DD has been kicked off her uni course.

[skippy67]

So Dd has just heard that she's been withdrawn from her uni course. Bit of background, she failed 2nd year, retook, and has failed again. She was allowed to enrol for year 3, was given a timetable etc, but didn't receive student finance because her place wasn't confirmed.

She kept all of this from us, until 2 weeks ago!
Any advice please? I'm worried because obviously the situation in and of itself isn't ideal, but she started self harming in year 1 at uni, and was prescribed anti depressants in 2nd year. I'm concerned this will set her MH back massively.

Op, I agree with other posters.
Welcome her home , give her lots of love and hugs.
It must have been so difficult for her to bottle up all this and I think it is a good thing that it is out in the open.
The course obviously wasn’t right for her. She needs to take some time out from education and gather herself. When she is ready you can have a discussion about her future plans
She may want to work for a little while , study part time . The most important thing is her well-being
I know that you are disappointed, but please try your utmost to be upbeat and positive.
With your support she can and will get through this.

Just give her unconditional love - you are the best source. Time will heal, probably slowly, and then new doors will open.

Thank you.

This has just happened to my daughter too. Slightly different as the uni have been appalling and we will be putting in a complaint and appeal. Private message me if you like.

My DS went to University during lockdown and really suffered mentally. He only got a 3 and thought it was the end of the world! He joined the workforce and is now thriving. There is hope, maybe a different path.

I think she needs to come home and decompress.

She is still very young. She could try to complete the degree, get a job, do a degree apprenticeship. She has lots of options.

The pressure at university is very high and then when you factor in the debt it's unreal.

It will work out. She's a clever young woman.

Did her problems start when she started uni? Or prior that?

Op just now I think I'd encourage her to get a job, supermarket, pub or restaurant no real pressure, just a job, just so she is out meeting people some structure to her days and help keep her confidence up. And not sitting mopping around the house and losing her confidence.

If she gets kept on after Christmas great if she doesn't well it's a bit of experience.

I graduated recently.

It was a struggle - I ended up dropping out and resitting a year.

I got top grades at school, but honestly just ended up going to university at 18 as to not be “behind” in life and to not disappoint my parents.

I had no real idea of what degree I wanted to do as I was decent in everything but passionate about nothing. I ended up choosing a “safe” degree that would “keep my options open”, but in reality I couldn’t get myself invested in the course modules and my heart wasn’t in it. It genuinely took so much mental exertion to be on the course.

I ended up getting a full time retail job whilst at university full time lol. The thought was…it would be a part time role I could do outside of uni. But I ended up just taking on more and more hours and timetable conflicts led to me being late submitting assignments and falling behind. I resat the year.

Anyway my point is, everything I put in quotation marks isn’t true but it’s what people tell themselves. If I could redo it, I would have worked instead of going straight to uni and done a different degree. The only thing that I would have missed out on is the social experience

Let her leave studying alone for now. I think there's a huge pressure to follow an academic pathway to degree level, and it doesn't suit everyone.

This. So many people now think going to uni is the only path after leaving school. Not everyone is suited to it at all. However she might find that having a gap and studying as a mature student will work for her - or finding a career that doesn't need a degree.

Parents need to stop putting silly expectations on their kids

I would add schools to that. The expectation in most 6th forms is that their students go on to university because it looks good for their stats. When DD collected her A level results the assistant head of 6th form was clearly disappointed when DD told her she was taking a gap year.

However, they happily supported her application to university and provided a reference while she was on her gap year.

@skippy67 I really feel for your DD. I can't add anything more useful that others haven't already said, but the love and support you give her will get her through

Bring her home, show her you’re here for her.

and

try to establish where and why it went off the rails. Was it mental health? Did the uni not offer any support? Did she appl6 for mitigating circumstances? Did she get too involved in other stuff? I know a couple of folk who’ve got involved in sports or theatre and just couldn’t manage a course workload too.

Just wanted to reply as many years ago I also failed second year twice, and it was mortifying. I was very unwell with my mental health. As a result, they did allow me to go back after taking a year out and managing to pass my exams the third time. I have gone on to be very happy, and to have an enjoyable career. I can honestly say that it hasn’t held me back at all (though the mental health recovery did take time). I say this so that you and your daughter can have some hope that this does not mean she has no future. I strongly suggest she appeals and seeks mental health support. Wishing you both all the best.

Did she pass any part of her second year? She needs to know how many credit points she has. She could use these with something like the Open University.

Focus on the positives. It's a strong employment market at the moment. She can get a job for a while and reconsider her options. Perhaps the course just wasn't the right fit.

This happened to my friend. Wrong course for him. But when he left he met a lovely girl, got married and bought a house. In doing so he beat all of us onto the property market and it has gone up massively a couple of years later. He also got a job and rose through the company.
He's in a better place than of he'd finished.

Sometimes life happens in ways we don't understand til later. Encourage her to feel proud that she gave it a go.

I've done the wrong course and hated it. When I did something else a few years later it was world's apart. So just because this was wrong she will excel elsewhere.

I had to drop out a few times during college/uni, mostly for mental health reasons.

I got a First in the end @skippy67 .

Maybe she'll go back to some uni when she's ready. There's no point her doing it at a time when she's not going to do as well as she could due to her health. Better to do it at the 'right' time for her and come out with a good grade than get a crap grade due to her health, effectively wasting any money or debt she/you have to put into her doing it.

I encouraged my dd to take a gap year before embarking on a university course. I knew that she would struggle if she had gone to university immediately after her A levels.
She worked and did some volunteering abroad.
She returned from her travels a more confident and rounded person
There is too much pressure to attend university straight from schools. There is absolutely nothing wrong with taking a year or two out from education . By this time they would have matured and would have a better idea of what course they would like to take.

I got top grades at school, but honestly just ended up going to university at 18 as to not be “behind” in life and to not disappoint my parents.

This is a wise observation @camdenn If I ruled the world every pupil leaving school would HAVE to do a gap year - in some form of civic service for NMW - just to decompress, to get a sense of adult responsibilities, and to test whether the degree they think they want to do is what they actually want to do. And whether they actually even want to GO to university.

Read my earlier posts.

I always say to my older 3 young adult DC that stuff like this is but a blip in the great scheme of their lives. Obviously it feels like a massive thing to them but they probably have 60-80 years left of their lives, they’ll have failures and successes, highs and lows, take some time wallow and process then look out for other opportunities. All is not lost and mental and physical health is the most important thing.

I hope you DD finds relief. She’s may have failed but she’s not a failure. She can go back to studying at any time in her life. This wasn’t the right time for her.

Mental health first she's done a great positive thing coming home. And your a great mum as she feels safe coming back. I would personally not talk about anything academic wise. Maybe try and encourage hobbies / passion. Education is life long and not just at uni. Enjoy your Xmas 🙂

I would tell her that nothing is more important than her mental health and that she showed real grit to re-sit despite all her issues. That shows such strength of character - trying and failing is actually a really good measure of character and long term success. (FWIW I know someone who had MH issues and dropped out of three unis on three different courses. They then sorted their MH out, went back a fourth time, which I really admired them for, doing a completely different subject, and got a first. Now doing really well.)

But the only thing that matters now is that she focuses on getting the support she needs. Remind her that people can and do take degrees at any time in their lives, and can and do succeed in every single sphere of working life without a degree. It's one pathway, not the only one. And navigating uni during the lockdown years has been absolute shit for a huge number of students. My heart goes out to them, and to her.

Reassure her that you are not disappointed in her failing or being thrown off the course. You only care about her health, her present and her future.

Im and academic and I’d honestly go and get her home safe and cosset her for a few weeks, then encourage her to take up some part time voluntary work or a job, and sort her out with some counselling and medication. Her mental health is in tatters and she’s likely exhausted from the mental gymnastics of trying to hold it all together. When she’s ready she could maybe consider transferring her credits to a local uni. I’d not recommend a degree apprenticeship just yet. They’re very demanding - you’re working and doing a degree at the same time - so that’s one for the back burner for now. Sounds like she needs love and support.

I have, are you referring to this?

She was allowed to enrol for year 3, was given a timetable etc, but didn't receive student finance because her place wasn't confirmed.. What was she doing? Has she been attending year 3 classes?

My worry would be that she knows you will be disappointed and that’s exactly why she kept it from you. Poor girl. Support, support, support with zero pressure or conversations about next steps until she is ready.

People obsess about GCSEs, then a levels, then degrees when there’s so many alternative routes. Start by paying for careers advice through morrisby. Online questionnaire and careers adviser chat.