Students unprepared for university

[RampantIvy]

I have read such a lot of posts recently on the WIWIKAU Facebook page from parents who are proud of their DC's (usually son's) poor efforts at shopping and cooking and generally looking after themselves.

Why on earth aren't they teaching their DC to cook, go grocery shopping, use a washing machine, wash up and other life skills before they go to university?

I agree OP. I think it is quite sad that many of them are so unprepared practically and emotionally for uni life. It makes me wonder if some of have these kids parents have done absolutely everything for them pre university. DC1 currently in her 1st year has encountered people who have never had to make themselves food at home, even just basic pasta and sauce/ pizza in the oven type thing, never tidied up, put a wash on or hung laundry out. One flatmate had never been on a bus (other than an open top sightseeing one) or used any form of public transport as her DPs didn't like it and drove them everywhere. I do realise that in some cases there is a good reason for this but mostly it seems like it leaves them really unprepared for life beyond home.

One flatmate had never been on a bus

I often tell parents at open days, etc., to make sure their children learn how to read a bus timetable as it will save them a fortune in taxi fares.

The other side of the coin, however, is that I am fairly advanced in years and would have no idea whatsoever how to use an Uber.

I'd never used a washing machine before I left home to go to university, because my mum would have found fault with every detail if I'd tried. Unsurprisingly, it was not a difficult thing to learn once I was there. I'd always cooked, though.

I grew up in London suburbs and my mum didn't drive so I grew up going on the bus all the time.

However now I live in a commuter town, we rarely uses buses at all (I don't think either DC have ever been on one independently and the last bus we went on was a park and ride)

For us it's cheaper and easier to go to the next town on the train, if using public transport.

Ah critiquing again. Do none of you live rurally? There are no buses! I think there’s one a week from our village lol. My DS has gone to live in a major city for uni and I’m sure will work it out. But why be unkind?

I grew up a mile from the nearest bus stop, with a once an hour bus to the nearest town if you were lucky. So my parents drove us everywhere. But I still knew how to use a bus, and read a street map, and cook, and do my own laundry when I went to university - I was 17, and had worked away from home for 6 months before that.

Not sure my DD had ever been on a bus when she left home. Apart from on holidays perhaps. It's nearly 10 miles to the nearest bus stop here so it was generally quicker, easier and cheaper to just take her wherever she was going.
But within a few months of turning 17 she was confidently driving long distances alone in all weathers, wouldn't bat an eyelid at changing a wheel, could do basic diagnostics and maintenance on her own car, and rescued other people on more than one occasion. Don't think she used public transport much, if at all, as a student either. In fact I think some of her friends thought she was public transport! I hope she didn't sneer at fellow students who "couldn't even drive" though.
It's almost as if people's life skills tend to reflect their life experiences or something...

The bus thing is a red herring. We are rural and DD takes the train if she needs to get somewhere, or I drive her because there are no buses between us and the village where her friend lives.

She uses the metro where she lives now.

I agree that covid has made some things more difficult for young people in terms of socialising and other soft skills.

But with the greatest respect I am guessing that was last century? Things have changed so much in the last 20 years, and especially since the pandemic.

my DD used to get the school bus, for example, until the pandemic when it stopped and I had to drive her instead.

I really don’t think it’s helpful to compare YAs starting uni off the back of a 2 year pandemic to one’s own uni experiences 20 years ago.

I really don’t think it’s helpful to compare YAs starting uni off the back of a 2 year pandemic to one’s own uni experiences 20 years ago

Or even more. I agree.

My DSs were perfect little helpers at 5/6/7/8 yo too. At 13/14 yo they were perfectly willing and able to clean the bathroom and cook a decent meal. At 19&21 they still do it when asked, but I don't think to hard about what they're actually cooking and cleaning away from home.

I think it's insecurity.
Probably the sort of parents who were always more interested in what marks everyone else got.

I think on point two most folk do not expect that some fresher in shared accommodation is going to have a full suite of life skills to assist them living away from home for the first time. What I do not (and I guess others) understand is how utterly useless some 18 year olds are at adapting to their new surroundings and are still useless come the end of the first term. Necessity usually is the driver of solutions, if you have a heap of laundry that needs doing you figure out how to get it clean, even if it means doing it by hand in the bath. You work out how to cook basic meals on a budget or pool resources with flatmates to group cook etc. You work out how to pay bills, sort out an overdraft with the bank or any other life admin that requires attention. What I found amazing when at uni was the sizable minority of students still relying on their parents to do anything and those parents indulging this nonsense. I knew a handful of people post graduation who could still fuck up heating a tin of beans or would still call mum or dad to help sort out a utility bill despite essentially living away from home for the previous three or four years.

University washing machines are fairly complex and nothing like the home ones

Cooking is a basic skill they no longer teach in schools properly my daughter managed to excel despite not really cooking at home much she has fed herself at university and beyond she spent so long watching and harassing me in the kitchen she clearly learned more than I thought

My son has stated he is NEVER moving out but he can cook porridge and toast type things so he won't starve

When I was 7 or 8 me and my siblings were presented with two books. There was 'My Learn to Cook Book' and 'My Fun to Cook Book' and we were made to work through the recipes at weekends. We hated it because we all wanted to play or read comics instead, but we weren't given a choice. It stood us in good stead and we all learned to cook very well. My older brother cooked his first full Sunday lunch when he was 14 and I recall it was very good.

We were also made to learn how to swim and ride a bike, two more vital skills.

It's not about being unkind, it's a statement of fact that these teens arrive at university with varying levels of life experience and skills and some do struggle. I did state that there can be good reason for this. For some the learning curve is steep for others less so in certain respects. It may be that some of this is helpful to parents to consider what they can try to do in small ways earlier on to help get their YP prepared.

OK great if it wasn’t meant to be unkind, it read in a kind of “my DD is superior as she can do these things and her flatmates are useless because they’ve never been on a bus” sort of thing. As you say, myriad reasons why and I hope we are all teaching our YAs not to judge until they know the whys and understand the background a bit more. It’s all too easy to belittle YAs and on here, their parenting, without knowing the full background.

If life has taught me anything, it’s that there is always a reason - so it’s best not to assume people are useless/have over helicoptery parents that just can’t stop themselves etc. It’s rarely that simple.

Of course there is. Not physical force, just simple consequences .

If you don't do your own washing (in automatic machine) you will run out of clean clothes.

If you don't change your bedlinen /clean your room/ you'll be inviting your friends to the stinking midden.

Pocket money and taxi service are born from mutual services and domestic co-operation.

Yes it is cold. Nobody filled the log box so the stove went out.

When I am out all day, just make your own beans on toast/baked potato/bacon and eggs.

You'd like driving lessons? I'd like to have the car cleaned.

You's like Eve's Pudding tonight? Here's the ingredients, and google.

I'm not cooking dinner all by myself; grab that veg peeler.

Hah! So says a parent of physically competent, compliant children. It doesn’t actually take much of an impairment in organisational abilities or the natural acquisition of physical skills to make a child potentially extremely resistant to being taught and expected to carry out what on the surface seem to be pretty basic skills of daily living. Some parents (and mild organisational and physical deficits are not uncommon, so this is in no way a tiny minority of parents) have to learn to pick their battles, rather than patronisingly lecture others about “simple consequences.” Claiming it’s simple is really the equivalent of telling someone who is dyslexic that they are stupid. “Simple consequences” are not always the answer, and becoming a teenager doesn’t increase the chances of developing a susceptibility to cave in to parental pressure, however simple the consequences said parents are offering up.

@Walkaround My OP was about NT young adults who came from supportive and functional backgrounds. I totally understand that for others there would be issues. I also realise that due to widening participation that there are many more students at university who wouldn’t have been able to go 20 or 30 years ago, and who need extra support.

Basically, this thread is about students who have no reason to not be capable of basic life skills.

Agree @DillonPanthersTexas and @SilverGlitterBaubles and @2bazookas

@Walkaround my current student gets DSA because of processing issues , ADHD, and dyspraxia.
As a parent, that means my job was to make sure she had a lot more practice and frame-working to become as competent as she can at looking after herself rather than meaning I should just let her 'not learn'. How would that have helped her in life ? No, of course I can't "cure" her difficulties with organisation, executive function, time planning etc., let alone stop her falling over and bumping in to things, but I have been able to insist she took her turn to cook an evening meal once a week throughout her teenage years, and I have been able to say "So what do you think you can do now?" when she has come home from school with a problem, etc etc.

However, as the OP has clearly stated several times, this thread was about parents who are overly involved and infantising their adult dc., not about people who wouldn't be capable if you give them the chance, or those who never had the chance.

Never used bus at uni, or in later life. Still not great at cooking. Still no idea how to pay utility bills etc.
Nevertheless managed uni, traveled at 16 through Europe by train and plane, moved to different country on my own , and in a high paying job.
So essential skills may not be very essential.

No, I can't understand why there's so many man babies around. Poor widdle pwecious can't possibly learn to use a washing machine or open a tin of beans.

Dd21 knows how to do all the basic life stuff, the last 10 years or so was when that groundwork was laid.

She's studying abroad for a year, so has also had to learn about flying alone and packing enough life stuff into a suitcase weighing under 23kg. Also how to get that suitcase returned when it does not arrive at baggage reclaim. How to be pushy and not roll over because someone in authority tells her "tough".

Basically, sometimes you come across stuff in life that makes you learn new stuff. Sometimes that new stuff is how to do laundry or unblock a drain, sometimes it is stuff you never knew you had to know.

My dd has phoned about launderette etiquette - OK to remove someone else's washing from an abandoned tumble drier?, and how to set up a direct debit for a bill. Like OP I am amazed though that MNetters 18 yos are not capable of making their own bed or shopping for and cooking food. I had a super fussy eater - getting her to choose and make the bloody stuff was a technique I employed early on. She could cook things she still wouldn't eat since she was small 😂I do understand that grasping a big city's transport system might be tricky if you live rurally.

But lots of things you don't specifically need to have learned by your parents at a younger age, you still manage to do it if needed.
Middle DC probably doesn't even know where our washing machine is but still managed at uni to have clean clothes.
So I don't think they need to learn these so called essential skills to be able to manage at uni.
But yes, they should be encouraged to try new things on their own, encouraged to ask for help if needed etc