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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

Original poster

DD has been kicked off her uni course.

172 replies

skippy67 · 07/12/2022 14:53

So Dd has just heard that she's been withdrawn from her uni course. Bit of background, she failed 2nd year, retook, and has failed again. She was allowed to enrol for year 3, was given a timetable etc, but didn't receive student finance because her place wasn't confirmed.

She kept all of this from us, until 2 weeks ago!
Any advice please? I'm worried because obviously the situation in and of itself isn't ideal, but she started self harming in year 1 at uni, and was prescribed anti depressants in 2nd year. I'm concerned this will set her MH back massively.

OP posts:
RunLolaRun102 · 07/12/2022 15:44

The focus should be on improving her MH and supporting her to work (if it would help). On premises uni courses aren’t for everyone. If she prefers, once she feels better, she could do an online course while working.

Puckthemagicdragon · 07/12/2022 15:44

I think you want to get to the bottom of why she failed - partying too hard, not academic, or experienced something traumatic that completely got in the way of her studies. Is the course itself rubbish? There's no point her trying to finish the course if it's simply the wrong thing for her. If she has her heart set on a particular career there are almost certainly other routes in that are not degree-based.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 07/12/2022 15:47

Meant to add, it's also a massive change if you are the sort of teen who is used to a lot of hand holding and guidance through school/6th form, and at home. They're seriously left to their own devices to just crack on with it.

Dixiechickonhols · 07/12/2022 15:49

I bet it’s a relief to her it’s out in open. If she wants you to and gives authority then contact uni and see what position is. A family friend had mh issues and not finished yr3 and not graduated.
With authority they spoke to my dh on his behalf and it was one assessment and 1 drawing he was missing and with support he did it and graduated. He was so close. He just couldn’t deal with it thought it was insurmountable.

xogossipgirlxo · 07/12/2022 15:53

Why did she fail and started harming herself? Did she not cope with being away from home? Bad breakup? It's not the end of the world. It reminded me the story where boy took his own life because he failed a year at uni course- it's horrible. I hope she knows it doesn't define her whole life. It doesn't say anything about her as a person. We all have our good and bad moments in life.

Ariela · 07/12/2022 15:53

I would (for when the time is appropriate) ask for recommendations locally and see if you can find some sort of a career coach who can talk through some ideas about next steps, and formulate a plan, help her with her CV and prepare her to be interviewed for whatever route she decides upon

Original poster
skippy67 · 07/12/2022 15:54

@StrawberryPot, thank you, really helpful.

And thanks everyone else too. Good to hear the experiences of others. I'm glad I started this thread!

OP posts:
speakout · 07/12/2022 15:55

I would simply welcome her home to relax and enjoy christmas.
Reassure her that things will be resolved, but firstly let her relax and tend to her mental health.
Many things are still possible.
She is still very young- many opportunities will lie ahead.
But getting into a good frame of mind must be the priority at the moment.

goosebuster · 07/12/2022 15:59

This sounds like me.

I never got my degree in the end as I took a job for a few months before going to start third year and never actually left as I got a number of promotions.

Several years later I am about to start an amazing job earning over £50k with 'just' a HND.

It's not the end of the world, although it may seem like it is right now. There are definitely alternative routes to success.

budgiegirl · 07/12/2022 16:00

I dropped out of uni in the late 80s after failing my second year twice. It was genuinely the worst and most stressful time of my life, and it was a relief to finally leave it behind me.

BUT the one thing that go me through it was my parents. They were amazing. They must have been disappointed, but they never once showed it. They just supported me in whatever I wanted to do next, with absolutely no judgement at all. I look back now, and know how very much they loved me, and I will always be very grateful for that.

MistletoeandBaileys · 07/12/2022 16:00

Sometimes going into University can be such a huge shock. Everything is different. I dropped out of the course I was doing in my second year. No mental health issues it just wasn’t for me and I felt so pressured.

The following September I enrolled in a 4 year degree and completed it happily. Not only was the course a better fit but the campus was much smaller and class sizes were much smaller and it didn’t feel so overwhelming.

I then went on to look at a masters and on the open day was completely overwhelmed by the sheer amount of people that I decided against doing it. And I’m so glad I did.

I’m now in a career I enjoy and my degree is sat in a box somewhere in the attic. It’s about as much use as a paper umbrella in a rainstorm!

There is so much emphasis on getting a degree and when you realise it’s not for you it’s the sheer fear of saying anything to anyone because you feel like a failure!

But maybe your DD is right and studying from home might be the way forward for her.

Xenia · 07/12/2022 16:00

See if you can get to the bottom of the reason for failing the yar 2 resits and exactly what is happening for year 3. Eg my oldest son was late with a dissertation submission and had to withdraw (despite an unsuccessful appeal) in about Jan of year 3 (got fees refund for part of year) and then started Year 3 again (so did a 3 year degree over 4 years). He asked for my help (very different from my other children) in keeping to time scales for essays etc, gave me access to his online timetable (!!! not something most students want) and in years 2 and 3/4 he lived at home and went to university from here - could drive himself in 40 mins). Not the ideal university experience but what he wanted and he did graduate and is very pleased he stuck at it and got his degree.

PassThePringles · 07/12/2022 16:04

Sigma33 · 07/12/2022 14:56

Reassure her that this isn't the end of everything. This is a temporary set back, and she can take a step back, grieve it and recover, explore other interests when she is ready. She can focus on her mental health for a bit.

Other avenues will open up in time. Not everyone finds the right path straight away, and more and more people are having many different careers in their lifetime.

I wish my dm had said this to me when I was younger!

BadBear · 07/12/2022 16:05

You sound super supportive and that is all she needs at the moment.

If she's interested in going back to uni to complete her degree, it might be an idea to speak to a Wellness officer. Most universities have them and they're pretty good at finding alternatives.

obsessedwithblankets · 07/12/2022 16:06

Hi OP
I 'failed' first year (tbh I'd lost interest by the point exams rolled around) and then withdraw again the following year. I felt so, so ashamed - my family always expected for me to do 'well'; and I agree with PPs that there is so much emphasis and weight placed on going to uni. DH struggled for almost a year to get any sort of job after graduation - MIL was baffled at this: 'but you've got a DEGREE!' almost as if it's the magic key into any job.

It's now 15+ years later and I've just withdrawn from another attempt at a degree (after deferring third year three times); I'm finally at the point now where I've come to terms with uni not being for me. I've wasted so much time, emotion and money on something which in the grand scheme of things really isn't that big of a deal.

I definitely agree that your DD's priority should be getting her MH sorted - the first time I went to uni I struggled MH-wise (being 250 miles away from home didn't help with existing issues), and when I've tried studying as a mature student it's been difficult MH-wise in other ways too. Being happy and healthy is far more important than obtaining a qualification.

AltheaVestr1t · 07/12/2022 16:07

It has been a very, very difficult few years to be a student. Lots of good advice here but I think you should try to let go of your disappointment, or at least make sure that your daughter is not aware of it. The combination of the pandemic and existing mental health problems must have been hugely challenging on top of the regular stresses of being a young adult. I'm sure she has done her best and any additional shame or blame is going to make things even worse for her than they already are. She needs to be cared for and reassured so she can recover and move on from here.

Stunningscreamer · 07/12/2022 16:08

budgiegirl · 07/12/2022 16:00

I dropped out of uni in the late 80s after failing my second year twice. It was genuinely the worst and most stressful time of my life, and it was a relief to finally leave it behind me.

BUT the one thing that go me through it was my parents. They were amazing. They must have been disappointed, but they never once showed it. They just supported me in whatever I wanted to do next, with absolutely no judgement at all. I look back now, and know how very much they loved me, and I will always be very grateful for that.

That's so lovely to hear. I had the opposite experience when I did badly in my A levels. My parents were really angry with me and it wrecked my confidence for years, and I ended up scraping into a crappy college doing a crappy degree. Years later I got a first class honours degree from the OU in a much more suitable subject which I now work in today.

Giving support to your DD can work wonders. Sometimes it's good to build up your confidence again working for a while before going on to doing an OU or on site degree later on if that's what she decides. My issue was largely doing the wrong A levels as I had zero advice from my school or parents. Doing the right subject is so important.

Chippy1234 · 07/12/2022 16:17

The course wasnt for her but there is real pressure on our young people now to go to university (thanks Blair!). Its not right for lots of young people and to say 50% of them need to go needs a review.

I would love to see more technical universities where people can learn trades etc.

When I was growing up uni attendance was circa 5%. Why has it shot up to 50%??

I also see a trend in young people ignoring all sorts of letters/emails etc as though they dont matter yet Facebook, text messages are seen as the place to be.

I drilled into my kids that emails MUST be read and responded to. They dont seem to have any issues with being on Facebook for hours on end talking about shite! Sorry - this is a real bug bear of mine....

CaptainMyCaptain · 07/12/2022 16:17

ICanTuckMyBoobsInMyPockets · 07/12/2022 14:55

You just need to welcome her home, let her relax for a bit in a home environment and support her while she decides what to do next.

Poor girl. Has she said why she kept it from you?

I agree with this. University isn't for everyone. I wonder if she felt pressed to do it, not necessarily by you but school, peers etc. Give her some time to think about what she wants to do with her life. There are jobs you can start without a degree and get promotion as you go like the civil service. M&S management trainee scheme is also supposed to be good, I think all new entrants have to spend some time on the shop floor first.

Kanaloa · 07/12/2022 16:23

Bless her, hope she’s feeling okay.

I think realistically being removed from the course is for the best - what’s the alternative? How would it have changed if she’d taken the year over and over? I would let her relax at home for a bit then chat things over - why does she think she failed the year repeatedly, how can she help herself and fix things, what are her plans going forward etc.

Oakbeam · 07/12/2022 16:25

I also see a trend in young people ignoring all sorts of letters/emails etc as though they dont matter yet Facebook, text messages are seen as the place to be.

It has been happening almost since emails began. Academics are almost as bad.

Some unis have developed phone apps that bring all the important info into one place and present it in such a way that students (and staff) are more inclined to look at it.

Kanaloa · 07/12/2022 16:27

BigSandyBalls2015 · 07/12/2022 15:47

Meant to add, it's also a massive change if you are the sort of teen who is used to a lot of hand holding and guidance through school/6th form, and at home. They're seriously left to their own devices to just crack on with it.

I’m a mature student at uni and notice this big time. The amount of shocked/panicked conversations I’ve had with classmates going ‘I can’t believe my dissertation/huge essay/project is due’ and you think… but the dates have been up for 10 weeks, how could it have surprised you? But I think there is definitely a gap in A-Level teaching where students miss out on learning the important skill of managing their own time.

Usernamqwerty · 07/12/2022 16:35

Hi OP,

University is really hard, lots of pressures, including social, financial and academic. Well done to your daughter for making it this far.

It's very likely that her University will give her credits for the completed modules which she can use as proof of APR (approved prior learning) if she wants to finish her degree elsewhere.

Good luck to you both 🌺

GuyGomasWife · 07/12/2022 16:35

Just get her home and support her. Please don't show her you are disappointed. For you as much as her as it will taint your relationship forever more.

Also consider why you are disappointed and whether this is about her or you. I say this as someone with a perpetually disappointed mother, even at 38 as a highly qualified professional it still really hurts

VesperLindt · 07/12/2022 16:41

Also sounds like me! I failed third year and ended up with an unclassified degree. Felt like the end of the world and I was in a very dark place.

Lots of reasons why. I definitely had undiagnosed depression, was ill all the time, unable to get out of bed, 0 motivation and basically attended no lectures. I barely remember anything from uni, think I blocked it all out as it was fairly traumatic.

Luckily I made some amazing friends, moved to London with them and started grafting in a field not related to my degree. Worked my way up and now have my dream job.

I feel very lucky every day I made it through those dark times. I still sometimes have nightmares about lectures! Be kind to her and supportive. With MH it’s very hard to open up and address it, I felt so much shame when my mum tried to talk to me. Help her see it’s not the end of the world, if she wants to get a job and start working I’d see that as a good thing.