DD has been kicked off her uni course.

skippy67 · 2022-12-07T14:53:20+00:00

So Dd has just heard that she's been withdrawn from her uni course. Bit of background, she failed 2nd year, retook, and has failed again. She was allowed to enrol for year 3, was given a timetable etc, but didn't receive student finance because her place wasn't confirmed. She kept all of this from us, until 2 weeks ago! Any advice please? I'm worried because obviously the situation in and of itself isn't ideal, but she started self harming in year 1 at uni, and was prescribed anti depressants in 2nd year. I'm concerned this will set her MH back massively.

ICanTuckMyBoobsInMyPockets · 07/12/2022 14:55

You just need to welcome her home, let her relax for a bit in a home environment and support her while she decides what to do next.

Poor girl. Has she said why she kept it from you?

Sigma33 · 07/12/2022 14:56

Reassure her that this isn't the end of everything. This is a temporary set back, and she can take a step back, grieve it and recover, explore other interests when she is ready. She can focus on her mental health for a bit.

Other avenues will open up in time. Not everyone finds the right path straight away, and more and more people are having many different careers in their lifetime.

Janieread · 07/12/2022 14:57

What course was it?

Billybagpuss · 07/12/2022 14:57

Sending hugs it’s such a hard time for them.

my advice would be not to concern yourself at all with uni now and focus on her. Can she get a job to tide her over while she assesses what to do next. Maybe an apprenticeship. But she doesn’t need any pressure right now she just needs to feel supported and that this is not the end for her.

she could also maybe further down the line switch to open uni and transfer any credit that she’s earned already.

Original poster

skippy67 · 07/12/2022 15:00

Thanks for replying.

I think she kept it from us because she was embarrassed that she failed 2nd year twice.
Of course we'll support her, but I'd be lying if I didn't say I'm disappointed at the way things have turned out. She's saying she wants to complete her degree from home, while working, but I'm not sure that'll work out either.

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Original poster

skippy67 · 07/12/2022 15:01

Sigma33 · 07/12/2022 14:56

Reassure her that this isn't the end of everything. This is a temporary set back, and she can take a step back, grieve it and recover, explore other interests when she is ready. She can focus on her mental health for a bit.

Other avenues will open up in time. Not everyone finds the right path straight away, and more and more people are having many different careers in their lifetime.

Thank you. She doesn't want to talk at the moment, but your reply is very kind.

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AdoraBell · 07/12/2022 15:03

As pp said, just support her once she’s home.

Original poster

skippy67 · 07/12/2022 15:03

Billybagpuss · 07/12/2022 14:57

Sending hugs it’s such a hard time for them.

my advice would be not to concern yourself at all with uni now and focus on her. Can she get a job to tide her over while she assesses what to do next. Maybe an apprenticeship. But she doesn’t need any pressure right now she just needs to feel supported and that this is not the end for her.

she could also maybe further down the line switch to open uni and transfer any credit that she’s earned already.

Thank you. Lots to think about.

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FlowerArranger · 07/12/2022 15:03

Agree that her mental health must be the priority now.

However, what constructive support, if any, was she given by the university all this time she was struggling?

I don't know whether you might have any recourse, but you certainly want to ensure that a proper framework is put in place in her next professional endeavour - whether this is returning, going to a different uni/different course, an apprenticeship, or something else.

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/12/2022 15:04

skippy67 · 07/12/2022 15:00

Thanks for replying.

I think she kept it from us because she was embarrassed that she failed 2nd year twice.
Of course we'll support her, but I'd be lying if I didn't say I'm disappointed at the way things have turned out. She's saying she wants to complete her degree from home, while working, but I'm not sure that'll work out either.

That's an admirable goal. Looking at option is a great idea. She doesn't need to commit to anything now.

Original poster

skippy67 · 07/12/2022 15:04

Janieread · 07/12/2022 14:57

What course was it?

I'd rather not say. Not medicine though.

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Sigma33 · 07/12/2022 15:05

Let her leave studying alone for now. I think there's a huge pressure to follow an academic pathway to degree level, and it doesn't suit everyone.

Perhaps her academic plans have been side swiped by her mental health issues, perhaps her mental health issues have been exacerbated by following a path that isn't right for her.

Please let go of any beliefs you have about what her path in life 'should' be (except being a decent human being). Deal with any disappointment without putting the blame on her for not living up to your dreams for her life.

I was the black sheep that dropped out (burnt out) at A level. It was the best thing I have every done, though a nightmare at the time. I have done a lot that has made my parents proud! Though not in the way they saw for me as a child. I do now have a degree and post-grad degree - when it was right for me, and the subject that was right for me. I wasn't in that place as a teenager/young adult.

Original poster

skippy67 · 07/12/2022 15:07

However, what constructive support, if any, was she given by the university all this time she was struggling?

I don't know, as she kept so much from us. I know she had some counselling provided by the uni, but don't know how it was structured.

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Blenheimprincess · 07/12/2022 15:09

I think you should try to hide your disappointment and just concentrate on supporting her, especially if she self harms and has MH issues. Reassure her that she can come home and you'll come up with a plan in January. Could you sort out some counselling to help with the SH?

That plan can be anything but I think it should involve her working in some way - I've always told my kids that I'm happy to help them but that beyond uni I won't fully financially support them and they need to work. But that can wait for now, love her, reassure her that you're not cross or upset and let her talk to you. Really listen to what she says too, there may be some stuff you don't know about but if you are calm and promise not to judge she may talk.

I also know that it's easy for me to say. I still pay my children's mobile phone bills and generally support them in all sorts of ways so I do support them financially in some ways.

I know it's hard, young adults are tricky and vulnerable and frustrating! Good luck.

Sigma33 · 07/12/2022 15:09

No pressure to talk, no pressure to 'achieve' anything. Let her know you love her and she doesn't need to tick any boxes to 'earn' your love.

Encourage her to stay active, get a job stacking selves/volunteer somewhere.

Venetiaparties · 07/12/2022 15:09

You could look at open university courses? She could do one part time as she worked? I would at this point be positive, she has given it her best shot and there are many more options for her. Maybe an apprenticeship?

Bring her home and support her - listen to the full story - swallow your disappointment silently and know she can and will go on to great things, this is a bump in the road of life, thats all.

You may laugh about this one day when she completes her MA. Get behind her now as this will no doubt have seriously knocked her confidence and self esteem.

Blenheimprincess · 07/12/2022 15:10

BTW, I dropped out too. No MH issues, it just wasn't for me. I'm really happy, earn a very decent salary and it all turned out ok in the end.

Flockameanie · 07/12/2022 15:11

Poor thing. Lots of support and love and a reminder that this wasn’t the right time/ course for her. There will be plenty of time to figure out what’s next.

I doubt there’s much recourse to the Uni. If she failed her resits then it sounds like the academic regulations were followed. Students do commence the following year while resits are assessed, so that’s not unusual. You can ask about how she was supported, but if she kept this from you she likely didn’t let her lecturers or programme director know she was struggling. I’m a lecturer and I can’t tell you the number of students who don’t take up the offer of personal tutorials/ pastoral support/ etc. As soon as I find out (through our automated system) that one of my personal tutees has failed a module I always email them to offer support and guidance. Most of the time they never reply. There’s only so much you can do…

Original poster

skippy67 · 07/12/2022 15:11

perhaps her mental health issues have been exacerbated by following a path that isn't right for her

I think this is what happened.

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Blenheimprincess · 07/12/2022 15:13

I think also I'd go and collect her if at all possible. It will be weird for her, everyone is about to pack up to go home but they will mostly be coming back or graduating next year and she won't. And she may feel ashamed or embarrassed and be finding it hard to be wherever she is. That's what I'd do anyway. I always err on the side of caution with my (young adult) children though as the number of young adults who self harm or worse is so frightening.

LIZS · 07/12/2022 15:14

If she can get a relevant degree apprenticeship she may be able to continue studying part time. However how likely that is rather depends on her addressing the underlying issues.

Blenheimprincess · 07/12/2022 15:14

Yes, interesting to hear from a lecturer here too, my son nearly got kicked out in the first year due to non attendance. He'd repeatedly ignored loads of emails and calls, many of them just don't seem to read emails. He also missed an accommodation offer as a result of ignoring emails which was really off pissing as we had to pay extra but I think it's quite common!

SweetPetrichor · 07/12/2022 15:17

I’ve been there. I failed 3rd year (of a 7 year architecture course). I tried for a summer resit and failed the resit. Given I was failing at year 3 of 7, I chose not to resit the year…it just wasn’t the course for me, I had As in the coursework but failed in the design project…so not going to make much of an architect if I couldn’t creatively design.

I thought the world had come to an end. I was so embarrassed and ashamed cause my parents has funded my uni…I took no loans…and felt like I’d thrown their money away.

Fortunately, my parents gave me time to calm down then encouraged me to consider applying immediately for a new course through clearing. I had considered studying engineering before choosing architecture so that is what I went for in…local university has places so I leapt into that. 4 years later I had a first class civil engineering degree and was applying for a masters. I completed my MSC in Structural Engineering and then got a job with one of the top engineering consultancies.

Now, looking back, I’m glad I failed cause I make a great engineer but would have only ever been a ‘competent’ architect if I’d made it to the end of that course! And I met my DP at the first uni so I don’t regret going and failing, cause we’d never have met otherwise. It all happened for a reason and I regret none of it. But it really really sucked at the time!

Phos · 07/12/2022 15:17

If she's failed 2nd year twice, I'd be thinking the course isn't right for her for whatever reason.

My advice would be to drop the academics for now, work for a bit and see if she wants to pick up higher education later or if its not for her and she'd rather go into work and work her way up. I don't think OU would be the way to go. It relies on a LOT of self discipline and I'm not sure I would recommend it to someone who has struggled with university study in person.

Venetiaparties · 07/12/2022 15:19

I also think parents are often the last to know when there is a mental health crisis happening. I hope she is okay op.