Students unprepared for university

[RampantIvy]

I have read such a lot of posts recently on the WIWIKAU Facebook page from parents who are proud of their DC's (usually son's) poor efforts at shopping and cooking and generally looking after themselves.

Why on earth aren't they teaching their DC to cook, go grocery shopping, use a washing machine, wash up and other life skills before they go to university?

My just gone to uni son hoovers, puts a wash on and kept his own bedroom clean but only learnt to peel an onion/chop veg the week before he went. No interest before then 😂 he’ll be fine , he can read so can follow a recipe from the internet or live off oven pizza

As a lecturer I'd prefer students were reading over ironing. Who irons!?

It is possible to do both.

and ironing might not be essential but being vaguely capable of a semi nutritious meal is relatively important

Maybe it's because I'm a single parent of 5 boys, but all mine have been washing, washing up, cooking and cleaning for quite a few years. Even the one with learning disabilities has to do his bit.

No way was I having them think that a woman's job is to do all this for them.

One DS has gone to uni now. I bought him basic food for his first few days, so he could find his feet and the nearest supermarket, but I'm confident he'll be ok as he can cook basic sauces for pasta and rice as well stick stuff in an oven. I'm sure he won't starve. Not sure how much fruit and veg he will actually eat though.

Why don't you make a big long post telling us how you did it and how successful it was. We could all benefit from your words of wisdom I'm sure.

What a reaction I’ve never provoked such outrage before! I wasn’t being entirely serious. However, it’s amazing how girlfriends who love cooking seem to be able to inspire an interest in culinary matters in ds who never in 17 years displayed the slightest inclination to cook or bake! (None are married yet, but I get on very well with their g/fs, thanks!)

It's interesting what counts as life skills here as well. DS can do first aid, defuse fights between groups of people, build a top spec PC and do a myriad of other stuff learned at work. I dont really mind if he can only cook 4 meals and can't bake a cake.

I'm in my 30s and went to university having never used a washing machine and only able to cook frozen oven food and super noodles. I wasn't interested in cooking and grew up in a busy household where my parents just did chores as quickly as possible to get them done.

I don't think this is a modern thing - some people just don't learn until they have to. I'll probably try a bit harder with my own children, but some children just aren't receptive. Most of them figure it out in the end.

I started teaching DS (13) to cook before he was 10. Not had a great deal of luck with him using the washing machine though, DD (16) will put a wash on if I’ve not washed her clothes and she can cook.
It’s mostly that I don’t want DS to think it’s all women’s work as his dad was never around to do anything. Now we’ve split, it’s good that he can see housework and cooking is everyone’s job.

@FurAndFeathers I'm sorry that as a single parent who is also disabled and who has a disabled child I wasn't as perfect a parent as you.

I think that people often leave it too late and are faced with a disinterested teen. Imo, the job starts with tiny people. My Dc is 6, but he cooks with me. He often loses interest and wanders off, but that is ok. He picks up bits and he has plenty of time for it to come together. He could do pancakes, banana muffins, tomato sauce for pasta and meatballs by himself if he had to (though he isn't allowed to deal with hot things by himself). I'd say the biggest thing stopping him knocking up a shepherd's or cottage pie is his inability to use a potato peeler (hasn't been allowed).
He can strip a bed, sort socks, divide whites and coloureds, measure washing fluid, select a mix program. They need to learn wee bits all through life to make them properly capable for uni. Who wants to finish exams and do a crash course in life skills?

Mine did lots when they were 6.

My kids (boys and girls) all had to pitch in equally with all chores - washing, cooking, washing up, hoovering etc - as soon as they were old enough to do them. We had rotas for everything. I was a single parent of too many kids. By the time they went off to uni, they could run a house and did all domestic tasks as necessary without having to be asked.

When my eldest got married, my DiL came round to thank me for raising a man who did his fair share in the household. It never occurred to me until then that there was anything unusual about the way I raised them.

I actually blame schools. At the prime age for teaching they were piling so much homework etc onto Ds that by the time he was home, had maybe done an activity such as music and attempted to get through the homework load (which took twice as long due to processing issues) it was a case of me cooking tea whilst he did it all then he was in desperate need of some down time before bed.

I did stuff for him just to help him get through school in one piece.

Am amazed at the number of these posts who are clearly those who post on WIWIKAU.
I agree with you @RampantIvy , and the others who have actually brought up their teens with some pretty basic / normal skills.

My older 2 went to University before WIWIKAU was started, and both were amazed how many flatmates they came across that were incompetent. No additional needs, just no basic knowledge.

three/four years ago I didn’t actually think Ds would ever be able to hold down a job let alone actually go to university. So I think I’ve done a pretty good job of bringing up my kind, caring teen, thank you.

If they can get good A level grades they can work out how to use a washing machine or read the instructions on food packets. They’ll learn when they want to. Parents often think, or pretend to think, that their children are more inept than they really are. Even when the children have children of their own.

When I went to uni over 30 years ago it was the boys who were making proper meals for themselves - including roasts - and the girls were eating popcorn and beans from a tin and were generally less interested in eating well. I wasn’t particularly taught but picked it up when I became interested.

Oh dear. I seem to have ruffled a few feathers.

I get that some teenagers aren't interested but at least the parents tried, and I get that some students may struggle for one reason or another. I also get that some students come from backgrounds where these life skills aren't modelled but I am not referring to them.

I don't claim to be a fabulous parent either, but I just question why a parent wouldn't try and teach their young people basic life skills before they go and live independently.

I read a book in between my two DC that said the key is to allow them to help you as toddlers when they are keen, never rebuff them, and to invite them to do chores together with you, rather than alone. Hunt, Gather, Parent was the book.

My 2 year old can now genuinely help with stacking and unstacking the dishwasher, sorting and folding washing, tidying up a room together.

I wish I had known this before. The 6 yo is definitely more difficult to get involved now! I can only imagine how difficult it would be if you waited until teenage years to start. Perhaps it could still be done though. Maybe it's never too late! I think the book did say that.

But I totally understand that with little people they make the task longer at first so when we're all busy it's just natural to shoo them away and get on with it alone. Looks like I've unwittingly done a social experiment in my own home... I'll report back once the 2 of them turn 18!

To be fair to my son, he phoned me from the laundry in his halls yesterday to ask for advise and I wasn't much use as I couldn't figure out what the settings he was reading out meant either. Turns out he needed to download an app to pay and that than explained everything but it wasn't obvious. He's completely fine using the machine at home.
But being able to do stuff in your own home is a bit different to actually being fully responsible for yourself for the first time in a strange environment.
My daughter has always been an extremely capable individual and she had been cooking full meals at home since she was about 12, did very well in food tech for GCSE and had worked in a cafe before she went away. She still rang me with food prep questions and made a few silly mistakes in her first few weeks away. Getting used to a new environment and lifestyle and doing things independently is still stressful for many young people, even if they do have the basic skills. I guess it's a bit like starting to drive with nobody else in the car after you've passed your test- your "safety net" has gone and things that you've been confident about before don't seem quite so certain when you're alone. It's true there are youngsters who clearly have never done anything for themselves before (DD had a flatmate who didn't know you needed to put water in the pan with pasta) but I think a lot of the initial angst of student days is just the nerves and uncertainty of all the change and once they settle down, most are actually perfectly capable of looking after themselves.

It's not a new phenomenon - my 100 grandma encountered plenty of young women who upon joining the navy were incapable of doing basic household tasks. It is really sink, swim or find someone to do it for you!

It's not the lack of life skills but the lack of resilience that gets me on some of the WIWIKAU posts of both young adults AND parents.

@Karamna

Your 2 year old helping with the dishwasher sent a shiver down my spine.

Please tell me you put cutlery and knives in the dishwasher point down?

When I was working (cardiology department) we had a toddler come in who had been running round the kitchen and tripped landing on an upright knife.

Thankfully the child was OK, after visiting virtually every department for X-rays, scans, ultra sound the knife had missed every vital organ and no one could believe how lucky the child was.

It's not the only injury I've come across from knives pointed upwards.

OK that's off my chest.

Back to students.

I was in my 30s when I went to uni so completely capable of running a home.

I can't remember the title but at one uni I went to final year students could volunteer to be a sort of point of contact for newer students, on a rota and in return they got free accommodation.

They were there for things like students who have locked themselves out or the uni supplied kettle has stopped woking.

I got talking to one, I will refer to her as X.

X got a call at 11pm from a student who couldn't make his bed.

X explained that wasn't her job.

The student called back saying he had managed to get the sheet and quilt off the bed but couldn't get the new cover on.

X again says that it isn't his job, and adds that as it is half way through the term what has he done up to now.

His mother had initially set the bed up for him and until then his gf had been changing the bedding.

X got a final call at about 1 am asking, "Aren't you coming then?"

@sashh Don't worry, it's one of those machines where the cutlery lies flat in a tray at the top. We are always doing it together, and I remove anything sharp or delicate myself.