Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

Original poster

So worried about DS friendless and isolated at uni

139 replies

Labobo · 19/11/2020 20:45

DS is having a really hard time as a fresher at a London uni. Due to Covid, his flatmates vanished within the first two weeks, so he has lived alone ever since.

He says that three different friendship groups have dropped him. He was in WhatsApp groups that went silent and then discovered that new groups had been set up without him.

He has HFA but masks it pretty well. He comes over as a bit serious and quirky rather than autistic. He has made huge efforts - he has baked birthday cakes for people, bought them birthday presents, held a dinner party. But in return people refuse to even go out for a walk with him. He's now spent six days without a single human interaction. Every suggestion he's made to meet up has been ignored or rejected. When he admitted to someone he thought he got on with that he was alone in a flat and had spoken to no one for days and felt lonely, she just responded with a sad face and left the conversation.

I feel sick with sadness for him. He is a lovely boy. He is very funny and kind and has loads of interests. He just wants to be able to hang out in a group - he's not demanding or attention seeking. He feels like there is something wrong with him and I can't persuade him otherwise. He refuses to come home and hangs on in hope that someone might agree to go for a walk with him.

Uni has said he can bubble with another flat but he doesn't know anyone well enough. He says even if he did bubble he'd still have to be invited into the flat and can't see that happening. They don't seem to care at all about his well being.

What can he do to turn this around, and what can I do to help him?

OP posts:
harridan50 · 19/11/2020 20:52

I would suggest he moves flats to be with other people even if he does not know them. Keep in touch with him. Really difficult times. Try and focus on joining in are there any clubs he can participate in even on line

harridan50 · 19/11/2020 20:53

The uni really should be supporting him

Tenpastseven · 19/11/2020 20:53

Oh my goodness. My heart is breaking fit the both of you. That’s so very tough. Can he make contact with old friends just to chat to? Is there a society he could join where he’s likely to find other freshers with similar interests and without the ‘pressure’ to make friends?

Tenpastseven · 19/11/2020 20:54

*for the both

CurlyhairedAssassin · 19/11/2020 20:56

Do boys at uni normally bake birthday cakes for each other, or even buy a birthday present? The ones I knew at uni would just have bought the birthday boy a pint or two. Could he be coming across as trying too hard?

Calcifer12 · 19/11/2020 20:57

Bless him, that's so sad. What are his hobbies? Are there any virtual/online social groups?

Lookatthat · 19/11/2020 21:00

This has made me so sad to read, I really feel for the both of you.
Depending on which London uni, do they have any halls available that he could move in to?
Has he found any societies that he can join to meet others with similar interests?
The first year can be really tough, especially if you don’t have good flatmates (or any in his case).
He sounds like a lovely boy who is making so much effort.

Wowzel · 19/11/2020 21:00

Which uni is he at?

Original poster
Labobo · 19/11/2020 21:01

Thank you. I suggested moving flats and maybe he will but he is nervous as in his first week he met a few people who took a lot of drugs and he's scared of being placed in a group like that.

No societies are functioning. He had a list of ten that he was really looking forward to getting involved with but they have all 'gone online' which he says means there are message boards which no one admins and no one posts on. They are all dead.

I agree the uni should be supporting him but in the end all he wants is for people to say, 'let's go for a walk' or 'do you want to watch a film and share a pizza?' He doesn't want loads of adult intervention.

OP posts:
CurlyhairedAssassin · 19/11/2020 21:01

Awful, though, if he can't feel he can be "himself". I think it's a maturity thing at that age. Lots of young people don't see beyond what they perceive to be the "norm". They are looking for others exactly like them, so if they perceive anyone to be slightly quirky or different they often pull back, believing that person isn't part of their "tribe".

I love young people with ASD, they are so damned interesting and funny. I love that they are a little bit quirky. But I say this as a middle-aged woman with lots of experience of many different types of young people. I do think that uni is hard for some with ASD. They do need to find like-minded people. Find their fellow nerds! Grin

TheYearOfSmallThings · 19/11/2020 21:01

I agree with the suggestions to move into a flat with others (if he's in Uni accommodation I hope they would facilitate this), and also to stay in frequent contact with his pre-Uni friends.

That first term always has pitfalls as people rush to form friendships - this year is especially brutal. He is not the only one finding this by a long shot, and it's a shame he's not being better supported.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 19/11/2020 21:03

Ah it's so hard if lots of the usual society activities just aren't happening. Poor poor young people.....they have it so hard just now... Sad

Original poster
Labobo · 19/11/2020 21:03

@CurlyhairedAssassin - yes I think that is definitely part of the problem. He is trying too hard. I mean, they all decided to bake cakes for each other and sort out presents. They all seemed to be supporting each other due to 2nd tier and lockdown and I think he was enthusiastic about it but probably did come across as a bit keen.

OP posts:
LaValliere · 19/11/2020 21:04

Oh how awful. Can you speak to the university admin & say that for mental health reasons he urgently has to be allocated (ie moved to) another flat with people actually living in it?
Obviously a boy of his age can’t be alone like that. He needs to live with others. It’s dreadful & by leaving him in this position I think the university are grossly failing in their pastoral duty.
I’d kick up a lot of fuss - and would use the HFA in that I would tell them that not moving a person with his MH issues amounts to indirect disability discrimination.
Your poor boy.

lovelemoncurd · 19/11/2020 21:04

Can he join societies at the uni? They have societies for everything. He should be able to talk to his personal supervisor and access the open door( counselling and isolation) team for support.

marthastew · 19/11/2020 21:05

What about his course? Does he have a tutor group that he could get to know people in?

The first year at uni is brutal if you are a bit different.

mollscroll · 19/11/2020 21:09

Poor lad. Life is so tough at the moment and anyone would struggle with this. My DS (only 11) just got ghosted by his friends at school - I’d be devastated at 52. Likewise it would be so hard for anyone to be alone for that length of time. It’s not really necessarily just about him - it just is a shit time. So don’t let him turn this into a commentary on his suitability for friendships - it might also just be dreadful circs. I feel for them all and for you. It’s horrible.

Izzidigne · 19/11/2020 21:10

My son was pretty unhappy in his first year. He just didn't find his people. This year he has returned to halls rather than sharing a house and his flatmates are quieter and more like him. He is loving it. Maybe people in the first year are too hyped up with getting into a super popular group (possibly added to by the pressure of moving into a house for second year). I don't have any suggestions except maybe accept this year might not work out and maybe he should come home (keep the option of moving into another flat open and go back if that comes off) but mental health is more important and this year it just is so much more complicated and difficult than other years. Also I imagine London universities are more likely to have people who are very ambitious and maybe ambitious socially too.

Original poster
Labobo · 19/11/2020 21:11

@marthastew - the ones avoiding him are the people in his tutor group. Sad He's been getting very high marks. I wonder if they think he's just too intense generally - about his course and life.

OP posts:
Original poster
Labobo · 19/11/2020 21:15

@Izzidigne - that story about your son is so encouraging. He's already worried about who to share with next year as they have to book a house so early to secure it.

OP posts:
marthastew · 19/11/2020 21:15

I'm sorry. That's awful. I never really made friends at university and it was hard. When lockdown ends could he find a local group relating to any hobbies he has?

Lookatthat · 19/11/2020 21:19

That’s really tough that the societies aren’t running. Lots of careers events are running virtually - could he sign up to some of these to meet others this way? I also wonder if he could meet people outside of his uni given he’s in London - maybe local meet up groups?

WitchesGlove · 19/11/2020 21:25

Did he have friends before he went to uni?

WitchesGlove · 19/11/2020 21:32

One thing that helped me when I was lonely at uni was working in a part-time job and also doing volunteer work.

I appreciate though, there aren’t a lot of jobs at the moment, and probably not the same volunteering opportunities. In London though- it will be better than anywhere.

Try and encourage him to exercise to help with mood- going for a run, cycle etc. A chat with the GP would be good if feeling depressed.

Are there any groups for autistic people that he could look in to?

Lockdown is not meant to be for that much longer anyway.

I wouldn’t advise him to leave if he enjoys his course and is doing well. Would it be possible for him to transfer to near home next year if he’s still unhappy?

Warmworm · 19/11/2020 21:45

There’s a Facebook page called What I Wish I Knew About University (WIWIKAU) for parents of freshers. There’s also a web forum that’s sprung from it. They have a “friendship beacon” thread where they try to link lonely students with other lonely (or just willing and friendly) students. Worth a try?

He sounds lovely btw, just unlucky.