Students unprepared for university

[RampantIvy]

I have read such a lot of posts recently on the WIWIKAU Facebook page from parents who are proud of their DC's (usually son's) poor efforts at shopping and cooking and generally looking after themselves.

Why on earth aren't they teaching their DC to cook, go grocery shopping, use a washing machine, wash up and other life skills before they go to university?

@Kite22 - I wasn’t quoting the OP, I was criticising a specific post. However, frankly, nobody knows another person’s neurology - it’s not pasted on a person’s forehead and the OP was, therefore, passing judgement on people assumed to have no excuse.

My ds1 had to be taught how to roll over, how to get to sitting, how to crawl, and it went on from there - he would be taught how to do something and then, rather than building on from it naturally by himself, seem to need to be taught the next step. It took years of effort and pushing to ensure he could swim, ride a bike, drive a car, do up buttons, cook basic dishes, change his bedsheets, hoover his room, hang up the washing etc, and often against quite a lot of resistance and attempts at avoidance. He has never received a diagnosis that would explain this, and after the very early years of physiotherapy and occupational therapy, has received no external support or consideration for it, either in school or out. We have taught him enough he can cope pretty well with any situation, but even now I am constantly surprised by how he can still be stumped by the most patently simple physical task, even if said task is similar to something else he has done many times before. No doubt he will come across like someone who hasn’t had to do these things before, rather than someone who has been taught how to do these things, but can be stumped if expected to do them with different looking tools. He just shrugs it off by saying the tools or the things he is trying to manipulate are badly designed . Regardless, as his memory, concentration and organisational abilities are first rate, it is at the end of the day a pretty minor disability, in that there isn’t much he can’t do if he has the right person to teach him!

Without a diagnosis of anything and without external advice and support, I can see therefore why not all parents would keep pushing past the resistance and would resort to hoping or assuming their child will pick the relevant skills up eventually through necessity. Most university students do learn through experience, after all - they don’t starve, or stink due to a continued inability to operate a washing machine. Which then begs the question, therefore, why people on this thread feel the need to be patronising about it? Either you have a problem that wasn’t picked up earlier or, actually, you’ll be fine after a few weeks of ineptitude, so no need to be so critical of parents with neurotypical children.

God knows. My son learnt to cook all his favourite home made dishes before he left. I wrote out the recipes and he goes shopping for 3 days of meals at a time. He has an odd freezer meal but mainly cooks from scratch every evening. Very proud of him!

No but they finished them in June. My son was overseas for 5wks after that but still managed to teach him to cook his favourite meals

The very fact they're in that group suggests over-invested parents who do have always done everything for their kids. I couldn't believe what I read when I joined out of curiosity having seen comments about on here.
Last week, there was even a mum posting a tip about packing disposable sick bowls for her fresher daughter. Ffs!

To be fair I think there is always room for a support group for parents of DC in higher education @ATwirlADay. You only need to have a read of the higher education threads on here.

People of all ages have problems, not just young children.

I think this should be read before we think students should just be left to get on with things and cut loose from all support networks. Warning - sensitive subject.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/education-63075852

Sorry, wrong thread

That was on the news on the radio today @Piggywaspushed

Yes, I heard a little bit. I am not suggesting a relevance to your original post. I do think though that some who sneer a bit at anxious parents may not accept that sometimes parents know they are right to be anxious. And this idea that all students should stand on their own feet and any concerned parents are 'interfering ' or 'meddling' -as mentioned in the article- needs to be put to bed. There needs to be a balance. DS2's uni have asked him to name a contact so I was pleased by that.

I agree re the washing machines mentioned upthread. Are they specifically designed to bewilder ??!?

I absolutely agree and think that universities have a duty of care and should contact a named person if they had any concerns about about a student.

And this idea that all students should stand on their own feet and any concerned parents are 'interfering ' or 'meddling' -as mentioned in the article- needs to be put to bed. There needs to be a balance.

I absolutely agree with you @Piggywaspushed. I have had my anxious moments when DD has rung up in tears stressed about exams and health issues.

I should have added that even the most capable student has wobbles, and as a parent it is only natural to worry about your DC when this happens.

It's not hard to teach your kids basic housekeeping though is it?

I think that some parents still treat their teenagers like small children. They do all their cooking, washing, ironing and do any admin work they need. Then their kids leave home and can't do anything for themselves. Being honest if your a parent like this long term your doing no favour to your child or children. They have to know how to manage things in the real world. I know for some child that say are not neuro typical that learning and doin

Show them how to use a washing machine, sort out a wash and read clothes labels re washing. The same for an iron.
Get them making tea, toast at a young age and work from their. As they get older to showing them how to scramble an egg, make an omelette and cook dinners.

I know in some area's their is no public transport so you have kids not use to reading a bus or train timetable. Look up Google maps and see what bus stop is near their college accommodation. Look up this bus timetable and ask your child what time the bus/train starts and finishes. Ask them to look up how often it goes at different times of the day or at weekends and tell you this. This will help them in college when they don't have a car or driver

I know a couple with a few kids. From the time the kids were 3 they were shown how to put their plate in the dishwasher and within a few years they were shown and able to do a lot of things.
One of the lads by aged 11 was able to light a open fire, a stove and a range. He could use a washing machine and iron. He could make and cook a dinner. He could also make a sponge cake and buns.

His older brother could do the same and found that moving away from home for college was easy because he could look after himself. The only thing he had to get use to was reading a bus timetable and figuring out which bus went where and how often X bus went compared to y bus. In fairness this was because he grew up in a rural area with no public transport.

I know a lady who is still doing everything for her child of 22. I told her that he should be looking up the bus times and figuring out how to get from A to B when he has to go places in our nearest city. At the same time he is just happy to stay at home and in a job that going no where. In reality he should be in college and working towards a degree that would lead to a good job. He should be meeting new people, going places and having a far better life than he currently has. He is very immature for a man of his age because his mammy does everything is him.
I can still see him living at home in his early 30's because he won't be able to afford his own apartment or house. Also most of the woman I know around his age are in college and will get good jobs. Long term they want men who have decent jobs so they can buy homes together, have kids and marriage in time. They are not willing to do everything like his mammy does or baby them either.

My ds1 lives like a pig, but even he changes his bedclothes when it’s been a while. He’s 15, he can cook a pizza and a pot noodle, scramble some eggs and hoover / mow a lawn.
trying to get him to do much more is like pulling the teeth that will rot out of his head through neglect, soon enough he will learn to fend for himself, hopefully by the time he’s off to college or uni 😆

It’s quite a big leap to suggest that by helping children to be independent for university you’re not going to be there with help and advice going forward.

It’s quite a big leap to suggest that parents who are proud of their dcs’ poor efforts at shopping, cooking, etc, have never made any effort to teach these skills to their children. Somehow it doesn’t stop people indulging in the pleasure of being judgemental, though, does it? There’s nothing like ignorant superiority.

I do agree. Though again one may feel they have demonstrated what it takes to take care of themselves but it hadn't quite sunk in!
I don't iron but my son learned at 14 through CCF, he also taught himself to cook (I do cook but he put himself on a strict regime). His first job at 16 was KP do that taught him all about keeping a kitchen up to scratch (my efforts went in one ear out the other). And he always seemed to know how to d laundry (not exactly hard), with only one or two shrunken accidents (and I'm to blame for all his school shirts turning pink)!
But it's all that life admin that they don't know you do - getting their bus pass, registering at a GP, booking dentist appointments, dealing with utility bills, meal planning. That they just need to know that they have to do it , which can come as a surprise!

Are we really competing over whose kids are the most capable when it comes to basic life skills? I feel like I’m back at playgroup with my babies, feeling insecure about what milestones they haven’t achieved. Mine were always behind.

We all get there in the end don’t we? And yeah some are always going to be better at stuff than others.

I've tried since mine (4 of them) were small to get them to pitch in and show them how things are done. Sometimes they’re interested and willing to try/learn and other times not. They’re all teens now - it’s often a battle to get them to do stuff and some days I don’t want those battles.

I don’t worry about how they will survive without me once they leave for university or whatever. They’ll pick up skills as they go if they haven’t already by the time they leave me.

That wasn't my intention @nobird. At least you tried. It was about parents who don't. You can lead a horse to water etc.

This.
It wasn’t about the children- it was about the parents who did everything for them.

I did teach mine. But many universities are much more full on these days with having to be independent. When I went Halls were fully catered during the week and we only had to fend for ourselves at weekends regarding food or eat out/get takeaway. Now most Halls are fully self catered. And cooking in an unfamiliar shared kitchen when you have just moved in to somewhere miles away from home with lots of strangers is actually quite daunting. On move in day there was all the IT to set up, unpacking to do, admin, keys to collect and shopping - pretty exhausting. Washing wise, I remember we washed our small in the sink and dried on radiators in our room, one hall I stayed in actually had a drying room. Now they cannot use airers because of worries about damp. I managed to get away with wiping clothes down and spot washing them so just took the majority of my washing home at the end of term. Everyone now has to use the laundrette (and install an app to do this). Bedding in Halls when I attended was provided and laundered now they provide and wash their own. It's just a lot to get to grips with. Cooking, cleaning and washing at home is just not the same.

I think if an adult struggles to do this then it’s nothing about the parent and the person will have additional needs.

I think if an adult struggles to do this then it’s nothing about the parent and the person will have additional needs.

The student in question I am thinking of has no additional needs. She just had no idea because everything was done for her at home. DD shared with this girl in years 1, 2 and 3, and she was the laziest when it came to cleaning up after herself.