Lecturer's child at open day for second time

[Igloo71]

I went with DS to our local uni's open day over the summer. The head of department had their child there (with, I assumed, dad helping out in the background - the little girl was running back and forth to a man who seemed to be a parent). She was interrupting throughout the event, but no issues at all, I assumed it was an emergency childcare situation. DS and I laughed about it afterwards and we both had completely forgotten about it until this morning.

He's now at the offer holder event and the child is there again. He's texting me to say it's completely embarrassing as she is talking to them about her department and the child is interrupting constantly, every 5 minutes at least. She is stopping her talk to speak with the child and my DS is just embarrassed on her behalf.

DS is adamant he will never go to this uni now when it had once been his top choice. I'm left wondering if this is the norm at uni's? I've got no idea if DS should be more flexible with his outlook, he's no idea what it's like being a working mum. But equally, she's got possible childcare on site from the uni students.

This isn't a Russell Group uni, but definitely a highly regarded uni and his offer is relatively high (ABB). What do we think?

This is simply untrue. Universities are businesses and students are customers. You might not like it. Nor do I. But it is indisputably the case.

My university would certainly be disputing it we have frequent conversations on how students are not customers.

Op I’m on a very low income, minimum wage and my dd gets the full entitlement, she works only in the holidays to supplement her income but I don’t help her out financially, I can’t as I have other children and I’m now a single parent. I take her shopping when I see her, and slip her a tenner now and again. She manages just fine but then she’s very careful with her money.. so I don’t get why you would need to support him so much financially

But that’s off topic, like others have suggested, talk to the uni and discuss the matter with them. No lecture that my daughter has ever attended at uni has had a child present within it and hers isn’t a Russel group uni either

I disagree with most. I think OP's ds had every right to be put off. I think she's very unprofessional. Twice?

I was going to give a paper at a conference this summer with my 4 year old in tow but I guess that would be unprofessional.

I'm going to one this year with my 5 year old and as my "customers" there are other scientists and not students, they won't care

If this is his local uni and he is planning to stay at home - you said he'd be continuing some caring responsibilities - I wonder whether actually he wants to leave home and go to uni elsewhere, and this is a way of justifying it to himself and you?

I'm always heave a deep sigh when people go to their local uni, largely because it means they haven't really thought it through or made a properly considered decision. It would be a huge coincidence if everyone's local uni was the best for their subject and grades wouldn't it?

Academics are not paid to do Open Days, why should she pay for childcare as well as giving up her Saturday?

To say again, he never said unprofessional. That’s other posters rewording my posts.

He’s never had a teacher’s child in his school lessons. Yes he assumed it was a childcare issue for a second time. He knows exactly how much women struggle, he’s seen it first hand. But he’s not a sheep either and his reaction was not to diss the lecturer like those around him, it was more he questioned is this it?

@Oblomov22, or maybe she was trying to show the young women embarking on their university degrees that you can have children and also a career? That you don't have to forgo one for the other?

Many of them are probably the first in their families to go to university too, and many will come from cultures where women expect that motherhood will play a large part in their lives?

I was going to give a paper at a conference this summer with my 4 year old in tow but I guess that would be unprofessional.
Yes it would, especially if it's planned months ahead.

OP I think you have been very unfairly judged and the chips are on the shoulders of the academics on here. I hope your DS can move past this and choose the right place for himself.

It would be more surprising if a 17 year old had any clue about childcare.
Everyone understands that the fees are paid for by loans but the fact remains that it costs £27k+ for the average three year course. Not to mention accommodation and living expenses.

Going to uni is something which has been nurtured by his teacher actually

Then he should talk all this through with his teacher.

I'd actually have a lot of respect for a university being so child-friendly. I was going to give a paper at a conference this summer with my 4 year old in tow but I guess that would be unprofessional.

I've not kept up with the rest of the thread, but this caught my eye - can you check and see if the organizers are ok with it? I've found people have really changed their views on this during the pandemic. Since the pandemic I've done several papers with DD in the room (and have seen others do the same), and now we're getting back to in-person conferences several people have said it would be fine to have children in the audience, we've all got used to it.

It’s a bit confusing all of this. So there’s a lecturer with a child at an intro event at a weekend and your son decides the whole university is not worth attending. What does he think is going to happen? Maybe the child will be in lectures too? I sometimes get cross with my adult children about things, but my son would not have even commented on this and I’m very proud of him. Maybe the lecturer is having a tough time or in a crap divorce. Things that shouldn’t be evident in a professional place but maybe got caught out. Honestly I would be disappointed if a child of mine said anything like this in this situation.

@Igloo71, that's backtracking on your part.

He was 'embarrassed' for this woman.

Because of what he saw at the open house and the Informational session he wants to have nothing to do with his first choice university.

That's not merely 'questioning'.

My university would certainly be disputing it hmm we have frequent conversations on how students are not customers.
They certainly haven't been treated like customers recently. Many haveing paid £1000s out for accommodation and fees only to have regurgitated online lectures and no actual FTF tuition.

I think there are two conversations on here - whether the lecturer (professor probably) was unprofessional to bring her child - which I would say was not ideal but perfectly understandable.

And your DS's reaction which is unduly strong. Why was his initial reaction "so unprofessional I don't want to go to that university" and not "highly qualified person working hard"? That's what I would be seeking to address with him, regardless of his background.

@Igloo71

over £9000 per year, we are not wealthy and I'm a single parent. I want to make sure my DS gets good value for money. Does that make him selfish? I guess it does, but he's a consumer so maybe that gives him a right to?

Don't think he's actually paid them yet though has he? And, he's paying for an education not for the offer day. Often academic staff put in hours outside of what's contracted and in family time. Not sure if your son has unrealistic expectations or is a bit self entitled. He has a "right" as a consumer once he's paid for the service.

Interesting points being raised now. Is it the role of the university to model those practices? A bit like PSHE? I thought it was just about input for the course

I was going to give a paper at a conference this summer with my 4 year old in tow but I guess that would be unprofessional.

@MissAngorian what do you mean by this though? Do you mean taking your 4 year-old to the conference and having him/her with you when you are not speaking? Or do you literally mean having the child next to you, as you speak, interrupting? Surely it can’t be the latter?

@BirdOnTheWire, this is a 17 year old whose own mother has struggled.

How could he have missed the fact that providing care for a child means you don't get paid or get to take advantage of advancement opportunities?

My DS wasn't put off university because of a small child at open day but he was by his contemporaries being accompanied by mummy and daddy to open days. Something he felt was inappropriate for young adults going to higher education. He thought being dropped off, yes, but not going round with them. He would have understood a staff member who didn't have childcare but not young adults who needed handholding.

This started out as seeing this lecturer with her child on 2 separate occasions, laughing about it the first time and the second time being adamant that he will not go to this uni that was his top choice into second hand embarrassment that some other people, whom he does not know and who may not chose this uni, eyerolling and sighing.
Why are you asking in your OP if this is normal and if he should be more flexible and have more empathy for working mothers if it’s all about bigger boys sighing? Is it about working mothers or other people sighing? Is it about him being inflexible or him being embarrassed? Personally I think making a choice on being embarrassed by sighs from other offer holders who may not go there is a little reactionary.

He never said unprofessional!!!

It was the whole situation he found embarrassing and awkward. Yes he was disappointed I guess. He’s 17, witnessed other kids behave inappropriately and felt, in his words, second hand embarrassment. That was probably the only thing he could do, other than stop the lecture and publically call out the other kids there which some people think he should have done

And how would this have gone down were this happening at an Oxbridge college? Am thinking people wouldn’t be quite so sympathetic.

We laughed the first time because it was funny, she was answering some of the questions

And it was no big deal as I said.