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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

Original poster

DD has been kicked off her uni course.

172 replies

skippy67 · 07/12/2022 14:53

So Dd has just heard that she's been withdrawn from her uni course. Bit of background, she failed 2nd year, retook, and has failed again. She was allowed to enrol for year 3, was given a timetable etc, but didn't receive student finance because her place wasn't confirmed.

She kept all of this from us, until 2 weeks ago!
Any advice please? I'm worried because obviously the situation in and of itself isn't ideal, but she started self harming in year 1 at uni, and was prescribed anti depressants in 2nd year. I'm concerned this will set her MH back massively.

OP posts:
Blenheimprincess · 07/12/2022 15:21

OP, I hope you're ok and I hope she is too. Please update us if you get time.

maddy68 · 07/12/2022 15:21

Why does she need a degree? She has twice failed it so that route seems unsuitable for her.

Give her loads of hugs and don't question her. Allow her to pick her wounds and have a lovely Christmas

Motnight · 07/12/2022 15:22

It really sounds as though the course isn't the right one for her.

My dd failed her first year and it was a huge wake up call for her. She had ignored emails, lecturers' advice, invites to retake exams etc. But she was able to pull it together and pass. She went through the formal appeals process which took around 6 months. That really impacted her mental health.

Bring your dd home and just look after her for the next few months. It might seem like the end of the world at the moment but it's really not.

NeedAHoliday2021 · 07/12/2022 15:25

i dropped out uni in the second year. I’m not sure my mum ever forgave me. I’m 40 now and work is paying for me to complete a pst grad Uni course part time (using my work over the last 20 years as equivalent to a degree). Uni was terrible for my mental health and very isolating. I’d give her a year to work and find out what she enjoys then go from there whether she goes with uni, apprenticeship or something else.

jay55 · 07/12/2022 15:26

A relative of mine left uni in similar circumstances. He's since completed an apprenticeship with the civil service and is doing well.
It's not the end of the world.

ClangingBell · 07/12/2022 15:27

She’ll be able to transfer first year credit to the Open University and complete a degree while working if that’s what she wants. They have some courses starting in January, so she’ll be able to start quite quickly, if she’s feeling up to it.

Miajk · 07/12/2022 15:27

Blenheimprincess · 07/12/2022 15:10

BTW, I dropped out too. No MH issues, it just wasn't for me. I'm really happy, earn a very decent salary and it all turned out ok in the end.

Same! Earn much more than my peers who did do uni as got a head start too.

Uni isn't for everyone and that's ok. Parents need to stop putting silly expectations on their kids. A degree these days for many people is just debt & wasted time apart from socialising.

Original poster
skippy67 · 07/12/2022 15:28

So many lovely replies. Thank all.
She's home at the moment. We've just had a chat, and she's surprisingly upbeat. Maybe a bit of relief at finally knowing where she stands. I fully expect her emotions/moods to go up and down in the coming weeks. I just hope I can find the right things to say when she needs me to say them.
Thanks everyone, and I'll update if anything significant happens.

OP posts:
Original poster
skippy67 · 07/12/2022 15:31

jay55 · 07/12/2022 15:26

A relative of mine left uni in similar circumstances. He's since completed an apprenticeship with the civil service and is doing well.
It's not the end of the world.

This made me smile. I've been a civil servant for over 30 years, and used to tell my DC when they were little never to join the CS!

It's changed a lot since I joined, and our apprenticeship scheme is one of the better ones out there now.

OP posts:
Janbohonut · 07/12/2022 15:32

Sounds like the course wasn't right for heror it wasn't the right time for her to be studying.

I think a lot of young adults rush into uni and don't cope with it - it's not for everyone at that age and personally I think you're often better off working and just being in the world at that age rather than wandering around an intimidating institution.

Just reassure her that she's young, it's not the end of the world (I sometimes think, on a scale of 1 to 5 if 5 is death, what is this? It's maybe a one, or a two.) and you'll help her figure out what to do next after Christmas.

She's not the first person to leave a uni course and she won't be the last.

mathanxiety · 07/12/2022 15:34

Try to arrange therapy for her. Self harm needs to be addressed.
She also needs to be assessed for depression.

She's probably just very relieved at present, and hence her buoyant mood, but she could end up crashing when Christmas is over and she is faced with long days and lack of a university style social life.

Original poster
skippy67 · 07/12/2022 15:34

Parents need to stop putting silly expectations on their kids
I definitely never did this.
I wanted her to succeed at this because it's what she wanted.

OP posts:
belimoo · 07/12/2022 15:34

I managed someone a few years ago who had dropped out of their degree. She moved on to a couple of different jobs after that and has recently returned to work for the same organisation as me again - but on the same level as me - someone who is several years older than her and has a 'good' degree. It's not the end of the world by any means Flowers

FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 07/12/2022 15:35

I think the only important message she needs is that not completing the course does not mean that she is not intellectually capable.
Taking time out is sensible to regroup and plan away ahead.

Mariposista · 07/12/2022 15:35

Uni is not the be all and end all. It clearly isn't the place for her at this moment in time (and may never be) but that does not mean she has failed at life (really hammer that home to her). Plenty of people live full and fulfilling lives without a degree. Her top priority now must be getting her MH back on track, and once she is healthy again, she can consider her options. All the best to her.

Original poster
skippy67 · 07/12/2022 15:36

Janbohonut · 07/12/2022 15:32

Sounds like the course wasn't right for heror it wasn't the right time for her to be studying.

I think a lot of young adults rush into uni and don't cope with it - it's not for everyone at that age and personally I think you're often better off working and just being in the world at that age rather than wandering around an intimidating institution.

Just reassure her that she's young, it's not the end of the world (I sometimes think, on a scale of 1 to 5 if 5 is death, what is this? It's maybe a one, or a two.) and you'll help her figure out what to do next after Christmas.

She's not the first person to leave a uni course and she won't be the last.

Thank you. I like your perspective!
She'll be fine in the long run I'm sure. It's just all a bit much to process at the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
skippy67 · 07/12/2022 15:38

mathanxiety · 07/12/2022 15:34

Try to arrange therapy for her. Self harm needs to be addressed.
She also needs to be assessed for depression.

She's probably just very relieved at present, and hence her buoyant mood, but she could end up crashing when Christmas is over and she is faced with long days and lack of a university style social life.

She says she's not done it since first year of uni (2019). I've not seen any sign that she has either.

OP posts:
Nosleepforthismum · 07/12/2022 15:39

I’d be kind to her and understanding but it’s quite clear that her uni course is not right for her. I’d steer her away from higher education, it’s not for everyone and a lot of youngsters are steered in this direction when they don’t really know what else to do. There’s no way she will complete her degree at home whilst also working. It’s completely unrealistic and would demand a high level of discipline that she doesn’t have at this point in her life. That sounds like panic talking to me.

Plenty of people I know have dropped out of uni mid way through (including my DB and DH) and are now much happier and in very highly paid jobs so this is in no way a disaster and neither has she failed at life. Tell her to come home and focus on her mental health, eating healthily, exercising and then look at jobs. She’ll be absolutely fine and I think you just need to be kind but practical about the next steps.

Sigma33 · 07/12/2022 15:39

Phos · 07/12/2022 15:17

If she's failed 2nd year twice, I'd be thinking the course isn't right for her for whatever reason.

My advice would be to drop the academics for now, work for a bit and see if she wants to pick up higher education later or if its not for her and she'd rather go into work and work her way up. I don't think OU would be the way to go. It relies on a LOT of self discipline and I'm not sure I would recommend it to someone who has struggled with university study in person.

It can be the opposite though!

I couldn't cope with full time, living on campus university.

I have a first class degree and a Masters from distance learning. Studying to my timetable, rather than an externally imposed timetable, works for me. I can do a couple of hours studying before starting work at 9am and enjoy it and engage with it, but anything in the afternoon/evening and I have to drag myself there and endure sitting through a lecture that goes in one ear and out of the other! And can take in written info easily, but struggle to pay attention to verbal info.

Horses for courses.

StrawberryPot · 07/12/2022 15:41

I think she kept it from us because she was embarrassed that she failed 2nd year twice.

One of my dcs failed first year twice and then left. So I know exactly how you feel. He sailed through school with very little effort. Got good A levels and plumped for quite a hard course (because it was his best subject...)
I never really got to the bottom of what went wrong. He failed exams the first year but when he resat the year there was then some tale of not getting some coursework marked so he failed the year again despite having passed exams (or so he says). I think he just wasn't used to having to work hard or managing without teachers badgering him to get things done.

I'm very anti the idea that going to university should be the norm because it devalues the experience for everyone. I remember having a wobble in my first year at uni in the 1970s and my tutor was on my poor grades like a ton of bricks - really helped me turn things around. From what I hear support/pastoral care is sadly lacking these days due to the sheer size of universities.

Anyway, ds came home and didn't do much for over a year. Did a bit of bar work but didn't like it so gave that up too 🙄. I was tearing my hair out wondering what would happen to him and worrying about his lack of drive.

However ... he applied for and was accepted on a degree apprenticeship with a major company. He's now in his 3rd year and seems to love it 🤞. He's earning a good salary and is guaranteed a job when he graduates.

We've even both persuaded ourselves that the 2 failed years at uni (and associated student loan) weren't a waste! They helped him develop as a person and he made some good friends.

I hope this tale gives you some comfort. All you can do is offer love and support. And try not to worry too much!

Sigma33 · 07/12/2022 15:42

In other words, don't draw any conclusions about whether higher education is right for her from this experience. It may be the wrong time/course/ circumstances.

And there are plenty of opportunities to succeed in life without a degree if it isn't for her rather than time/course/circumstances.

Bpdqueen · 07/12/2022 15:42

Just reassure her and support her in whatever decisions she makes

Beseen22 · 07/12/2022 15:42

I was a uni drop out. Did well at school without studying so never really learned how to study, missed some lectures because i didnt understnd them and i was overwhlemed and just never really ever caught up. Went into the exam knowing that I had failed. It was honestly so much less stress once I'd actually dropped out and made a plan, I'd been hiding all the stress I was feeling. I worked for 5 years but always felt like a failure so went on to do a self funded degree. Had my 2 kids during the degree which made everything a whole lot harder but I am now at the other side able to provide for my family and use my degree every day. My DH was also a drop out and he did and apprenctiship in a projects based office job and now earns double of my wage so its not the be all and end all.

It's early days and I'm sure she will come up with a plan of what she wants to do. You sound super supportive. My mum never really coped with the shame of me being a drop out, on the day of my graduation she said 'well you did pick an easy course to get an easy pass as usual' not realising the hell my DH and I had gone through trying to get my degree with 2 kids.

If I could go back to school age I'd be very interested in degree apprenticeships. They pay you a wage while you study a degree and usually are fairly practically based.

BayCityTrollers · 07/12/2022 15:43

It happens. I’m sorry for your DD, it must be horrible to be dealing with things like that and not wanting to face it. Glad she is home and hope she feels better for it all being out in the open now.

I left a ridiculous choice university course in my 2nd year, I would have failed if I hadn’t left. It was a stupid choice and not right for me at all.

I did stay in my university town, got a job for a few years and eventually did a nursing diploma. I’ve never looked back and life has been very good to me. My mum and dad took a while to accept I had left but they got over it eventually.

I do think some people don’t make the right decision first time. It’s a lot to decide at 17 years. Most find their path eventually. Good luck to you both.

DS1 also has mental health issues and we are never sure if he is staying at university, it’s tough but ultimately I have resigned myself to his mental health coming first and if that means leaving his course, that’s what he should do. For the moment he is staying and we are keeping everything crossed things continue to go well for him.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 07/12/2022 15:43

I agree with others on here, there's ridiculous pressure these days to go to uni. My DDs 6th form presented it as literally the only option, it drove me mad. I'm sure it's mainly for their stats.

There are plenty of other paths to rewarding, interesting careers, without huge debt.

One of mine went to uni, one didn't, both doing well now.

Let your DD come home and focus on feeling well and happy again, then take it from there, this really isn't the end of the world, although it may seem so to her.