Students unprepared for university

[RampantIvy]

I have read such a lot of posts recently on the WIWIKAU Facebook page from parents who are proud of their DC's (usually son's) poor efforts at shopping and cooking and generally looking after themselves.

Why on earth aren't they teaching their DC to cook, go grocery shopping, use a washing machine, wash up and other life skills before they go to university?

I agree OP, as repeated several times this is not a discussion about those who have genuine reasons for struggling with independence at uni. It seems that it is impossible to talk about the fact that in addition to all the academic stuff parents also need to consider helping more with life skills, self reliance and independence along the way without it being seen a criticism. Right now there are teens up and down the country really struggling and wanting to leave uni after just a few weeks because it is all too overwhelming. This is such a shame and incredibly stressful and costly. If reading this helps some people think about how they might better prepare their teen earlier on then this cannot be a bad thing.

I’m not sure those struggling are struggling because they don’t know how to change a bed or make pasta though.

I suspect they are struggling as they’ve gone from being stuck in their bedrooms for 2 years and now are at the other extreme fending for themselves

Never has there been such a massive contrast. I think there are two different discussions here - I’m not sure the large numbers that are struggling and coming home etc are doing so just because they can’t work the washing machine or haven’t been shown how to boil an egg

I agree @aesopstables. There does seem to be a lot more students just now who are really struggling mentally with being away from home for the first time. My original post wasn't about that.

I feel that the university "experience" is oversold these days, and students have been given unrealistic expectations. I feel so sad for all these young people who after only a few days or a week feel that university is not for them.

I thought of this thread today, when there was one parent on WIWIKAU who was enraged that the washing machine at her dd's University says not to use fabric conditioner.
Now I've had 3 dc at different universities and that level of miniature of their lives just never got discussed, and if it ever got in to a conversation, it would not have been something I needed to start a post about.

Then, on the same day, another parent asked about a timetable changing at university. Now, I agree that seems a bit strange to have things different each week, but she said it was difficult as her dd wanted to get a PT job - again, understandable query, but when someone replied to say that surely the Uni wasn't having them in for lectures during the evenings and on Saturdays and Sundays, the poster then said no there was nothing at weekends, but that she couldn't work on Saturdays as she had to do her cleaning and household things then......... Now if a student isn't capable of working out she could do her "household things" on a Tuesday morning or a Wednesday evening and apply for jobs she says she wants to do on a Saturday, then yes, I do wonder how they have been brought up. It is the lack of ability to think logically.

So, once again, it isn't any one of the individual things that a student gets stuck with, it is the fact they can't think "Oh, this isn't what I expected, but what can I do now?"

Our DC have been brought up along the lines of there being some things which have to be done at a certain time - e.g. getting out of the house in time to get to the station / bus stop at least marginally before the last possible train / bus to get to work or school on time. But others which really don't- e.g. lunch can be at 11.30am or 2. 30 pm, if that means that other things which are at a fixed time for their organisers' reasons (swimming lessons etc) can be engaged with. However, especially once we had DS1, I did seem to come across more people for whom a precisely controlled routine was important for no other reason than, well, it was important to have a precisely controlled routine.

Perhaps the girl's parents were Gina Ford groupies back in the day and have never actually got over it?

Having thought about this further, there seems to be an awful lot of posts from mums (it always seem to be mums) who are really reluctant to let their DC leave home to go to university. Even though they are trying to hide their sadness at their DC leaving home I wonder if somehow the students sense this and this highlights their feelinds of isolation when away?

@aesopstables I don't want to minimise the impact of Covid or lockdowns on these kids goodness knows they have been through a lot but they have not been 'locked in their bedrooms' for two years.

Yours mightn’t have been. Let’s not forget not everyone had the same pandemic. DC with clinically vulnerable parents for example had a very different pandemic and had a lot more restrictions on their movements for a lot longer than others.

People forget this so quickly.

I wanted to say this as well. I do think we must be careful not to rewrite history. A few months was not 2 years and At 16 which most of them were (or about to be) when first lockdown hit, a lot of socialising was online, well it was in our case.

The best thing our DS did was get a pub/restaurant job at 17. It really helped him learn how to talk to people IYKWIM how to get along with colleagues, how to speak to his boss, how to deal with a wide variety of customers. It also helped him to start to deal with money, banking etc

I realise that everyone is different and people reacted to covid/lockdowns differently but to say they were "locked in their bedrooms" for two years is just wrong

Well said @SilverGlitterBaubles and @Kettledodger

I too don't understand it. Use a washing machine and iron a shirt can be taught to teens. Ds1 doesn't cook that many meals but can cook a few. I have been very impressed with some of the WIWIKAU Roasts though - seriously impressive.

Most schools do cooking aDT in year 7,8, and 9. Maybe that is not the norm across all schools though?

I'm with Kettle. It's not the kids on WIWIKAU that bother me. It's the other parents: "I'm so sad I'm crying constantly and can't go to work." I feel like screaming : Get a fucking grip.

Saying that I don't separate lights and darks. And only occasionally do a white wash.

@Kettledodger I agree having a part time/ holiday job either paid or voluntary helps them in so many ways as you have said. It has made an enormous difference to DDs self confidence and independence.

There was a thread about working recently the majority of MN responses were that their teens should not work as they had plenty time to be wage slaves in future and concentrate and on their A level studies.

I just can't help but feeing that perhaps in the focus on results and all that goes with getting to uni we are missing out in the bit that helps them (and us) prepare for life when they actually get there.

Let’s not forget not everyone had the same pandemic. DC with clinically vulnerable parents for example had a very different pandemic and had a lot more restrictions on their movements for a lot longer than others.

They still weren't 'locked in their bedrooms for two years'. If there were parents somewhere actually keeping their children locked in their rooms, they needed reporting to SS, clinically vulnerable or not.

I don't think it does young people any favours to tell them they must be traumatised by lockdown, and to gaslight them into thinking it was far worse than it actually was.

(And lockdown might have been a good opportunity to learn housekeeping skills, since there wasn't much to do outside the home. Except that I suppose they couldn't learn to cook or do laundry, could they, because they were locked in their bedrooms.)

Indeed really impressive

Having a part time job was a huge bonus for DS , especially during lock down. He started at 16, well before lockdown, so had to learn to be organised, have his uniform washed and clean for each shift etc.
There were friends of his who weren’t allowed jobs in case it interfered with studies, but DS has learned some really valuable soft skills in the course of his work.

For me the weirdest thing is the parents who are quite proud of their DC's inability to manage basic life skills. I've seen people online saying their child is at university and phones a few times a day asking how to do basic things. One person said "Oh he phoned me yesterday to find out how to buy a stamp, so I had to go and buy a book of stamps and post them to him!" and other people were laughing away and saying "Oh they're all still your baby, they never stop needing you!" etc.

Like, ok, not everyone has all the life skills they need by 18, but surely (unless they have learning difficulties etc obviously) they should have a basic grasp of coping day-to-day or at least the ability to Google it or ask someone.

It's as if some parents need to be needed; they don't realise that part of the point of parenting is to raise adults who can make their own way in the world!

Probably the same ones who laugh "I can't do Maths, me!" as if it's a good thing that huge numbers of people are innumerate!

I was at uni in the early 90s. My (all girl) household was untidy and the kitchen was often a state. My now dh’s (all male) household had a rota where all took it in turns to cook for the whole house. All sorts of interesting stuff was served up!

It's as if some parents need to be needed; they don't realise that part of the point of parenting is to raise adults who can make their own way in the world!

I think that's it in a nutshell. They feel redundant as a parent, when instead they should be feeling accomplished.

It's the other parents: "I'm so sad I'm crying constantly and can't go to work." I feel like screaming : Get a fucking grip.

I know what you mean. It's as if their lives are so enmeshed with their children's that they can't see anything beyond it.

🤣🤣🤣🤣A whole host of condescending posts about other people’s perceived failings, how pathetic and inexcusable those failings are, how completely free of such inadequacies the poster is, and how such failings are probably the cause of young people’s poor mental health, and someone has the cheek to suggest the thread might help some people. 🤣🤣🤣🤣 The only people this thread will help are those who want to get off in their own sense of superiority, it has completely the wrong tone to help anyone else as it’s all focused on blame and shaming others.

Fully appreciate that some of this generation have missed out on "growing up" as a result of pandemic restrictions. And some will have mental health issues as as result.

But ... surely being stuck at home was a reason to have become more proficient in things like washing, cooking and housework? There wasn't an awful lot else to do. And for the cohort who've just started university, they didn't even have any school for 6 months.

They DID have school. It was online instead of face to face. In most cases, the kids had to spend more time doing their school work (the ones who wanted to do it, that is), to make up for the lack of face to face teaching and support. My DS spent far longer than normal on doing his "school work" as he had to do a lot more self study, research, etc as he found a lot of the "online" lessons provided by his school to be pretty poor.