they drop out as they were partying too much and not studying. So he may be getting a false idea of other uni's. But if he is not happy maybe it would be better in the long run to move.

It is, but it isn't always the best option. Not everyone is the same.

Being honest, I would find it difficult if my ds or dd decided to leave Oxford or not take up a place. But it's their life not mine. Too many parents want bragging rights.

Too many parents want bragging rights

I would think the buzz of that would pale very quickly once you know your DC is unhappy.

I think my own DC would have deliberately fluffed the aptitude test or if they didn't manage to fluff that successfully, then sabotage the interview. I can't imagine a situation where DC actually sign on the dotted line and go to a uni which is really not their own preferred choice.

The whole “bragging rights” thing isn’t really an issue for people who went there themselves or the other group of people who don’t brag about their children like that. I know I go out of my way NOT to say dc is at Oxford and only do so if asked directly (in exactly the same way I don’t advertise where the other dc go, or indeed who my clients are).

DD’s school asked her to apply for Cambridge to study economics. She got through to the interview stage but wasn’t given a place. She was quite upbeat when she received the rejection.
She then admitted that she was actually relieved to not have got a place because she didn’t want to go to Cambridge and that if she had been given a place she would have been compelled to go because as others have said , you are not supposed to turn down Oxbridge.
She is now at Bristol and having a great time.

Yes I suppose it's fair that if a great deal of pressure is being applied at school as well as home then a student might succumb. I probably meant more that I can't conceive of my own DC going anywhere which wasn't their choice. The same goes for jobs and everything frankly. Xenia put the point much better - self determination has a lot to be said for it.