So worried about DS friendless and isolated at uni

[Labobo]

DS is having a really hard time as a fresher at a London uni. Due to Covid, his flatmates vanished within the first two weeks, so he has lived alone ever since.

He says that three different friendship groups have dropped him. He was in WhatsApp groups that went silent and then discovered that new groups had been set up without him.

He has HFA but masks it pretty well. He comes over as a bit serious and quirky rather than autistic. He has made huge efforts - he has baked birthday cakes for people, bought them birthday presents, held a dinner party. But in return people refuse to even go out for a walk with him. He's now spent six days without a single human interaction. Every suggestion he's made to meet up has been ignored or rejected. When he admitted to someone he thought he got on with that he was alone in a flat and had spoken to no one for days and felt lonely, she just responded with a sad face and left the conversation.

I feel sick with sadness for him. He is a lovely boy. He is very funny and kind and has loads of interests. He just wants to be able to hang out in a group - he's not demanding or attention seeking. He feels like there is something wrong with him and I can't persuade him otherwise. He refuses to come home and hangs on in hope that someone might agree to go for a walk with him.

Uni has said he can bubble with another flat but he doesn't know anyone well enough. He says even if he did bubble he'd still have to be invited into the flat and can't see that happening. They don't seem to care at all about his well being.

What can he do to turn this around, and what can I do to help him?

Great that you could meet up with him. I admire his determination to stick it out and keep trying with the social side, rather than coming home early.
I suspect he's more resilient than you think and he believes things will improve?

I'm sure there are uni students everywhere feeling like your son. It's tough for them. I struggled to make friends in my first year of university (years ago) and didn't confide in my family. I put on a happy front and pretended I was having a brilliant time so they didn't worry.

I think it's great that your son can open up to you as he does

Labobo - my DS went to Royal Holloway which is part of the University of London, but thinking about it, is actually in Surrey. The staff member running the social club would often organise an activity for them to join in if they wished, nothing too elaborate - a quiz, a bake off when students bring in home cooked cakes/biscuits to taste etc.
I am sure your DS will make friends and they will be very lucky people, my DS friends that are also on the spectrum have proven to be extremely supportive, thoughtful and loyal friends.

my DS friends that are also on the spectrum have proven to be extremely supportive, thoughtful and loyal friends.

Autistic people so often are! It's what I love most about my DH and one of my closest friends, both on the spectrum.

@SmileyClare - you are right, He is resilient. And it has paid off. He's meeting up with some people tonight at their invite and two people have texted to say they didn't mean to ignore him this week, they were just busy and want to see him, so I hope this weekend looks up for him. He still lives alone, which isn't good, and he's not keen on switching flats (classic ASD resistance to change, even for the better) but with any luck the vaccine will allow normal life to resume and then he'll be involved in clubs and societies and going to the bar and the gym and won't feel quite so isolated.

Thank you all for your incredibly kind concern and advice. MN at its best.

I’m absolutely delighted that it sounds as though things are turning around for your DS. My DS had a difficult time in his first term but now, in his second year, he loves it so much he’s hoping to follow his degree with a Masters! There is nothing more heartbreaking than knowing one of your children is suffering or struggling and feeling powerless to help. What a lovely and kind thread. I hope you all have a great weekend.💐

Well last night was not a great success. He hung around from 4pm to 10pm waiting to be told what was happening. When he turned up only three other people came and were preoccupied on their phones. They played cards for a couple of hours then he went home. There was a big party going on nearby. (Again, I know they shouldn't be partying but none of them have been anywhere for two weeks, so they are pretty safe.) Not sure why these days they don't just cheekily show their faces at a big party and see if they can join in. I'm sure that's how freshers used to meet. Parties were quite free for all.

Today DH is going to meet up with him. I am just hoping that next term is back to normal and he can meet more people who he genuinely clicks with.

Many sympathies to you and ds, this sounds so difficult for you. Starting university can be difficult at the best of times. But last night doesn't sound wholly negative:

The waiting around for the text saying what's happening does seem to be normal these days - i would find it so stressful, but it might help ds to know it's not him, just the way people organise social things these days.

And I wouldn't think of the outcome as a total lack of success socially - everyone is always preoccupied on their phones these days (a bit maddening, but we have to roll with it), and friendships may be growing more slowly in these strange times, so this is maybe one step towards a closer friendship? I think one thing to bear in mind is that whereas normally at university friendships may develop pretty fast compared with real life, in lockdown/quasi lockdown it may be taking longer. (Doesn't help I admit when other flats seem immediately to develop into the St Elmos Fire gang! - but there will be lots of other people in ds' position as well, just not visible to him)

Hope this post is not too Pollyanna ish - it must be awful for you hearing about it all from afar, so difficult.

Hi. I haven't read the whole thread so apoif this has been mentioned.

Can you support your son to get in touch with disability services? He might be eligible for the disabled students allowance which can fund a mentor for him. I worked as a mentor and spent a lot of my time supporting students with ASD in finding structured socialization opportunities, signposting and even accompanying students to support groups, practicing how to initiate conversation etc.

A mentor can be incredibly helpful. The disability services will have advice and guidance and they should be made aware of your son's circumstances as its really not ok.

I hope it gets easier for him soon.

Great that your dh can be there.

I can see why ds would be wary of moving to a druggy flat, but would it be worth suggesting that he at least talk to accommodation about the options, as that might help clarify his thinking? If they have any spaces in designated 'quiet' flats, that might reassure him that he won't be put in with the all-out partyers (of course then the flatmates may turn out to be too quiet, but may be worth a try?! )

I think someone else on the thread mentioned WIWIKAU which is a Facebook group. I have seen many others reaching out with similar problems and really good outcomes - linking up with other likeminded students -definitely worth a try.
He sounds like a lovely young man and hopefully there is light at the end of the tunnel with the vaccine, meaning life can get more normal soon, with clubs and societies etc.

This is heartbreaking OP.

Part of the difficulty, I think, is that they are not in the faculty buildings making friends with others on their course. Because shared interests tend to support friendships more than random groupings in hall.

Also the London Unis are so hard for this because course-mates tend to be v spread out geographically.

Does he have an online tutor group? Can he link to others doing his course? I hate to generalise but if he is HFA with a strong interest in maths / physics those with a similar outlook tent to be the right tribe.

So, so hard for this cohort ☹️

@CurlyhairedAssassin

Do boys at uni normally bake birthday cakes for each other, or even buy a birthday present? The ones I knew at uni would just have bought the birthday boy a pint or two. Could he be coming across as trying too hard?

Bit hard to buy someone a pint at the moment @Labobo bubbling with another flat or moving in after the christmas break sounds like a good idea.

Can you support your son to get in touch with disability services? He might be eligible for the disabled students allowance which can fund a mentor for him. I worked as a mentor and spent a lot of my time supporting students with ASD in finding structured socialization opportunities, signposting and even accompanying students to support groups, practicing how to initiate conversation etc.

He already has this. But despite repeated promptings to get in touch with them before term started, he waited until he was feeling lonely, so he;s only had two sessions so far - both on Zoom. He did say they were helpful but in the second session he was feeling very low and admitted he didn;t really take in anything she said, but at least he felt he could speak to her. He liked her. That's a start.

As pp have said, there will of course be loads of people in his position, probably in the same halls as him, but he doesn't know them and there is no way of getting to know them as everything is closed. All he sees is the St Elmo's Fire crowds having what looks like the time of their lives.

I'm so sorry to read this OP - your son sounds lovely. Starting at university is hard enough trying to find your people without Covid. My DD had a very tough time in her first term and still has ups and downs now but your son's experience is very upsetting and would be hard for anyone.

I think you or he should talk to the accommodation office to see if there is any chance of a swap or other alternative options to find different accommodation. And also to see what support or buddy services might be available. And follow the suggestions above. I know this might sound odd but I have a few friends who are buddhists and I know they have groups in most universities - and I'm sure in London - who reach out to students and help connect them to each other. Buddhism is not an in your face evangelical religion so I'm sure it wouldn't be too pressured about needing to believe in their tenets - most of which are just about centering your life and being kind to yourself.

I know this might go against the grain, but if the isolation persists into next term then I really think he should think about leaving and starting again somewhere else. I really don't think its fair to imagine a young person can survive going weeks at a time without any human interactions except with their Mum and Dad or friends from home. I think it will be a severe risk to his mental health and wellbeing and not something he should just be expected to grin and bear. I did everything in my power to encourage my DD to keep at it during her first term (pre covid) but if she had still been miserable in her second term I would have supported her to leave and start again. Yes you want to support him to make it better but don't be afraid to pull the plug if it doesn't change. He's too precious to be left alone and isolated for long. And I'm sure there will be a lot of students in the same boat this year - its very tough. Lots of kids do start again for all sorts of reasons and a reset can work well. His wellbeing and happiness is so important. I'm not actually a fan of London university as a great university experience so I would recommend a campus university if he did move - it is a softer landing and a more inclusive environment. My XH is senior at a London university and he agrees its not a great student experience.

Apologies if I haven't expressed this very well.

@RainingBatsAndFrogs - he's not at all like that. Part of his problem is he's not a typical HFA so doesn't connect with others who have this neural make-up. He's very very arty. Loves art, architecture, fashion, design, music. He's doing a humanities degree (though not in any of those subjects). He looks more like a student from Central St Martins. His clothes are quite dramatic. He has nothing in common with the stereotype of science/maths geek HFA.

Hi @Bouledeneige. Thank you for your very thoughtful post. I agree with everything you have said. He is very against leaving - I'venot suggested it, so much as told him that no one would think it a sign of weakness if he left under these conditions. And I've mentioned friends DC a few years ahead of him who had similar experiences and chose to completely rethink.

I have heard from a lot of places that London uni life is very very hard. My DSis felt that too - she was at a London uni and ended up moving in with my ex-boyfriend (platonically!) as she was so lonely. But she did get a first and she did meet her DH there in the end, so still worth her while.

The reasons I'm less inclined to persuade him to rethink are that he knows and adores London and he is very resistant to giving up. However, if the experience becomes worse it could sour his love of London, and I'd be heartbroken for him if that happened, as he does truly adore the city.

But I like your idea about the Buddhists. He might be into that and they will be gentle, quiet people who practise kindness. I will suggest this to him. I was going to suggest going to church but am scared of him being pulled into a charismatic group which I don't think would suit him at all.

This might sound like a daft suggestion but try the LGBTQ+ society. My ADC daughter has found friends that way. And most won't mind if you're straight (she's not BTW but her twin is)

And someone looking as if they've come from CSM woul fit right in!

Tbh, I would worry a lot if he were at a campus uni. He has struggled all his life to make friends with neurotypical people. I don't really know why. He is kind, funny, intelligent, has a wide range of iinterests, not at all the HFA type who talks at you. He is quite shy and slightly built, so doesn't gel with typical rugby types (though Ironically two of his good friends from school are rugby A teamers.) On a campus, his friendships would be limited to other 18 year olds who don;t really seem to get him very well. In London, there's a whole city of artists, writers, musicians, designers who connect due to their shared passions and I'm hoping he'll meet some of them.

I have a hunch that somehow London will work out for him, just not in the way he has scripted it in his mind. London as a city is a good place for quirky misfits. He might end up befriending people not from his uni. He's a brilliant musician and had hoped to start a band when he arrived. No reason that has to be with fellow students.

But of course, I really want him to find some college friends too, and I think he will, given time.

@Empra123 - that's a good idea. He's not gay but he would fit in more with that crowd. There won't be meet ups now but that's an idea for later.

He sounds great! And arty types can be quite quirky as well, so in the medium there's no reason at all why he shouldn't be able to make friends - in fact he sounds like an ideal friend for many! Also the fact that he has these interests is really good news - once we're back to normal there will be lots of clubs and societies groups - at university and elsewhere. As pp have said, very often it's through the clubs and societies and coursemates that students make friends, so once up and running things may change.

But the current position sounds really difficult - and at that age, next term is a long time away. Has the disability adviser/mentor told ds about any on-line social groups that he could meet people through? If not maybe he could e-mail her about that?

He sounds like he needs to find his 'group', are there any art students at his uni? If its a very traditional, non arty uni then he is unlikely to find his group there- I am autistic and have very similar interests to your son, I went to uni and did design and fitted right in, quite a few of my friends there were either neurodiverse or quirky in their own way. Unfortunately a lot of people arent accepting of others who are 'different', autism and physical disabilities aside. I also think it depends what he wants from the uni experience, if he loves his course but is lonely then is it worth staying, or would it be better if he transferred to a more arty uni which also did his course? He might find it easier to change at the end of first year if he is currently enjoying his course, that way he will have given it a good try and see if he can live with the situation or not

My nephew is at uni at the moment and has said it is like a ghost town. Everything is on-line based, they never go into lectures. He is already considering staying at home for his final year next year because there is nothing to go there for in his words.

I think one thing to bear in mind is that whereas normally at university friendships may develop pretty fast compared with real life, in lockdown/quasi lockdown it may be taking longer. (Doesn't help I admit when other flats seem immediately to develop into the St Elmos Fire gang! - but there will be lots of other people in ds' position as well, just not visible to him)

I think is really important that he understands this - it may look as if everyone else has formed strong friendship groups, but this is NOT the case. Even in a normal year it takes time, and this year there are loads of people left isolated, and plenty more stuck in groups they want to leave as soon as they have other options.

I agree with you about London OP - I think some campus universities are like a continuation of school, and conforming is still important. If you don't fit the mould, you may be better off in London where there is no mould.

Long long time ago, I had the opposite problem joined a really party crowd in my first weeks loved it but the partying just went on and on . I spent my second term trying to mix with the more arty and creative types so it wasn’t really till the end of my first year I felt I could be myself.
I went on to have a great time but it did take me a long time to really settle but if anyone was looking at me they would think I was having a great time.
I hope he feels happier soon and it’s great he can talk to you.

Without knowing his full character personality, its difficult to fully give advice on what may be hindering him from connecting with others, then it also depends on if his personality is attempting to connect with people that are suited to his style of personality or if instead hes trying to connect with people he would rather like to connect with, however if the connection is mismatched he could get either a clash of personalities or his personality comes across as too intense , best examples that i can think of is eg is he more of a sheldon cooper way of trying to make friends or is he more of Leonard Hofstadter way of making friends ? (those are characters from the comedy the big bang theory.)

All the best for him, best advice keep trying with different people and hopefully he will succeed.