Students unprepared for university

[RampantIvy]

I have read such a lot of posts recently on the WIWIKAU Facebook page from parents who are proud of their DC's (usually son's) poor efforts at shopping and cooking and generally looking after themselves.

Why on earth aren't they teaching their DC to cook, go grocery shopping, use a washing machine, wash up and other life skills before they go to university?

“Absolutely. I've seen it at school, eating disorders, fear of the unknown, social anxiety.

We absolutely need to factor in that mentally, these 18 year olds are 16.

Our first year secondary kids, for the last two intakes have been like primary kids. They don't seem 11, they seem about 8.

There are more dropping out in the first few weeks of university than ever before, and it's not surprising.”

and

“I'm a lecturer and I've come around to being very sympathetic to my students last year and this year being immature for their ages. They effectively spent two years in their rooms rather than out in the world, and I think it's understandable that they're not quite where they should be. They'll get there.”

Actually really moved by these posts, recognising the issues. Why must everything be a competition? Where is our humanity?

But they forget what you've shown them if they're too young. We did all kinds of things with DS when he was young such as baking, etc., but he wasn't remotely interested in doing anything as a teenager and then completely forgot everything by the time he went to Uni. If you don't keep up with it throughout (which needs a compliant child!), you really can't expect them to remember things they did a decade ago.

God, you are so right on this! There was a poor first year living in virtual squalor and parent posted for advice and was basically told that it was character building and 'not the Hilton' . For 6k pa rent...

Moving away from home - no matter how self sufficient you believe your children are- is very disorientating, stressful and overwhelming. WIWIKAU and MN are two places for parents to share their own feelings . Don't approve, scroll on by.

Only thinking of my own dc, who mixed with all years on their sports teams and at CU and at 'sbuject' society and so forth.
Fair point, but had they made those kind of links before they were faced with figuring out the laundry first time? Most of the second and above years at my DS's University didn't return until this weekend as lectures only began today, but most first years have been there over a week. Societies and sports teams have mostly not even started yet. DS did go to a society taster session one evening last week but the other attendees were fellow freshers, plus the committee. He certainly didn't get to know anyone well enough in that hour or two to call them for help with his domestic trivia. And thankfully he's not left his washing festering until he's made friends that he can ask.
I think we need to remember that it is very early days for most of these young people, and that even those who are seemingly a bit pathetic right now will probably be quite self sufficient by the end of the month.
Yes, you get the odd one who never improves (my DD had a flatmate in 1st year whose mother had frozen meals couriered from home every week for the entire year, and probably beyond) but most will get to grips with things fairly quickly even if they're panicking over basic stuff in Freshers' Week.

But stood facing an unfamiliar task at a time when he is feeling a bit lonely and unhappy as it is he probably thought "I could use a chat with Mum about this".

There is nothing wrong with this. As I said, DD was competent with life skills but she had and still has wobbles even at 22. She messaged yesterday about the TV licence website, which IMO is a little confusing.

I agree with both of your points @aesopstables

Then you see posts like the unpleasant one on WIWIKAU with smug mother (if she's on here, good, I don't care) having a pop because some poor kid didn't know how to use a microwave whilst her PFB was knocking up MasterChef style dinners

I saw that one. I can categorically state that it wasn’t me. I wouldn’t be surprised if it had been deleted by now. Although, I felt that some of the smuggery on that thread was from people who didn’t own a microwave because they felt that they were beneath them.

Nobody is talking about being a "fabulous parent". People are talking about raising a child with pretty basic level of skills here. How can you have got to 18 without ever having used a kitchen? We are not talking about people who haven't had parents to look after them here - remember, this thread is asking about the over invested parents, not the neglectful ones.

the “fabulous parent” comment was a little on the defensive side, wasn’t it.

Some of The replies on here explain why student accommodation is often left in such a disgusting mess at the end of their tenancies. They then complain bitterly when the landlords deduct the cost of the clean from their deposits. .

But we are talking about THIS year. Posts over the last few weeks and months.

My dd was playing her sport all through 2021/22. Also going to lectures. It was from March 2020 everything shut down, and then big limitations on things during 20 / 21 academic year.

I think WIWIKAU at this time of year is just all a bit manic. It's like actually being at uni when everyone goes around finding out each other's A level results and engages in competitive vomiting.

It does die down.

Some unis are still doing online lectures for some modules and in some unis,the full range of clubs & societies hasn’t returned to pre covid levels.

Yes, I feel that some universities seem to be taking the proverbial. I think there are a lot of disillusioned students sitting at their desks in their halls thinking "why did I bother?"

Start them young. On the primary school residential DS had to show the others how to put on a duvet cover. No-one else in his dormitory had ever done it before. I remember sitting gobsmacked listening to parents talking about making packed lunches, including cutting up the apples into wedges, for P7s. At that age they should be making their own.
The summer before uni we stopped doing washing/ ironing for them and they had the option whether they were going to join us for evening meals. They were welcome to take stuff out the freezer but if they wanted anything else they had to buy it themselves from holiday job money.
One is interested in cooking now, the other isn’t but gets by.

The lockdown thing is interesting- being at home was a good opportunity to learn some life skills on the domestic front.

I saw a job advertisement a few weeks ago. A reasonably local firm looking for youngsters with good A levels to do a degree whilst working for them. Salary £30k. Exactly the sphere my DS wants to go into. It did make me wonder why on earth we encouraged him to go University and build up substantial debt instead. I really hope the "life experience" side of things proves to be worth it.

Ah yes, the paradise of being home all day baking with mummy and jumping up and down with Joe <never one to miss an opportunity for a bit of self-publicity > Wickes.

All very nice if you weren't actually still working full time and had decided that Junior was going to bake cookies instead of log on for a lesson.

@RampantIvy I want implying SmugMother was you, sorry if it came across like that!

It dont think it matters that much . They learn eventually when they have to and if they get stuck you can help then. As someone else said, if they don’t already have the skills, they can pick it up sharpish. I’m choosing to see the process as character building 😁
One of mine picked up cooking by just being in the kitchen a lot whilst I cooked. They just paid attention.. No effort on my part. Another had no interest in life skills and continues to have none despite being shown . They still managed to eat , etc when they left home. Some are receptive.. and some don’t want to learn it.
All families have circumstances that are different and sometimes there just isn’t enough time to do it all as a parent. I’m mostly exhausted by the never ending task of it along with everything else . I’m therefore very happy to cut any fellow struggling /less than perfect parents some slack . 😀

Start them off with an 'Iceland roast' - basically get Iceland to deliver a cook from frozen joint, roast potatoes and Yorkshire pubs.

Add a bag of frozen veg and frozen cauliflower cheese.

You could have it delivered while you are at work with instructions to cook for when you come home.

Then get them making one bit from scratch, then two.

Nah, it's just a way of people to go on about how they "parented" so perfectly.

And kids learn things when they have to. They are not all compliant people pleasers who will learn to bake a cake when they are 4 and it's not worth having constant battles when they'll learn when they have to. Also, many parents aren't domestic god(esses) either, so they only show the basics. Someone wrote above that "parenting" involves teaching your child to iron. As if it's worth wasting time on that! My ds will learn to iron shirts for work if and when he needs to! Why would he need to know as a student?

I remember sitting gobsmacked listening to parents talking about making packed lunches, including cutting up the apples into wedges, for P7s. At that age they should be making their own

You are going to be absolutely HORRIFIED but my DH makes a packed lunch for me! And I am considerably older than the kids in P7!

“should be making their own”

says who? Why compare how you parent with someone else? It’s not a competition.

Nah, it's just a way of people to go on about how they "parented" so perfectly.

TBH expecting an NT student with no other issues to know how to boil a kettle or know that you are supposed to remove packaging from a pizza before you put it in the oven isn't exactly "perfect parenting", so I'm not sure why this would elicit some of the snarky and defensive responses on here. It's just basic common sense.

Even DC of parents who don't cook must have seen a ready meal being shoved into the microwave or a pizza being removed from its packaging to heat up? Have these DC never seen the inside of a kitchen before? Disclaimer I'm not talking about students who come from dysfunctional backgrounds.

IMO, being able to rustle up a gourmet three course meal, iron clothes perfectly, keep the bedroom and kitchen areas clean and tidy is what I might consider "perfect parenting"

Dd was taught in early primary how to use a toaster and kettle. Also about electricity and plugs. She baked from young as it was an extension of her mixing potions habit, but was resistant to learning it from me. She has since taught herself to cook really well from TikTok and YouTube. She's in her late teens and I need her to learn ironing and laundry next, I've resisted as our iron is crap and I can't afford to replace damaged clothes, and prefer to do all the washing at once and know she'll fanny about washing one item that she desperately needs for next day. But she can clean and tidy and is learning to drive. She can sew too, also learnt from books and the internet. Anything else she'll probably learn from TikTok!
What she is poor at is dealing with situations outside of the house, making appointments travelling solo etc and that's the result of two years stuck in her bedroom.

My children were older teens so it’s obviously not the same as having younger children .
We’re talking about getting young adults ready for university, not baking with mummy or leaping about the room together.

It’s not about perfect parenting. Our job is to send them out into the world as young adults able to look after themselves.
I’m afraid I stand by my view that a p7/year6 should be able to make a packed lunch.

TBH expecting an NT student with no other issues to know how to boil a kettle or know that you are supposed to remove packaging from a pizza before you put it in the oven isn't exactly "perfect parenting", so I'm not sure why this would elicit some of the snarky and defensive responses on here. It's just basic common sense.

Quite

IMO, being able to rustle up a gourmet three course meal, iron clothes perfectly, keep the bedroom and kitchen areas clean and tidy is what I might consider "perfect parenting"

"Being able to" and "doing" are 2 completely different thing, IME.
I don't iron, but mine had to learn to iron when in cubs (so 8 - 10 yrs) for one of their badges. We don't iron, as a household though, except possible for job interviews, weddings, and - funnily enough - Queen's Scout Parades
All have mine have gone through the years of having pits for bedrooms, but they still can cook / shop / use a bit of common sense.

If that makes me a perfect parent, I'm somewhat surprised, but will take the credit if people want to think that.