Students unprepared for university

[RampantIvy]

I have read such a lot of posts recently on the WIWIKAU Facebook page from parents who are proud of their DC's (usually son's) poor efforts at shopping and cooking and generally looking after themselves.

Why on earth aren't they teaching their DC to cook, go grocery shopping, use a washing machine, wash up and other life skills before they go to university?

I think that what sheepdog means is that once they announced that GCSE's would be cancelled the current cohort (not accounting for anyone who took a Gap Year) didn't have online school. My son, however had bridging tasks to do for college, some schools did the same for their Year 11 who were staying on.

The cohort that should have had GCSEs in 2020 certainly didn't have school work during the first lockdown. Or at least not anything that actually mattered or was substantial. As soon as GCSEs were cancelled, they went to the bottom of the list for consideration/input by the school as they sought to set up online learning/get out devices/work out how to support key worker children. Possibly it was different at private schools where people were paying for it, but that was my DC and their peers (at different schools') experience.

My younger DD did have your experience of having to spend longer on school work etc. as it was remote and required more independent learning.

Just skimmed the whole thread and the bus thing made me laugh.

My younger two kids have never taken a bus anywhere on their own that I can recall. There aren't any around here.

OTOH from the age of 17 they would happily drive themselves to the airport and do a flight on their own.

I guess you learn what you need at the time.

Yeah... I've rolled my eyes at those posts too.

A friend of a friend visits her DS every other week to swap his bedding and towels over so she can bring them home to wash. She strips and makes his bed for him. As far as I know the student has no extra needs and is not ND.

How are young people like this ever going to learn to be independent?

I think it does carry into adult life too. I know someone who organises all her adult son’s bills because she doesn’t think he’s organised enough. He’s a working professional in his own rented flat with no special needs.

That is madness. I'd not step foot inside my son's uni room as it's a biohazard😂. He's still alive though so all is well.

They could have been in the kitchen learning to cook; or helping with chores around the house.

As a parent you are supposed to teach them, train them, whatever, to keep their surroundings clean.

Why is it only women who seem to have been taught, and it is some sort of badge of honour for men to sit in their filth.

They could have been in the kitchen learning to cook; or helping with chores around the house

Given parents are so lenient these days I don't believe for a minute all these MNers make their kids do "chores" (such a quaint term - isn't it "life admin" these days?)

I guess you learn what you need at the time

Precisely this.

Who needs to iron a shirt? I thought it was a MN badge of honour never to do ironing.

As for "learning" to use a washing machine. Divide clothes into darks and lights (pinks, blues and lights if you are so inclined), check no black socks in washing machine if doing lights, stick in washing machine, add powder/liquid, done. How much "learning" does it take?

This is all a bit "life admin". Everything is made into a huge deal which needs to be "taught" from 5 years old, when in fact, it takes all of five minutes to convey.

Who needs to iron a shirt? I thought it was a MN badge of honour never to do ironing.

Music students do!

I think waiting until a few weeks before they leave and then trying to teach them anything is leaving it too late. It's much easier to learn a skill by watching and helping over the years and gradual release of responsibility. I do, we do, you do. You start to take ownership and see this as "your job" rather than expecting someone else to do it.

Yes you can get recipes online or in books but it's not the same as learning in action from someone who knows what they're doing and can correct you along the way, assist, model. If you haven't touched an oven until you are 17 then you don't have the confidence to try things out. When you're a student, money is tight do you're not going to waste a lot of money and time on trying to do a big elaborate meal that might turn out shocking.

I think we don't really have a food culture in the UK as they go in other countries, where grandmother's recipes and skills will be passed on with pride, that connection to heritage.

I remember shortly before I left for uni my mum trying to show me how to roast a chicken and it just seemed baffling and too much, because I had never see. Her do it or helped before, I had zero existing skills. She later said she had tried to teach me but " I wasn't interested".

On the other hand I had been helping with cleaning, clothes and baking for years and am skilled and confident in those areas. I lived in beans and potatoes and ready meals at uni. Only now beginning to up my skills. In my case I think my mother just didn't really have many skills in this arena to pass on! It's fine; I love her! She worked full time and she did her best.

My MIL , on the other hand, is an excellent cook and was a SAHM. Sadly she didn't pass on any of these skills to my DH so he is having to start from scratch like me! He is also totally clueless in washing and cleaning, shrinks things etc. He has been taught the "male" things about cars and lawnmowers. I really want to try to involve our DC in all the jobs and pass on everything we know!

TBH I don't remember actually teaching DD much in the way of life skills. I think she picked it up from being "immersed" in it as a way of life.

For example I would say "I'm doing a dark wash. Have you got anything that needs washing?" She would watch cookery shows with me, and come shopping with me, so none of this was new to her when she went away.

Covid and lockdowns were more reason to get your kids involved in doing stuff around the house.

Like many, DD1 did not cope well with the lockdowns as she was in Year 12 and Year 13 for each of them. She passed her driving test just before the 2nd lockdown. Sending her off to the supermarket to free reign shop and cook was the only way she got to feel independent and grown-up during that phase. It helped her massively. She didn't know how to do everything when she got to Uni. She hadn't done much laundry or cleaning before - but she quickly learnt.

wiwikau does seem to represent the continuing trend for mothers to allow their sons to remain incompetent and helpless. Perhaps they need to feel needed by their boys else they fear they won't come back if they foster too much independence. DD's first boyfriends didn't even make his own sandwich for lunch at the age of 17. Luckily she now has one whose mum makes her sons cook every week.

Mine were doing chores from the point at which we started pocket money. They earned there money- it was nothing onerous- just emptying the dishwasher or helping tidy up. When they got older pocket money was paid monthly into their bank accounts with the same expectation to help out.
From about 14 they got a clothing allowance paid monthly. I calculated a rough cost for the year assuming a mix of mid range and cheaper clothing. It took away all the dramas of arguing over clothes. If they wanted something expensive they used birthday/Christmas money/gift vouchers to top up.

*their ffs

My son prefers home cooked food to takeaways so once his A levels were done I taught him to cook his favourite dishes. Proper cooking too, few jars. He regularly blitzes red peppers to make his pasta sauce he likes for a dish he found on Instagram! He’s still cooking a month in, very proud. I’d be ashamed to send a child off with zero skills. I don’t want a future DIL blaming me either that he can’t cook or look after himself. I hope he appreciates it a bit more when he’s home for holidays and I’m cooking again! My DD age 14 already voluntarily cooks her own dinner nearly every evening, she will he absolutely fine when she goes. Her home baked cookies are amazing

I’d be ashamed to send a child off with zero skills. I don’t want a future DIL blaming me either that he can’t cook or look after himself.

I'm sure most mumsnetters would love a MIL like you.

So many parents do not see their role as preparing their DC to be adults. They seem to want them as needy friends. Therefore they cry when they leave home and don’t prepare Dc in any meaningful way. They continue to do a lot for them so Dc just let them do it.

Some DC work out they need to read washing labels. They have enough general knowledge to read and interpret a recipe. One of my DDs did a lot of cooking at school. Other DD just learnt as she went along. But they are separate people making their own decisions and looking after themselves. They are adults.

A girl in DDs halls needed hospital treatment for severe food poisoning which they think was either from undercooked chicken or food storage contamination issues in her halls fridge.

Teaching teens some basic cooking as well as how to prepare and store food correctly to avoid getting really ill is a necessity.

Teach them to claim the top shelf in the fridge if they can, to prevent stuff dripping on their food from above. So many teens go to uni with no clue about cooking or food hygiene.

Teach them to claim the top shelf in the fridge if they can, to prevent stuff dripping on their food from above.

Definitely. When DD moved into her halls flat she wasn't the first one there and the top shelves of both fridges had been bagged. One student used to store meat in containers that weren't airtight, and the blood had dripped down onto DD's food 😦

@RampantIvy
So were they using colanders?

DD1 went catered to avoid this.